Would you divorce if it meant losing your family's money?

[HouseRen]

I put in 250k deposit on our house. This was possible from family's inheritance. V fortunate I know.

There is no big drama. DH is loyal and committed, but he's also mean to me, v insecure, and I do not enjoy his company that much anymore. We have young kids.

He is in and out of work for MH reasons. I have worked hard and earn quite well. He earns v little

Deposit not ring fenced. Never was advised I could do that by solicitor though apparently once you've had kids it doesn't matter. He could walk away with a very big % of that deposit money which my family still see as theirs. The fall out would be huge.

If it was my money I'd do it.

What would you do it?

Leave. Don't set such a miserable example of a marriage to your dcs.

You are married with children. He is entitled to half and will need it to provide suitable accommodation for your dcs when with him.

If your family care more about money than they do about your happiness, they shouldn't have given you the money in the first place.

Your family must have known there was a reasonable chance of eventual divorce when giving you the house deposit. If they were that serious about keeping the wealth in the family they could have done tenants in common or some arrangement like that. Or provided you with legal support to protect it the deposit.

Life is uncertain and it’s not on you to sacrifice yourself. If you had died before your DH, it would have all gone to him anyway and he could have remarried, then died, passing the wealth on to his new wife and her kids!

Good luck and hope you find your way through.

This man does not even sound like he wants to be part of this family if he only does things for himself.

Money isn't everything. Leave now, and you will live a much happier life without him dragging you down.

Tell your family to STFU. It is your money. You were given it. It belongs to you, not your family. I'd divorce because that's what you want to do. Your family aren't married to him, they don't get a say in the marriage/divorce and shouldn't be expecting you to remain married to someone who treats you badly (which is what being mean to you is) just so that inherited wealth can continue to be passed on. What is the point of this inherited wealth if nobody is allowed to spend it?! One day someone would spend it. Why not you, now, on the divorce?

Not in a dissimilar position myself. I had been with a self serving, weed & porn addict for 16yrs and we have 3 children together.
4 years ago my father (mother has dementia) gifted us £100K to buy our next home which we accepted. I never even thought to do a deed of trust. Ex sorted all the paperwork.
I was very lonely in the relationship and over the last couple of years did a lot of the looking after of my parents (evening meals 6x per week, appointments etc.) + kids as I worked part-time to wrap around school care.
My father doesn't accept the separation because in his words "you've not been black and blue" but the domestic abuse has been awful.
Be prepared for a rough ride but stay true to yourself.
I'm still a fight / flight mode but honestly f*ck the money.
Anything is better than feeling unloved & unappreciated and you can be the one to show your kids that how your husband has been acting is by no way how you want them to grow up and behave themselves.

At the moment you're throwing good money after bad OP. Every year you stay together he's benefiting more and more from your hard work and higher earnings. Cut your losses now. You don't need to tell your family the details of the financial settlement.

OP if you were my DD I’d say “fuck the money, if it takes 100k to get rid of that lazy millstone around your neck it’s money well spent”.

Leave.
I did and I lost everything I'd worked for.
But I'd rather have been living in a shelter wearing rags than put up with that shit any longer.

Best decision I ever made. I got my life back, and that's worth more than money.

Admittedly I am not legally qualified, but I sincerely doubt any court would make you give him more than 50%.

I don’t think the family have said anything.

Also don’t beat yourself up here. My dad gave my sister a substantial sum towards her house purchase. He made sure she got legal advice and ring fenced it in case of future divorce. So your family could have thought of that too if they still consider it their money.
also would they even need to know the details of your settlement?

The money was given to you so it’s not your families money anymore. You say it it was your money you’d leave, it is your money so yes you should leave.

Is he likely to want the kids 50/50? Sounds like he won’t if he doesn’t look after them now. If not and they are with you as the main carer then you have greater housing needs. His earning capacity is debatable with the MH but if he has qualifications and could support himself you may be able to argue for more of the equity share. If he would fight you over the deposit it will cost £1000s in court/lawyers fees but if you get a good one you might get to keep more of it as they’ll have to go into all the circumstances. Would be better to come to a reasonable agreement between you and my advice would be get the ball rolling quickly and try and maintain a cordial relationship.

Unless your family are really clueless, they would have known the risks when they gave you the money. They must be aware that a lot of people get divorced.

Get some legal advice. Being adequately housed doesn't necessarily mean he needs to be able to buy. I really cant see them giving him almost all of it. Surely without a decent deposit you couldn't buy either? Current earnings and earning capacity plays a role in the asset division but so do the children's needs and how much you each have the children. It's not all about him. Im a disabled chronically ill single Mum who won't ever be able to work with 75% care for 3 DC with SEN and I certainly won't be getting anywhere near all the equity in the divorce.

Sadly OP the half the deposit is likely gone. But unless he is going to take primary care of the kids, he won't necessarily get any more.
Ultimately the courts will expect that he works and makes a living. The marital assets will be split and the children's needs met. So it's important that you see a good solicitor and get this done sooner rather than later. The longer the marriage the longer the claim he'll have on things like your pension.

Haven't read the whole thread but @HouseRen he doesn't have to be able to buy a new house to be appropriately housed, he could rent. See a good family law solicitor and start the process asap. The longer you leave it the more entitlement he will receive. Yours is a comparatively short marriage at present and more likely to allow you to retain a bigger proportion of the funds contributed.

First off, being suitably housed doesn't mean being able to buy a house outright! if he got half the £250k it would be more than sufficient for a deposit on a house with him taking a mortgage like everyone else. The fact he chooses not to work is his problem and no mortgage will mean he'll have to rent using his half.

But in any event you don't know he'll be entitled to half so go and get some decent advice from a kick-arse lawyer.

And as for your family, so you tell them you've employed a kick-arse lawyer and not handing over anything without a fight but he will inevitably take some of your inheritance. They might be angry but what exactly do they suggest you do about it? I'd be telling them to direct their anger to 'D'H or keep quiet.

Life's too short op, move on and start living

Surely you would try marriage counselling before jumping ahead to divorce?

Exactly. BOTH of them are at fault but OPs family more so why did they lend her that amount money. Did they know your DH wasn't working at the time? Bit ridiculous.

Harsh. All her family have done is give (not lend) her some money. They’re not the ones complaining about it going to the husband- that’s OP.

It’s very simple to me, imagine one of your young kids in this situation in 30 years time.

Are you telling them to stay because of family money? Or are you telling them to get out ASAP and start building a new life? Do whatever you’d tell your kids to do.

He could walk away with a very big % of that deposit money which my family still see as theirs

It's not theirs though is it? Its yours, and by default, because you're married, also your husband's.

I am wondering if a simple re-framing of the question might help here.

@HouseRen, you asked "Would you divorce if it meant losing your family's money?"

The money is already gone. That happened when you got married and had children.

So your question should really be: "Would you stay in a loveless marriage if it meant losing a continually increasing amount of your family's money?"

Put like that, hopefully the answer is obvious.

You’ve spent the money. It no longer exists as money. Forget about it.
What you have is a house/home. It sounds like you’re likely to be the resident parent and that custody is unlikely to be 50/50. What do you think he’d want and would be best for the children? EOW? A couple of nights per week? Less? More? Any money you need to give your dh think of as supporting and enabling relationship with your children and your new coparenting relationship. It might be better to help him more if it means he can live closer - more stability for the children, less travel etc. That’s an investment you’re making in your coparenting relationship.