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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex partner wants to change routine

93 replies

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 19:05

Hello, I’ve been divorced for 2 years and me and my ex partner have a great routine which has worked for us since, fits in with extended family, and more importantly the kiddies (4&6)

my ex has met a new partner (been with her a few months) and he wants to swap the weeks so it fits in with her and her daughter (a swap so they will be without their children on the same weekends)

just to clarify, it isn’t a change in days, it’s a straight swap of weeks.

The routine we have currently, falls so the children get to spend one weekend a month with their grandparents and cousins (extended family have all worked around my routine for this to happen)

I have replied to my ex partner and stated I am not willing to swap as the routine works well and the children get to have days out with their extended family and me on a certain weekend which has been booked in since the day my first born was born. (6 years), and the fact the routine works well for me and the kids.

if I did swap, I can’t expect other family members to change their planned weekend of 6 years, which again fits in with other court orders in place) so my kids would miss out on this weekend monthly. My ex partner would not bring the children along to my family events.

he has stated that he Is going to take me to mediation and I have to pay 50% of the cost. I’m a single mum and don’t have the spare cash to pay for this with their birthdays and holidays around the corner, and, I don’t want to change their routine.

it isn’t my problem that his new girlfriend has her kids on the opposing days to my ex so why would I hinder my family because of their problem.

the routine has always worked great and hasn’t been as issue. I’m upset that this has made me look bad for not swapping but I can’t expect my extended family to change weeks (which they can’t change anyway), I don’t want my kids missing out on a weekend once a month they love, and the routine works great as it is.

am I being unreasonable? And do I have to pay 50% of mediation?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/02/2024 20:02

You're not being unreasonable and you shouldn't have to pay half of the mediation. There's no legitimate reason to change the arrangements so mediation isn't required.

Dillydollydingdong · 27/02/2024 20:08

Why can't your ex's new gf change her days to fit in with his?

Whattodo2024 · 27/02/2024 20:39

Also that’s a shit deal for your kids as they will never get any time with their dad without the other kids around

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 20:57

Her ex partner apparently can't swap.

Thanks so much for your advice - he makes me feel like I'm crazy and unreasonable.

Just when I felt like everything was going great and the kids were getting used to the big change, this happens.

I panic over anything to do with the kiddies. It's bad enough having to not see them for 50% of the week as it is so I don't deal well with threats of mediation and court (cry)

OP posts:
Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 20:58

Yes, if it’s that important to them then his girlfriend can try and switch her days with her children’s dad. I would just repeat that it isn’t in the children’s best interests to miss the extended family weekend and seeing their grandparents, whereas his request is to fulfil his interests, not the children’s. You are happy to be flexible and switch a weekend (or whatever) if he wanted a different weekend here and there, but you aren’t willing to switch the whole routine (which has worked for so long with no issue) going forward.
Mediation is voluntary. You could ask him if he is planning on putting in a court application to ask for something which means that his children miss their weekend with extended family every month so that he can be alone with his gf? Completely agree with @Whattodo2024 re the children having time alone with their dad too.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 20:58

Whattodo2024 · 27/02/2024 20:39

Also that’s a shit deal for your kids as they will never get any time with their dad without the other kids around

I didn't think of this so thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 21:00

Dillydollydingdong · 27/02/2024 20:08

Why can't your ex's new gf change her days to fit in with his?

Apparantly he won't swap as his routine works well with his new partner so it's down to me to swap.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 21:01

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/02/2024 20:02

You're not being unreasonable and you shouldn't have to pay half of the mediation. There's no legitimate reason to change the arrangements so mediation isn't required.

I didn't even know mediation was a thing with regards to not agreeing to a routine change. But he says il be hearing from them soon and I will have to pay 50% as it's me not agreeing.

Honestly, the panic I'm in right now

OP posts:
Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 21:01

If his girlfriend can’t swap, why isn’t she taking her ex to mediation? Maybe just repeat what you said first time and stand your ground.

Spirallingdownwards · 27/02/2024 21:02

Her ex partner apparently can't swap.

He accepts she can't swap so tell him just as he accepts that is the position for her its the same for you.

FairFuming · 27/02/2024 21:06

I wouldn't change my children's routine for this reason and I don't expect my partner to do so with his kids, currently he has his kids the weekend I work and my ex sometimes has the kids. We make it work and call in extra members of the family to babysit when we want to make plans. But we also have no plans to live together until the kids are all adults so our situations are probably different.
It's totally ok to say no, I'm aware how hard that can be some times. You also probably don't need to attend or pay for mediation. I'd talk to your local woman's aid as threatening that is giving financial abuse vibes, they can give you a good run down of your rights and responsibilities.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 21:06

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 20:58

Yes, if it’s that important to them then his girlfriend can try and switch her days with her children’s dad. I would just repeat that it isn’t in the children’s best interests to miss the extended family weekend and seeing their grandparents, whereas his request is to fulfil his interests, not the children’s. You are happy to be flexible and switch a weekend (or whatever) if he wanted a different weekend here and there, but you aren’t willing to switch the whole routine (which has worked for so long with no issue) going forward.
Mediation is voluntary. You could ask him if he is planning on putting in a court application to ask for something which means that his children miss their weekend with extended family every month so that he can be alone with his gf? Completely agree with @Whattodo2024 re the children having time alone with their dad too.

Thank you so much.

I've offered weekend swaps if he wants to spend time with her, or go away. I even put forward that maybe her parents have her child on the weekend my children are with my dad so they have one free weekend and he said "this has nothing to do with your dad or her mum" it's us.

But if I swap, I can't expect my whole family to change arrangements which have been set since my first daughter was born (at the time I was married to him)

OP posts:
Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 21:07

Don’t panic. He’s wrong, it isn’t about you and him, it’s about the children. Was your first routine court ordered? Is he applying to vary an order? Or is he saying he will take you to court over child arrangements? If so, I don’t understand what he’d be asking for which concerns his time with the children? He’s not asking for something which gives him
more time or because his work has changed and he can’t do the current routine due to something necessary - it’s solely for him. i’m not sure that’s a thing. If ignore him.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 21:21

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 21:07

Don’t panic. He’s wrong, it isn’t about you and him, it’s about the children. Was your first routine court ordered? Is he applying to vary an order? Or is he saying he will take you to court over child arrangements? If so, I don’t understand what he’d be asking for which concerns his time with the children? He’s not asking for something which gives him
more time or because his work has changed and he can’t do the current routine due to something necessary - it’s solely for him. i’m not sure that’s a thing. If ignore him.

Our current routine was decided by him the day I moved into my own property. We've stuck by it apart from a few occasions were we have things with work/holidays/weekends away etc and it's worked perfectly. I'm always happy to swap or have the kids extra. We split the routine 50/50 so it's fair and the current routine is on a 2 week rotation. One weekend on, one weekend off. This gives us the personal time we need too.

He said I'm not willing to agree a change so mediation it is, or court. And I won't have a choice.

I panicked firstly because I don't have the money for mediation, secondly because I don't want my kids to lose out, and I don't want to lose out on the special family time I have once a month with all my family and my children (I don't have as much disposable cash as I did when I was married)

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 27/02/2024 21:23

So everyone else gets to keep what fits them but you and your children get bullied into changing. Feck that.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 21:28

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/02/2024 21:23

So everyone else gets to keep what fits them but you and your children get bullied into changing. Feck that.

Exactly this in one sentence...

Then I get ridiculed and hurled abuse at for not changing. This isn't my issue.

They knew the routine when they got together, they knew at that point they had their kids all the time and they didn't like it they should've stopped the relationship then.

When we were getting divorced and I had an issue, he used to reply "it sounds like a you problem".... I'd never say that to him, but, it did cross my mind earlier.

OP posts:
WishIMite · 27/02/2024 21:31

I think YABU. The swap will only likely happen once. He has a right to a personal life outside of being a parent. I can’t see you “winning” in court. It’s a PITA but personally I’d accept it.

Bettyscakes · 27/02/2024 21:32

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 21:31

I think YABU. The swap will only likely happen once. He has a right to a personal life outside of being a parent. I can’t see you “winning” in court. It’s a PITA but personally I’d accept it.

Looks like his girlfriend has joined the chat!

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 21:34

In that case I’d just repeat that it isn’t in the children’s best interests to swap, all concerned have been happy until now with the status quo which was decided by him in the first place and you both have equal time to make your own plans with and without the children. There’s nothing to stop him getting a babysitter if he wants time with his gf on the weekend he has the kids or she could do the same on the weekends he doesn’t, like non-separated couples do. Let him put in an application. You don’t have to pay for mediation as it isn’t compulsory - if he wants you to repeat your response to him in mediation, then he will have to pay for it because you don’t have the funds to do that…..
Is he saying that because his gf’s won’t swap, he will force you to by threatening court action and court costs?
just bring any argument back to the children. Good luck

Scaffoldingisugly · 27/02/2024 21:34

His new gf coming onto the scene won't make a judge reorganise your life...

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 21:36

Bettyscakes · 27/02/2024 21:32

Looks like his girlfriend has joined the chat!

Show quote history

No, I’ve just been the mum in this exact situation. I just changed things. It actually didn’t make any real difference, but at the time it felt enormous.

The bigger difference came a couple of years later when he moved away with said gf and left me full time with the dc…

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 21:37

He can have a personal life on the days he doesn’t have the children, just like OP can, or he can have a babysitter. The court don’t care about your personal life, they do care about relationships with extended family members and your child’s relationship with you.

RosieTheChi · 27/02/2024 21:37

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 20:58

Yes, if it’s that important to them then his girlfriend can try and switch her days with her children’s dad. I would just repeat that it isn’t in the children’s best interests to miss the extended family weekend and seeing their grandparents, whereas his request is to fulfil his interests, not the children’s. You are happy to be flexible and switch a weekend (or whatever) if he wanted a different weekend here and there, but you aren’t willing to switch the whole routine (which has worked for so long with no issue) going forward.
Mediation is voluntary. You could ask him if he is planning on putting in a court application to ask for something which means that his children miss their weekend with extended family every month so that he can be alone with his gf? Completely agree with @Whattodo2024 re the children having time alone with their dad too.

I agree with the above.

If this did go to court, their main focus would be, 'what is in the best interest of the child?' The requested change would mean that only the father and girlfriend would benefit from this and the child at the centre of the court case would actually lose out.

For that reason, I can't see this ever going anywhere if the father did take it to court.

hamsterswhiskers · 27/02/2024 21:38

Mediation is a voluntary process. He can't make you go and can't make you pay. He's being a twit

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 21:39

@RosieTheChi absolutely

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