I feel lost, i want to separate from my wife, but the idea of leaving my 4 and 6 year old breaks my heart

[wanabebandit]

im looking for advice here if anyone has any.
im 35 and have been with my wife for about 15 years, married for 8. looking back i dont think it has ever been a very healthy relationship, but we were young when we got together. we do have a good life in a lot of ways, our house isnt big but its nice, we have pets and two beautiful children.
the problem is being around my wife makes me miserable. i try my best to be a really hands on parent, playing with the kids, dancing round and having fun when we do jobs etc. but all this seems to do is make my wife angry and she never joins in.
i struggle being the only one who plays with the kids or does anything involving energy. she tends to just sit down whilst we do things but shes also really quite controlling over what we do and where we go.
theres no abuse or substances, just a LOT of repressed emotions and no capacity to resolve these. she wouldnt be open to counselling and even if she did, i honestly dont think she'd adopt anything different.
ive tried to change to fit more what she wanted from me, to see if that made things better. it just made me more unhappy and didnt improve things in the long run
we dont talk very much and when the kids go to bed, we sometimes dont even sit in the same room. we dont tend to argue a lot, but thats more because theres just no benefit to it now, rather than because we get along.
i know deep down that im not happy in my marriage and that, if not for my kids i would have left her a long time ago. but the idea of breaking up a happy home for my kids churns me up inside.
the thought of not seeing them every day or them questioning why we've separated utterly kills me.
i just wondered what experiences everyone else may have had of this and how theyve coped.
i would love to separate, but i dont think i could hurt anyone, and dont know how id cope with what it may do for my kids or how it may affect our relationship.

You've quoted me, so I'll respond.

I don't "always believe" women who post similar things - I generally ask the same question of them too.

OP you won’t be able to see the children every day if you separate, that’s part and parcel of it unfortunately.

focus on setting yourself up in a suitable home and have them 50/50. It’s not that bad honestly, I separated from my exh when my kids were the same age, they’re happy and well adjusted young adults now a s everyone is in a good place.

She sounds as unhappy as you. Divorce now whilst you are both still young and are able to move on. Don't let it get to the point where you hate each other or one of you has an affair. Separations and divorces can be done well if you guys are able to stay on good terms and if no third parties are involved. The kids will be okay.

You really need to divorce. Both of you are unhappy.

I can’t believe how unfair some of these responses are to this man. The wife sounds miserable and hard work.

OP you’ve grown apart. Tell her you’re thinking of divorce. Or you could agree to live together for the children but with no relationship. I did that and it wasn’t as hard as you might think. Waited until they were adults.

Usually I would say try joint counselling, but you’ve already said she won’t do that.

So I think maybe you should go to counselling on your own to talk this through and maybe make it okay with yourself that you’ve tried enough and it’s okay to leave, as you’re obviously struggling with the enormity of the decision.

Ultimately it does sound like both of you no longer wish to be in the relationship and you may well be right that she will not admit that.

Onviouslybit will change things for your kids and that is tough, it’s a big adjustment for them but they will get used to. My youngest was 5 when my ex husband and I split up and it hasn’t been easy but that doesn’t mean you should stay in the relationship to avoid that.

Also just ignore the mean responses on here, some mumsnet responses are like this no matter what the thread.

You know that's not relatively even. She is doing 50% more than you if the split is 60/40. How would you feel if you met some woman who was all high spirited but did 50% less of the workload than you and thought that was a fair split because she boinged around singing silly songs? Then again, she may be finding non-essential jobs to do in order to feel like she is contributing to family life because she finds it hard to engage emotionally with play.

But the main issues are that she won't talk about it and that you want to live in radically different ways. You want a happy messier, chilled life. She wants a tidy. calm, more sensible life. Neither of you is right or wrong. Both lifestyles are valid, just not compatible. FWIW both DH and I are more like you. House a bit messy. PJS never ironed. Lots of games played. But we are in agreement on this, so it works very well.

I think you need to discuss the possibility of an amicable split.

Is it possible that your dancing around just gets a bit irritating?

I was thinking g the same. It would get right on my nerves. Op sounds like a good dad and trying very hard but alll the trying to be fun would grate on me. Not sure it will make any difference as the marriage is dead.

OP, it could be that she’s waiting, with trepidation and huge sadness, for you to announce that you are leaving. It could be that she senses that it’s coming and she is frozen with fear. Maybe she sees you being fun with the children and feels inadequate rather than unimpressed. Unless she tells you, you don’t know for sure.
I know you say she won’t be open to professional marriage guidance, but you don’t know that for sure either. And it really can help. So be very kind and gentle, and try again to talk to her about marriage counselling. In fact you could book it and if she refuses to come with you, she could take the appointment on her own or you go on your own to help learn how to deal with these problems.

It may be inevitable eventually, that you break up but at least you are deeply aware of how sad and difficult that will be for the children. If there’s one good thing you can do for them, it will be to agree with your DW that they don’t have to face the misery of moving from one home to another for the rest of their childhoods. Instead, the parents do the moving, at least in the early stages.

I feel for you really, but don’t give up quite yet. Gently find a way for her to open up and reveal her feelings with a therapist. Most women find communication easier than their men but for some, it takes a lot of courage to communicate freely and with honesty. Good luck!

She sounds like she could have depression to me….has this been explored?

In your mind, it's over.
You have tried a few times to make it work and perhaps you're over compensating with time with your children because you know not having them in your daily life will be awful.

You do need to go counselling. You need to talk to someone about how you can leave so that you can be happy too.

A suggestion for getting into the mindset of living separately from your children would be to go on holiday without them but not somewhere you can't get to work (other side of town) for a few week days.

It's leaving your children that seems like the hardest part for you. You do not sound like you would miss your wife but in a few years time if you do separate, you have the added challenge of your wife potentially meeting another man and your children living with him half the week at least.

They are a good age to enjoy sleep overs etc so there will be times when you and your wife could be alone in the home whilst they're away at overnight stays. Could this be a good time to discuss the future?

Hi @wanabebandit , I am a father in a similar situation (5yo and 7yo) who stumbled across your post while searching for similar advice/learnings from people who had been down this path before. I have read every reply in this thread. Wondering how it has been for you since your post back in August?

I am a single mum in late 30s and my single friends and I do despair as the 'good guys' are taken and don't tend to leave even unhappy marriages, so the single ones on dating apps etc have either quit a relationship too early or been dumped for a reason which makes them not boyfriend material. If you're a good dad, can communicate, take care of yourself and your home, don't cheat, value a relationship, you're in the top 1% and will have no problems finding a nice attractive educated partner who fancies you back.

But do try relationship counseling first with your wives.

Did u work it out op?

Could she be having an affair ??

hi. im sorry you are in this situation, its really hard and horrible isnt it!
so my situation has developed both good and bad since the original post. around September i challenged her about it, i sat her down and explained that things are not healthy and explained how unhappy she was making me and the influence this was having on the kids, we went away in august and our daughter asked me at one point why we even got married.
i told her that, so that we dont just do the usual cycle of trying to address it then nothing really changes and were back in the same boat in 6 months time i suggested we do a "hard reset" and that i would go stay at my parents until we figured it out.
i lasted one night and the idea of being away from my kids was too much to bear, so the following morning i came back round, with a view to spending the day talking. surprisingly she had spent a lot of the night thinking and took quite a bit of responsibility for her side. i remained in the house but essnetially claimed the front room as my bedroom
we then spent the next 2 months in regular couples therapy.
things are much more harmonious at home now, but i think on some level the damage has been done for me, this is the bad side, i am trying to make it work from my end and digging deep but things arent the same, i still often think about our marriage ending and i have to confess that on some level im still there for my kids, but its certainly a more sustainable model and my kids are growing up in a much more happy environment, for me thats more important for now.

no i dont think so, shes genuinely not that sort of person, she doesnt really go out anywhere so i dont see how she would entertain it.

This sounds very similar to my current situation, but I still love my wife deeply and I've been fighting to make it work for years, myself and our friends are convinced she's depressed but refuses to get help, we've had this wobble after each of our 3 children, this particular time is the worst, it sounds like she's lost herself, she resents me and the children and tells me the feelings are gone.

She only ever communicates her feelings in anger, and it's always very small comments, getting anything else out of her is like getting blood out of stone which makes it hard.. I think in our situation the man/woman wiring is slightly reversed, probably as a result of very different upbringings.

In my mind, she is my person, i love our little family and we have so much to look forward too over the coming years, hopes and dreams that we had worked towards, she doesn't currently work and I have developed a fantastic career over the last few years and I'm in the middle of additional qualifications, all in the name of our future.

We've been together since 2013, children 10, 5 & 1.

How have things worked out for you?

Sorry but this sounds like you are getting on her nerves. It probably won't be your fault but she may have pmt, depression, stress etc. You need to spend much less time together. Take turns working late, going to the gym etc. Each of you get used to dealing with DC alone. You will either find it easier and feel like it's right to split up, or hard and appreciate each other more. Women are finding it tough to work full time and do all the mum stuff. Could she reduce her hours or get some help around the house? Trouble with modern marriage is you often don't NEED each other and that's the glue that holds you together in the rough times. Frankly you sound lovely but I suspect your wife is depressed.

Do you have a physical life together?

If your wife has this “wobble” after each child surely that would suggest PND?

You say she doesn’t currently work and you have built a fantastic career and are studying on top - presumably you have a nanny and a housekeeper then or who is taking care of the three children? With you picking up all the childcare and home admin when you finish work?

Definitely not a nanny and housekeeper level fantastic career, we live in rented accommodation, my wife takes care of the baby during the day.

I think possible PND too but she refuses to get help or admit issue, I'm a very loving, supportive husband, I communicate and listen well, but she's a very hard nut to crack.

I'm in the same boat but I have a 5yr old son. She doesnt play with him at all. She just lays around. All anyone ever talks about is how I'm always playing with my son. It hurts me deeply that she lives with me. She"s as bad as a wife can be and has been for YEARS. The only reason we are together is because of him.

Op your description of your wife sounds a lot like I was for years. I was deeply depressed and anxious. I didn't necessarily realise, I thought I was a joyless miserable bitch who should never have had children. My mental health was a result of my own upbringing and trauma experienced back then. This only became clear because I sought help but I see you don't think your dw would be up for that which is a shame because even if it didn't improve your marriage, it could help her enormously.