I feel lost, i want to separate from my wife, but the idea of leaving my 4 and 6 year old breaks my heart

[wanabebandit]

im looking for advice here if anyone has any.
im 35 and have been with my wife for about 15 years, married for 8. looking back i dont think it has ever been a very healthy relationship, but we were young when we got together. we do have a good life in a lot of ways, our house isnt big but its nice, we have pets and two beautiful children.
the problem is being around my wife makes me miserable. i try my best to be a really hands on parent, playing with the kids, dancing round and having fun when we do jobs etc. but all this seems to do is make my wife angry and she never joins in.
i struggle being the only one who plays with the kids or does anything involving energy. she tends to just sit down whilst we do things but shes also really quite controlling over what we do and where we go.
theres no abuse or substances, just a LOT of repressed emotions and no capacity to resolve these. she wouldnt be open to counselling and even if she did, i honestly dont think she'd adopt anything different.
ive tried to change to fit more what she wanted from me, to see if that made things better. it just made me more unhappy and didnt improve things in the long run
we dont talk very much and when the kids go to bed, we sometimes dont even sit in the same room. we dont tend to argue a lot, but thats more because theres just no benefit to it now, rather than because we get along.
i know deep down that im not happy in my marriage and that, if not for my kids i would have left her a long time ago. but the idea of breaking up a happy home for my kids churns me up inside.
the thought of not seeing them every day or them questioning why we've separated utterly kills me.
i just wondered what experiences everyone else may have had of this and how theyve coped.
i would love to separate, but i dont think i could hurt anyone, and dont know how id cope with what it may do for my kids or how it may affect our relationship.

It sounds utterly miserable. Life is short.....your kids will be fine. Neither of you are happy so just separate and the kids can have two happy homes rather than one miserable one.

You said your home is happy for your kids. But not for you...?
Is the wife just quiet, moody, harsh, brash, what is doing more than what you just described? Is she angry in front of the kids? What they say to that? Are they not crying, begging her to stop, asking you questions....more info please

what do you do ( sorry ) in terms of physical intimacy? None? Nothing ?

no, there is no physical intimacy, its been lost for some time now. she wont really discuss this when ive tried to raise it. i do struggle because i have lost all attraction to her. i can only assume the same on her part.
she does shout around the kids, but nothing of a safeguarding nature or anything, no more so than a lot of parents, she gets really moody though and just sort of chunters around making sure poeple know shes not happy but without saying anything if that makes sense.

splitting up can bring another set of issues.
arguments over money, childcare, seeing children, new partners, its rarely a bed of roses. Nobody can tell how its going to go unless it happens. you might be lucky you might not be.

Best to talk to each other OP. No stranger can advise you.

Yes I know, I've been there. Left an unhappy marriage with my 10 year old kid. It was hard but it was short term pain for long term gain. It sounds like this has been an issue for OP and his wife for a long time so it's clearly not going to get any better.

I think if you have given this some thought doing things as gently as possible (and possibly still having some counselling together) will set a better precedent for co-parenting in the future.

Just leave - you are both unhappy. You've tried to fix it but can't. The kids will know, young as they are, they things aren't great, they always do. And to stay for their sake is damaging, to them.

They will be fine. You won't be breaking up a happy home, because it isn't one. You can have 50/50 care, and be happy. They will be happier too with no background animosity and pretend fun.

Life's too short.

well, it is a dead marriage yet they say: if you can keep a marriage, don't divorce....not sure though if both people are dead to each other

You both sound miserable, so it's not a happy home. You're stuck in a six month holding pattern it seems. Counselling doesn't seem to be on the cards. You're not physically intimate. To me this leaves three outcomes -

• You continue as you are, you're both miserable, the DC ultimately knows you don't love or even like each other. It never gets better.

-You do what you need to do and leave. It will be hard, it will be emotional, but you'll ultimately both be happier and so will your DC.

-one of you will meet someone else and blow up the whole thing, same outcome as second one, but a lot messier and emotional and awful for all of you

Obviously you're biased, and you've presented your side to us, and explained that you are a good parent, good husband etc, and your wife is the problem. People always present themselves in the best light.

But there are always two sides to every story, and the truth tends to be somewhere in the middle.

How would your wife describe you, and your relationship?

Who does the mental load? Insurance, bank accounts and financial planning, shopping and cooking, correspondence from.school.and nursery, sorting the burglar alarm service, changing gas and electoral providers, planning holidays, printing out or saving family.photos, buying clothes and shoes as kids grow, sorting extracurriculars etc etc etc

honestly i dont think she likes me either, our approaches to things are fundamentally different and i think she gets really frustrated with me. im absolutely no angel in this i recognise that, but i dont necesarrily DO anything wrong exactly. ive tried to bring things up to "debug" things here and there and in the past asked her what i need to do differently. shes really closed off, so sometimes shell mention something i do or dont do that she doesnt like, and i try to adjust that, but more often than not shed rather say nothings up than have a hard conversation.

You sound like a Disney dad with weaponised incompetence.

Do the housework to her standard. Or is that beneath you?

we tend to share it out, i do the money side and the planning of things like what needs to happen to fix things or getting cars sorted etc. ill do the planning for things like holidays, not the fun planning, like booking things and sorting out insurance etc..
we both tend to share the school stuff, she does the school meals etc, but im on the school parent committee so im ontop of the events but then im actually there at the events.
so to be fair, its relatively even, probably 60% her 40% me.

wow thats pretty left field.
pretty sure disney dads dont labour over these decisions.

for the record, asked for advice not abuse.

Just leave, she sounds like she's holding onto some resentment that you are completely unaware off and views you with contempt.
Whether it's deserved or not only you two will know.
Perhaps get some counselling to help you look at things more objectively so you can appreciate her POV when you divorce.

You don’t love each other; you don’t even sounds as though you like each other. You’re not bad people - you’re just with the wrong person.

End it and put all your efforts into co-parenting well.

How have you possibly drawn that conclusion - because you've assumed OP is a man and therefore bad?

OP have you considered you may get more than 50/50 if you are worried about missing out on the kids?

OP you sound like Kevin from Motherland 😆

I kind of relate to your post OP. I was behaving similar to your wife although I was a SAHM, but my husband would still be very hands on after work and help with cleaning, tidying, the kids etc. I had a bad attitude most of the time and it got to a point where he felt like he was on eggshells every day and eventually didn't know how to be himself around me. Turns out I was in a very deep depression and deeply unhappy with myself - it broke my heart to hear my husband open up to me like he did so we immediately agreed to marriage counselling and it saved us. It's not easy at all - in fact it was one of the hardest things we had to do but it helped us immensely.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but I agree with previous posters that you need to get help together. If that doesn't work or she's not prepared to do that then, as heartbreaking as it is, your children will benefit so much more from two separated but happy parents x

You put a lot of effort into your kids. Do you put any effort into your wife? Do you date her still?

WTF?!?!

Sorry but sometimes this site is so unbelievably awful towards men!!! And I say that as a woman!

Every single woman who posts on here saying that their husband is ineffective / doesn't cook / do childcare / has a bad temper / is lazy / wants to have sex (god forbid) is believed 100% and told they can do sooooo much better and they should just "get their ducks in a row" and LTB.

A bloke dares to post that he's unhappy in his marriage (despite doing the exact things that we as women constantly say they need to do) but wants to do right by his kids and over half the posts are accusing him of lying, of not respecting his wife, of not doing enough of the "mental load" or "admin" and basically just that it can't possibly be the wifes fault, it MUST be him.

Newsflash - women can be liars / abusive / horrible / bad parents / lazy / controlling too you know!!!!

Also this post

Obviously you're biased, and you've presented your side to us, and explained that you are a good parent, good husband etc, and your wife is the problem. People always present themselves in the best light.

Yes they do. But why do we always believe the women who post these things and not the men?

There’s a difference between communicating in your marriage and presenting her with problems to fix.

If I have a problem in my marriage, and DH doesn’t, then I fix it. So I’ll raise things a couple of times, suggest different ways to sort it, then make a change myself. There are a couple of things DH does that wind me up enormously. It isn’t going to change so I go elsewhere, do different things, at that point.
I find social entertainment outside the house, at one time even emotional support as he just wasn’t able to at that point. We’ve made progress with that, now he’s less stressed about work.

Basically you can’t change other people, only yourself. Restructure until it works for you. Encourage her to do the same.

I think you're getting some harsh responses here OP!
Alot of which would be the opposite if you were a woman posting, to the tone of 'leave the lazy bastard'.
You actually sound like a really good parent....you're having fun with your kids (and to the PP who are saying this is a bad thing being playful doesn't automatically mean being immature fgs....its one of the best things you can be as a parent, as long as you can be serious when it's needed)
Your wife sounds either a very sour and characterless person, or like someone who has mental health difficulties.She also sounds quite controlling.
You need to have a blunt conversation and tell her that she needs to change (and if that means getting therapy or going on medication to do so, so be it) otherwise you don't feel able to continue the relationship, and it looks like she is going to end up in a situation where she doesn't see her kids half the time.
Maybe that will be a wakeup call, as surely no mother would want that if they can avoid it.
It doesn't sound like there is anything big enough that you couldn't both work this out together.....feelings of attraction are often closely linked to how well you get on so that may change if things improve.
Separation is never usually a 'positive thing' for young kids unless it's to keep them away from another abusive parent.
It should always be a last resort.

I think you have to split up, there doesn't seem to be any redeeming features to your and your wife's relationship. You don't love each other, you don't even like each other, you don't have an intimate relationship and you hardly talk to each other. You are already pretty much separated except for the bit of paper. Stop flogging a dead horse. Go for 50:50 custody and you can do anything you want with your DCs when you have them without Debbie Downer spoiling everything.