Relocation - Help!

[SDFL]

Hi

I’m a father who separated nearly 2 years ago and relocated to Ireland when I met my now ex partner (I’m from the UK) 11 years ago. I’ve never really been happy here (not many family or friends and don’t like the way of life), but obviously stuck it out whilst I was a) married and b) post separation for the purposes of seeing my kids, whom I have 50% custody of (private agreement) for the last 2 years.

I’m now strongly considering returning to the UK. I’ve stuck it out here for two years post separation but I am truly miserable and my kids are not even getting close to the best version of me, I don’t feel the time we have is anywhere near good enough. So I’m thinking a move back home could be a better foundation on which to rebuild my life, which then the kids will ultimately benefit from, albeit I’ll see them every other weekend as opposed to the 50% custody I have now.

Would really appreciate any advice on same. My ex isn’t exactly the most agreeable/tolerant person in the world so I know this proposal will not go down well, but I genuinely can’t see myself surviving another 15+ years here until all the kids are 18+.

Thanks in advance

Hi,
Maybe a discussion will have to take place to explain how you're feeling. Is there an option to commute say every other weekend to see the kids and maintain the relationship to see how things go before upping sticks and moving completely. Probably your partner will also have ideas or options that hopefully can work for you all.

When you say the kids aren't getting the best version of you with 50:50, do you mean you want to be awesome fun Disney Dad who turns up every few weeks with presents and activities, and leave all the boring work of actually raising the kids to your ex?
What's this about ultimately benefiting your kids? How so exactly? And how will they feel in the meantime?

Bit harsh some of these relies.
A mother would be encouraged to move for family support. And many do.
I think you need to research things a bit more, housing costs, you’d have to travel so how would that work? Where would you stay? How often would you expect to collect the kids and bring them over? What about work? Etc

Unless you research I don’t think we can answer you properly and you don’t have any facts. There’s nothing to stop you going.

The amount of time has no bearing on the quality of the time (i.e. the 50/50). And no I'm not looking to be/do any of what you have suggested. The point is that my life here is miserable and therefore I feel like I'm failing my children.

Hi,

Appreciate the response. I've already done some fairly extensive research and while I'd need a few things to fall into place (e.g. being able to maintain a base in Ireland in order that my children have consistency and not hotels etc) then I'm pretty confident it can be done. I've crunched the numbers and while naturally I'll be worse off it wouldn't be to a point where life becomes a struggle. I'm acutely aware I need to make sure I don't replace one problem with another

Hi, thanks for the reply. There is as it happens, I've the option to work 20 days from another country each calendar year. So I'm looking into spreading that over a 7 week period and doing exactly as you've suggested. A bit of a trial run!

Seriously? You think once a fortnight is the same as 50:50 as long as you have a great time once you actually show up? Ask your kids what they think....

I think you're missing the point entirely. Try and forget about the time that you're preoccupied with. Let's just say for arguments sake I currently have them 3 nights every other weekend, and then apply everything else I said in my original post. I think my kids will benefit from having a father who isn't in the absolute throws of depression ultimately

Moving for family support with your kids is one thing.
Moving away from your family (your children) to be with preferred other parts of your family is quite another.

If you are miserable then you need to make some changes. But the reality is, moving away from your kids and seeing them less often is actively stepping away from your parental responsibilities with them. If you don't think this will negatively impact your own happiness and lead to guilt, or make your children feel abandoned, then go for it.
Personally moving away from my children, even if they were in a war zone, is something I would never do.

If you're depressed, try therapy. Exercise. Speak to a doctor or a social worker. Make friends. Find a hobby. There are lots of options that don't involve ditching your children. (Oh, it isn't ditching? Ask them what they think - ask them now, and again when they're older, but be prepared for some hard truths from them).

You really don't think I've done any of that for the last 11 years? Thanks for your input.

Explain that to your kids. If you have a form of depression that can't be cured by therapy, exercise, medication, friendships...etc. what makes you think moving countries will cure it? I hope your ex is an awesome Mum, cuz they're gonna need one.

I feel like my post wasn't helpful, and you're after help rather than opinions. Sorry.
It sounds to me like you need to address your mental health first. There is no guarantee that once you've moved, settled into your new life, you will feel better. Once people have families life moves on for everyone and your old life might not be how you remember.
Have you been to see a doctor about your depression? Do you have a therapist?
Have you considered moving to another town that is commutable from your children and starting afresh there?
Also - it is fucking hard being a single parent. It is relentless and full on when you've got them and then you miss them as soon as they're gone. You are doing the hard yards now. It will change when your kids get older and start to want to hang with their friends more.
With kindness - I would also think really really hard about the reasons you've cited above for moving. I think you need to talk it all though with a therapist because they don't seem to stack up to me.
At the moment you've got 50% of the month to do hobbies, date, whatever you want. But defo do something positive with that time.

Appreciate the follow up. I've been seeing a therapist for the last 18 months or so, who has categorically told me that all of my problems are circumstantial. I've tried meds, did nothing, presumably for the aforementioned reason. 11 years I've tried, and failed, to maintain (and I realise this is highly subjective) any form of quality of life here. I've lived in 3 different towns. I've built a successful career. I'm not exactly wealthy but nor am I flat broke. Might also be worth noting that the 50/50 was implemented by my ex at the time of separation due to a period of financial uncertainty I was experiencing at that time, coupled with the fact I was paying an extortionate amount of rent as well as half a mortgage. It had nothing to do with her "wanting" me to have the kids half the time, shall we say. It suited at the time and then it stuck.

@UnderGreenGrass as a caveat to this, and this was a point made by a close friend of mine, if we'd have been living in the UK and separated she'd have been on the first plane back to Ireland with my kids. I know you can only take my word for that, but I can assure you it's 100% true. Which would essentially create the exact same set of circumstances as this minus any social judgement (generally speaking, not directed at you). Call me a cynic but I'm not wrong am I?

What is it about where you live now that is so bad vs where you intend to go so good?

I get it’s nice to have family around but most of us don’t realistically live near family ( I’m in England and live 4 + hours away)

what makes a place home is the friends you make, the life you create for yourself which can be done where you are.

a move might be best for you we don’t know, but recognise it will fundamentally change your relationship with the children even if you think it won’t. They will also likely have a hard time understanding. And as they grow older will most likely not want to come to U.K. every other weekend, or even want to spend a whole weekend if you go back to Ireland ….. where world you stay with them ? They will want a dad close by, that they can come and go, drop in etc

think v carefully

Based on what you wrote, the therapist sounds sketch. If all you are learning to do in therapy is to blame your circumstances and not learn tools to deal with them, it's not working. Try a different therapist, one who will challenge you to grow.
But is the therapist really saying that, or is that what you want to hear? Your next response basically says you wish your ex had moved away - then you'd be kid free and blameless. So you're looking for someone/something else to be responsible basically? This attitude won't stand you well in life or in parenting.
What do you want here, a bunch of random people on the internet to say its ok if you move, it's not your fault? We don't matter, we don't know you. Your kids matter though. What do they think? How will it affect them?

Thanks for the reply. For one, it's home. I lived somewhere else for two years before Ireland and was just as miserable there too. So it's not necessarily an Ireland thing, per se. Where I live now is very remote (I have one neighbour) and I've only ever known city life. Obvious solution to anyone reading this might be "why not move to Dublin" or A.N. Other city but there is a) a massive housing crisis and b) the cost of living where I am is outrageous let alone Dublin. Think London and you wouldn't be a million miles off.

Suppose my way of thinking is, as some others have suggested, why not move somewhere relatively local and commute - In my mind why is a 30 minute flight + 50 minute drive any less manageable? It takes me 2 hours to get home from work in Dublin but I do that.

But I totally get what you're saying, implications down the line etc. who's to say it would end up being a forever thing. I really don't know. All I do know is a massive change is needed and I'm running out of ideas

No what I was actually looking for was peoples experiences in similar situations - living away from their kids. Not someone's poor interpretation of my rationale nor someone's poor attempt at reading between the lines. But once again, thanks for your input.

My ExH and I had 50:50 care and then he moved an hours drive, plus a ferry ride away. He went to seeing DD every other weekend and more time in the holidays.
She was 10 years old their relationship has never recovered, even though he moved back here when she was 13.
There were other complicating factors, but definitely she felt some level of abandonment by him leaving,
Honestly his reasons for moving were about him, but when you have kids you have to largely put that kind stuff aside and do what's right for them.

Thank you, that's very helpful

I have basically sole care of my kids, their dad sees them once a fortnight max. and as a result they just don't really think of him much at all. Their relationship is more of a visitor than of a parent. They don't know any different, but if he'd ever been present, then went away, then that would have been really tough on them. I get what you're saying about how 50/50 came to be - BUT this is about them, not you. If they're liking 50/50 then you becoming a less present parent will hurt them.

And I also understand not liking where you're living I'm living in Ireland right now for my kids - the education and the stability they didn't have before is good for them, even though the weather really, really gets me down. I'm gritting my teeth and seeing the good (like having made some really good friends, beautiful countryside when looking out from indoors) where I can until they're through school, because it is best for them.

BTW, you're saying 30 mins flight + 50 minute drive - but it wouldn't be - Dublin airport with parking and being there early enough to get through security, you're not going to see much change from 3 hours.

Personally I don’t think a 2 hour commute to kids is great even if in sane country.

it often stops kids sports/friends/parties etc at weekends and generallly just doing ‘normal’ stuff. Unless real abuse I would always advise staying local to your children as much as possible

i wouldnt have stayed where I am if it wasn’t for the children, their lives here, their dad here. And 15 years down the line I’m glad I stayed as it’s made everything so much easier and better for them. They’re late teens now and I don’t regret it one bit

If you have 50/50 now how does that look? I work with someone who lives in France with his family. He arrives at work from France on a Monday morning and stays in a studio until Thursday then goes home to France after work arriving in time for dinner on Thursday evening. He wfh on Fridays (in France).
I suppose there must be a way to work something out. You are not abandoning your children unless you see them every single day. If you only see them at weekends it could work somehow. I guess it depends on what part of the country is home for you. A trial is the best idea. How do you get on with your ex?
I speak as someone who lived in another country and on separating had to come home WITH my 3dc - ex wanted to live without responsibility. It damaged his relationship but only because he wasn't consistent with contact.

I understand the desire to move back to be near family and friends, and I am sure it would be better for you, but you're asking your kids to go from seeing you 50% of the time, to significantly less because it's what's best for you, they may see that, as they are kids, as they don't make you happy and you want to see them less. Big difference to go to from 15 nights a month to 4. You a,so can't assume that your ex will give you increased time during the holidays to suit you, as she will be pretty much raising the kids single handedly. Are the kids aware you are planning this? Add in an ex you don't get on with, it's a recipe to not seeing them at all within a year or so- can you accept that if your new location makes you happier?