Moving away from co-parent

[Ffiffiffi]

I split with my children's dad 5 yrs ago, and I met my current partner almost 4 years ago. I have got to the point in my relationship with him that I no longer want to feel like a 'single mum with a boyfriend' but I want to live together, get married and build our future together.
We currently live 20 miles/40 mins away from each other. When we live together I would like to move to the area he currently lives in, it's a nicer area, schools are better, he lives by the beach, he has family there (I don't have any local family) and I really see myself having a life where he is now. I only live in the area I do currently because of the kids dad, I don't like it.

I've mentioned it to the kids dad that it will be my future plan, and he has hit the absolute roof, saying that I am taking his kids away from him and it will have a huge detrimental effect on the relationship he has with them.
He is a good dad. Currently he has the children Mon night, Tues night & Friday one week and Mon and Fri night the next. Their school is right on his doorstep (primary) and he picks them up from school on the days he has them.

It would mean me changing their school, and more than likely would mean he wouldn't be seeing them in the week as much, it would be a 45/50 minute drive (25 miles) for him.

My partner and I have spoke about looking to buy a house this time next year when my daughter will be going into the last year of primary that September, to prep her for high school and her bro is 2 years behind (my partner also had 2 kids same ages)

I feel very torn. Part if me knows that I don't need to live my life in accordance to what their dad wants, it's my life (and actually a better life for the kids for above reasons but he won't see that) but also, I get it, he is very involved in their life now and it would have a huge effect on how often he sees them.

I think they would see him less as they went to high school anyways, so I'm thinking that every other weekend and maybe he could take them for tea every Wednesday or something. I would also meet half way or something. But he will say this is not enough. I do get it. And he tells me that I am being massively selfish, and I kind of am as it's the life that I want, but for myself, my kids, my partner and his kids too.

Just wondering anyone elses views on this. I'd like any one's input.
Cheers

You have an arrangement where he has all his time with the kids during the week, and pretty much no weekend time, to suddenly decide that you're moving away and making that untenable, I doubt that's going to work. He can take you to court, and would most likely win. I don't think this is going to really be an option with the kids at this age

How selfish are you!

Even your pole is stupid. It’s not thinking of him, it’s putting your kids first. They don’t need a new area and school, they need a stable environment and to see both parents as they are doing now.

The drive wouldn’t be longer for him, it’d be longer for both of you as you’d have to do it too (and should already be doing half the driving). Making your kids see their dad less to suit you and your boyfriend is not great parenting.

A 45 mins drive is not moving away 😂

If you really want to move, let their father have primary custody and you can be satisfied with EOW, the odd Wednesday dinner and never being easily able to get to the school.

your boyfriend can move to you.

I think the most telling part of your post is that not once have you mentioned how your children would feel about this move.

I'm not someone who thinks children should rule the roost but they are at ages where moving school, away from both their friends and father simultaneously is potentially a very big deal.

Given your ex seems to spend most of the week with them already the obvious solution if you want to be with your partner is for the children to spend most of the week with their father and you "suck up" the travel as you are the person wanting to move.

Your point about a better area and schools is however potentially valid but it's not a gotcha if the benefit is outweighed by the children not being consulted and on board with the idea.

Ultimately we are all technically free to move on after a relationship ends but as parents it's not that simple.

The 45 mins is not a big deal imho but the changeover of schools is as is your expectation that your ex should do the travelling - you move imho that's on you - is something you need to think about....plus the impact on you being able to co-parent effectively if you do this.

Based on your current set up I'd be surprised if he didn't go to court to stop you as he does a lot of the weekly childcare and could well argue that a school move is disruptive.

You are free to move. You don't have a right to just move the children though and if he fights it in court as he currently has 5 nights a fortnight and does school runs etc so major part of their day to say lives it's likely he'll be able to stop the kids moving and he should. This is about you and your BF, not your DCs needs. Unless the school near you is completely dire they don't benefit from a better school but losing the relationship with having their Dad nearby and in their life 5 days a fortnight. EOW is very different parenting to 5 day's a fortnight, it puts him on the periphery of their lives and no longer an involved parent. That's a really shitty thing to do to your kids.

I don’t see why you can’t just wait. You might not want to feel like a single mum with a boyfriend but you are disrupting your kids lives and taking them away from a loving and involved dad to move them into a potentially horrendous blended family situation with a bunch of strangers. If I was the dad I’d take you to court to stop you.

Me and my partner live 40 mins away from his sons mum. We still have him 50% of the time. The school run is horrendous as it's often a 1.5-2 hour round trip due to traffic. But we'd rather do that than drop how often we see him, or move to another town.

It's all about priorities. If your ex wants to see your kids, he'll make it work. We never used to have DP son overnight during the week, and all 3 of us hated that we could only see him for a few hours after school mid week and then full alternate weekends. We had a meeting with Mum and agreed on the current arrangement, and for the most part, it works well.

To add, we do all the pick ups and drop-offs because my DP ex has 3 other children under the age of 5, and the courts decided that's what we had to do.

I have been in court more than once where a judge has ordered mum who moved with kids to either return or give full custody to dad. I understand your reasons for wanting the move but your kids right to a decent relationship with their dad would be viewed as more important than your convenience.

When I met my late dp me & ds moved in with him 25 miles away like you but I kept ds in his school where we used to live, it was a 30 minute drive there & back but I was still working in old home City so I did drop off & pick up to & from work & exh picked up from school on his days. To be honest if I had moved to the other side of my home city, it could have taken more time travelling than it did living 25 miles away with mainly dual carriageway driving. My solicitor told me not to worry about exh trying to stop us moving as it wasn't like we were moving to the other end of the country & ds was still at his normal school.

I am another one wondering what your kids make of all this, including moving schools at this point.

Why can’t your partner move to you?

No, not fair.

It’s about the children which you haven’t mentioned once in your post. Your children deserve to see their father regularly. They also sound settled at school and I wouldn’t want to disrupt this.

Why would it be a 25 mile drive for him? If you move you facilitate drop offs surely?

It’s this.

Loads of fathers move away from their kids to chase a girlfriend or a job, you can too. But I don’t see why you should take the kids with you if their DF is staying put and already very involved. If weekends only is okay for him, why not for you?

You could consider moving and not disrupting their time with their father. Keep them in the same school and do the commute each day they’re with you. 25 mins each way is tiring but not necessarily unmanageable depending on work commitments and wrap around care.

This is not fair on him.

He would be entitled to go to court over arrangements for this. They usually find that the onus is on the parent who moves location to facilitate contact, so you would need to transport the DC to him for access.

What surprises me on thisnpost is that it’s abiut what you want and you don’t even mention what your kids might want.
I think kids need to be close with their dad especially when he is a good influence on them. And yes he has every right to want to be close to my his kids.

If you’re surprised that your ex has ‘hit the roof’ about this, you’re not looking at it from all angles, including the stability of what you have for your kids, which is the priority.

The main gist of your post is not wanting to feel like a single mum with a boyfriend.
That’s fine, you can still get married. Why not do it now, you’ve been together 4 years. You can be married and each live in different places for the sake of your respective kids.

If you moved to the beach area with your partner, do you really want to be a mum of four kids? It’s really different living in a blended family. At the moment you’re calling the shots with your ex. If you live together then you’re then taking into account you, your ex, your new husband, his ex, his family on big decisions. That’s a lot of compromise and potentially a lot more than you’re making now.

If you can’t stand the idea of staying put and want to live with your partner, you could alternatively do that and leave the kids with your ex and you become the non resident parent. However I can’t see what you gain from that- you’d be step mothering your partner/new husband kids presumably with them living there at least part of the time and then seeing your own kids less often? Your kids will feel very hurt.

What is the relationship between the two sets of kids like? That would be a huge factor too. How much do they see each other now? What experience of ‘living together’ times have the four kids had so far?

The more I think about it the more I feel your current partner could have been making more strides here towards being a responsible future stepdad or husband already. He seems very ok with you making a huge change for you and your kids without as much change or disadvantage for him, or his kids. He’s ok with you saying you’d move then look to get married and then get married and then buy a house?

What’s the risk here for you vs him? It’s very unequal. Weigh these options up very carefully while you still are a single mum with a boyfriend and her own place. You could already be in the best position possible. you have security and control now. This isn’t forever. When your kids are 18, you’re all a lot freer to do what you like.

How about you and new partner buy half way between your two houses now. Then all kids can stay in same routines as they are. When they’ve all left school you can move nearer the beach if that’s what you want

Living 45 minutes away is nothing if both
you and your ex drive. My 7yo travels that far to school each day. I was travelling an hour to school at secondary. Living 45 minutes away from a parent shouldn’t hinder the relationship at all.

You shoukd stay put

as the children turn into teens they are likely to want less rigid routine but the ability to be much more flexible in arrangements where they can just pop over etc, as well as not wanting to not be around school friends at weekends etc

it might not be far but the dynamic of relationships completely changes

i think it’s selfish

Since the dad has them every Friday night, I assume he also has them all day Saturday and then drops them back Sat night.

So Mon night, Tue night, Fri night and Sat one week, Mon night, Fri night and Sat the next week. If that’s the set up, it’s alternating three weeknights and two weeknights, and having one weekend day. So it’s not far off 50:50 in time with the kids, esp as he lives next door to the primary so will get fairly full evenings.