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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex partner wants to change routine

93 replies

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 19:05

Hello, I’ve been divorced for 2 years and me and my ex partner have a great routine which has worked for us since, fits in with extended family, and more importantly the kiddies (4&6)

my ex has met a new partner (been with her a few months) and he wants to swap the weeks so it fits in with her and her daughter (a swap so they will be without their children on the same weekends)

just to clarify, it isn’t a change in days, it’s a straight swap of weeks.

The routine we have currently, falls so the children get to spend one weekend a month with their grandparents and cousins (extended family have all worked around my routine for this to happen)

I have replied to my ex partner and stated I am not willing to swap as the routine works well and the children get to have days out with their extended family and me on a certain weekend which has been booked in since the day my first born was born. (6 years), and the fact the routine works well for me and the kids.

if I did swap, I can’t expect other family members to change their planned weekend of 6 years, which again fits in with other court orders in place) so my kids would miss out on this weekend monthly. My ex partner would not bring the children along to my family events.

he has stated that he Is going to take me to mediation and I have to pay 50% of the cost. I’m a single mum and don’t have the spare cash to pay for this with their birthdays and holidays around the corner, and, I don’t want to change their routine.

it isn’t my problem that his new girlfriend has her kids on the opposing days to my ex so why would I hinder my family because of their problem.

the routine has always worked great and hasn’t been as issue. I’m upset that this has made me look bad for not swapping but I can’t expect my extended family to change weeks (which they can’t change anyway), I don’t want my kids missing out on a weekend once a month they love, and the routine works great as it is.

am I being unreasonable? And do I have to pay 50% of mediation?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 27/02/2024 22:27

Op I’m not suggesting you should swap
nor suggesting you should agree

all I would say is bear in mind that routines are likely to change as the children grow, get friends, do sports etc, so be prepared at times to swap, change routines, be flexible etc as what works now might not always in the future.

for now, if it doesnt work for genuine reasons, simply say no and he’d have to take you to court to change ( mediation first )

DumpedByText · 27/02/2024 22:29

Just stand your ground, even if he does go to mediation you don't have to agree to anything they suggest.

You're not stopping him from seeing the kids, he has an agreement in place that now doesn't suit him, well that's tough! He'll look an idiot if he takes it further like court etc.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:31

Ilovelurchers · 27/02/2024 22:27

I can see why you are annoyed, especially as it sounds like he is very rude and dismissive in the way he speaks to you.

I know I might be unpopular for saying this, but is it ACTUALLY set in stone that the big family weekend (with your parents and siblings etc) happens on one particular weekend of the month (I assume it's the first weekend of the month, something like that?) Or could it actually be changed to the second weekend or whatever (and thus fit with your ex's plans).

I know you might feel, well why should everybody change just to suit him. And you would be justified in doing this, but.... Kids of separated parents benefit SO much from having parents who get on well with each other. You'd die for your kids probably - so I am betting that actually you are also willing to suck up doing things that make your ex happy, if you can see that by doing so ultimately your kids are the winners.

Do the extended family have work commitments or other immovable stuff that means the weekend can't change? Or is it just family tradition.

I know my view will be unpopular. But I think it's worth losing a few battles to achieve the all important truce, that ultimately benefits the kids.

Hello.

So my brother has a court order in place with his daughter (my children's cousin) so if we change, either he will lose out, or my kids will unfortunately. For the sake of his new partner he wants to change and the kids lose out. Just seems a little unreasonable that due to a new partner, everything on my side should change.

Maybe he should've thought about this before pursing the relationship. Kids always come first and I think he's thinking more about her instead of the kids.

We will still get on with each other - we always have

OP posts:
WishIMite · 27/02/2024 22:32

Ilovelurchers · 27/02/2024 22:27

I can see why you are annoyed, especially as it sounds like he is very rude and dismissive in the way he speaks to you.

I know I might be unpopular for saying this, but is it ACTUALLY set in stone that the big family weekend (with your parents and siblings etc) happens on one particular weekend of the month (I assume it's the first weekend of the month, something like that?) Or could it actually be changed to the second weekend or whatever (and thus fit with your ex's plans).

I know you might feel, well why should everybody change just to suit him. And you would be justified in doing this, but.... Kids of separated parents benefit SO much from having parents who get on well with each other. You'd die for your kids probably - so I am betting that actually you are also willing to suck up doing things that make your ex happy, if you can see that by doing so ultimately your kids are the winners.

Do the extended family have work commitments or other immovable stuff that means the weekend can't change? Or is it just family tradition.

I know my view will be unpopular. But I think it's worth losing a few battles to achieve the all important truce, that ultimately benefits the kids.

I think this is very sensible. All the “stand your ground” “he’s bullying you” etc isn’t really a very helpful approach when you’ve got another 20 years of coparenting ahead of you.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:32

DumpedByText · 27/02/2024 22:29

Just stand your ground, even if he does go to mediation you don't have to agree to anything they suggest.

You're not stopping him from seeing the kids, he has an agreement in place that now doesn't suit him, well that's tough! He'll look an idiot if he takes it further like court etc.

Loving this comment. I think I might sleep tonight.

I just needed other opinions that would make me see if I'm being unreasonable or not.

95% of people have been pro my decision. :-)

OP posts:
WishIMite · 27/02/2024 22:34

You could maybe change your days but have your dc to visit their cousins for two hours or whatever they usually do? If it’s only a five min drive.

Scaffoldingisugly · 27/02/2024 22:35

Good life skill for the dc that bullies don't win surely?

FabFebHalfTerm · 27/02/2024 22:37

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 22:34

You could maybe change your days but have your dc to visit their cousins for two hours or whatever they usually do? If it’s only a five min drive.

Or she can just say 'No that doesn't work for us' and his gf can pester her ex.

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 22:37

Scaffoldingisugly · 27/02/2024 22:35

Good life skill for the dc that bullies don't win surely?

In my experience, in the family courts they usually do.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:41

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 22:34

You could maybe change your days but have your dc to visit their cousins for two hours or whatever they usually do? If it’s only a five min drive.

The cousins live a good 30 mins drive away.

I live 5 mins (if that) away from ex partner.

2 hours wouldn't really work as we plan days out like the zoo, play centres, walks, family bbqs, and I think it would upset the girls more knowing they'd have to be pulled away from it all... and me sat there feeling sad that they aren't there with everybody because their dad wanted the routine to fit in with his new gf.

OP posts:
NamingConundrum · 27/02/2024 22:42

No idea about mediation costs but he'll look like a knobhead. "That doesn't work for me due to x,y,z but I will take them for an extra weekend every month/two months so you have a child free weekend if you wish". "It doesn't work for me, can your gf not swap her weekends? Oh it doesn't work for him either? So why is it not working for him more important than it not working for me? Are you also taking him to mediation?". This mediation session is for what is best for our children. What is best for children is maintaining family time with their cousins which would not be possible if we changed.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:43

millymollymoomoo · 27/02/2024 22:27

Op I’m not suggesting you should swap
nor suggesting you should agree

all I would say is bear in mind that routines are likely to change as the children grow, get friends, do sports etc, so be prepared at times to swap, change routines, be flexible etc as what works now might not always in the future.

for now, if it doesnt work for genuine reasons, simply say no and he’d have to take you to court to change ( mediation first )

Yes I agree that when the girls are older it might change, but for now, this works and they enjoy the weekends with their grandparents. I don't want to take this away because another "new woman" is on the scene.

I'm going to stick with saying no.

If I say yes, it hinders me, and him having a new gf shouldn't affect me in any way, just like my partners don't have any inpact towards him.

OP posts:
FabFebHalfTerm · 27/02/2024 22:43

@TheCheeryWriter

you are not being unreasonable. HE put the arrangements in place to suit him, you & the kids have learnt to make it work & now HE wants to change it to suit his latest gf.

Why won't you tell him 'It's a you problem'. He didn't hold back saying that to you.

He's a bully. It works because you allow him to dictate because you're happy to have your kids more & are a nice person, so now you're not just saying 'ok' he's upped the bullying!

you'll see him for what he is one day.

say to him 'I've said 'no, it doesn't work for me or the kids. I don't want to talk about it again. Take me to court to see if the judge agrees our children should miss out on extended family time that has been in place 6 years so that you and your gf can have weekends without any children' 🙄🙄🙄

TheCosySeal · 27/02/2024 22:45

you are saying it works for everyone but that’s not the case. It doesn’t work for him anymore and it’s not all about you.

You need to compromise and come up with something that suits you both.

NamingConundrum · 27/02/2024 22:47

TheCosySeal · 27/02/2024 22:45

you are saying it works for everyone but that’s not the case. It doesn’t work for him anymore and it’s not all about you.

You need to compromise and come up with something that suits you both.

Arguably what suits them both is his new GF changing her routine. Why does it fall to OP?

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:47

FabFebHalfTerm · 27/02/2024 22:43

@TheCheeryWriter

you are not being unreasonable. HE put the arrangements in place to suit him, you & the kids have learnt to make it work & now HE wants to change it to suit his latest gf.

Why won't you tell him 'It's a you problem'. He didn't hold back saying that to you.

He's a bully. It works because you allow him to dictate because you're happy to have your kids more & are a nice person, so now you're not just saying 'ok' he's upped the bullying!

you'll see him for what he is one day.

say to him 'I've said 'no, it doesn't work for me or the kids. I don't want to talk about it again. Take me to court to see if the judge agrees our children should miss out on extended family time that has been in place 6 years so that you and your gf can have weekends without any children' 🙄🙄🙄

Can we be friends... haha

You've just made a lightbulb flick on in my head.

He has a weird way of getting in my head and turning it round so I feel bad and unreasonable for not wanting to change my babies routines which they are used too.

I know it's only a straight swap in weeks but it's still means them missing out on a really good family day once a month.

Ugh, when will I learn to be strong and not let him get into my head.

OP posts:
TheCosySeal · 27/02/2024 22:49

NamingConundrum · 27/02/2024 22:47

Arguably what suits them both is his new GF changing her routine. Why does it fall to OP?

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter why he wants to change… he can change it for any reason he wants… just like the OP would be entitled too.

Then they need to compromise either way.

No wonder why there are so many messed up kids in this world when adults can’t even get on.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:49

TheCosySeal · 27/02/2024 22:45

you are saying it works for everyone but that’s not the case. It doesn’t work for him anymore and it’s not all about you.

You need to compromise and come up with something that suits you both.

But why the sudden change from him? Oh, a new gf who has her kids on opposing days?

That isn't my fault unfortunately.

I wouldn't even consider changing their routine.

I'm always happy to help contribute to swapping weekends/days etc but I'm not swapping.

He's going to have to suck it up and get used to children which 1- he decided to create, and 1- he decide to become a step dad too and step up. Tough luck.

Other people have kids every night, he's just not used to it because when we were together he was never in the house as he was always out playing cricket.

This is life.

OP posts:
TheCosySeal · 27/02/2024 22:54

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:49

But why the sudden change from him? Oh, a new gf who has her kids on opposing days?

That isn't my fault unfortunately.

I wouldn't even consider changing their routine.

I'm always happy to help contribute to swapping weekends/days etc but I'm not swapping.

He's going to have to suck it up and get used to children which 1- he decided to create, and 1- he decide to become a step dad too and step up. Tough luck.

Other people have kids every night, he's just not used to it because when we were together he was never in the house as he was always out playing cricket.

This is life.

Show quote history

Well when he stops picking them up or making excuses to have them because two adults can’t come to a compromise that suits them both then you will just have yourself to blame.

SauronsArsehole · 27/02/2024 22:56

your conditions should be that the family weekend is ringfenced. This is important for your children because it keeps relations with extended family and support network.

suggest you get two weekends in a row. The family one then a just you one.

then he gets two in a row.

So in a month the ex and GF have one solo weekend. One weekend with just GFs kids. One weekend with just EXs kids. One weekend with all kids.

this arrangement would work best for all kids as they’re able to see extended family, solo time with both parents and also encourage relationship with step siblings.

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 22:57

@TheCosySeal of course he can’t change it for any reason HE wants because that would be ridiculous. How can people run their lives with their ex partner switching child arrangements willy nilly for no good reason? Nor can the OP just change it for any reason. She has offered alternatives and flexibility - she’s offered him weekends with his gf! How can you post on here that it’s okay for someone to change their child arrangements for any reason they want when it affects the children and the children’s other parent?

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:59

@TheCosySeal but he would never stop picking them up because he's a good dad. We talk every day.

This disagreement doesn't mean we won't get on - I was with him for 17 years, we're friends. Not every divorce ends up in parents hating each other.

This was a general question to ask if I was being unreasonable not wanting to change a routine, he set, 2 years ago. I didn't once mention a fall out of any sort.

If he takes me to mediation or to court, I'd always still get on with him. There's absolutely no reason not too. It's a disagreement we can't sort... but I can't afford it.

OP posts:
TheCosySeal · 27/02/2024 23:01

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 22:57

@TheCosySeal of course he can’t change it for any reason HE wants because that would be ridiculous. How can people run their lives with their ex partner switching child arrangements willy nilly for no good reason? Nor can the OP just change it for any reason. She has offered alternatives and flexibility - she’s offered him weekends with his gf! How can you post on here that it’s okay for someone to change their child arrangements for any reason they want when it affects the children and the children’s other parent?

He’s not asking to change it weekly. Get a grip. It’s been two years with the same routine. It no longer works for him so yes he can ask to change it.

Bet if it didn’t suit the OP she would be asking to change it.

peoples lives change, circumstances change, work situations change, that’s life… what worked for 2 years no longer works for him so yes he is allowed to request a change.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 23:02

SauronsArsehole · 27/02/2024 22:56

your conditions should be that the family weekend is ringfenced. This is important for your children because it keeps relations with extended family and support network.

suggest you get two weekends in a row. The family one then a just you one.

then he gets two in a row.

So in a month the ex and GF have one solo weekend. One weekend with just GFs kids. One weekend with just EXs kids. One weekend with all kids.

this arrangement would work best for all kids as they’re able to see extended family, solo time with both parents and also encourage relationship with step siblings.

I will put this forward. But, he said earlier that he likes this routine, he just wants it swapped (in turn the kids miss the fun day they get with extended family etc)

It's like he wants it his way or no way.

I just had a panic that I'd have to pay for mediation and I was worried if I was being unreasonable because the last thing I want to do is hinder my kids. I'm happy for them to miss family weekends if the right thing to do is swap.

But, a high proportion of you all say I'm going the right thing for the kids

OP posts:
TheCosySeal · 27/02/2024 23:02

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:59

@TheCosySeal but he would never stop picking them up because he's a good dad. We talk every day.

This disagreement doesn't mean we won't get on - I was with him for 17 years, we're friends. Not every divorce ends up in parents hating each other.

This was a general question to ask if I was being unreasonable not wanting to change a routine, he set, 2 years ago. I didn't once mention a fall out of any sort.

If he takes me to mediation or to court, I'd always still get on with him. There's absolutely no reason not too. It's a disagreement we can't sort... but I can't afford it.

Yes you sound super friendly when he’s telling you he’s going to take you to mediation.

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