Any mums want 50/50?

Clumsy12345 · 2024-09-07T14:01:19+00:00

I notice a lot of threads on here from mum’s not wanting 50/50 or trying to fight it which I understand but are there any mums that wanted 50/50? I would have loved 50/50 but unfortunately ex wasn’t interested and would rather not see them. This isn't a post for people saying they don’t want 50/50 I already see many posts about that this is simply to wonder if there are any mums who wanted 50/50 or have 50/50 and are happy with it? as I often wonder if it’s just me that would have liked 50/50.

Dithercats · 07/09/2024 15:03

I offered 50/50 and ex declined.
Has EOW (fri-sun) no additional holiday time, his choice.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 07/09/2024 15:12

100% yes I would love this. 50% shared with another loving and caring parent would be the absolute dream!
I got the odd Saturday night off and a child returned traumatised on a Sunday 😩

Original poster

Clumsy12345 · 07/09/2024 15:16

Glad it’s not just me. Sounds ideal to me! I would have done a week on week off.

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financialcareerstuff · 07/09/2024 15:20

Yes. And got it. He wanted it too.

My ex crapped up his marriage but was a decent dad. So I didn't want my DC to have any sense that they had lost their dad. And they don't.

And for me- I needed space, time and energy to rebuild. It was vital at the start for healing and rebuilding my mental health- finding myself and having me time. Later it was great to have it for dating and my new relationship- so I had something outside of just being a mum and working.

In the long term, the shuttling around can become burdensome for DC, and they are choosing to be more at my house. But they still see him every week, and go off for full weeks on holidays.

WorkCleanRepeat · 07/09/2024 15:22

I have a couple of friends that do 50/50 and they both love it.

If I ever divorced it would definitely be my preference. I certainly wouldn't be fighting to take on the majority of parenting responsibility myself.

Bluebiscuits · 07/09/2024 15:22

Me and my ex do 50/50. We swap Saturday teatime so I get a free day every weekend. Its great - I do all my jobs when I dont have my children, which means I can give them all my attention when I do have them.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/09/2024 15:24

I think it might be better for parents I'm not convinced it's better for children, they need a stable home how would you feel if you had to move home every week?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/09/2024 15:27

Divorce done well is kind of perfect. Ironically.

Both parents totally focus on the kids for their week, knowing full well they get an entire week to themselves the next, safe in the knowledge their dc are being well cared for.

MsLavender · 07/09/2024 15:28

I would have loved it. Unfortunately my ex is not a safe person to be around so he has no access whatsoever. 14 years pretty much on my own has been grueling, the sheer relentlessness of it has almost broken me on many occasion.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/09/2024 15:29

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/09/2024 15:24

I think it might be better for parents I'm not convinced it's better for children, they need a stable home how would you feel if you had to move home every week?

I don't think they see it like that.

My dc think they're lucky they get two bedrooms and double the holidays.

Both have decorated their room in each house with a different vibe.

Original poster

Clumsy12345 · 07/09/2024 15:29

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/09/2024 15:24

I think it might be better for parents I'm not convinced it's better for children, they need a stable home how would you feel if you had to move home every week?

Well it’s not going to happen because he has no contact. I’m not sure that’s better?

OP posts:

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/09/2024 15:29

I would love 50/50.

Original poster

Clumsy12345 · 07/09/2024 15:30

MsLavender · 07/09/2024 15:28

I would have loved it. Unfortunately my ex is not a safe person to be around so he has no access whatsoever. 14 years pretty much on my own has been grueling, the sheer relentlessness of it has almost broken me on many occasion.

Yes I feel the same. I would have loved equal involvement and not have to struggle bringing them up alone as i didnt create them alone.

OP posts:

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/09/2024 15:32

Clumsy12345 · 07/09/2024 15:29

Well it’s not going to happen because he has no contact. I’m not sure that’s better?

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No it's isn't but my parents separated for a while when I was young and I was with my dad pretty much every weekend and whilst I loved being with him and he's always been a great dad, the shuttling back and forth wasn't fun and as I got older I wanted to do it less but felt bad if I wanted to be at mum's or dad's for longer. As it turned out they got back together when I was in my teens and they always got on well and we did things as a whole family even when they were separated, so it wasn't acrimonious but it wasn't nice being unsettled.

Original poster

Clumsy12345 · 07/09/2024 15:35

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/09/2024 15:32

No it's isn't but my parents separated for a while when I was young and I was with my dad pretty much every weekend and whilst I loved being with him and he's always been a great dad, the shuttling back and forth wasn't fun and as I got older I wanted to do it less but felt bad if I wanted to be at mum's or dad's for longer. As it turned out they got back together when I was in my teens and they always got on well and we did things as a whole family even when they were separated, so it wasn't acrimonious but it wasn't nice being unsettled.

Show quote history

Well I wouldn’t have wanted every other weekend as that means one parent just has the fun parts with no actual real parenting, no school runs, no appointments just fun days out. So that wouldn’t be a preference for me personally and doesn’t sound particularly great that one parent gets left doing all the actual parenting.

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BeyondSmoake · 07/09/2024 15:36

I wanted it, have it, and love it. ExH is a decent dad and never wanted anything less than 50;50 when we'd chat about "what if" years ago. I like that I have time to myself, and enjoy the DCs more when they are here.

Having a great co-parenting relationship with him makes a huge difference though. I have a good friend who also has 50:50, but with her DV ex - and as much as she also enjoys having the "time off", he is a terrible parent and only wants 50:50 to continue control and have access to his DDs DLA.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 07/09/2024 15:39

I think it can be better for the kids. Some people are good parents but crappy partners. Divorce sorts out the partner bit and the kids see the parents who are at their best because of the divorce.

Mum and dad usually love their kids. By seeing the kids equally they are seeing their child as much as possible and acknowledging that the other parent loves the child too. I think that kids equate attention to love and 50:50 demonstrates that love.

Posts on here will naturally focus on crappy parenting. For every crap co-parent there’s 5 doing just fine imo.

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 07/09/2024 15:40

I would love to have some time to myself

Even now one kid is in his bedroom watching TV and the other is in the kitchen

I still feel like I can't truly relax as I'm still looking after them

I have them 7 nights a week, my ex has them for a few hours at the weekend when I go to my club

Original poster

Clumsy12345 · 07/09/2024 15:51

SonicTheHodgeheg · 07/09/2024 15:39

I think it can be better for the kids. Some people are good parents but crappy partners. Divorce sorts out the partner bit and the kids see the parents who are at their best because of the divorce.

Mum and dad usually love their kids. By seeing the kids equally they are seeing their child as much as possible and acknowledging that the other parent loves the child too. I think that kids equate attention to love and 50:50 demonstrates that love.

Posts on here will naturally focus on crappy parenting. For every crap co-parent there’s 5 doing just fine imo.

Those aren’t the posts I see tbh the posts are see are usually about mums not wanting to be on their own and feeling lonely and not wanting to “share” their child/ren. I understand but can’t relate.

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helpmethankyou · 07/09/2024 16:02

yeah i wouldn't want 50/50 if miss the kids too much and we would come the adjustments hard

glitches78 · 07/09/2024 16:34

I had 50:50 with my ex when we split as he was an amazing dad. Worked well for us.

glitches78 · 07/09/2024 16:35

helpmethankyou · 07/09/2024 16:02

yeah i wouldn't want 50/50 if miss the kids too much and we would come the adjustments hard

You are saying what your wants/needs are. What about the needs of your children??

goodthinking99 · 07/09/2024 16:45

Yes, I didn't see why it had to be one week night and EOW. The child has two parents, capable of parenting. A long time ago when exDP and I split up and had an 18 month DS almost 50/50 meant I could focus on my full time job to keep a roof over me and DS head, have some down time to see friends and, eventually, meet proper DP. It's 13 years down the line now and it's worked out about 60 me/40 him. We live close to each other and I see DS every day for one reason or another except a Friday, and exDP sees DS 4 days a week. DS is old enough to choose now but sticks with the routine and it seems to work for everyone. This way has meant the child gets a lot of quality time with each parent. If you can make it work then it's a good idea.

rockingbird · 07/09/2024 16:51

How does this actually work 🤷🏼‍♀️ as in do you parent and work full time one week and not the next? I actually couldn't trust my ExH to be there for the DC both with SEN and needing careful attention when they are home from school. I work remotely part time around them and their needs - have done since they were born. My exH wouldn't even know where to start!! Yes it's exhausting and sometimes a little stressful but I wouldn't have it any other way. Great there are parents out there who are able to do this but certainly not an option for me!

helpmethankyou · 07/09/2024 16:51

Most judges would say stability, structure and routine take priority over logistical needs of parents, which is what many posters here are alluding to when they describe how 50/50 works for them. Also did you see i said WE. WE.

If a parent is being selfish i would assume they would be wanting to carry less of the load.