Any mums want 50/50?

[Clumsy12345]

I notice a lot of threads on here from mum’s not wanting 50/50 or trying to fight it which I understand but are there any mums that wanted 50/50? I would have loved 50/50 but unfortunately ex wasn’t interested and would rather not see them. This isn't a post for people saying they don’t want 50/50 I already see many posts about that this is simply to wonder if there are any mums who wanted 50/50 or have 50/50 and are happy with it? as I often wonder if it’s just me that would have liked 50/50.

50/50 was my experience as I child and it was awful.

Ideal for you to get a break. You can’t possibly know it’s ideal for children and those who have lived a peripatetic childhood are telling you it’s not great. You’re defensive because you don’t want to hear that your best interests may not align with your DC’s best interests.

Please don’t make out like children having an absent father is better. It isn’t.

And nothing to do with just “having a break” as you put it! Children deserve to have a relationship with both parents equally. That benefits the child.

And also many parents have commented saying they do 50/50 and it works well and the kids like spending time with both parents

As long as they are a decent dad, and do the daily things, appointments, homework, etc then yes, I would have preferred this, and financially would have made everything better for us when she is here. But wasn't a realistic option so didn't suggest it

50/50 is the best possible outcome for mothers but absolutely awful for children because of the lack of stability. My friend who is a teacher says the kids are constantly either settling back in to one home or preparing to move to the other and emotionally she gets about one day a week of focused concentration from them. This is apparently true regardless of natural academic aptitude

I didn’t say that or even allude to it.

my SS when he was younger did 50:50. This was because the parents wanted it. Both good parents. However once in his mid teams he started mentioning that he wanted to have one bedroom but didn’t want to upset either parent. These conversations went on until he was around 17 when he called a meeting with both parents. Thankfully, mum was more understanding and was happy to help her son be happy so he moved in with dad. I m not sure how dad would have behaved if his son hadn’t chosen him to live with.

looking back the set up suited the parents. Not really the child who lacked stability. And these were both 100% supportive parents.

@LostittoBostik that is absolutely false. If 50/50 wasn't the best thing for my daughter, I would absolutely have her more/all the time. I willingly raised DS completely alone with no input from his father (long backstory) as it was the best thing for him and would do it all over again with DD if I had to. Luckily for her second time around I chose the baby daddy wisely and he is an amazing dad. You absolutely cannot make blanket statements like that based on anecdotal evidence.

Hi , those that do get 50/50 . What happens to your child maintenance - do you get any ? My understanding is that you aren't entitled to any , although some exes may still pay but not through the CMS .

There is sometimes a disparity between earnings of both partners especially if the woman ( it is usually but not always the woman ) has worked p/ t / been a SAHM for a bit .

If you go on the government website there is a calculator.
It's a misrepresentation to say no child maintenance is due. What happens is you each calculate your liability (what you owe the other parent) and if both parents earn about the same then the difference is minimal and the parents CBA with the admin hassle.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

@imfae i don’t get any…at the moment. Although I have just started proceedings for divorce so it may turn out that I will get some maintenance for them do we’ll see. We have been living apart for the last year. we were separated seven months before that but living together still. In the whole year that I have lived apart and paying extortionate rent which I know was my choice, he has given me a total of 610 and only because I asked as it was mostly Christmas/birthday gifts/birthday parties and summer camps that I had arranged for the dc🙄

Now he does pay for the childcare (Afterschool)each week but equally I am still paying both of our life insurance policies and storage fees for storage of stuff that wouldn’t fit in the current Family home that he lives in (mortgage free). So that equals out.

I would be in a much better position financially if my ex had the kids 50/50 as he doesn’t pay any maintenance anyway and I have the 100% of the time.

I don't think the final comment is fair. I love my dc more than I dislike ex but doing 50/50 with him would have been a nightmare as he's very selfish, lazy and disorganised. All appointments, shopping for uniform etc, homework etc would still have fallen to me but I would have had far less time to do it all in and as I work f/t that would have been a nightmare. Luckily, he was the type to moan about not having 50/50 but never did anything about it and the dc have always been content with seeing him once a week and eow - in fact, both have gone through stages of not wanting to go at all, though they seem happier to go now they're older.

It really does depend on the parents, the distance they live from each other and how well they get on.

I'm really worried about this. We're doing 50/50 (once the house sells and we both have separate homes). I'm so worried about the impact on my children (pre teen and teen). Divorce is definitely the best thing for me and their dad, but I really don't want to ruin their loves and make them unsettled. Was hoping two settled homes would be better than one unhappy one.

I agree with this

@Questionsandheartache i truly believe that two happy parents in separate homes who see their children equally would be the best for them. I can’t imagine how my dc would feel if they only saw their dad EOW…I think they would feel he didn’t want them at all. But that’s my dc.

@positivenancy thank you, I hope so. I think ex and I will have to go with it and see how the children are and what they want.

50/50 is the best possible outcome for mothers but absolutely awful for children because of the lack of stability. My friend who is a teacher says the kids are constantly either settling back in to one home or preparing to move to the other and emotionally she gets about one day a week of focused concentration from them. This is apparently true regardless of natural academic aptitude

THANK YOU!!!

Tbh, if you're raising children who are so fragile they can't cope with two loving parents and two homes, you're doing it wrong. Either you are unable to face up to the reality of life, or this is a form of narcissism. It is like a need to make sure these children are kept under their control under their routines. How can so many of these households have Sen children? Why are the same women who post about fighting for their marriage saying he is an unfit father? There is a level of dishonesty here that is scary. Of course, it is better to have full, deep relationships with both beings who created you it is a no brainer.

I would have loved 50/50 and even encouraged DDs dad to move closer to us so he could. But he decided against it so he had her 4-6 weeks during the summer and one week during Xmas holidays. Not my preference but I did enjoy having the weeks of summer to myself to do kid free activities.

Not in my experience at all more like 3-4 times the number of bad parenting relationships, versus amicable ones. Far more separated couples with crappy co-parents. I know three families where the parents can't even be near each other in public because 1 or both parents will have a go at the other. I've worked very hard to be publically amicable with my abusive ex and sit together at school and sport so the kids aren't torn in two, though I know that's not always an option and in one of the families above the nasty public behaviour is very much one sided.

I can see the attraction of 50/50, but even if it would work for my kids my XH is a shitty parent and would do far to much damage. A friend was really devastated by getting 50/50 and week on week off, but 2 years down the line really likes it and recommends it now.

Not quite what your asking but there was a few werks around lockdown when divorcing just so I could have 50% time off from the kids seemed like a good idea.

One of my parents buggered off, Ive seen how relentlessly hard that sort of sole parenting can be. I was a young carer for siblings with SEN. My XH has our kids 2 nights a week, I was thinking recently a bit longer would be nice for ME, but my DD has an anxiety meltdown at the thought of spending longer with her dad and has actually reduced the number of nights she's comfortable with from 4 very occasionally (holidays we used to put the nights together more) to absolutely no more than 2 and she's started making noises about cutting it to 1.