Relocation - Help!

[SDFL]

Hi

I’m a father who separated nearly 2 years ago and relocated to Ireland when I met my now ex partner (I’m from the UK) 11 years ago. I’ve never really been happy here (not many family or friends and don’t like the way of life), but obviously stuck it out whilst I was a) married and b) post separation for the purposes of seeing my kids, whom I have 50% custody of (private agreement) for the last 2 years.

I’m now strongly considering returning to the UK. I’ve stuck it out here for two years post separation but I am truly miserable and my kids are not even getting close to the best version of me, I don’t feel the time we have is anywhere near good enough. So I’m thinking a move back home could be a better foundation on which to rebuild my life, which then the kids will ultimately benefit from, albeit I’ll see them every other weekend as opposed to the 50% custody I have now.

Would really appreciate any advice on same. My ex isn’t exactly the most agreeable/tolerant person in the world so I know this proposal will not go down well, but I genuinely can’t see myself surviving another 15+ years here until all the kids are 18+.

Thanks in advance

Hi, my current arrangement is Wednesday school pick up to Friday school drop one week, then Wednesday pick up to Monday drop the next.

In my mind, that would change from Friday pick up to Monday drop off every other weekend, and possibly then Monday after school for a bit. I'd essentially base myself in Ireland for that time, and bring them to UK for extended periods like school holidays.

So in practice, I'd be losing the Wednesday and Thursday night. That's the only deviation from the way things are today. I work from home until 5:30 on both of these days as it stands today, so it's literally a finish work/make the dinner/bedtime job. Which obviously is part and parcel of being a parent and has to be done, I suppose what I'm saying is that it isn't quality time, it's actually no time at all. On the flip side of that my ex is a teacher and finishes at 3pm so if the question were simply "where are the kids better off being midweek" then the answer is fairly obvious, irrespective of the wider issue we're discussing. Sure it's nice having that touch point with them but from their perspective it definitely doesn't represent quality time.

Appreciate where you're coming from. Whilst she might oppose the idea as a concept, I can say without any shadow of a doubt I'll be allowed additional time and probably even be asked to do it (she's the Irish Judith Chalmers). Im actually at the end of a 7 night stint as I say this due to another girls holiday. As I said in the post above the only drop off would be Wednesdays and Thursdays, which sounds callous and like I don't want to have them on those days but what I'm really saying is I feel the impact isn't quite as great as it sounds when it's out like dropping from 15 to 6. It's a tough one though.

I'm not convinced they do though. That could be my own insecurities, but I sometimes feel like they'd be better off not seeing me at all. I know this isn't true but it's a feeling nonetheless. Re the airport piece, I was referring to my travel time, the plan would be early Friday morning flight to be here for school pick up and stay in Ireland until Monday evening. So from their perspective there's no change other than not coming here on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

I work from home until 5:30 on both of these days as it stands today, so it's literally a finish work/make the dinner/bedtime job. Which obviously is part and parcel of being a parent and has to be done, I suppose what I'm saying is that it isn't quality time, it's actually no time at all.

The daily stuff is what makes you the parent. Anyone can take them out to lunch or to a theme park or Jumpzone or whatever. Quality time is one thing, but the thing that makes you mum/dad, is the day to day care - making their packed lunch, doing homework with them, taking them to sports or music lessons (sitting with a coffee waiting for them most of the time), washing their clothes and noticing they need new shoes, reading them a story and tucking them in.

My kids teens/tweens now and still they like me coming in to say goodnight and give them a hug.

Not doing that stuff relegates you to grandparent/aunt/uncle levels - and that's your decision - are you unhappy enough to put that distance into your relationship, to not know their day to day (as boring as that can seem while you're in it)?

@CleftChin no I completely know all this. Point was rather it's 90 - 120 mins x 2 nights as opposed to the nature of what is going on, because I'm working until 5.30. As in that's the potential drop off in terms of my actual time with them, 3 - 4 hours a week.

That's one way to see it. I'm not sure that kids count the hours like that though.

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do at the moment but no child would feel better off for not seeing their Dad as much. That's in your head - not theirs.
I really hope you feel better soon and look after yourself.

Thank you

Firstly I'm wondering what kind of teaching your ex does that finishes at 3pm on the dot every day so she can leave and spend quality time with her kids every week day and not have any marking/prep/school events etc to attend?

If you could advise the many teachers on this forum where they can get such a job, we'd be mightily pleased. 🙄

Secondly, you seem to be denigrating every single working parent out there. Do you not realise that ALL parents feel wrung-out and stressed as they rush to the school gates, get their kids home and finish off the working day whilst the kids watch tv? Or alternatively, use after school care and have to finish work meetings on the dot so they can run out of the door to make it to pick upon time?

That doesn't make us unfit parents, it means we're doing the best we can.

But sometimes, those pick ups are where you get the download about your child's day. What made them happy, what made them sad, what homework they have etc, so when you are at home with them later you know your own child's life just that little bit better.

Yes, seeing your kids 4 days a month instead of 15 will make your life easier and less stressful. You'll have less cooking, less cleaning, zero school runs, little or no need to help with homework; you'd essentially be cherry picking all the easiest parts of parenting.

Soooooo many men do this.

And however you dress it up, it's not for the benefit of the kids, it's for you. Because you want your ex to do the heavy-lifting parts of parenting rather than you. So own it and say "I can't be arsed with this 50/50 parenting lark anymore, it's HARD. I'm going to move countries so I don't have to do it anymore."

If you can't be a proper parent, at least be honest about it.

Wow.

I'd rather not get into the finer details, but I've taken what you might call "drastic measures" in the past. I'd prefer not to head down that path again. And I don't say such a thing lightly. I'm considering this for my mental health, which I think I've made pretty clear from the off. But thanks for your blind, "stick to type" judgement anyway 👍

@S00tyandSweep oh and if i just wanted to bail the 50/50, I'd just tell my ex rather than uproot my entire life.

are you certain that the gain to your MH of being back in England much of the time won’t be lost by seeing your kids less and all the stressful commuting. Eg what if a flight gets cancelled?

What would the taxation situation be with this kind of living?

You would have less money, surely, after more child support and travel costs and keeping two homes?

Hi @SheilaFentiman - no of course I'm not sure. None of us can be. So I'm looking at exercising an option I have to work elsewhere for 6 weeks. A shorter period than "forever" granted but a good benchmark nonetheless, and even if I were to take the plunge and it not be the dream scenario then it's easy enough to come back. Not ideal obviously.

Re flights/tax - based on the research I've done I'd look at the first flight Friday which means the likelihood of a cancellation is a lot less (with the exception of weather issues which I'd naturally have to keep up with). Tax I'd have to be in Ireland for 183 days in a year or 240 (I think) across 2 years. So I'd certainly be covered for this year.

If you read the post rather than leap into some issue you have with fathers you would have figured out he means he's miserable, unhappy in the country and struggling within himself. This will obviously impact on his ability to parent. Poor mental health impacts anyone's ability to parent.

That's weird there was almost a same post except a lady in the exact same scenario a while ago wanting to move back to uk

@tridento hooray for common sense. Thank you

That is weird. What was she told to do?

For Sooty - Irish Primary School teacher hours - it's actually a pretty good job over here. The teachers at my kids school generally arrive 30-10 mins before the kids, and leave 30m-1 hour after (our school finishes at 2).

There's heavy use of (very good) workbooks, so marking and prep is minimal in comparison to what my mother had to do as a teacher in the UK.