I feel lost, i want to separate from my wife, but the idea of leaving my 4 and 6 year old breaks my heart

[wanabebandit]

im looking for advice here if anyone has any.
im 35 and have been with my wife for about 15 years, married for 8. looking back i dont think it has ever been a very healthy relationship, but we were young when we got together. we do have a good life in a lot of ways, our house isnt big but its nice, we have pets and two beautiful children.
the problem is being around my wife makes me miserable. i try my best to be a really hands on parent, playing with the kids, dancing round and having fun when we do jobs etc. but all this seems to do is make my wife angry and she never joins in.
i struggle being the only one who plays with the kids or does anything involving energy. she tends to just sit down whilst we do things but shes also really quite controlling over what we do and where we go.
theres no abuse or substances, just a LOT of repressed emotions and no capacity to resolve these. she wouldnt be open to counselling and even if she did, i honestly dont think she'd adopt anything different.
ive tried to change to fit more what she wanted from me, to see if that made things better. it just made me more unhappy and didnt improve things in the long run
we dont talk very much and when the kids go to bed, we sometimes dont even sit in the same room. we dont tend to argue a lot, but thats more because theres just no benefit to it now, rather than because we get along.
i know deep down that im not happy in my marriage and that, if not for my kids i would have left her a long time ago. but the idea of breaking up a happy home for my kids churns me up inside.
the thought of not seeing them every day or them questioning why we've separated utterly kills me.
i just wondered what experiences everyone else may have had of this and how theyve coped.
i would love to separate, but i dont think i could hurt anyone, and dont know how id cope with what it may do for my kids or how it may affect our relationship.

Have you told your wife just how unhappy you are?

Please speak to your wife one evening when the kids are in bed and explain to her exactly what you've said here.

She may not have any idea this is how you feel if you're dancing about being a good dad and putting on an act. You need to be honest with her and then take it from there initially before you do anything else.

Good luck.

She sounds exhausted and you both sound like you don’t handle problems very well. Can you get some childcare and go away for a weekend and talk properly? Believe me that’s a lot cheaper and easier than divorce

Hi. Sorry I should have said. We’ve been round this several times. Every six months or so things reach a peak. She’ll avoid taking about it until it can’t be avoided any more. We sort of reconcile for a very brief while but nothing changes. She knows how I feel overall. I honestly think she feels the same but would never admit it

You could split and go fifty fifty.

Or you could talk to her about what she’s thinking when she’s snappy with you. She might be thinking ‘bloody hell, stop acting like an extra kid, grow up and be a proper parent’. That gives you the opportunity to explain you are trying to encourage the kids to do chores and have fun together. She may never have seen that.

If she wanted everyone to buckle down and be sensible and get the chores done double quick so you can all go to the park, would that be a bad idea?

Check out whether there’s common ground first. If there’s nowhere to go, then your dc will probably do better with two happy, separated parents.

But it's not a happy home, is it? Surely the children would be better off with two happy parents, just in separate homes.

Perhaps your wife would actually consider couples counselling if she knew you were this unhappy and considering leaving? You really need someone expert to help you communicate better and to express what sounds like years of silenced emotions on both sides. You need to tell her the hard truth of where you are now and give her the opportunity to respond before you jump ship.

You say you're hands on with the children but how hands on are you? Do you prepare meals, help with homework, take them to activities, arrange Dr and dentist appointments, clean up after them, bathe and put them to bed etc?

How much do you pull your weight around the home? Do you shop, clean the bathroom, do the washing etc?

Do you take your wife out on dates, tell her you love her, thank her for what she does, show her appreciation?

Can you try to imagine it from her perspective? Maybe she's exhausted dealing with all the boring sides of parenting and it seems to her like you're running about getting to be the fun parent, riling them up for her to deal with? (I'm not saying that's the case, but maybe there's 2 sides to the story).

If you can't work it out together, maybe it would be better to split

I would seriously recommend marriage counselling, you’ve got nothing to loose if you fundamentally “like” your wife. I see so many people spilt up and then jump straight into new relationships - the only difference seems to be they suddenly get quality couple time as they’re co-parenting.

I went to marriage counselling with my husband. We only did 3 sessions, it was 3 years ago but we have adopted a lot of the things we learnt and it’s helped us understand each other. He didn’t “get” that I suffer with anxiety and didn’t understand why I behaved in certain ways. I also found his lack of communication frustrating and he found my desire to talk and talk about an issue difficult
too.

I’d decided he had all these thoughts and feelings based on my own assumptions and I was wrong in many instances.

The exercises we did to help us communicate helped no end and I think that would help you too.

From what you’ve said I suspect your wife is either burnt out/depressed or a combination. That’s often how these things manifest.

I’m really hands on. I do the homework and baths and take them places where-ever, in terms of the practical side of parenting it’s pretty much a dead split. I just also dig deep and force the fun energy side of it, even when all I want to do is sit and relax. The only variability for us is depending on which one is at work. I absolutely pull my weight around the house, she does tend to do more housework that’s by her preference. We’re both 9-5 workers and she has Mondays off. Sometimes I actually feel it’s the other way round. I do more in terms of core effort with the kids and it’s not reciprocated. Again, I’ve raised this beofre and nothing has changed.

Only you can decide but I wonder whether your parenting styles are as significant as you think. As your kids get older things will change and they will have different needs, not just someone to have fun with. As other people have said maybe your wife is just exhausted and finds your frivolity a bit wearing. If you do decide to split it can definitely work out but bear in my experience other issues will surface, not least financial and huge issues around other future partners etc- believe me I know as both a divorced parent and child of divorced parents.
Time for lots more talking. There is no perfect solution.

but the idea of breaking up a happy home for my kids churns me up inside.

It's not a happy home though is it? Both of you are miserable?

So from your perspective, you are fully hands on both with the children and the home and listen to your wife, treat her with respect and are loving and considerate. Yet she just sits there looking miserable.

I'm not sure what choice you have really, since you're bending over backwards to make things work. You could live separate lives but stay together for the family or split and go fifty fifty.

You obviously think you're a much better parent than her, it jumps out on here, after only a couple of posts.

If we are aware of it, I'm sure she is aware that you think that too.

My ex used to be like this and it used to piss me off no end.

I finally left him and I am much happier. Once this dynamic has been established, it's very difficult to change.

What do you do to help with the day to day stuff, not just playing with the kids. Maybe she feels resentful because you don’t pull your weight.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is rather self serving when you consider that you'd be subjecting them to a horrible example of what "love" and "happiness" is. They'll either see that you're pretending or fall for the act, neither is really ideal is it? You all owe it to yourselves to be happy and forcing this situation onto yourselves isn't the solution.

You are both young. I doubt she is any happier than you are. Take one last shot at talking to her and being brutally hi

I honestly do just as much of the mundane practical stuff. I’m not just a “my job is to keep the grass short” sort of husband.
and for what it’s worth I wouldn’t consi myself tje better parent. We both fill roles. But doing it with as much positive energy as I can and trying to sew fun into it, I feel, is a really important message to send to kids. But she gets so mad at me when I do that. We do have fundementally different values on this. for me I don’t really care if the kids don’t go to bed in ironed pyjamas(figuratively speaking) so long as they go to bed happy

Sorry - hit the wrong key. Be brutally honest with her, tell her your thoughts about separating and see if you can turn it around together. But as others have said, your kids are not living in a "happy home" right now. Their family may be what some call intact, but it sure doesn't seem happy.

It's very difficult to say what the issue is and if one or both or neither of you are unreasonable. But if you're unhappy, and when you've attempted to discuss it, nothing has changedd, then you need to separate and aim for 50/50 care.

You haven't said though - when things peak every 6 months, what exactly does she say is the problem? You've told us how YOU feel but you haven't said what she says?

I know many women who can get frustarted because their DHs are the "fun parent". So lots of playing and games and that's fabulous, but meanwhile, the woman is trying to get through 10000 chores, the kids are being hyped up etc. I am self employed so I have a fair bit of flexibility in my day, but it never ceases to annoy me how often I can spend an hour or more on ridiculous admin for the DC that DH is completely and totally oblivious to. And yes, most of it is small, silly little things, but cumulatively it massively adds up. Ditto, how often he thinks I'm "watching tv" but actually, I'm doing the meal planning and online shopping or ordering school uniform or whatever.

Do you care what TIME they go to bed?

Because frankly, I nearly divorced DH 8 years over this (only a slightly hyperbolic statement). Because he was so busy having fun with the DC, and hanging out, and chatting that they were never in bed on time and routine was shot. And the result? They were tired. They were more likely to wake up in the night (and I'd have to deal with it). They were cranky at school.....

She tends to try to avoid outright statements and if I say something makes me unhappy it gets deflected back to me. I get that may be the case sometimes but it’s her consistent approach. Every so often she’ll see my side of it. But then changes lapse back every time. Which I’m also guilty of too. I will still get the chores done, she does do the school meals etc. but we tried splitting the responsibilities of that and it became chaotic.
my kids keep a reasonably tight structure. Bed time is between 7-7:30 and meals are generally at the same time too. I do the bed time routine, getting bathed and jammies on etc. I’ll make it fun and silly. But then we read a book and that’s the calming time. Unless I’m shattered I don’t then slob out on tue chouch. I’ll walk the dogs and go for a run etc. it’s noteworthy that I’m not suggesting she does either.

You need to do marriage counseling. In every divorced couple I know the leaver is the one who refused to do it - don’t be that person.

Also…..

It can be near impossible to know exactly how many ‘little tasks’ (not glorified or cute) a person is doing to keep a family running. For example:
all the uniform buying
uniform wash/prepping every week day
regular clothes sorting/buying weekends
play date arrangements
school lunch arrangements
school club forms
bumped head forms
milk money forms
school trip forms
school ‘bring this’ or ‘dress like this’ plans
Booking in parent-teacher evenings

It’s relentless! And filling one of these things out every once in a while doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. The smooth operation can fall apart very quickly if this kid admin gets neglected for just a few days.

My point is, it sounds like you may not realise just how much she is doing behind the scenes.

The pressure to keep on top of all the NOT FUN (non-dancing) tasks is immense because the day your child shows up dressed in uniform on a special no uniform day, or doesn’t bring the cereal box in when they’re doing a cardboard house, can be a day your child may carry with them as not having been supported.

I can recommend the book 'This Is How Your Marriage Ends' by Matthew Fray. Despite the subject matter, it is easy to read and even has humour (strange, I know).He's American but the book is readily available in the UK.

Maybe don't leave it lying around obviously!

Good luck.