Page 4 | Ex partner wants to change routine

Original poster

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 23:04

@TheCosySeal just for reference, I would never ever ask to swap. I work my entire life around this routine and my kids.

I get invited somewhere on a weekend I have the kids, I don't go. I spend 50% of my time with my kids now and I'm not missing a second.

The only reason I'd ever ask to change if is the routine would work better another way for them. Not me.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 23:05

@TheCosySeal I am friendly. There's no reason for me not to be,

My main focus is that the kids are happy,

He takes me to mediation, fine, I know there's good reason from one end to do so. Aslong as the mediation doesn't affect the kids, count me in, and we can go for a coffee afterwards.

I just want to live a happy, organised, drama free, fun life. No way am I injecting any sort of hatred or issues into my life or my kids life.

OP posts:

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 23:09

@TheCosySeal I have a grip, thanks. You wrote that HE can change it for any reason he wants.

No, he can’t if she doesn’t agree with it because it doesn’t suit their children and her family situation. THEY need to agree something. At the moment they have something in place that he requested that she agreed to and, until they come up with a compromise, HE cant just change it for any reason he likes.

SauronsArsehole · 27/02/2024 23:15

I’m wondering if he’s just annoyed he no longer had any kids free time and thinks you’ll pick up the slack for him to have his me time like you used to? 🤔

you’re not unreasonable to say no. He’s not unreasonable to ask.

what must come first is the children. Always.

under his plan he’s clearly got a rose tinted view that his new GF will happily play mum to 3+ kids when she probably wants to do solo things with her own children. She ( the GF) highly likely wants for her own children everything you want for yours.

I assure you this will get old fast for them and they’d rather not have 3+ kids on a weekend. she’ll never be able to take her kids to her parents without yours in tow unless you ex has his own kids. Or that they’ll get on together.

and the age gap of her kids and yours? If hers are older her kids are going to be really pissed that every activity under the proposed plan will have to be suitable for 4yos instead.

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 23:17

@SauronsArsehole agree with what you’ve put above and your compromises re the weekends are worth thinking about - to ringfence the family weekend.

converseandjeans · 28/02/2024 00:17

Agree with @Whattodo2024

Also that’s a shit deal for your kids as they will never get any time with their dad without the other kids around

They are just expected to pal up with some new step sibling & won't see much of Dad on their own. I think this is quite common.

threadfan · 28/02/2024 00:47

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 19:05

Hello, I’ve been divorced for 2 years and me and my ex partner have a great routine which has worked for us since, fits in with extended family, and more importantly the kiddies (4&6)

my ex has met a new partner (been with her a few months) and he wants to swap the weeks so it fits in with her and her daughter (a swap so they will be without their children on the same weekends)

just to clarify, it isn’t a change in days, it’s a straight swap of weeks.

The routine we have currently, falls so the children get to spend one weekend a month with their grandparents and cousins (extended family have all worked around my routine for this to happen)

I have replied to my ex partner and stated I am not willing to swap as the routine works well and the children get to have days out with their extended family and me on a certain weekend which has been booked in since the day my first born was born. (6 years), and the fact the routine works well for me and the kids.

if I did swap, I can’t expect other family members to change their planned weekend of 6 years, which again fits in with other court orders in place) so my kids would miss out on this weekend monthly. My ex partner would not bring the children along to my family events.

he has stated that he Is going to take me to mediation and I have to pay 50% of the cost. I’m a single mum and don’t have the spare cash to pay for this with their birthdays and holidays around the corner, and, I don’t want to change their routine.

it isn’t my problem that his new girlfriend has her kids on the opposing days to my ex so why would I hinder my family because of their problem.

the routine has always worked great and hasn’t been as issue. I’m upset that this has made me look bad for not swapping but I can’t expect my extended family to change weeks (which they can’t change anyway), I don’t want my kids missing out on a weekend once a month they love, and the routine works great as it is.

am I being unreasonable? And do I have to pay 50% of mediation?

It's a good problem to have. On the one hand, I can see how frustrating it is, as it works well for you. However, you can't expect things to stay the same forever. As much as you have a right for things not to change, he has the same right to want things to change for him. It's unlucky, and I believe it is unreasonable to be stubborn about the issue as the conflict will become less about the kids and more personal.

origamirose · 28/02/2024 08:07

Seriously, the best thing you can do for your children is to coparent effectively with their other parent. There is a compromise here that lies somewhere between what he wants and what you want.
Be the person who sits down with your ex and his partner to get to a compromise that works for you and for them. Build an effective coparenting relationship with him. You loved each other once. You have two children together who you both love. Make that your focus and do everything you can to find an amicable compromise.
i say that as a kid who had parents who couldn’t work together - it had a massive impact on my life, relationships and development. I also have grown up step kids and wish that all the adults in their lives had tried to be friends/get along.
Be nice to your ex - disarm him and his partner with kindness and a willingness to compromise… you never know what effect that might have.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/02/2024 08:34

Have no idea why some posters are of the opinion that because three other adults (ex DH, GF and her exDH) won’t compromise for something they want/don’t want, that the OP should suck it up to the detriment of her children. Fuck that shit. She’s offered compromises of swapping weekend time but he doesn’t want that; he wants everything swapped for only his benefit. Can’t see that going well in court. Right-so you have 50:50, but you don’t want that, you want a different 50:50 so you can have alone time with your GF? And how does that positively affect the children? Not really. And they lose extended family time as a consequence? Super!

WishIMite · 28/02/2024 08:47

Personally I merged my dc weeks with my stepdc weeks because the time in between enabled me to work my full hours and frankly rest so I was a better parent on the weeks that I saw them.

But whatever reason he wants to change it isn’t enormously important - you are divorced now, you don’t agree every decision. Taking a more compromising approach is needed to avoid long term unpleasantness imo.

millymollymoomoo · 28/02/2024 08:59

Personally I do think this is because it’s new gf related. If he was asking to swap for any other reason I expect op would be more compromising….

ilovelamp82 · 28/02/2024 09:01

Mediation and courts are going to work from the status quo and what is in the best interest of the kids. If they are happy with the current set up and it is just so that he can have alone time with his Mrs there is no way anyone will make everyone change anything for that. Don't let him bully you. When he talks about mediation, just calmly say if you must.

Original poster

TheCheeryWriter · 28/02/2024 09:04

origamirose · 28/02/2024 08:07

Seriously, the best thing you can do for your children is to coparent effectively with their other parent. There is a compromise here that lies somewhere between what he wants and what you want.
Be the person who sits down with your ex and his partner to get to a compromise that works for you and for them. Build an effective coparenting relationship with him. You loved each other once. You have two children together who you both love. Make that your focus and do everything you can to find an amicable compromise.
i say that as a kid who had parents who couldn’t work together - it had a massive impact on my life, relationships and development. I also have grown up step kids and wish that all the adults in their lives had tried to be friends/get along.
Be nice to your ex - disarm him and his partner with kindness and a willingness to compromise… you never know what effect that might have.

Ive given a compromise and I ALWAYS swap for him so he can go on holidays, attend work events, and have time off on his days, if he's running late I pick them up. I dont know what other compromise I can give.

The main people, if I swap, who are losing out, are my kids. and he doesn't see it like that. He sees it as his gain if I swap because he gets every other weekend off from children. He doesn't see that it's the children who lose out.

We co-parent well - no issues at all.

I just needed to know if i was being unreasonable saying no so that my children dont lose out on extended family time.

OP posts:

TheCosySeal · 28/02/2024 09:10

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 23:09

@TheCosySeal I have a grip, thanks. You wrote that HE can change it for any reason he wants.

No, he can’t if she doesn’t agree with it because it doesn’t suit their children and her family situation. THEY need to agree something. At the moment they have something in place that he requested that she agreed to and, until they come up with a compromise, HE cant just change it for any reason he likes.

what don’t you get? Yes HE can request to change it for any reason he wants and THEY need to come to a compromise…. Exactly what I have said.

Original poster

TheCheeryWriter · 28/02/2024 09:13

millymollymoomoo · 28/02/2024 08:59

Personally I do think this is because it’s new gf related. If he was asking to swap for any other reason I expect op would be more compromising….

I love his new gf, she's fantastic. ive no issues at all. She makes my ex partner happy and im happy for them both.

But, why should my kids lose out because her daughter is on a different routine to his? She got into the relationship knowing it was different so it's tough luck.

Swapping doesn't affect me at all. It affects my kids, therefore, it will cause an issue for me (and them as they will be distraught if i have to tell them they miss this day once a month).

He is being selfish because he knows he doesnt get a week off from children is he expects me to change.

How can you say im not being compromising when i constantly help him out with the children by having them for his holidays, nights out, work events... i couldnt be anymore flexible and compromising.

He set this routine as part of the divorce and its worked fine until now.

I could say, il compromise even further and have them more, to which he will decline because he wants them 50/50 but he wants the routine his way.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 28/02/2024 09:28

Because you fail to accept that what worked once doesn’t work forever whatever the reason. Kids routines change.

RandomMess · 28/02/2024 09:55

I would put the ball back in his court that the things that are NOT negotiable as they are in the DC best interests are:
Minimum 50% time with you
Minimum of 50% weekends with you over a 4 week period
Monthly weekend with family
Minimum nights in a row 2
Maximum nights in a row 3
The DC get some weekend time monthly with Dad without step sibling and step sibling gets the same with their mum

If he can suggest a new routine that adheres to the above then the DC are being put first and you can't see why it wouldn't work. Reiterate you are happy to have extra time with the DC if they don't have babysitters.

BloodyAdultDC · 28/02/2024 09:57

TheCosySeal · 27/02/2024 22:45

you are saying it works for everyone but that’s not the case. It doesn’t work for him anymore and it’s not all about you.

You need to compromise and come up with something that suits you both.

It works for everyone except the ex now has a gf and it now doesn't work FOR HIM.

It's not to do with work, or other major commitments, or the kids, it's to do with him and his gf.

Courts like a status quo. CURRENTLY, this arrangement has worked for 2 years, the relationship with extended family is VERY established and has been since well before the separation. The only thing that has changed for ANYONE is the ex has a new gf.

You have offered to have the kids extra to accommodate his request for a kid-free weekend occasionally. His gf 😂 s not able to swap her weekends - that is not your problem, or your dc.

You have been incredibly reasonable with flexibility around your arrangements. Up to him to manage his own relationship.