URGENT: Shall I Divorce Him?

[BusyFinch]

My Husband hates my children (they’re not our kids together they are my children from a previous marriage and are pre teen / early teen secondary school age. He is hypercritical of them and is super picky about everything they do. He has no or next to no relationship with them despite the fact that he has been living under the same roof as them for last 5 years. His criticisms are especially focused upon my daughter who is my youngest and a typical pre teen. Messy and answers back a lot. He is constantly on high alert always telling me things she’s done wrong.

For example today - not using her knife only using her fork at dinner , hanging her sports medals on her wardrobe door handle because they swing when she opens and closes the door it risks damaging the wardrobe door apparently, talking back to me, using her phone at the dinner table (showing me a mug cake she wanted us to make for her pudding), being on her phone too much generally, having too many items of cosmetics and it causing the kids bathroom to be messy and this is a relatively ‘light’ day in terms of his complaints. We have been out all day and this has all been between 4 and 9pm today. Some days there will be constant complaints all day.

For example: as soon as the kids get back from school they’re being too loud (he works from home in the living room as he has used the study as his hobby room so can’t fit a desk in there), kids have not taken their school bags immediately up to their rooms, not put their shoes neatly on the hall mat, had a snack at the table and left crumbs, not pushed the dining room chair in when getting up, not cleared the table after their snack, not put the snack stuff in the dishwasher to his liking, stomped up the stairs too loud, ran up stairs, worn shoes in the house, got water on the floor or too much water around sink in bathroom and this will all be in the 30 mins or so after the kids get in from school - this continues in a similar vein every hour of the day he is in the house with the kids.

In the first years or our marriage I tried to get the kids to do things to his liking but a couple of weeks ago I could no longer stand his constant petty ridiculous nitpicking of my kids and told him if he didn’t lay off them we were getting divorced.

He has never really tried to form any sort of relationship with my kids. They dislike him and tolerate him at absolute best. My ex husband (the kids dad) has indoctrinated the kids telling them they don’t have to listen to my husband which only makes things worse.

My husband and I are arguing about this on a daily basis. He is a negative, chronic complainer and doesn’t see the good in the world or in people in general. He is basically a miserable person. He hates his job and complains about that too. He dropped from full time to 4 days a week last year, but he is as miserable as ever.

A couple of months back after a family walk my daughter was sat in my car boot getting her muddy wellies off. He told her to get out of the boot so as not to get it muddy. She reasoned that her muddy boots were hung over the edge of the car boot. He was infuriated at her for talking back and literally physically removed her from the boot of my car - quite roughly too. I was shocked and have since been spending a lot of time considering leaving him.

My daughter had told me previously that he gets really angry with her when I am not there eg about leaving her room messy and she feels he wants to hit her that is how furious he appears to her. He never has hit her, just been cross with her but it has clearly scared her.

My son has basically figured out that he needs to not speak back and to not question my husband about stuff and he is generally a less confrontational child and so doesn’t get targeted by my husband as much as my daughter. A few years ago however my son was on the receiving end of exactly what my daughter is now I once went into my sons room and found my husband had hold of him on both shoulders - my husband said my son had tried to kick/lash out at him - this was years ago now and has not occurred again. I told my husband I would not tolerate this and that it would be over if he ever did anything like that again.

I am literally at the point where I cannot relax in my own home with the kids as I am just always waiting for the next negative comment or criticism to come from my husband. He literally hates all the world. Do I divorce him?

The house is in my sole name but he’s been here for 5 years so presumably would have some claim on it in the event of a divorce?

He constantly moans about the fact that he has to pay towards the mortgage from our joint back account without any ownership of the property. He often moans about the cost of raising my kids and how it costs much more than the child maintenance my ex husband pays. He moans about how much I spend (I am the main breadwinner). I do not live lavishly but literally every time I take the kids out anywhere that costs anything he will comment on it. I have not had a proper holiday with my kids in 5 years (we have been going camping or renting an air bnb with friends in the uk as he has been saying he doesn’t want to go on holiday with the kids he would rather just go with me and it would cost too much to do 2 holidays so either he and I have a holiday together or the kids and I do - I have ignored this and booked the above holidays for the kids and I every year anyway. He doesn’t come with us and will book a cottage in the uk for one week a year for him and me which I don’t enjoy as I am basically a cook on holiday he will just complain about having to eat out too much. Last year I told him I was booking an all inclusive in 2025 for the kids and I and he could come if he liked which he has agreed to - but I literally had to fight to get him to listen to what I wanted)

Financially I could manage without him as I work practically full time plus I get child maintenance from my ex.

Question is do I divorce him? And if I do what happens to my house? Shall I offer to pay him back whatever he has spent on my house so far just to make him more likely to leave without a fuss. I have asked him to move out and he has said no. He says he does not want a divorce, but I have so much anger, sadness and resentment about how the kids and I have been living in this bloody war zone for the last 5 years I cannot see any other way forward. Thank you so much for reading and any advice would be very gratefully received.

I don't normally feel comfortable answering on marriage issue threads (I've never experienced issues, so I'd feel a fraud) however I think divorcing him is vital. I saw your update and I'm glad you've made the decision to separate, for your sake and that of your kids. Your kids come first, bless them. Take care, and stay strong - you must stick to your guns, it will be a tough transition but I'm certain you won't regret it.

I’m amazed you have to ask
Appalled you ever married him
and aghast you got your kids to adapt to your lover

YANBU definitely divorce.
my parents divorced when I was 10 and my stepdad was critical but my goodness not even 10% of what your husband does. Sounds like every day is a struggle to get through.

My ex was like this. Absolutely dreadful and I know the feeling of walking on eggshells every day. You must leave. His sounds awful - and won't change.

Do it for your kids if nobody else.

It was over when he lay hands on your kids.

Yes there certainly are. Some very angry people but I appreciate they care enough to read and respond and ultimately I needed a wake up call

UPDATE: Filed the divorce application online this afternoon and told the kids he will be leaving.

Poor you this sounds very stressful. I think you should suggest he leaves. This could ruin your relationship with your children (and their wellbeing) which is more important. Time is of the essence given their age.

“Question is, do I divorce him”

I can’t believe this is real.

If it is OP, then do something about the terrible decision you have made to put this abusive man before your children and leave him before you do irreversible damage. You have the financial means… there is no excuse.

well done, you’ve absolutely done the right thing and you will all be so much happier in the long run.

I wish you and your kids all the luck in the world.

Strange question. These days adults are always told to 'put themselves first', not to stay in a marriage if they are not happy in it, to look for 'true love' and to remember that children will grow up and leave. They are also told that children don't care if they live in a traditional family or two mum or two dad family (yeah, right) and other garbage. This is the mode these days. To put children last.

Well done for making the decision.
Hopefully you'll be able to get him out of the house asap? His behaviour towards your children has been completely unacceptable for so long and they really deserve some time and space to decompress.
Be prepared for them to tell you other things he's said and done once they know he's going. The fact that you stayed with him despite his dislike for your children may be quite difficult for them to understand and they may have censored what they told you for fear of upsetting you? Not saying that to be unkind - but they've been in a toxic family for a while and somehow you'll need to enable them to heal from that (as will you). Good luck

My ex husband behaved like yours and was thoroughly unpleasant. I divorced him and have never regretted it. It was the best thing for my children and for me.

Oh my gosh your kids will be so unhappy. I’m sorry but why on earth haven’t you divorced him already? And have made your poor children live like this for the past 5 years? Leave him now. For your children’s sake.

Sorry just seen your updates - well done. You and your children will be so so so much happier. All the best 💕

A good many people don't understand how abusive relationships manifest. There's a reason the 'boiling frog' analogy exists. They don't start out this way: if they did no woman would end up with them. They mask it, and go through a cycle of love bombing, 'negging' and discarding. Then it ramps up, and they push a little more and erode the boundaries a little further each time.

Before you are able to comprehend what's happening, you look at yourself and recognise that you (or your children) are victims. That 'scales falling from the eyes' moment of epiphany is one of the most painful there is. No intelligent woman likes to feel she's been 'had' by a devious, abusive arsehole. We think we'll be the ones to see through it. Often we're not, and many a better woman than I am has been taken in by such behaviour.

The beauty of it is: once you've seen the signs, done some reading and familiarised yourself with the patterns abusers follow you won't be taken in by it again. The patterns rarely vary. There's a reason The Script exists as well.

There is no point beating yourself up about what happened in the past. The predictable posts along the lines of 'Whyeeeee did you marry/have a baby with this man?' is a tedious, predicable, MN parrotcry appearing on nearly every thread where an OP reports abuse. Hope you'll disregard the posters who so gleefully take a potshot at others whilst they are down.

The important thing is that you've recognised it now, and are taking decisive action to change it.

You can't do more.

Another thing with shitty marriages is you wake up one day and years of your life are wasted walking on egg shells and you cannot put a value to that.

Don't talk about buying him off he will have to approach you for what he wants. And that might cost him nearly as much as the percentage for 5 years.

Bless your heart . Well done for being brave enough to do what you need to. I can imagine how you must be feeling but keep it pushing and never look back. Learn what you must and keep it moving. Good luck

Well done and good luck. This is just the beginning and there are hard times to come but I remember that weight literally lifting off. Keep your head up and be on your guard.x

Yes you need to divorce him OP and work out the logistics later

he lacks empathy and is v selfish

He could have always communicated what he wanted and expected in the house in a constructive and kinder way, nothing wrong with having house rules in a shared family home, kids need boundaries after all, but him yelling and screaming at them every time they are loud or running up the stairs or whatever and just being miserable is simply not on- he is a bully.

I am glad you are doing the right thing

Please in future check you have compatible parenting styles before introducing your children.

Ah busyfinch keep going, just keep going. Maybe some posters haven't been in the situation, don't appreciate the insidious creep of the bad stuff....you're doing brill.

He sounds insufferable op, you'll be well rid of that one.

OP some folks just come on to kick someone when they're down. It makes them feel better.

Well done on recognising this and taking action. Good luck.

Well done. You are taking control This horrible man will be out of your lives soon. Stay strong.

Have you read the book 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay?

Get a copy and read it.

The crux of it is, you can't weigh good bits of a relationship against bad bits like a judge weighing up evidence, you approach it like a doctor diagnosing a patient.

Any signs that the relationship is terminally ill (lack of respect, refusing to discuss problems, it having been bad for longer than it was good- to name just 3) you need to end it. It doesn't matter what good bits there also are - the worst arsehole in the world will have some good days!

You can do this. Good luck.

Edit- just seen your update - it will be worth it, you can do this!

Leave! Hes manhandled your child...i would have manhandled him!!! He is a controller... You are sacrificing your children's happiness to save his. Youre kids are miserable, you do not need them to have those memories, believe me they will blame you as they they older. I would have Chucked him out and applied for divorce online asap