Moving away from co-parent

[Ffiffiffi]

I split with my children's dad 5 yrs ago, and I met my current partner almost 4 years ago. I have got to the point in my relationship with him that I no longer want to feel like a 'single mum with a boyfriend' but I want to live together, get married and build our future together.
We currently live 20 miles/40 mins away from each other. When we live together I would like to move to the area he currently lives in, it's a nicer area, schools are better, he lives by the beach, he has family there (I don't have any local family) and I really see myself having a life where he is now. I only live in the area I do currently because of the kids dad, I don't like it.

I've mentioned it to the kids dad that it will be my future plan, and he has hit the absolute roof, saying that I am taking his kids away from him and it will have a huge detrimental effect on the relationship he has with them.
He is a good dad. Currently he has the children Mon night, Tues night & Friday one week and Mon and Fri night the next. Their school is right on his doorstep (primary) and he picks them up from school on the days he has them.

It would mean me changing their school, and more than likely would mean he wouldn't be seeing them in the week as much, it would be a 45/50 minute drive (25 miles) for him.

My partner and I have spoke about looking to buy a house this time next year when my daughter will be going into the last year of primary that September, to prep her for high school and her bro is 2 years behind (my partner also had 2 kids same ages)

I feel very torn. Part if me knows that I don't need to live my life in accordance to what their dad wants, it's my life (and actually a better life for the kids for above reasons but he won't see that) but also, I get it, he is very involved in their life now and it would have a huge effect on how often he sees them.

I think they would see him less as they went to high school anyways, so I'm thinking that every other weekend and maybe he could take them for tea every Wednesday or something. I would also meet half way or something. But he will say this is not enough. I do get it. And he tells me that I am being massively selfish, and I kind of am as it's the life that I want, but for myself, my kids, my partner and his kids too.

Just wondering anyone elses views on this. I'd like any one's input.
Cheers

Your children's relationship with their father is far more important than you wanting to live with your new partner. Especially since you say he's a great dad and is very involved with his kids. I think it would be extremely selfish to move them away from him.

Would you consider allowing him to be the main carer for the children then you could move to live with your partner and have the kids EOWE?

If you wanted to continue being the resident parent but prioritize your boyfriend and moving you would need to stick to the current status quo. So move but keep them in their current school and travel every day to school, facilitate Dad's contact times as you are the one that moved by driving them to him. Other options are staying where you are until the kids finish school or become a weekend and holidays Mum.

I couldn't uproot my children to live with a partner.. could the father not become the resident parent?

I completely understand and relate to wanting to live with your partner.

But I really think this will be a negative change for your dc. Mine are almost teenagers and could if they wanted walk between me and their dad. They haven't yet but I anticipate soon they'll choose where they want to be, depending on what they're doing that day/evening etc.

I think it's a huge advantage for them and the least we can do, having already made them live in two different homes. Your needs are important too, but even purely from your point of view, I think life will be better if you stay nearer their dad.

I'm just a little confused on the distance. You currently live 20 miles apart and you wanna move to 25 miles apart? I don't see how that's much difference? Are you currently driving 40 minutes to and from school every day with the kids so their school can be close to him?

Sure, move if you want, but leave the kids in the school they are settled in. Either you do a lot more travel (and yes it's you that will need to do it as you moved) or the children move in with him and you have them every other weekend and pop up for dinner in a Wednesday? After all, it's good enough for him right?

It’s very easy when they’re 7. It changes when they’re teens. My stepson lived 35 mins away and it was really hard work from 12-18 when he wanted to do after school activities with his friends, D of E, parties, prize giving, nights out with friends etc. As they grow up and get more of their own life it feels like you’re driving back and forward more than just school drop offs etc. and it’s not great for the child not being able to have an easy social life. Even though we tried hard, I think the distance really affected my stepson.

So I think the OP is only thinking about herself here. The
move will affect her ex a lot and the children’s relationship with their step siblings. Secondary school time flies by and they’ll be off to college/uni. Then you get your own life back)

OP can you compromise by seeing your partner more often, making plans for the more distant future like, doing more 'coupley' things, perhaps get engaged 😀so it doesn't feel quite so hard not living with him for a few years?

I really do understand the instinct to be together.

OP lives 20 miles/40 mins from her boyfriend

If she moves in with boyfriend, they will be 25 miles/45 mins from her ex.

Presumably therefore, OP is currently a 5-10 min drive for her ex.

It’s right there in the second paragraph.

they stayed in their crap town schools and we drove in on my weeks with them.

I think you have to honestly assess what is best for your children and do that. Their childhood will fly by, then you will be free to do what is best for you. My parents split when I was 9, my Mum had boyfriends and a social life, but this was kept separate from her being a Mum to us. I am eternally grateful she didn't foist a step dad on us.

No one here thinks moving your kids from their involved dad and their school is a good idea.
Incredibly selfish on your part and if it went to court your ex would win .

OMG are you my OH’s ex but changed a few details slightly so as not to be recognised? I really hope you are and you are reading these replies because my OH is completely gutted. We don’t live together despite being together for nearly 6 years and bought a house near the kids’ school to facilitate him seeing them. And you go and do this!

How would you feel if he decided to move the kids 20miles away so he could feel settled with a partner.
You are coparents and he has as much right as you in where and how your children grow up.
You can't expect him to be ok with a move that is detrimental to his time and relationship with his children and puts alot more traveling to him being available for them.
I think you are being very selfish.

Whenever this Conversations come up, I don't get why it is never considered that the dad could also move. He could look into finding a Job near his ex wife's new location. She put her life on hold for all of the early years, why does no one in the chat think maybe he could from the time from pre teen to young adult? 8 years are Nothing in an adults life. He could rent his house as an Airbnb and can come back when the kids are grown up.
I wouldn't vote bloddy go for it bc those things always need consideration and I think it is very important to start thinking about a dad moving as an Option as well.