Would you divorce if it meant losing your family's money?

[HouseRen]

I put in 250k deposit on our house. This was possible from family's inheritance. V fortunate I know.

There is no big drama. DH is loyal and committed, but he's also mean to me, v insecure, and I do not enjoy his company that much anymore. We have young kids.

He is in and out of work for MH reasons. I have worked hard and earn quite well. He earns v little

Deposit not ring fenced. Never was advised I could do that by solicitor though apparently once you've had kids it doesn't matter. He could walk away with a very big % of that deposit money which my family still see as theirs. The fall out would be huge.

If it was my money I'd do it.

What would you do it?

@HouseRen ”I just cannot imagine telling my family he's going to walk away with 100 - 200k depending. I don't know how he'd buy a place round here unless he basically gets given every penny of that deposit.”

So he’ll have to rent.

It’s like you’re trying to talk yourself out of leaving him.

Get a good lawyer, stop pretending you know what the split will be and start actually finding out.

One thing is for sure: this isn’t going to get any better with time. His appreciation of your efforts is not going to increase. But his equity share in the house will.

what are you waiting for?!

Do your family expect the money back one day?

The moment you got married, everything became 50/50, surely you knew this?

He could walk away with a very big % of that deposit money which my family still see as theirs. The fall out would be huge.

The fall out from your family? It's your inheritance - you could have blown it on anything you wanted, and your family would have no say! If they genuinely care more about you losing some of your inheritance (not costing them a penny of their money) than about you being happy then that's really really shitty of them.
If your family still see that money as theirs, they are wrong and need to get over that view whether you divorce or not.

Maybe try imagining what you’d want your DC to do if they were stuck in the situation you’re in? Would you rather they prioritise family money or their happiness?

Not necessarily.

OP, speak to a lawyer. My friend (who I ALWAYS use as the example) married her twat of an ex-husband after getting a £2M inheritance from her father. He divorced her a little under two years later. He tried to take her for half. He got £500K.

She's still fuming he got that much. But she kept £1.5M which, in her eyes, was a win.

The longer you stay, the worse it gets. The longer you stay, the more you earn and the more he (in theory) becomes entitled to. Cut your losses now.

Don't stay for the money. It's not fair on your kids. They'll grow up resenting your husband and you (for staying) because they will understand you're not happy.

I get it feels unfair
but this notion of women sacrificing is and ustally it’s through choice as they didn’t have high paying careers or things to start with.

anyway, the point is, you’re married. It’s a marital pot. Who pays what, or who financially contributed what is largely irrelevant. It’s a legal contract that will apply the principles of fairness ( per eyes of law) so you come out ‘equal’

so the longer you’re married the bigger the entitlement is. He will be due a large % of total mariral
assets which include this

A few people are answering as if OP is grumbling about the fact he's going to get a share of the money. I don't read her post like that- more just about whether it's worth staying to avoid him getting half.

To me that makes absolutely no sense- assuming you actually want to leave and the relationship is not salvageable, why would you stay for the sake of £125k? Yeah you're miserable but at least your ex doesn't have some of your money? WTF?

Your family will understand but honestly even if they don't understand it's worth it. When you are scared of doing something small barriers can seem insurmountable- I can't leave because then great uncle horace's savings will end up paying for a house for my husband unlike now when they are also paying for a house for my husband, um. It makes no sense and is pretty much the least important factor in whether you should end your marriage.

The financial split depends on a number of factors. How long married, what are the other assets, ages of both parties, who will be the resident parent, housing needs.

Exactly as above. I ringfenced my additional deposit that came from family money and was off the table, then wen't though a horrific divorce. He's have taken everything he could.

Absolutely no way I'd let my children marry without a stint at the solicitors first.

OP in your case, it may be worth the happiness over the money. You sound sensible and on good financial footing. However it may be seen that your H needs more support as they will work towards "equality" if his earning power is perceived to be less. There's no hard and fast rule to this - I was bulldozed by my exh bullish solicitor and the court system is a wild, wild roulette.

Don't let it stop you from leaving, if leaving is your goal. My mum got away from my dad, but lost out financially so she could be free. It's better to be free.

@Sunflowering agreed

however, op needs to come to terms with the fact he will be due a large %. Whether that’s now, in 5 years, 30 etc. also, he could , at any time, decide to end the marriage and would still be due a share. So op can separate and split it now and go on and live her life, or stay, be miserable and split later and still share the money.

moon’s here knows what % of total assets he’ll get, but he’s in a strong position if the weaker financial party.

op needs think in terms of total
assets, needs of both parties, where they’ll both live ( adequately and being able to house children) etc etc and work out fair proposal ( in the eyes of law not what she thinks is morally fair )

Perfectly put.

Money isn't everything. He will only carry on dragging you down until anger and resentment overwhelms you and that is when your health suffers, or even implodes long term and you can no longer work and therefore your opportunity to escape is no longer available. It happens too frequently for you to dismiss it. Leave now.

How long have you been married and how old are the children? There is no way he could ask for 50-50 care.

I would speak to a solicitor but I think the sooner you divorced the better. Divorce is inevitable and if you wait until the children are grown-up then you will definitely lose half.

What money do you have left at the end of the month...I'd consider to start 'paying back' the deposit now...

But as others have said, freedom and happiness is worth so much more than money.

Seek legal advice about what you can do eg could your family ask for the money back? Could you remortgage and give it back to them?

When I got divorced the legal advice was that marital assets are 50/50 more or less, with then adjustments in favour of whoever has main care of the kids.

Pre nups aren’t legally binding in the UK and you can’t ‘ringfence’ marital assets. Divorce or don’t divorce but marriage is a legal contract. When you sign it you make your assets joint. That’s literally the purpose of marriage from a contractual point of view.

baffling to me how few people realise this!

Your best bet would be to try and get him to agree to a deal where you’d get more.

When I got divorced the legal advice was that marital assets are 50/50 more or less, with then adjustments in favour of whoever has main care of the kids.

Pre nups aren’t legally binding in the UK and you can’t ‘ringfence’ marital assets. Divorce or don’t divorce but marriage is a legal contract. When you sign it you make your assets joint. That’s literally the purpose of marriage from a contractual point of view.

baffling to me how few people realise this!

Your best bet would be to try and get him to agree to a deal where you’d get more.

Wrong @ZippyGoose you can get a deed of trust written to ring fence the proportion of money an individual pays towards a property. Although the other party has to agree at the time I think. Best £250 I ever spent - was swiped off the table immediately when exh vulture solicitor came swooping.

@Iona345 yes and this can completely overwritten by a judge on divorce if needed to ensure a ‘fair’ outcome particularly if circumstances changed ( children, job loss, etc )

Op, I know I posted earlier, so ignore me if you wish.

You mention that your family would find it hard to watch him walk away with half the inheritance. Suppose you stay. Are unhappy. And then you become ill. If he outlives you, then what happens to your estate?

Please see a solicitor.

I think I'd rather be happy tbh. If I was going to sell my happiness and be someone's emotional punchbag for the rest of my life it would have to be for many millions.

You could argue to stay in the house with small kids till their 18 surely? Or could you buy him out?.

I would divorce and if it meant cutting ties with your family so be it!

If it felt like my money I would do it 100%. Absolutely right that unhappiness is of course not worth any amount of money. Its just with inheritance or family giving you money - it doesn't feel like mine - and someone else worked v hard to earn that money and now my stupidity means I'm going to lose it

I have come to terms with losing £125k. But people always say he will need to be adequately housed and if that means buying somewhere then he will have to take almost all of it. Not 5050

When the solicitor did the joint mortgage with me...he said that because we were married that inheritance was already half his so I had understood that because I'd got married I'd already signed over half that money and...even I'd ring fenced it the court need to ensure he has enough to house the kids

It's not the money but the emotional guilt and responsibility of my family seeing nearly all that money go to someone who has done almost nothing to contribute (doesn't pay mortgage etc).

Married for 5 years. Young kids. He has potential to have same salary as me as is highly qualified but he's messing about doing v little.