I think we’ve come to the end of our marriage. What do I do next?

[Superdupersquirrel]

For the past few years, I’ve had a creeping sense that our almost 30 year relationship is coming to an end. The issue is my she says he’s very happy with the way things are when I express that I am not and I am pining for romance, hearts and flowers etc which is not realistic. What I actually want is conversation, some intimacy other than sex and for us to socialise together, not always apart. He has work, his sport and then he comes home and we watch TV. I talk at him, as he’s not interested in what I have to say most of the time. He’s not interested in holidays as he thinks that’s just people not being content with what they have. He doesn’t understand why me and my dd would want to go away more than once every couple of years. Even then he never really enjoys it. He does have a health condition which means his energy is limited and he says once work and sport is done there’s nothing left. He misunderstands my want for us to start socialising with friends and family again as being too needy and I should just do these things on my own. I think it’s very important to have your own interests, but staring down the barrel of sitting at home in relative silence is terrifying. I’ve said I can’t go on like this and he has said he’s perfectly happy so it’s up to me. And I guess that’s true, so I end the botch that breaks up the family I suppose.

he says I want him to change and tbh he’s absolutely right - I feel like we are so isolated from the world and the fun has just gone.

am I unrealistic? Is this what relationships are? I’ve been with him for so long, I’m not sure what to feel anymore. Leaving someone or beauties they are a bad person but that it feels like the light has gone out feels so shallow. And then there’s my dad, house, my wonderful dog etc.

i know I can’t do this for the rest of my life, it goes so fast but what do I do?

It doesn't sound like you're looking for a fairytale at all - just an active, varied life where you see other people and which isn't just sitting on the sofa.

I think you need to plan to end it and say you just want more out of life - in terms of you just want a pretty ordinary amount of socialising and variety - and you feel held back from achieving even that with him. And that you either want that properly with him as part of your life, or to do it alone if he says 'Well, there's nothing stopping you doing what you want, I'll just stay here' because I guess it'll always just feel constrained if he's in the background not giving anything to you. It's one thing for a partner to have an independent life if their other half can say genuinely 'I love for you to do what makes you happy even if it's not for me' and is a listening ear and feels like a partner, but another if someone is on the sofa going 'OK, whatever, do what you want'.

his response to the points you’ve made is that he is happy and I’m looking for a fairytale.

It's his viewpoint that's faulty, not yours. What you're asking for isn't a fairytale. It's a normal life. The life he says he's happy with is a dull and empty one that most people would find depressing and claustrophobic.

Oh my goodness, I’ll be honest I half expected someone to say that actually I was being a bit unreasonable but the fact you are all so supportive is both wonderful and really depressing! This is just so scary x

Change is always scary and it takes lots of guts to do something like this. However, I’m guessing from your post that you are still only in your 40’s. Can you imagine another 30 years of this and even worse, 20 or so of them with just him? It won’t get better, just worse believe me. I left mine at 50 when my kids were adults as I just couldn’t stand the lack of passion on his side about anything. Just watching football on tv and drinking. It was grim. There is so much more to life. I absolutely love my life now 7 years on.

It is scary OP. But you are a strong woman who has supported her family in every way and you will feel like you are not dragging an anvil around when you are truly on your own.

You cleay want different things from life, what you want isn't unreasonable. He is not listening to you.

Imagine this time next summer just deciding on a whim to walk to the pub with a friend for a drink or popping to the shops with your DD without even thinking about misery guts on the sofa.

Yes it isn't easy to untangle 30 years but it's also better than looking ahead 20 and still being in the position you are now.

2018 was when I first thought of leaving DH, then I seriously wanted to in lockdown. If I’d gone then I’d have got more, as I still had dependent kids.

I think a lot of it is guilt - I’m worried what will happen to his health by me leaving, I worry that I’m basically destroying the dream he had of us moving to Cornwall when DD leaves home, it all gets taken away. But I said to a friend, the one place I don’t feel myself is at home 😢

I don’t want to live this life, but I don’t want to be alone.

Living alone is so much more pleasant than living with a grouchy, grumpy old man.

So he had a dream of you moving to Cornwall? To do what OP? Sit on the couch there? Take you away from your friends and family (including DD by the sounds of it). Run from that OP, if he wants to go to Cornwall then he can go. Stop feeling guilty.

I'm already getting that from stbx, how he'll not need a big pan, or a sofa etc as there will just be him... I just keep asking if he's not intending inviting his sons round for dinner. Fud!

Implicit in “he’s been there for X” is that this means you have to stay with him, even though that makes you unhappy.
You don’t owe him another three decades or more of this. You also don’t need his permission. He’s also given you the ultimatum really: his offer is No real conversation, No doing stuff together, no whining will be listened to. If that’s enough for you, then stay. I was n your position, and I left.

So is it normal to feel sick and totally overwhelmed by this? I feel like I’m setting off a bomb

Yes, absolutely normal. Change is scary!

OP, truly you might be surprised. You might leave, and he will infuriatingly start to take care of his health much better. Coupled are complex and it sounds like you are both very much stuck in a rut, and he is absolutely neglecting you (by making no effort to meet your needs) and himself. Maybe having to stand on his own two feet will be a good thing for him too.

Do not worry about him. I felt exactly the same. Leas than 8 months later he had someone else and I was a distant memory!

OP I am you just a bit further down the road. No major drama/affair just years of growing further and further apart coupled with an increasing realisation we just want different things. We both work full time yet I am the one to literally do everything else at home.

Somehow this is all my fault; that I am the one who is breaking up our family although he actually applied for divorce a few months ago. We still haven't told DC (young adults) which I am dreading. I am terrified they will think this is all my fault.

Exactly. I said that to my DS when he said he was worried about his dad.

It makes me so mad that this is the same lad, currently away at uni, struggling with mental health (probably related to his neuro divergence) and trying to find a job that DH is refusing to contribute to support financially.

Stbx does have mental health issues too but currently refuses to have any treatment for. Absolutely his prerogative but that doesn't mean that the rest of us should just put up with it. 🤷

Life is too short to be unhappy.

I too have been paralysed with thoughts of needing to leave my husband and that there is something else out there.

together since 20, am 36. One son, age 6.

it’s been the hardest thing and I sm
not past it yet but since I have told him and started the process I feel so much better. I was making myself unwell with the stress and anxiety of it all for 2 years.

good luck with it all. Put yourself first for once xx

I know this is a few months old now but wondered how op is getting on? I'm in a similar situation

Hi Op, have you ever had fun together? Did you socialise as a couple in the past? Meals out, travel etc? Has he ever made an effort to do things that makes you happy?

If so, why do you think it has stopped?

👋

He doesn’t like any of these things and it’s unfair of me to expect him to.

But it's OK for him to expect you not to just because he doesn't want to?

He sounds miserable, selfish and controlling. He's alright so you have to shut up and put up? Fuck that.

You're a long time dead, go out and live your life. Do the things you want to do without him. You will build a whole new life the way you want to live it. Whether you do this whilst remaining with him is your choice. I suspect once you start, there'll be no looking back and leaving him will be inevitable.

My marriage suddenly ended a few years ago, I'm 62. At the time I felt my world had ended.
Now I moved to a place I always wanted to live, I have great friends and do what I want.
I was worried about facing a long retirement on my own and scared if I'm honest but I have DS who is buying a house up my way, family and friends and I feel so much happier than I did before.
My ex husband completely ignored me and all my needs.
I agree with the poster who said discuss this with a counsellor and start planning for your future.

Following with interest.

Somehow this is all my fault; that I am the one who is breaking up our family although he actually applied for divorce a few months ago. We still haven't told DC (young adults) which I am dreading. I am terrified they will think this is all my fault.

Is there a way of reframing this? I know when the split happens, the finger will be pointed at me when he has played his part in the relationship breakdown. I have youngish dc who are likely to be impressionable, yet I definitely don't want to play the blame game which husband will have no qualms in doing.

Thanks so much everyone for checking in - so I told him I felt it was coming to an end and outlined all the reasons I’d outlined here. He was devastated, very apologetic and said he felt that us as a couple and he as an individual may need some help. This was tbh the last thing I expected him to say! He said he wasn’t coping well with quite a traumatic family event that happened last year and had realised he’d pushed me and wider life away.

in the past, it’s often been the answer of ‘well all marriages have their ups and downs’ and I expected something as useless this time! But it was the exact opposite, it appeared to be the shock needed to address things he’d been hiding from. The process has been really healing and I am becoming far more confident to express my needs and do things I want to do alone and together.

However it was also very useful to express that life I too short to be unhappy so we agreed to go through this process over the next year then reflect on where we are and how we want to proceed. But so far so good.

what I would say to others that have said they feel like they are in a similar situation, if he had not agreed for us to work on things properly, I would have followed on the path to leave.

That sounds really positive. Either way you will have considered your options. I hope you get to make some changes whether you stay as couple or not.