Page 5 | Would you divorce if it meant losing your family's money?

HouseRen · 2024-03-13T07:36:18+00:00

I put in 250k deposit on our house. This was possible from family's inheritance. V fortunate I know. There is no big drama. DH is loyal and committed, but he's also mean to me, v insecure, and I do not enjoy his company that much anymore. We have young kids. He is in and out of work for MH reasons. I have worked hard and earn quite well. He earns v little Deposit not ring fenced. Never was advised I could do that by solicitor though apparently once you've had kids it doesn't matter. He could walk away with a very big % of that deposit money which my family still see as theirs. The fall out would be huge. If it was my money I'd do it. What would you do it?

hangingonfordearlife1 · 14/03/2024 12:01

if you inherited what's it got to do with rest of family?

BruFord · 14/03/2024 12:56

Rosemarymary · 14/03/2024 07:11

Is he likely to want the kids 50/50? Sounds like he won’t if he doesn’t look after them now. If not and they are with you as the main carer then you have greater housing needs. His earning capacity is debatable with the MH but if he has qualifications and could support himself you may be able to argue for more of the equity share. If he would fight you over the deposit it will cost £1000s in court/lawyers fees but if you get a good one you might get to keep more of it as they’ll have to go into all the circumstances. Would be better to come to a reasonable agreement between you and my advice would be get the ball rolling quickly and try and maintain a cordial relationship.

I’m thinking the same @Rosemarymary . He sounds too self-centered to really want the children 50/50 as that would require him to actually look after them! The OP will almost certain have greater housing needs.

whatsitcalledwhen · 14/03/2024 13:05

It's a huge amount of money so I'm not minimising that, but assuming you have (for example) 40 more years of life to live, that £125k amounts to just over £3k a year 'happy tax' to have the chance of being a much happier person and your kids having a much happier mum. And them not living under the same roof as an unhealthy, unhappy relationship dynamic they're more likely to replicate the longer you stay.

If your family would rather you arbitrarily kept the £125k in the pot then I would be considering whether they have your best interests at heart.

My daughter (and future grandkids) being happy is worth far more than £3k a year.

Pay the happy tax

Original poster

HouseRen · 14/03/2024 16:33

You lot talk a lot of sense. Its been v helpful reframing it like you all have.

I know my family are of the mindset of you stick with a marriage and be stoic. So that attitude plus the money will be a lot for my DM to accept. But its my life

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Buber · 14/03/2024 16:51

Have you tried talking to your DM about it all? People are sometimes more reasonable when things actually happen than they are in principle.

But if you’ve tried and she hasn’t been supportive then you should ignore her. You need to make the decision, not her.

whatsitcalledwhen · 14/03/2024 17:10

HouseRen · 14/03/2024 16:33

You lot talk a lot of sense. Its been v helpful reframing it like you all have.

I know my family are of the mindset of you stick with a marriage and be stoic. So that attitude plus the money will be a lot for my DM to accept. But its my life

I'm glad people have helped you think differently.

And this is about priorities, too. Do you want to prioritise your children's lifelong happiness (which will be hugely impacted by living under the same roof as an unhealthy, unhappy relationship dynamic) or the happiness of your family who view money and marriage in quite a cold way?

Your children must come first, not relatives who may be (very oddly in my opinion) disappointed to feel the family has 'lost' money.

LittleGreenDragons · 14/03/2024 21:36

but assuming you have (for example) 40 more years of life to live, that £125k amounts to just over £3k a year 'happy tax' to have the chance of being a much happier person
@whatsitcalledwhen - I love this! What a lovely phrase, happy tax.

Mumof3confused · 18/03/2024 04:14

I’m in a similar boat as you, put £££’s in to the family home and married a lazy man. I’ve had to come to terms with splitting it equally.

How long were you together before marriage? 5 years is not a long marriage but your whole relationship (living together I think) counts.

Would he have the kids 50:50? That’s relevant too.

Hit income potential is the same as yours but he can play the MH card. He would have to get that reported by a medical professional though - ideally an independent one.

Original poster

HouseRen · 18/03/2024 21:55

Hey @Mumof3confused what stage are you at? Are you splitting up?

Together for 5. living together for 6.5. Dating for a year before that.

I should have left him so many times. There was one time on a trip to see his parents where he was such a nasty, nasty man. I was pregnant. I wish so much I had driven away like I tried to but he cried, and I just let him persuade me to stay.

He's just shouted at me for 30 mins about mess in the house. Telling me he's trying to 'help me get things sorted'.

MH - he has been to the doctors actually recently - no diagnosis but he's gone to the GP & they've suggested medication for anxiety and CBT. He needs to go back to take it forward - which he won't for months and months - as took him 2 years for the 1st appointment.

what do you mean independent professional? just the nhs right?

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Original poster

HouseRen · 18/03/2024 22:17

I think he might want the kids 5050. My heart breaks at the thought. I feel impossibly trapped. My dc are so young. I can't bear the thought of not being with them for 50% of their lives. But I hate living with him so much. Both option feels unbearable.

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Soreeno · 18/03/2024 22:26

The way I would view it in this situation is that he is effectively loaning the money until he dies and then your kids will get it if he has any sense. Obviously care costs could hinder that but they could if you were married still too.

Mumof3confused · 18/03/2024 23:17

@Soreeno not if he remarries. But yes I’ve reconciled it as providing a suitable home for my children to live in with him.

@HouseRen I separated 2 years ago and still in the trenches trying to sort out finances via the courts. Generally if it goes you court you can’t just make a statement ie ‘I can’t work due to poor mental health’. You would be expected to appoint (and pay for) a private expert to report on his mental health and ability to work. That’s if he claims he needs more equity because he can’t support himself due to his MH.

Anameisaname · 19/03/2024 06:56

HouseRen · 18/03/2024 21:55

Hey @Mumof3confused what stage are you at? Are you splitting up?

Together for 5. living together for 6.5. Dating for a year before that.

I should have left him so many times. There was one time on a trip to see his parents where he was such a nasty, nasty man. I was pregnant. I wish so much I had driven away like I tried to but he cried, and I just let him persuade me to stay.

He's just shouted at me for 30 mins about mess in the house. Telling me he's trying to 'help me get things sorted'.

MH - he has been to the doctors actually recently - no diagnosis but he's gone to the GP & they've suggested medication for anxiety and CBT. He needs to go back to take it forward - which he won't for months and months - as took him 2 years for the 1st appointment.

what do you mean independent professional? just the nhs right?

If he has no formal diagnosis then the MH aspect won't be included as the reason why he can't work and he will be expected to find a job.
Don't panic about 50 50 right now. First of all, does he really want to.have them 50pc of the time? That will be hard work and logistically challenging for him without wrap around childcare etc if he's working. It's not for you to pay for this btw, you pay for your side only.
If you agree not to ask for maintenance from.him he may be more amenable for less contact.
In any case, if it does come to 50 50. I live very near my ex, the kids drop over at least once a week when they are at his (usually because they've forgotten something or to tell me some news) and it was hard in the beginning of course but we are all used to it now and it does work

Original poster

HouseRen · 19/03/2024 10:24

@Anameisaname unfortunately he isn't working much, part-time. he will have to work longer hours of course post split but I work full time. I think a court would think 5050 was right for us. His MH is an issue. Geniunely. I mean that from the perspective of him having the kids 5050 - I would be v worried about what the impact on them and whether he would cope. But I think he would want them. He doesn't go out, doesn't have many friends, doesn't drink and doesn't work v much. He is at home a lot. But he is also unpredictable and difficult. And they are attached to me.

I don't know how he would pay for childcare plus rent/mortgage and bills.

If I could snap my fingers and make a wish - it would be that I could give him a big chunk of equity from the house - enough for him to rent somewhere nice nearby, he can keep his pension, pay me no CMS, he goes back to wok full time, kids have the routine during the week with me but he lives close and he takes them for trips, overnights, weekends and do so in a way that puts the kids first - so if one of them wants to go, great, the other can stay but we listen to them and they see both of us but they do have one main house/routine. And we co-parent in a healthy way

But what is more likely to happen is he goes totally and utterly ballistic, shouts and screams in front of the kids, tries to take as much £ as possible, demands 5050 or even argues he is primary care giver, we spend months/years arguing, his MH crashes & when he takes kids he shouts at them/ignores them, we end up in tiny houses and the kids are ferried from one house to another while we argue about every hour/every trip/everything!

And we fuck the kids up forever.

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moderate · 19/03/2024 10:30

HouseRen · 19/03/2024 10:24

@Anameisaname unfortunately he isn't working much, part-time. he will have to work longer hours of course post split but I work full time. I think a court would think 5050 was right for us. His MH is an issue. Geniunely. I mean that from the perspective of him having the kids 5050 - I would be v worried about what the impact on them and whether he would cope. But I think he would want them. He doesn't go out, doesn't have many friends, doesn't drink and doesn't work v much. He is at home a lot. But he is also unpredictable and difficult. And they are attached to me.

I don't know how he would pay for childcare plus rent/mortgage and bills.

If I could snap my fingers and make a wish - it would be that I could give him a big chunk of equity from the house - enough for him to rent somewhere nice nearby, he can keep his pension, pay me no CMS, he goes back to wok full time, kids have the routine during the week with me but he lives close and he takes them for trips, overnights, weekends and do so in a way that puts the kids first - so if one of them wants to go, great, the other can stay but we listen to them and they see both of us but they do have one main house/routine. And we co-parent in a healthy way

But what is more likely to happen is he goes totally and utterly ballistic, shouts and screams in front of the kids, tries to take as much £ as possible, demands 5050 or even argues he is primary care giver, we spend months/years arguing, his MH crashes & when he takes kids he shouts at them/ignores them, we end up in tiny houses and the kids are ferried from one house to another while we argue about every hour/every trip/everything!

And we fuck the kids up forever.

You described him in your OP as being mean to you. Sounds like that’s going to happen either way.

So what example do you want to set your children?

that you put up with this
that you don’t put up with this

Anameisaname · 19/03/2024 12:17

I hear you. It's so hard and you worry so much about the kids.

There's a scenario where it does work though. He gets a kick up rhe backside as he can't sponge off you any more. He realises the load you've been carrying. He doesn't fight custody and actually is reasonable and the kids are OK.

Either way, I'd say you can also involve Cafcass and get them to opine on his parenting too. You don't have to figure it all out on your own

Daffnee · 19/03/2024 13:50

Have you raised the possibility of a split with him? What was his reaction if so?

Original poster

HouseRen · 19/03/2024 14:06

No, marriage counselling a few times @Daffnee but never goes anywhere. He seems a pretty low opinion of me so he might not be all that sad! He is convinced I'm "ruining things" because of my hormones/midlife crisis/lost my mind.

Yes @moderate I would say that is a big motivator for me. I can see patterns from my own childhood and stuff being mirrored by my siblings in their relationships too. I'm surrounded by difficult & angry men - my dad, my brother, my husband, my past boyfriends. Every man in my life has taken stuff out on the women around them. I would hate for my sons to be the same.

@Anameisaname I know I'm doing worst case scenario and maybe it won't be that bad. It seems unbelievable to me that he would put the kids first but maybe he'll surprise me!

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