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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex partner wants to change routine

93 replies

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 19:05

Hello, I’ve been divorced for 2 years and me and my ex partner have a great routine which has worked for us since, fits in with extended family, and more importantly the kiddies (4&6)

my ex has met a new partner (been with her a few months) and he wants to swap the weeks so it fits in with her and her daughter (a swap so they will be without their children on the same weekends)

just to clarify, it isn’t a change in days, it’s a straight swap of weeks.

The routine we have currently, falls so the children get to spend one weekend a month with their grandparents and cousins (extended family have all worked around my routine for this to happen)

I have replied to my ex partner and stated I am not willing to swap as the routine works well and the children get to have days out with their extended family and me on a certain weekend which has been booked in since the day my first born was born. (6 years), and the fact the routine works well for me and the kids.

if I did swap, I can’t expect other family members to change their planned weekend of 6 years, which again fits in with other court orders in place) so my kids would miss out on this weekend monthly. My ex partner would not bring the children along to my family events.

he has stated that he Is going to take me to mediation and I have to pay 50% of the cost. I’m a single mum and don’t have the spare cash to pay for this with their birthdays and holidays around the corner, and, I don’t want to change their routine.

it isn’t my problem that his new girlfriend has her kids on the opposing days to my ex so why would I hinder my family because of their problem.

the routine has always worked great and hasn’t been as issue. I’m upset that this has made me look bad for not swapping but I can’t expect my extended family to change weeks (which they can’t change anyway), I don’t want my kids missing out on a weekend once a month they love, and the routine works great as it is.

am I being unreasonable? And do I have to pay 50% of mediation?

OP posts:
Scaffoldingisugly · 27/02/2024 21:40

He is trying to bully you op. No mention of what he thinks is best for the dc at all was there? Stand firm.. Your dc's depend on one of you providing stability.. It's obviously you and a court would see that.. Not that he will take you to court...

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 21:40

RosieTheChi · 27/02/2024 21:37

I agree with the above.

If this did go to court, their main focus would be, 'what is in the best interest of the child?' The requested change would mean that only the father and girlfriend would benefit from this and the child at the centre of the court case would actually lose out.

For that reason, I can't see this ever going anywhere if the father did take it to court.

Show quote history

They could equally argue that his children really want to see her children and they really want to blend into a lovely big happy family and at the moment the children never see each other.

Lovingitallnow · 27/02/2024 21:43

I am delighted to learn that I have a right to a life outside of being a parent. This is a human right I was unaware of previously. Is it only separated parents that can avail of this right?

RosieTheChi · 27/02/2024 21:44

@WishIMite They could but the status quo a regiment is a strong one.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 21:44

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 21:31

I think YABU. The swap will only likely happen once. He has a right to a personal life outside of being a parent. I can’t see you “winning” in court. It’s a PITA but personally I’d accept it.

But this isn't to do with his personal life. It's my children.

It's the change this will make to my children's lives when the routine works perfectly for everybody now... he's already had one relationship which has ended, this girl might not be around for long (if she has any sense), and I've been weak and agreed to change their routine to make them both happy - yet me, my kids, and my dad (who has supported us all since the day the girls were born) lose out for the sake of his happiness.

Yes, he is entitled to his time as I am I.
But he has this time for 50% of the week. It isn't my problem that he pursued a relationship with a woman with a child.

But thank you for posting.

He got into the relationship with a woman with a child. It shouldn't be my children that suffer because of this.

OP posts:
RosieTheChi · 27/02/2024 21:45

RosieTheChi · 27/02/2024 21:44

@WishIMite They could but the status quo a regiment is a strong one.

Argument not regiment lol

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 21:48

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 21:44

But this isn't to do with his personal life. It's my children.

It's the change this will make to my children's lives when the routine works perfectly for everybody now... he's already had one relationship which has ended, this girl might not be around for long (if she has any sense), and I've been weak and agreed to change their routine to make them both happy - yet me, my kids, and my dad (who has supported us all since the day the girls were born) lose out for the sake of his happiness.

Yes, he is entitled to his time as I am I.
But he has this time for 50% of the week. It isn't my problem that he pursued a relationship with a woman with a child.

But thank you for posting.

He got into the relationship with a woman with a child. It shouldn't be my children that suffer because of this.

Show quote history

I think the chance of him saying that he will just have them less time is probably increased if you don’t show some flexibility.

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 21:49

(Maybe that works for you - it was just a nightmare for me as my work was around a 50:50 routine)

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 21:57

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 21:49

(Maybe that works for you - it was just a nightmare for me as my work was around a 50:50 routine)

To be honest, I'd absolutely love to have them both more. I'd have them every day if I could but I've always agreed to 50/50 as he's a great dad and I'd never ever deny him the option to see them.

He has no family so no childcare but I always help him out, very rarely say no unless I have something booked in.

OP posts:
Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 21:58

@WishIMite OP said that they currently have all their children on the same weekend, but want time for themselves, with no children - this has absolutely nothing to do with them being one big happy family and nothing to do with what’s best for the children.

i don’t get time with my partner without one of us having the children, hence the occasional need for a babysitter, but I didn’t get time alone when I was married either - becsuse we had the children. That’s how it is once you’re a parent. The OP is offering them weekends off etc, she just can’t change the whole routine.

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 21:59

What happens with the next gf or if they split - change again?

RandomMess · 27/02/2024 22:01

You could offer to switch things likely so you perhaps get 2 weekends in a row and he gets one weekend a month without any DC and one weekend a month with just his DC.

Your DC still get there family weekend with cousins.

You could offer that has being in the DC best interests as it's not good if both sets of DC have all their weekends together at his IYSWIM

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:01

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 21:59

What happens with the next gf or if they split - change again?

Yes - he will ask to change again. Probably more so if I agree to change now because he knows i will bow down and change just because he's said so.

I think I just need to stick to my guns and say no.

I just needed some help to whether I was being as unreasonable as he made out, and if I have to go to mediation.

OP posts:
chrisfromcardiff · 27/02/2024 22:03

TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 21:44

But this isn't to do with his personal life. It's my children.

It's the change this will make to my children's lives when the routine works perfectly for everybody now... he's already had one relationship which has ended, this girl might not be around for long (if she has any sense), and I've been weak and agreed to change their routine to make them both happy - yet me, my kids, and my dad (who has supported us all since the day the girls were born) lose out for the sake of his happiness.

Yes, he is entitled to his time as I am I.
But he has this time for 50% of the week. It isn't my problem that he pursued a relationship with a woman with a child.

But thank you for posting.

He got into the relationship with a woman with a child. It shouldn't be my children that suffer because of this.

Show quote history

When he threatens you with legal action again, simply say, "See you in court!" He is not going to go for mediation. He is just trying to scare you. Call him on it and watch how quickly he backs off.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:06

RandomMess · 27/02/2024 22:01

You could offer to switch things likely so you perhaps get 2 weekends in a row and he gets one weekend a month without any DC and one weekend a month with just his DC.

Your DC still get there family weekend with cousins.

You could offer that has being in the DC best interests as it's not good if both sets of DC have all their weekends together at his IYSWIM

Our routine is currently

Week one
Monday- mum
Tuesday - mum
Wednesday - dad
Thursday - dad
Friday - mum
Saturday - mum
Sunday - mum

Week two
Monday - dad
Tuesday - dad
Wednesday - mum
Thursday - mum
Friday - dad
Saturday - dad
Sunday - dad

It's absolutely perfect. Then one weekend of my weekends, they go to spend time with grandparents, cousins, aunties, uncles. I usually go, but sometimes I don't if I meet a friend or have a nice day to do some washing.

I don't want to change the routine because it works so well.

I don't want to swap it because then they'd lose out on quality family time they've had since birth.

But I have offered to help him out if he wants time with his girlfriend.

OP posts:
WishIMite · 27/02/2024 22:09

I’m not sure that changing house every two days is really in the children’s best interests and it won’t be sustainable when they are older and have school things all over the place.

AuntMarch · 27/02/2024 22:14

All of the children that only see one parent at weekends change after two days, and you don't know the distance either lives from the school?

OP, They've accepted a no from the girflriends ex partner, they'll just have to accept one from you too!
Offer that you are happy to have them 3 weekends, or cover the extra weekend here and there if they want to go away, but that you are not willing to do a full swap because of the other family relationships that will be impacted. There's no way he could show that to anyone and them not see that your are willing to be flexible, to a point.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:14

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 22:09

I’m not sure that changing house every two days is really in the children’s best interests and it won’t be sustainable when they are older and have school things all over the place.

But the other side of the argument is, they're still little at 4 & 6 and they miss each of us, and of course, I miss them. I don't think they could do longer than 3 days away from us a week.

It gives me and their dad chance to check in with them, do homework, be involved in after school activities, it honestly works well and we all love it.

Myself and their dad have always agreed that it works great.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/02/2024 22:14

Well if you are offering to have the DC extra then he can STFU

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:18

AuntMarch · 27/02/2024 22:14

All of the children that only see one parent at weekends change after two days, and you don't know the distance either lives from the school?

OP, They've accepted a no from the girflriends ex partner, they'll just have to accept one from you too!
Offer that you are happy to have them 3 weekends, or cover the extra weekend here and there if they want to go away, but that you are not willing to do a full swap because of the other family relationships that will be impacted. There's no way he could show that to anyone and them not see that your are willing to be flexible, to a point.

We only live 5 mins drive away from each other. The kids love the routine and my eldest knows where she is now on each day.

Every other weekend off gives us chance for our own lives away from our children, and 2/3 nights off in the week gives us time to concentrate on work events or seeing friends. The kids also get good quality time with us.

Before we agreed to this, we also sat down with their teachers and asked them to keep an eye on any changes and they saw positive changes so we kept to it. They're both thriving now.

I'm open to flexibility to help him, I always have been. But I just can't have them miss out.

Thanks for your advice :-)

OP posts:
Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 22:20

My routine with the children is pretty much identical - they have all their things at both parents, we live half a mile from each other and they’ve done it for years. They didn’t want to be away from either of us for too long when they were younger so it was perfect. As they got into their teens we asked if they wanted longer stints at each house, but they were happy with it as it was so we’ve continued with it.

Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:21

RandomMess · 27/02/2024 22:14

Well if you are offering to have the DC extra then he can STFU

Il always offer to help and I'm happy to do so but I can't justify a swap due to the impact on the kids, my family and me. It's not fair.

I didn't like to be threatened with court or mediation though because I don't want to change the perfect routine we have just because another new lady has popped up and I'm expected to change my children's routine. :-(

Thank you for your advice and support

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCheeryWriter · 27/02/2024 22:23

Jonathan70 · 27/02/2024 22:20

My routine with the children is pretty much identical - they have all their things at both parents, we live half a mile from each other and they’ve done it for years. They didn’t want to be away from either of us for too long when they were younger so it was perfect. As they got into their teens we asked if they wanted longer stints at each house, but they were happy with it as it was so we’ve continued with it.

Yeah, it's brilliant. We always communicate and pop to each others houses and if the kids need anything, they get dropped off and pop in for whatever we need.

If I'm going somewhere the kids want to come too on his days, I pick them up and they come. Same vice versa.

Aslong as the kids are happy and they're having fun experiences with us both, why change it. :-(

OP posts:
FabFebHalfTerm · 27/02/2024 22:26

WishIMite · 27/02/2024 21:31

I think YABU. The swap will only likely happen once. He has a right to a personal life outside of being a parent. I can’t see you “winning” in court. It’s a PITA but personally I’d accept it.

@WishIMite

WTF are you on about?

yes he has a right to a personal life, he has on! He doesn't have the right to make his ex wife change her plans to suit his new partner.

FFS

Ilovelurchers · 27/02/2024 22:27

I can see why you are annoyed, especially as it sounds like he is very rude and dismissive in the way he speaks to you.

I know I might be unpopular for saying this, but is it ACTUALLY set in stone that the big family weekend (with your parents and siblings etc) happens on one particular weekend of the month (I assume it's the first weekend of the month, something like that?) Or could it actually be changed to the second weekend or whatever (and thus fit with your ex's plans).

I know you might feel, well why should everybody change just to suit him. And you would be justified in doing this, but.... Kids of separated parents benefit SO much from having parents who get on well with each other. You'd die for your kids probably - so I am betting that actually you are also willing to suck up doing things that make your ex happy, if you can see that by doing so ultimately your kids are the winners.

Do the extended family have work commitments or other immovable stuff that means the weekend can't change? Or is it just family tradition.

I know my view will be unpopular. But I think it's worth losing a few battles to achieve the all important truce, that ultimately benefits the kids.