Moving away from co-parent

[Ffiffiffi]

I split with my children's dad 5 yrs ago, and I met my current partner almost 4 years ago. I have got to the point in my relationship with him that I no longer want to feel like a 'single mum with a boyfriend' but I want to live together, get married and build our future together.
We currently live 20 miles/40 mins away from each other. When we live together I would like to move to the area he currently lives in, it's a nicer area, schools are better, he lives by the beach, he has family there (I don't have any local family) and I really see myself having a life where he is now. I only live in the area I do currently because of the kids dad, I don't like it.

I've mentioned it to the kids dad that it will be my future plan, and he has hit the absolute roof, saying that I am taking his kids away from him and it will have a huge detrimental effect on the relationship he has with them.
He is a good dad. Currently he has the children Mon night, Tues night & Friday one week and Mon and Fri night the next. Their school is right on his doorstep (primary) and he picks them up from school on the days he has them.

It would mean me changing their school, and more than likely would mean he wouldn't be seeing them in the week as much, it would be a 45/50 minute drive (25 miles) for him.

My partner and I have spoke about looking to buy a house this time next year when my daughter will be going into the last year of primary that September, to prep her for high school and her bro is 2 years behind (my partner also had 2 kids same ages)

I feel very torn. Part if me knows that I don't need to live my life in accordance to what their dad wants, it's my life (and actually a better life for the kids for above reasons but he won't see that) but also, I get it, he is very involved in their life now and it would have a huge effect on how often he sees them.

I think they would see him less as they went to high school anyways, so I'm thinking that every other weekend and maybe he could take them for tea every Wednesday or something. I would also meet half way or something. But he will say this is not enough. I do get it. And he tells me that I am being massively selfish, and I kind of am as it's the life that I want, but for myself, my kids, my partner and his kids too.

Just wondering anyone elses views on this. I'd like any one's input.
Cheers

If you move, it is on you to shoulder most of the adjustments such as driving for drop offs etc. You are the one changing the arrangements.

I'm also slightly raising my eyebrows at your boyfriend who doesn't seem to be discouraging this. If he has your children's best interests at heart, he'd understand that their relationship with their dad is a primary relationship and he'd not be dangling the carrot of his hometown in front of you, but be content to put their needs front and centre of his life with you until they're older. That comes with the territory of going into a romantic partnership with a man or woman who is a parent.

Sorry, I know it's hard, but you're only thinking of yourself; you need to think about the impact on your DC relationship with their Dad, and your plan would impact that negatively.

Your DC Dad also does a decent amount of looking after them, which would all disappear if you moved. Personally, I couldn't do it to my DC, and wouldn't go ahead with this plan of if I were you.

OP, if your exH turned round to you now and said, “I’ll have the kids all week, since I live next to the school, you can pop by on Wednesdays and take them for tea, and then have them EOW.” would you think, “yes, great, seems fair!” or would you think, “get lost, buster!”

How about you and new partner buy half way between your two houses now. Then all kids can stay in same routines as they are. When they’ve all left school you can move nearer the beach if that’s what you want

This sounds like a good compromise to me. Can you look for an area you both like in-between? Then each set of kids only has 20 minutes drive to previous area/other parent. It won't be long before they can hop on a bus to go there.

My friend was in a similar situation, wanted to move 25 miles away. The dad took it to court and court awarded him custody. It meant he was separated from his 2 younger sisters who remained with their mum. Be careful how you proceed.

Also, your voting options are skewed toward meeting only your needs or your children's dad's needs. There's no option for putting your DC first. Maybe 'You need to think of them too, as opposed to just him, would give a clearer indication of people's reflections on your dilemma.

I haven't read all the replies, so this may have been covered. But if you were to end up in the court arena around contact as the parent who moved away you would be expected to do the transporting of the children for contact - whatever that looked like. So I would just bear that in mind!

I don't know why he is raising a fuss when he barely sees them as it is

What do you mean by “barely”? He has them 5/14 nights (7/14 would be 50:50) and presumably some or all of every Saturday.

It can’t be assumed there are frequent buses to hop on in two different directions

I think you’re being selfish, the proposed move is for your benefit and you seem to have convinced yourself it will be better for the children too. They currently have a dad who is actively involved, does school runs when he has them and the children get to see both parents often. What you propose reduces the time with their dad to eow and one evening a week for tea. I’m not surprised your ex is angry. What you want to do is not putting the children first and I’m baffled you are even considering it.

Have you considered staying where you are and buying a smaller place with your DP, then you travel there on the days that your ex has the kids?

Essentially, you have a hands-on father who is regularly involved with his children's life and you're looking at taking that away from them so you can live with your boyfriend.

Do your kids even want to live with your boyfriend?

I think you're being selfish too; sorry.

This is why my partner and I still live 80 miles apart after ten years - we have children in both locations and it's not in the best interests of the children for one of us to move/both of us move.

You have to suck it up for a while.

Sarcasm or major comprehension failure? OP herself says he's a good Dad and has them 5 nights a fortnight plus looks like every Saturday. OP in her own words sees herself having a life in BFs town, wants to live with her BF and besides a comment on school and area has given zero thought to her DC, but sure the man's raising a fuss because he doesn't want to go from involved Dad to EOW.

I moved to a city 40mins away from my kids dad. Not for a new relationship but because I hated living in such crap town, had no family and very few friends there and after ex and I split wanted to go somewhere better.

We had the kids 50/50 but did a week on/week off. I kept my job in crap town and when it was my week with the kids I drove us all in to work/school. Could do it in 35 mins on a good run so although my fuel bill was high it was manageable.

exh NEVER did any of the driving but I suck that up because it was my choice to move.

it worked ok, unconventional maybe but i really don’t want to live in crap town for another 10 years and I have zero regrets.

It's 20 miles.
Hardly that far away. It's 25 minutes in the car for goodness sake. I'd move.
Better area and schools better lifestyle during all of you.

Go for it

If you do it, you have to find a way to make sure 50:50 continues and works. The onus is on you to offer solutions and assure your ex that you are not going to cut him out. Saying that isn't your plan isn't enough. I'm sure that's your intention but as life moves on and the inconvenience of the travel starts to wear you down, he will be thinking that his contact may begin to slip and that eventually he will be left behind. If it is a genuine 50:50 arrangement, you may also have some difficulty changing their school without his consent.

25 minutes away might be OK now but what about when the children become teenagers. Can they easily access there own social lives in both areas? Normally as they get older strict rotas change as they begin to lead their own lives, then 25 mins becomes a long distance.

How did that work with school?

I'd worry about how the dynamics of your new relationship may change if you went through with this. Being a girlfriend visiting him once or twice a week while the kids are at their dad's, is going to feel very different to suddenly being under the same roof 24/7 with 4 kids in the mix alot of the time. Think about what would happen if actually this arrangement didn't work out, would you then have to stay in the new area as the children are settled at new schools there, and live somewhere not only you don't have local family/support, but now your children don't have their dad close by to support them. I can completely see why your ex isn't happy with this proposition. You're wanting to reduce the time he gets with his kids to move somewhere with a new partner. He's not going to be interested in your future relationship. He wants to be there for his kids, being able to spend quality time with them as they mature, and may want to come and go, pop in to see dad etc, not be restricted to a strict schedule due to distance, as once the kids hit teens it's likely he then won't see them as much, as it will involve a whole load of logistics and ferrying to and fro, when they may just want to pop in and say hi for an hour.

Is it worth planning for high school, so that if you want to move you move before your DC yr6 but keep the same school (onus is on you to do the commute, no change for dadp) but look at where the secondaries are and evaluate what the preferred secondary is. Then you would have lived together for a year and would probably be able to tell if it is going to work out more long-term before changing any schools??

You haven't once mentioned what your children want. Year 6 is a difficult age to move, and the only reason to do it is because you want to.
This all seems to be because you want to, you see yourself there, you don't have any family where you are now.
It's not about you now, it can be about you in 10 years time when the kids are adults. Move to the seaside then!

So selfish to move settled kids from their school and parent. Either stay where you are or let him have the kids.

She clearly said it’s 45-50minutes in a car.

Deeply unfair. He has rights and you would without a shadow of a doubt be removing him from their lives in a big way. That's no good for your children and no 'beach or boyfriend's family nearby' will change that. And just so you know I'm currently going through a seperation and I feel for you. It's really hard. But please make the right decision for your children.