URGENT: Shall I Divorce Him?

[BusyFinch]

My Husband hates my children (they’re not our kids together they are my children from a previous marriage and are pre teen / early teen secondary school age. He is hypercritical of them and is super picky about everything they do. He has no or next to no relationship with them despite the fact that he has been living under the same roof as them for last 5 years. His criticisms are especially focused upon my daughter who is my youngest and a typical pre teen. Messy and answers back a lot. He is constantly on high alert always telling me things she’s done wrong.

For example today - not using her knife only using her fork at dinner , hanging her sports medals on her wardrobe door handle because they swing when she opens and closes the door it risks damaging the wardrobe door apparently, talking back to me, using her phone at the dinner table (showing me a mug cake she wanted us to make for her pudding), being on her phone too much generally, having too many items of cosmetics and it causing the kids bathroom to be messy and this is a relatively ‘light’ day in terms of his complaints. We have been out all day and this has all been between 4 and 9pm today. Some days there will be constant complaints all day.

For example: as soon as the kids get back from school they’re being too loud (he works from home in the living room as he has used the study as his hobby room so can’t fit a desk in there), kids have not taken their school bags immediately up to their rooms, not put their shoes neatly on the hall mat, had a snack at the table and left crumbs, not pushed the dining room chair in when getting up, not cleared the table after their snack, not put the snack stuff in the dishwasher to his liking, stomped up the stairs too loud, ran up stairs, worn shoes in the house, got water on the floor or too much water around sink in bathroom and this will all be in the 30 mins or so after the kids get in from school - this continues in a similar vein every hour of the day he is in the house with the kids.

In the first years or our marriage I tried to get the kids to do things to his liking but a couple of weeks ago I could no longer stand his constant petty ridiculous nitpicking of my kids and told him if he didn’t lay off them we were getting divorced.

He has never really tried to form any sort of relationship with my kids. They dislike him and tolerate him at absolute best. My ex husband (the kids dad) has indoctrinated the kids telling them they don’t have to listen to my husband which only makes things worse.

My husband and I are arguing about this on a daily basis. He is a negative, chronic complainer and doesn’t see the good in the world or in people in general. He is basically a miserable person. He hates his job and complains about that too. He dropped from full time to 4 days a week last year, but he is as miserable as ever.

A couple of months back after a family walk my daughter was sat in my car boot getting her muddy wellies off. He told her to get out of the boot so as not to get it muddy. She reasoned that her muddy boots were hung over the edge of the car boot. He was infuriated at her for talking back and literally physically removed her from the boot of my car - quite roughly too. I was shocked and have since been spending a lot of time considering leaving him.

My daughter had told me previously that he gets really angry with her when I am not there eg about leaving her room messy and she feels he wants to hit her that is how furious he appears to her. He never has hit her, just been cross with her but it has clearly scared her.

My son has basically figured out that he needs to not speak back and to not question my husband about stuff and he is generally a less confrontational child and so doesn’t get targeted by my husband as much as my daughter. A few years ago however my son was on the receiving end of exactly what my daughter is now I once went into my sons room and found my husband had hold of him on both shoulders - my husband said my son had tried to kick/lash out at him - this was years ago now and has not occurred again. I told my husband I would not tolerate this and that it would be over if he ever did anything like that again.

I am literally at the point where I cannot relax in my own home with the kids as I am just always waiting for the next negative comment or criticism to come from my husband. He literally hates all the world. Do I divorce him?

The house is in my sole name but he’s been here for 5 years so presumably would have some claim on it in the event of a divorce?

He constantly moans about the fact that he has to pay towards the mortgage from our joint back account without any ownership of the property. He often moans about the cost of raising my kids and how it costs much more than the child maintenance my ex husband pays. He moans about how much I spend (I am the main breadwinner). I do not live lavishly but literally every time I take the kids out anywhere that costs anything he will comment on it. I have not had a proper holiday with my kids in 5 years (we have been going camping or renting an air bnb with friends in the uk as he has been saying he doesn’t want to go on holiday with the kids he would rather just go with me and it would cost too much to do 2 holidays so either he and I have a holiday together or the kids and I do - I have ignored this and booked the above holidays for the kids and I every year anyway. He doesn’t come with us and will book a cottage in the uk for one week a year for him and me which I don’t enjoy as I am basically a cook on holiday he will just complain about having to eat out too much. Last year I told him I was booking an all inclusive in 2025 for the kids and I and he could come if he liked which he has agreed to - but I literally had to fight to get him to listen to what I wanted)

Financially I could manage without him as I work practically full time plus I get child maintenance from my ex.

Question is do I divorce him? And if I do what happens to my house? Shall I offer to pay him back whatever he has spent on my house so far just to make him more likely to leave without a fuss. I have asked him to move out and he has said no. He says he does not want a divorce, but I have so much anger, sadness and resentment about how the kids and I have been living in this bloody war zone for the last 5 years I cannot see any other way forward. Thank you so much for reading and any advice would be very gratefully received.

keep strong. Dont give an inch as he is looking for weakness.

It has to be pointed out and this mistake cannot be repeated.

I didn’t need to read it all.

Yes, you need to divorce.

It might not all be his fault (sounds like your ex has been stirring things and setting the kids against him) and this part: He is a negative, chronic complainer and doesn’t see the good in the world or in people in general. He is basically a miserable person. makes me wonder if he is depressed.

However, be all that as it may, things as they are now sound intolerable and you’d probably all be happier free of each other.

So glad he is leaving.

sorry just caught up.

Well done OP!

Good luck @BusyFinch . I wish you all the best. There's some horrible posts on here.

I’m so sorry OP, I had an increasingly unhappy marriage, with a violent (by him) ending. It’s so easy to say chuck him out, divorce him. I agree it’s the right thing to do, but at the time it seems daunting because you’ve been ground down by the constant bloody minded nastiness.
Believe me, it will end, and it’s just wonderful when it does. Go for it, it’s so worth it. 💐

I'd recommend using your solicitor to draw up a consent order, so he can't have any further claim on your finances after the divorce.

Stop using the joint account now, split the finances in it and get it closed.

You can apply for the divorce yourself online, it's very easy, you do need a copy of your marriage certificate (take a photo and upload is fine). No need to pay a solicitor to do this, it's admin and has purposefully been made simple.

No judgement from me - I stayed in a marriage for about 10 years after it should have ended. You don't jump into the pot of boiling water, it starts off tepid and the heat gradually increases until one day it's just too damn hot. Then you get out.

He doesn’t want your kids in his life, at all.
Where’s the good bits to your relationship??? I can’t see any in your post. I don’t think it’s your kids that are I’m the issue - it’s his approach to life and the complaining. It’s a shit attitude to everything and makes life a grind. Best of luck to you xx

My Jaw is rarely on the floor but WTAF!!! I have soooo many questions.

What attracted you to him, how did you meet?

Has he always been like this and you thought he would change or is this change recent. Your post suggests he was always like this.

How long were you with him before you decided to get married?

Did you live together before, if so how was he then?

Was it his idea to marry or yours?

What did he bring to the marriage: house, kids, financial security? Did he have to sell a property yo move in with you or...

-------------------

"He has no or next to no relationship with them despite the fact that he has been living under the same roof as them for last 5 years"

*Can you imagine how much damage this has caused?

**Does he come from a well to do family. Perhaps he thinks lowly of you and your children. If so, I wonder what attracted him to you or your position.

"this continues in a similar vein every hour of the day he is in the house with the kids."

**Your only thinking of leaving after your children have been subjected to this for years. I wonder if you have self esteem issues. He should be leaving if it's your house. NEVER leave your own home, especially with children.

"In the first years or our marriage I tried to get the kids to do things to his liking but a couple of weeks ago I could no longer stand his constant petty ridiculous nitpicking of my kids and told him if he didn’t lay off them we were getting divorced."

**THIS!!! Why did you make empty threats and didn't follow through. You more or less gave him permission to continue his behavior. What I can't understand is, having to make this (red flag) comment so early in the marriage. The warning signs must have been there before, yet you still married him. So he will now have a 50% claim on your assets if he has none.

"He was infuriated at her for talking back and literally physically removed her from the boot of my car - quite roughly too. I was shocked and have since been spending a lot of time considering leaving him."

**You should have acted there and hen and had your Childs back. Why only considering, what's stopping you? Was it an arranged marriage, or is there a reason you haven't TOLD HIM TO GO already?

"My daughter had told me previously that he gets really angry with her when I am not there eg about leaving her room messy and she feels he wants to hit her that is how furious he appears to her. He never has hit her, just been cross with her but it has clearly scared her."

**And still you hesitate. Your poor children. You do realise how much this will impact your children and all their relationships going forewords. The damage is done. It's not healthy to be in that environment but they have no choice.

"Do I divorce him?"

**You know you don't need to ask this question. You should have done this 5 years ago. Better late than never.

"The house is in my sole name but he’s been here for 5 years so presumably he would have some claim on it in the event of a divorce?"

**Perhaps that's what he was after. It's clear that there was no real love in this relationship.

He is a nightmare. You know it. We all know it.

You need to speak with a specialist divorce lawyer who can better advise you. Make sure they come highly recommended. Don't just pick anyone.

"Question is do I divorce him?"

** Absafrickinlutely!

"What happens to my house?"

**You may have to sell it to give him his legal share for marrying you.

"Shall I offer to pay him back whatever he has spent on my house so far just to make him more likely to leave without a fuss"

**BIG FAT NO!!! It will make NO difference legally. He can still claim on the house, even if you give him that and more. UNLESS you have a divorce lawyer who will draw up the correct watertight documents, that will stand up to a claim from him at a later date. DO NOT PAY HIM ANYTHING. You will only be throwing it away. Legally he can just say it was a gift and you lose that too. £££££
How would you prove it. Make sure you have legal guidance and don't make moves without it.

"I have asked him to move out and he has said no He says he does not want a divorce."

**Of course he doesn't want to leave. He's basically a Cock lodger.

Get advice ASAP. You have all suffered enough.
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I am so sorry you are in this situation.

I hope you will get on with your life without this massive drain on happiness. he sounds awful, for loads of reasons.

I hope you and the kids can heal from this awful situation.

Let the solicitor work out the practicalities.

Call social services and tell them he's emotionally abusing your children,they're frightened of him and you're scared he might physically hurt them especially as things have escalated as you've asked him to leave.

Go to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Tell him he needs to move his hobby shit into storage and move himself and his "office" into there as it's unfair and selfish that he has he's spread himself across the house like that;I'm betting you don't get as much space as him.

If the house is solely in your name he can't stop you putting it on the market;I understand you might not want to move but if you sell up and move then he has to go.

It sounds as though your house and larger salary are what he doesn't want to let go of rather than your marriage.

I wish you the best of luck.

Why on earth did you marry him? Leave. Just leave. Before you screw your dc up

Omg I think you need to think about an exact plan of leaving him. 1. Consult a lawyer on what divorce brings financially. 2. How can you practically ask him to leave the house. There’s no question about whether to divorce him or not because you clearly know the answer. it’s how.

The longer he is in the house the more of a claim he will have. Ffs get rid

Read first sentence. Yes; you divorce him.

Read Paragraph 7. Bastard!
Read Paragraphs 8 and 9: Miserable, abusive bastard!

Read last Paragraph. You get the police to move him out if he won't go. He's abusive to your kids.

Read your updates: Thank God!

You're doing so well, don't be afraid to ask for any help you need from the authorities and certainly don't feel guilty. As if we'd ever be with these men if they showed their true colours from the start!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · Yesterday 22:43

Why on earth did you marry him ?

That was my first thought, too.

BusyFinch

I'm glad to hear that you have managed to give him the boot, life will be so much better for you and your kids, from now on.

Good on you for putting your kids first. I have a relative whose husband was similar to her kids, their stepdad and she put him first. They left home as soon as they could and have nothing to do with her now. He has since left her.

Wow, must have been so much damage caused to your poor DC over FIVE YEARS?!

I used to do child protection visits. A red flag for me was the father-figure n the household who had his own space, special room, or "hobby room" as you call it. "He needs his space because he gets so stressed (he's angry, we need to appease him to stop ourselves feeling scared)" He is dominating your home, physically as well as emotionally.

Op can't undo the past
She's told him it's over he's got end of month to get out.
Some pp instead of kicking the woman when she's down try and offer a bit of empathy and support instead.

Very rarely do I comment on these threads. But never have I read a more clear argument for make him leave and divorce him. You deserve better, but most importantly your children don’t deserve to share a home with a borderline abusive man who doesn’t like them.

You need to start putting your children first. I don't understand why you married a man that didn't like your children and was refusing to build a positive relationship with them.

I get boiling-frog scenarios for why people stay in abusive relationships, but this doesn't sound like that. The problems were obvious from day one. You cared about your relationship with this man more than your relationship with your children. I'm glad you're finally thinking about making changes.

I think most people struggle to empathise with someone who has subjected their children to this for five years. It's not 'kicking someone while they're down', it's making sure they understand the repurcussions of their selfishishness upon the children, because irs already taken half a decade for them to do anything.

It’s not a short marriage at 5 years. Plus they also count any time cohabiting together.

As you’re married and he has a claim to half the house I’m not sure you could get an occupation order could you?