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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Moving away from co-parent

90 replies

Ffiffiffi · 24/04/2024 22:08

I split with my children's dad 5 yrs ago, and I met my current partner almost 4 years ago. I have got to the point in my relationship with him that I no longer want to feel like a 'single mum with a boyfriend' but I want to live together, get married and build our future together.
We currently live 20 miles/40 mins away from each other. When we live together I would like to move to the area he currently lives in, it's a nicer area, schools are better, he lives by the beach, he has family there (I don't have any local family) and I really see myself having a life where he is now. I only live in the area I do currently because of the kids dad, I don't like it.

I've mentioned it to the kids dad that it will be my future plan, and he has hit the absolute roof, saying that I am taking his kids away from him and it will have a huge detrimental effect on the relationship he has with them.
He is a good dad. Currently he has the children Mon night, Tues night & Friday one week and Mon and Fri night the next. Their school is right on his doorstep (primary) and he picks them up from school on the days he has them.

It would mean me changing their school, and more than likely would mean he wouldn't be seeing them in the week as much, it would be a 45/50 minute drive (25 miles) for him.

My partner and I have spoke about looking to buy a house this time next year when my daughter will be going into the last year of primary that September, to prep her for high school and her bro is 2 years behind (my partner also had 2 kids same ages)

I feel very torn. Part if me knows that I don't need to live my life in accordance to what their dad wants, it's my life (and actually a better life for the kids for above reasons but he won't see that) but also, I get it, he is very involved in their life now and it would have a huge effect on how often he sees them.

I think they would see him less as they went to high school anyways, so I'm thinking that every other weekend and maybe he could take them for tea every Wednesday or something. I would also meet half way or something. But he will say this is not enough. I do get it. And he tells me that I am being massively selfish, and I kind of am as it's the life that I want, but for myself, my kids, my partner and his kids too.

Just wondering anyone elses views on this. I'd like any one's input.
Cheers

OP posts:
LemonTT · 24/04/2024 22:14

I couldn’t vote go for it. But it is not about thinking of him it is about thinking about your children. Their relationship with their father is more important than you desire to be more than a girlfriend.

This is a selfish act.

oberst · 24/04/2024 22:15

He can actually stop you from moving if it went that far, by going to court.

If you were going to move and it wouldn't change anything for him/time he spends with children it wouldn't matter. But because it is, that is totally unfair.

oberst · 24/04/2024 22:17

You're also seeing this from 'his' POV. What about your children?

Singleandproud · 24/04/2024 22:19

You only have to stay put for less than decade so do that it will fly by for you, as an adult 8 or so years is nothing and then move. It would be different if he rarely saw them but he sounds very engaged and interrupting that relationship is not ok.

Tiswa · 24/04/2024 22:19

Yep he can and possibly will try and stop you and it is in your children’s interest to stay near their father rather than moving

NorthernGirlie · 24/04/2024 22:20

Why would it be a 25 mile drive for him? If you move you facilitate drop offs surely?

BoohooWoohoo · 24/04/2024 22:21

You say that you don’t have family in your current area but your children have their dad.

The relationship with their dad trumps your relationship with your bf imo. If he wasn’t involved then I’d say go for it but either your partner moves or you suck it up for longer.

Chattywatty · 24/04/2024 22:22

You need to stay. He’s an involved dad who has them a lot. It isn’t fair to do that to the kids when he has regular and proper time with them. Either get your partner to move to where you are or wait till your kids are older

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 24/04/2024 22:22

Well, it's tricky because he could go for 50/50 custody which, if he got would make the arrangement difficult for you both. I'm sorry but I don't think he should have to settle for seeing them less because of your plans.

Brainded · 24/04/2024 22:25

Why can’t your bf move to be with you?

thanKyouaIMee · 24/04/2024 22:26

Would you let your DC live with their dad and come to yours at weekends? Or can your BF move to your area?

That's a really long return journey if it's 40 mins each way, and if you move tbh aren't you meant to facilitate the travel?

To move the DC out of a school, away from their dad, change the contact schedule with their dad etc all for you to live with your boyfriend? Doesn't seem fair on the kids!

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/04/2024 22:27

He’d have to agree to the kids changing schools. Sounds like he won’t.

CuteCillian · 24/04/2024 22:29

Would you let your DC live with their dad and come to yours at weekends?
I think this a fair scenario since you are the one moving away.

cadburyegg · 24/04/2024 22:29

YABU and i'm guessing your children have no say in living with your partner and his children either.

AliceMcK · 24/04/2024 22:32

CuteCillian · 24/04/2024 22:29

Would you let your DC live with their dad and come to yours at weekends?
I think this a fair scenario since you are the one moving away.

3rd this 👆

Flopsythebunny · 24/04/2024 22:39

If you want to go and live with your boyfriend, leave the kids with their father and you see them every other weekend until they get to the age when they'd rather spend weekends with their friends than travel and stay with the npr.
They are his children just as much as yours and THEY deserve to maintain a close relationship with him.
To move away and reduce their contact with him because you want to bunk up with someone is selfish

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/04/2024 22:56

If the secondary schools are better maybe he could see it's in their best interest to be in that area, before they start secondary schools. Also, if he usually has them on Monday and Tuesday, then having them on weekends instead would be similar. If you had a spare room could you offer him to stay with you on 'his' night if you get on ok (and you and dp go out). Could you offer to reduce child maintenance to cover his increased petrol costs?

I know dad is very important but he doesn't do 50/50 and moving wouldn't need to change contact all that much it just means more driving.

What do your children think about the new area?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/04/2024 22:57

Flopsythebunny · 24/04/2024 22:39

If you want to go and live with your boyfriend, leave the kids with their father and you see them every other weekend until they get to the age when they'd rather spend weekends with their friends than travel and stay with the npr.
They are his children just as much as yours and THEY deserve to maintain a close relationship with him.
To move away and reduce their contact with him because you want to bunk up with someone is selfish

I don't think the dad is offering to have them full time. It doesn't seem like he's even wanted 50-50 so far.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/04/2024 22:58

Also, could you afford to stay in the same nice new area if you and your DP split up?

Newbabyenroute · 24/04/2024 23:02

Sounds tough, especially when you don't have a support network where you are currently for you.

Kindly, the kids do have that support network though in the form of their dad.

Ultimately, what's more important - your relationship with the boyfriend or the kids' relationship with their dad?

As PP have said, Courts can and do get involved in these sort of situations and don't often look kindly on any perception that you're actively harming the relationship between the kids and the other parent.

Could you wait a few years? Or could the BF move closer to you?

mimi7363 · 24/04/2024 23:02

I think an open honest and calm conversation with your ex is needed. See his POV, explain yours, and talk about both your expectations for the future.

beAsensible1 · 24/04/2024 23:02

Taking them from from seeing him weekly to 2 days every other week because you want to be nearer your partner isn’t ok.

you need to find a compromise, their relation with their father is as important as that with you.
could you do week on week off and they stay at the same school so you are the one doing the commute?

MrsJa · 24/04/2024 23:11

Op, I wonder if there is a compromise of a move halfway between both areas so the kids still have the same routine (with a bit of travel) and you get your life too?

I hear what others are saying but it's like your life is on hold otherwise and you should be happy too.

HeddaGarbled · 24/04/2024 23:23

Your current set up is ideal for the children of separated parents and will become even more so as they get older and become more independent. They’ll be able to come and go between their two homes as they choose, popping round sometimes, rather than always having to commit to longer stays, calling round to collect anything they’ve left there, or share news in person etc.

Bluestarling · 24/04/2024 23:31

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he was proposing to move your kids away from you?

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