I think we’ve come to the end of our marriage. What do I do next?

[Superdupersquirrel]

For the past few years, I’ve had a creeping sense that our almost 30 year relationship is coming to an end. The issue is my she says he’s very happy with the way things are when I express that I am not and I am pining for romance, hearts and flowers etc which is not realistic. What I actually want is conversation, some intimacy other than sex and for us to socialise together, not always apart. He has work, his sport and then he comes home and we watch TV. I talk at him, as he’s not interested in what I have to say most of the time. He’s not interested in holidays as he thinks that’s just people not being content with what they have. He doesn’t understand why me and my dd would want to go away more than once every couple of years. Even then he never really enjoys it. He does have a health condition which means his energy is limited and he says once work and sport is done there’s nothing left. He misunderstands my want for us to start socialising with friends and family again as being too needy and I should just do these things on my own. I think it’s very important to have your own interests, but staring down the barrel of sitting at home in relative silence is terrifying. I’ve said I can’t go on like this and he has said he’s perfectly happy so it’s up to me. And I guess that’s true, so I end the botch that breaks up the family I suppose.

he says I want him to change and tbh he’s absolutely right - I feel like we are so isolated from the world and the fun has just gone.

am I unrealistic? Is this what relationships are? I’ve been with him for so long, I’m not sure what to feel anymore. Leaving someone or beauties they are a bad person but that it feels like the light has gone out feels so shallow. And then there’s my dad, house, my wonderful dog etc.

i know I can’t do this for the rest of my life, it goes so fast but what do I do?

Sorry I read back and there so many typos and I can’t change them - I’ll try again!

For the past few years, I’ve had a creeping sense that our almost 30 year relationship is coming to an end. The issue is my dh says he’s very happy with the way things are and when I express that I am not I am just pining for romance, hearts and flowers etc which is not realistic.

What I actually want is conversation, some intimacy other than sex and for us to socialise together, not always apart. He has work, his sport and then he comes home and we watch TV. I talk at him, as he’s not interested in what I have to say most of the time. we’ve drifted away from any joint friends and he doesn’t see family anymore.

He’s not interested in holidays as he thinks that’s just people not being content with what they have. He doesn’t understand why me and my dd would want to go away more than once every couple of years. Even then he never really enjoys it. He does have a health condition which means his energy is limited and he says once work and sport is done there’s nothing left. He misunderstands my want for us to start socialising with friends and family again as being too needy and I should just do these things on my own. I think it’s very important to have your own interests, but staring down the barrel of sitting at home in relative silence is terrifying. I’ve said I can’t go on like this and he has said he’s perfectly happy so it’s up to me. And I guess that’s true, so I end the bitch that breaks up the family I suppose. I’m concerned he may actually be depressed but when I’ve tried to broach this the response is it’s all in my head and I’m the one that’s depressed.

he says I want him to change and tbh he’s absolutely right - I feel like we are so isolated from the world and the fun has just gone.

am I unrealistic? Is this what relationships are? I’ve been with him for so long, I’m not sure what to feel anymore. Leaving someone just because you’ve drifted apart, not because they are a bad person feels awful. but it feels like the light has gone out. And then there’s my dd17 (although even she has pointed out to me how sad she thinks our life is as we do nothing), house, my wonderful dog etc.

i know I can’t do this for the rest of my life, it goes so fast but what do I do?

Just separate.
you don’t say how old you are (early fifties) , but the steps are.

1. Mentally decide you’re done
2. Separate bedrooms, drop the rope with him
3. live your own live whilst preparing for leaving
4. your own place.
5. live free.

Truthfully, the men I know who are in their 50s and 60s aren't aging well. They're miserable, set in their ways and not a lot of fun to be around. And not in great health/shape either. I'm getting really fed up with DH and his laziness/poor diet and ever growing plethora of health conditions. I'm starting to save for an escape plan because I refuse to spend my golden years caring for someone who hasn't taken any responsibility for their health for decades when I battle a life long condition myself to the utmost of my ability.

If you can live in relative comfort by separating, then you've honestly got nothing to lose other than a dead weight around your neck. I would book an appointment with a solicitor to get some advice on how to get the ball rolling.

It sounds as though he is depressed or controlling or both. Or maybe he is just happy at home spending time with his immediate family. I think you would probably be happier out of the marriage. Not being able to go on holiday sounds miserable. What would he say if you and dd booked a holiday on your own? I have adult children and sometimes we go on holiday in twos rather than as a family.

i think he is also being unreasonable in not keeping up with joint friends.

i would try and talk to him and say you feel as though you have drifted apart and that you are unhappy he is preventing you from doing things you enjoy.

if he has no interest in making an effort to do things with you i would want to end the relationship.

Thank you everyone - his response to the points you’ve made is that he is happy and I’m looking for a fairytale. I just don’t know where you go with this, all the guilt and burden is on me because I want him to change.

this morning he clearly realises that he need to do something so I got a cuddle and I love you then annoyed that it wasn’t cheering me up.

I am so utterly lost, we’ve been together since I was 18 and I am paralysed by this.

Oh and on the holiday point that’s exactly what me and DD did this year and although he said he didn’t mind, when we got back, he said he didn’t understand why we felt the need to have to go away and that’s it’s sad/FOMO etc

I almost want someone to say no you are seeing this all wrong you can fix this etc but I just can’t see how 😢

He can’t expect a cuddle to fix it, it’s been broken too long and resentment has set in.
You need to decide what you want and go for it.

I do know how you feel, I’m in a very similar situation. I don’t want to live this life, but I don’t want to be alone. Although my DH is no company.

I really get that although weirdly the being on my own doesn’t bother me, I just feel cruel as he’s not a bad man and I’m breaking up our family

Have you had some therapy? It might be good to work through these feelings with someone. He actually doesn’t sound kind at all. He can obviously see you’re not happy and is choosing to live his life in exactly the way he wants to. You need to start focusing on your needs and your happiness. Life is just so short and if you have the financial means step away to live a different life.

Tell him that life is for living!

Can he commit to an activity with you once a week eg dinner out, walk etc?

Does he help out domestically?

Exactly, my DH is very nice and kind, but not nice enough to address his drinking and lying. I hope he finds someone to love him, someone who doesn’t mind constant white lies, and someone who is happy to drink with him.

It's interesting that in his priorities for using his energy expenditure his hobbies come before his family.

Time to prioritise yourself and your dd OP.

His health condition is pretty serious but he enjoys his physical job and his sport and he says these things help his mental health. So he says I just have so much more energy than him that he wants to come home and rest.

to me I feel like I’d prioritise my partner but I can’t help but think he doesn’t feel the same as he did either but there is no way he’d pull the plug so it’s on me to be the bad guy

But please if anyone sees it different and I’m being unreasonable, I’d appreciate the honest feedback x

how old old is your DD? do you work and could you support yourself? do you have a mortgage, is there any equity in the house? just thinking about the practical things before jumping in with any advice

Thanks @newname642 my dd is 17, fortunately in a position where financially and housing wise we’d both be fine. And I’m the main earner so going forward I’d be OK

Been there and DH is moving into his own place in 2 weeks. In the end the resentment of all the little things and feeling restricted whilst staring down the barrel of retirement finished it.

Everyone tells me I'll be happier and I think that's true. In the end I don't think he really loves me, he just loves the easier life.

There are clearly some couples who are genuinely happy but I've come to the realisation that there are a lot who aren't but just can't or won't change the situation.

You say he's not a bad man, but he is prioritising himself over his child and you and that's selfish and cuntish tbh.

I bet despite being the main earner, you also do the majority of the housework, child work and mental load right?

Just because he works and doesn't beat you up doesn't make him a good person or a good partner or parent.

Would he be prepared to go to couples therapy?

If it works it's cheaper than divorce. And if he says no, well you have your answer.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It took me a long time to realise quite how low in my DHs list of priorities I was and I'm now taking steps to leave (in my mid 60's). I've read hundreds of relationships posts and this phrase always comes back to me "I am there, but like a chair is there. Somewhat useful when you need a chair, but pushed to the corner most of the time.“ My marriage in a nutshell.

So here’s a question for everyone - the thing that niggles away at me is that of course there is always two sides. He would say he’s been there for my daughters sport jnterests but now she has stopped these, then it’s just work and his sport.

i like music, comedy, nature, travel (not even particularly exotic just getting out for the day to beautiful places), going out for dinner, socialising with friends. He doesn’t like any of these things and it’s unfair of me to expect him to. So can two people simply just stop working even though there is still love?

He would say he’s been there for my daughter's sport jnterests but now she has stopped these, then it’s just work and his sport.

If you say you are unhappy in the marriage, his answer to that is how he used to support his daughter? Does he not say anything to indicate he has any regard for you or your happiness?

Yes of course. I don't hate my stbx. He's the father of my (now young adult) DC. He was much more hands on in the early days but has just drifted off, left it all to me and then been unhappy because I'm now so resentful that I'm not fulfilling his needs for intimacy.

And I'm sure I'm not easy to live with either but the lack of respect from him to me has finished things.

I wouldn't wish him any harm and I hope he finds what he is looking for but I'm done.

My eyes have become more and more open as time goes on.

In your case, of course he doesn't have to like the same things or be as sociable as you, but he could compromise and at least take you for a drive and a quiet lunch from time to time and also not feel resentful when you do things solo.

I'm sure there are couples who have a companionship but different interests and still feel cared for/about. I don't think you need to be joined at the hip but there also has to be more than just a shared history.

Stbx and I share views on a lot of things, I know we both love our DC and want the best for them but demonstrate it in different ways and that's OK. But, I can no longer live feeling lonely and pissed off every time he leaves a mess for me to clear up etc.

Financially we'd definitely be better off together, I've had to delay my planned retirement as neither DC is financially independent yet (Asd) and maybe never will be but once again that will fall on my shoulders rather than his.

Anyway OP, I wish you the best of luck whatever you choose but I'd be tempted to decide now rather than kick the can down the road which is the mistake I've made for the last few years.