Would you divorce if it meant losing your family's money?

[HouseRen]

I put in 250k deposit on our house. This was possible from family's inheritance. V fortunate I know.

There is no big drama. DH is loyal and committed, but he's also mean to me, v insecure, and I do not enjoy his company that much anymore. We have young kids.

He is in and out of work for MH reasons. I have worked hard and earn quite well. He earns v little

Deposit not ring fenced. Never was advised I could do that by solicitor though apparently once you've had kids it doesn't matter. He could walk away with a very big % of that deposit money which my family still see as theirs. The fall out would be huge.

If it was my money I'd do it.

What would you do it?

Leave. Money isn’t worth your happiness

Ot sure why your family ‘see it as theirs’. Its yours.

Anyway, life is too short. Leave.

You'll still come out with £125k.
You have the better job.
Leave.
Have a life.

Divorce now.

The sooner you leave the more of your assets you'll successfully retain.

Get a GOOD lawyer and cut him lose asap.
You may well keep dome or all of the deposit depending on the specifics.

Edit: If you family want to rage at you over money when you are at your very lowest ebb going through one of the most stressful life situations most people face.... they / their general treatment of you may well have beem a factor in your (poor?) choice of life partner

I’d probably exercise more power in my relationship first.
We tend to compromise and facilitate, when we should just stubbornly do our own thing.

stop trying to make him happy as a general outlook on life. Start doing things the way it makes you happy. Then reconsider. You don’t need his permission to be happier without divorcing.

I gave him half.

I have a much smaller house and a much bigger enjoyment of life.

My mum always preferred my happiness over all else, so she'd have applauded my decision.

I'd leave, a lifetime of unhappiness is not worth any amount.

Speak your a solicitor (a good one this time) and find out what you're likely to be entitled to. Do you work, how long have you been married , do you have children? The starting point is always 50/50 but the length of your marriage is important as are your individual needs and earning potential .

Would you do 50/50?
It’s the dc that would have stopped me. He couldn’t have managed them.

It isn't your original family's, it is now part of the family you have with your H. Make your decision based on that.

Just because the money came from your past doesn't mean your past owns it.

Sadly he will take the money regardless, and if he realises you are concerned, will be worse about everything

My BIL even took my sisters beloved dinner service, that he didn’t give a toss about, and had left lovely items himself in another country ( although he may have given them to his secret girlfriend, now wife) when working abroad, with no care for her.

Leave and make a happy life for yourself, and I say this after being married for many years.

Oh well, he could use the money to buy a second home for your kids to live in when they're with him. Divorce if you are unhappy and dont think it'll change x

The longer you stay the more entitlement he’s building

this happens the other way round all the time.

its part of the marital pot so he’s due a share. Whether that’s 50% ( or more or less) will depend on multiple factors - but the longer you are married the greater the claim

My mum knew early on that she wanted to leave my dad but she stayed as she didn’t want to give up her contribution to the house deposit. We had a miserable childhood because of this. Leave.

@millymollymoomoo but the other way round is because the woman has stopped or reduced work to care for kids. Our kids have been in full time childcare since babies and I do all the rest of it. I know that probably won't count for anything. But he hasn't sacrificed career for kids so does feel unfair.

Is he getting any support/medication for his MH?
In what way is he mean to you?
Have you tried couples counselling etc? Perhaps try working on your relationship first and if it doesn't improve when he is getting good support then time to move on.
Most importantly you don't say if you love him anymore, do you just not like how he is right now and is it his MH that's causing this because it's hard but can improve.
Sadly deposit yes you'll lose money and all things 50/50.

If he uses the money to house your shared kids then surely that's good for them?

You've already had insane financial fortune, put your happiness forward and walk away

There are no huge fights. He doesn't drink or lie or see other women. But there is no communication

For example in the mornings I get myself ready and all the kids ready. He just gets himself ready. I have asked for help in the mornings and it just causes sulking and grumpiness and lots of eye rolling. Same reaction for anything really. He only does his own washing, has his own food etc.

I just cannot imagine telling my family he's going to walk away with 100 - 200k depending. I don't know how he'd buy a place round here unless he basically gets given every penny of that deposit

@Pinklanternspiral yes. Thank for sharing that. Would you have been happier with 2 homes?

I seriously cannot believe that your family would want you to live unhappily for the sake of the money. I’m saving to give my kids an inheritance- thinking that a bit of money will give them options and freedom. I’d be horrified if it led to them feeling trapped for the money’s sake

Think of it this way- either way he’s getting the benefit of half the money, whether that’s by living in the house you paid for or in a settlement. So why not pick the way that also doesn’t leave you miserable?

When you marry you effectively sign a contract to share your assets on divorce. The starting point for that split is generally 50/50.

It can feel (is) incredibly unfair when you are the one has provided the assets through hardwork and/or inheritance and the other has contributed only debts, no share of the household work and kids and thrown in an affair and abuse for good measure. However, that is the nature of marriage and once married you can only do damage limitation and either divorce earlier or stay married.

Sorry not to provide a more positive outlook, but I wouldn't think there has been a single divorce where the higher financial contributor doesn't feel this is harsh.

Depending on how long you have been married, courts can decide that a large deposit such as that isn't split 50/50. You would need to ensure he can be adequately housed but that's potentially all for shorter marriages

If you've tried counselling, getting him to change and actually do something then leave. No amount of money is worth destroying your life for. You can earn more money. You can win the premium bonds. You can marry a nice millionaire second time around. You can't get that time back for you or your kids.

The longer you stay the worse it’ll get. You only get one life.

Everyone should be forced to have a two hour meeting with a family lawyer before they get married with the financial implications fully spelt out. Many families set up trusts to avoid the unfortunate situation you have found yourself in.

How long have you been married?
Did you inherit the money before or after the marriage?
Is the home in both your names?
Was it bought before the marriage?

All these answers will have a bearing on settlement figures

Also its 'earning potential' that would be taken into consideration concerning a larger or smaller % (along with other factors), and how often he'd have the dc. He needs to be able to house himself etc.

Your best bet is to have a conversation with a solicitor and discuss your options .

But I agree, it's not fair when it feels
Like he's taking your family money and has lived off you for years when making no contribution to family life.