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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband has met someone else

449 replies

AnnaP81 · 19/02/2024 00:48

So this evening, my husband told me he’s ‘met’ someone else. We’ve been married 15 years this year. 2 children (11&9).

Our relationship hasn’t been great for a couple of years. He struggles with his mental health, there have been numerous gaps in our household (both work but I do majority of household/mental load). I know I’ve let resentment build in this time and haven’t fully communicated it as he can get quite defensive when asked to share the load and can then have a spell where he doesn’t get out of bed for a couple of days so I end up doing it all myself anyway. I’ve found it tough feeling I can’t be ill/break down as I can’t rely on him to pick up the load.

This time last year, as a household, we were bringing in £110k so quite a comfortable lifestyle although we live in the south east and have a large mortgage. In September he had a major breakdown (apparently due to work stress) was signed off sick for 4 months and started a new job 6 weeks ago with a 50% pay cut. During this time I’ve had the stress of working, juggling the finances whilst he was off sick and dealing with the children whilst he focused on exercising, meditation and reading to help him recover. Apart from my family, only a couple of other people have asked me if I’m ok.

This evening, he’s told me he’s met someone else. Someone he’s been friends with for a while (mainly online) but feelings have developed over the past few weeks. He said he was out with her last night (he told me he was having a uni mate reunion), they’ve kissed but not had sex.

I was shocked and didn’t ask loads of questions as couldn’t quite get my head round it all. I know things haven’t been great between us but I think I’m burnt out and haven’t had the mental capacity to tackle that as a priority amongst everything else that has been going on. Separating would break my kids hearts and we’d have to sell our house and downsize and I’m not even sure either of us would be able to buy our own houses given the cost of houses here.

In our chat, he did say that this other woman lives 3hrs away so it’s not like he’s planning on moving in with her (she is divorced and has a young child too).He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys but I really don’t think I could do that. I feel like he wants his housemaid (me) here to run the household, support him financially (now that he’s taken a 50% paycut) whilst he has a long distance with occasional meet up affair.

I need to speak to him tomorrow but don’t know what I should be asking him. I don’t know if this is all associated with his breakdown. If we do separate, I’m now the higher earner (since he’s given up his professional career) and have local family support so will be best placed to set up with the kids. I do worry though, that if we separate and this new relationship breaks down, he’ll spiral downwards again (he has mentioned suicide in the past).

I plan on talking to my sister tomorrow but can’t face telling my parents yet. Don’t know whether I should be pretending all is ok for a while and see how things pan out over the next few weeks. Don’t know whether I should be fighting and say we should have counselling to see if we can get back on track or if we’ve passed the point of no return. Don’t know whether I should agree to remain in the household for the kids and financial stability. Or whether I should demand a divorce, sell the house, split the assets and start again, knowing that we’d both struggle to buy a house on a single income and our kids lifestyles would be dramatically changed.

I’m not planning on making a rash decision. He said I could go away and have some space or he would go for a few days if I wanted him to. It’s half term here so the kids would ask questions if one of us wasn’t around.

Any advice on next steps?

OP posts:
Ramalangadingdong · 19/02/2024 15:42

Oh, and please don't worry about his mental health. But please take care of your own. We are all more fragile than we know.

Alargeoneplease89 · 19/02/2024 15:45

Honestly, what a bastard. You have been the glue to the family and put up with his selective depression/ stress. (In my opinion most people having a breakdown aren't thinking with their dick). Add salt to injury he's not sure he wants to move in with said woman.

Put yourself and children first - I have no doubt he will threaten suicide when he realises he's made a stupid mistake and please don't be fooled into it. You and your children deserve better.

BobbyBiscuits · 19/02/2024 15:48

OK, so he's so massively emotionally vulnerable that he feels the compulsion to go out of his way to cheat on you with someone he's known for months online (meditation my arse) and she lives 3 hours away. So don't worry love, it's not like I'm moving in with her?!
Absolute shite of way to behave. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? If he assured you he would never speak to or see her again else he's out, would you forgive him? But he doesn't seem to be begging forgiveness by a long stretch, more telling you in the manner of oh, I've got a new hobby btw.
This really takes the biscuit OP.

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/02/2024 15:48

(In my opinion most people having a breakdown aren't thinking with their dick).

I agree, @Alargeoneplease89 - most people experiencing depression also suffer a very low libido because of it.

BetterWithPockets · 19/02/2024 15:54

Suchagroovyguy · 19/02/2024 09:03

Sure that post is reasonable, etc. But it gives him all the power. All the power to decide the future. I personally think the OP needs to tell him he’s already made his choice by cheating on his wife and he can go and lay in that particularly seedy little bed now he’s made it.

Show quote history

Very fair point re giving him all the power. I guess the OP needs to decide what she wants…

LucieHudson · 19/02/2024 16:01

My heart goes out to you.
I don’t feel nearly as indignant as many of the other posters. Perhaps because I relate to your situation or perhaps because I know these things are far more complicated than being solved by the nuclear option.

you have children to consider, you are already feeling run down yourself and you can’t afford to downsize to anything matching your current situation.

Your husband has been in poor mental health and so it’s likely he’s looking for quick fixes to his misery whether that’s in drinking, Ironman triathlon or taking up with another woman. But I can imagine that, perhaps with a bit of counselling, he could be in a very different headspace a year from now.

I'm not suggesting you should take up the slack or be his hand maiden at all. I’m suggesting you lay down some very clear hard and fast boundaries that come from a place of self respect.

  1. that you attend counselling together with a skilled therapist so he can see the load you are carrying
  2. That instead of breaking up your family unit immediately, he provides a minimum contribution to the household in terms of time, effort and/or money
  3. in a year’s time you re-evaluate the living situation
  4. he meets his needs appropriately and not destructively to others in the arms of a woman outside the marriage
if he flouts any of these (or whatever you deem reasonable) then it is the end of the marriage - and the prognosis is certainly worse for unmarried men (and fathers) than for women in terms of health and well-being.

But I certainly would not rush into a divorce, house sale and years of mess that all of that will bring until you feel you have the energy to face it and that you can also be there properly for your children.

as the child of a broken home- it is the gift that keeps giving a new load of crap so better to see what things look like a year from now than press the nuclear button on everyone’s current life.

if he wants to leave prior to that and does not like your terms then he will have to man up and get himself equipped and strong enough to do so so that he does not become a burden to you.

very best 🤗

LuluBlakey1 · 19/02/2024 16:02

It's really noticeable that at no point do you say/sound like you love him, are devastated and want to stay together. You sound weary, fed-up and sick of him. I would be too. You're making the right decision.

AlphariusOmegron · 19/02/2024 16:05

Get a mediator and or couples therapy - even if you break up this is the right thing to do to make sure you do it thoughtfully - not like the frankly terrible advice you are getting here.

You need to do the right thing for everyone, especially your children, and that takes guts and effort.

Also quick clue to anyone telling you to chuck his stuff out - he owns half of everything you own and he is just as important to your kids as you are, you will split everything 50/50 including the kids if you split up. So do not do this lightly.

LakieLady · 19/02/2024 16:05

So sorry you're going through this, OP. But this gave me the rage:

"He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys"

I bet he fucking does! He still wants to play daddy and live in the family home, with you doing all the grunt work, making a bigger contribution financially and probably in every other way too, while he fucks off to play hide the sausage with his bit on the side whenever he feels like it.

That's such a pisstake it's an insult to your intelligence and shows what little regard he has for everything you bring to the marriage. I'd find it harder to forgive than the infidelity, tbh. It's just so bloody disrespectful.

I'd be packing his bags, but I also realise that I have a very low tolerance threshold and that ending a longish marriage with children involved is a very big step.

Whatever you decide, I hope things work out as well for you and your boys as they possibly can.

JadziaD · 19/02/2024 16:11

LakieLady · 19/02/2024 16:05

So sorry you're going through this, OP. But this gave me the rage:

"He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys"

I bet he fucking does! He still wants to play daddy and live in the family home, with you doing all the grunt work, making a bigger contribution financially and probably in every other way too, while he fucks off to play hide the sausage with his bit on the side whenever he feels like it.

That's such a pisstake it's an insult to your intelligence and shows what little regard he has for everything you bring to the marriage. I'd find it harder to forgive than the infidelity, tbh. It's just so bloody disrespectful.

I'd be packing his bags, but I also realise that I have a very low tolerance threshold and that ending a longish marriage with children involved is a very big step.

Whatever you decide, I hope things work out as well for you and your boys as they possibly can.

Yeah, obviously, you should be telling him that if you are going to stay in the house and attempt to co-parent while living together, you'll need to adjust finances and chores accordingly. So he will have to start paying like he's a housemate (not a partner), which means 50%. Plus of course you won't be cooking/cleaning for him and shared spaces will need to be on a rota. Ditto, childcare on the agreed days that are his will have to be 100% his and vice versa etc.

OVienna · 19/02/2024 16:13

LucieHudson · 19/02/2024 16:01

My heart goes out to you.
I don’t feel nearly as indignant as many of the other posters. Perhaps because I relate to your situation or perhaps because I know these things are far more complicated than being solved by the nuclear option.

you have children to consider, you are already feeling run down yourself and you can’t afford to downsize to anything matching your current situation.

Your husband has been in poor mental health and so it’s likely he’s looking for quick fixes to his misery whether that’s in drinking, Ironman triathlon or taking up with another woman. But I can imagine that, perhaps with a bit of counselling, he could be in a very different headspace a year from now.

I'm not suggesting you should take up the slack or be his hand maiden at all. I’m suggesting you lay down some very clear hard and fast boundaries that come from a place of self respect.

  1. that you attend counselling together with a skilled therapist so he can see the load you are carrying
  2. That instead of breaking up your family unit immediately, he provides a minimum contribution to the household in terms of time, effort and/or money
  3. in a year’s time you re-evaluate the living situation
  4. he meets his needs appropriately and not destructively to others in the arms of a woman outside the marriage
if he flouts any of these (or whatever you deem reasonable) then it is the end of the marriage - and the prognosis is certainly worse for unmarried men (and fathers) than for women in terms of health and well-being.

But I certainly would not rush into a divorce, house sale and years of mess that all of that will bring until you feel you have the energy to face it and that you can also be there properly for your children.

as the child of a broken home- it is the gift that keeps giving a new load of crap so better to see what things look like a year from now than press the nuclear button on everyone’s current life.

if he wants to leave prior to that and does not like your terms then he will have to man up and get himself equipped and strong enough to do so so that he does not become a burden to you.

very best 🤗

I have some sympathy for this. Only the OP will really know if this is avoiding the inevitable. And considering his behaviour before his 'break down' of sulking for days when asked to do anything, I'd cut my losses. She could even end up in a situation where she's paying maintenance to HIM if her job continues to grow but he 'can't work.'

I'd also do anything to avoid a break-up in secondary school. SATs is nothing, you want the older one to be as settled as possible in time for GCSEs.

HarrietStyles · 19/02/2024 16:15

Any advice on next steps?
Yes - go see a shit hot lawyer, the best you can afford. Don’t tell him.

They always play the mental health card, throw the word suicide into the conversation. 99% of the time this is all utter bullshit! It is their clever tactic to try make themself the victim, attempt to make you feel sorry instead of angry with them, minimise their blame, and to excuse their terrible behaviour.

He hasn’t been worrying about your mental health has he? So even in the unlikely event he does have any genuine mental health issues……… it is not your problem or your responsibility anymore.

Find your anger.

LeicesterDad · 19/02/2024 16:16

AnnaP81 · 19/02/2024 00:48

So this evening, my husband told me he’s ‘met’ someone else. We’ve been married 15 years this year. 2 children (11&9).

Our relationship hasn’t been great for a couple of years. He struggles with his mental health, there have been numerous gaps in our household (both work but I do majority of household/mental load). I know I’ve let resentment build in this time and haven’t fully communicated it as he can get quite defensive when asked to share the load and can then have a spell where he doesn’t get out of bed for a couple of days so I end up doing it all myself anyway. I’ve found it tough feeling I can’t be ill/break down as I can’t rely on him to pick up the load.

This time last year, as a household, we were bringing in £110k so quite a comfortable lifestyle although we live in the south east and have a large mortgage. In September he had a major breakdown (apparently due to work stress) was signed off sick for 4 months and started a new job 6 weeks ago with a 50% pay cut. During this time I’ve had the stress of working, juggling the finances whilst he was off sick and dealing with the children whilst he focused on exercising, meditation and reading to help him recover. Apart from my family, only a couple of other people have asked me if I’m ok.

This evening, he’s told me he’s met someone else. Someone he’s been friends with for a while (mainly online) but feelings have developed over the past few weeks. He said he was out with her last night (he told me he was having a uni mate reunion), they’ve kissed but not had sex.

I was shocked and didn’t ask loads of questions as couldn’t quite get my head round it all. I know things haven’t been great between us but I think I’m burnt out and haven’t had the mental capacity to tackle that as a priority amongst everything else that has been going on. Separating would break my kids hearts and we’d have to sell our house and downsize and I’m not even sure either of us would be able to buy our own houses given the cost of houses here.

In our chat, he did say that this other woman lives 3hrs away so it’s not like he’s planning on moving in with her (she is divorced and has a young child too).He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys but I really don’t think I could do that. I feel like he wants his housemaid (me) here to run the household, support him financially (now that he’s taken a 50% paycut) whilst he has a long distance with occasional meet up affair.

I need to speak to him tomorrow but don’t know what I should be asking him. I don’t know if this is all associated with his breakdown. If we do separate, I’m now the higher earner (since he’s given up his professional career) and have local family support so will be best placed to set up with the kids. I do worry though, that if we separate and this new relationship breaks down, he’ll spiral downwards again (he has mentioned suicide in the past).

I plan on talking to my sister tomorrow but can’t face telling my parents yet. Don’t know whether I should be pretending all is ok for a while and see how things pan out over the next few weeks. Don’t know whether I should be fighting and say we should have counselling to see if we can get back on track or if we’ve passed the point of no return. Don’t know whether I should agree to remain in the household for the kids and financial stability. Or whether I should demand a divorce, sell the house, split the assets and start again, knowing that we’d both struggle to buy a house on a single income and our kids lifestyles would be dramatically changed.

I’m not planning on making a rash decision. He said I could go away and have some space or he would go for a few days if I wanted him to. It’s half term here so the kids would ask questions if one of us wasn’t around.

Any advice on next steps?

deleted

LessButBetterThings · 19/02/2024 16:16

I’m sorry this is happening to you OP. But, most of us on here can see, that your DH is as useless as a chocolate teapot.

Your options are;

Divorce him and be a little less better off, or

Stay with him and erode your own self confidence and worth, and have your boys live in a household of sadness and resentment.

He’s no dad to your kids. They’ll be better off with you, just you 3. Your DH is a massive stone hanging around your neck. Honestly, he’s doing you a favour giving you a valid reason to get rid of him. He’s having an affair. You can end it with no guilt. Your DC will be upset for a tiny bit, but then may thrive without him in the house.

You need to save yourself, and your DC now. Surely if he goes, you are entitled to some benefits, some reductions? It may not be as financially problematic as you think.

Keep your powder dry till you know where you financially stand. See a solicitor. Then tell him he’s broken the marriage contract, and it’s now null and void, so he can go to his distance lover, and stay there.

This time next year you could be happier than ever.

bombastix · 19/02/2024 16:16

There is an elegant way to get want you want, and that is to see a solicitor, propose the finances and child arrangements and then divorce.

The first part of the process is a good way to see if the guy is serious re a division and if not, you have made your terms very clear. But you should definitely not accept his myopic idea.

InSpainTheRain · 19/02/2024 16:17

So sorry OP - how awful that you've tried to support and help and carried a massive load; while he has been "getting better" but actually finding someone else. You need to find your anger and look after you and your DC - not him.

This shit will continue forever until you take control by kicking him to the kerb and losing him. You sound like you'd do a lot better on your own, especially as you are the high earner.

tachetastic · 19/02/2024 16:17

AnnaP81 · 19/02/2024 00:48

So this evening, my husband told me he’s ‘met’ someone else. We’ve been married 15 years this year. 2 children (11&9).

Our relationship hasn’t been great for a couple of years. He struggles with his mental health, there have been numerous gaps in our household (both work but I do majority of household/mental load). I know I’ve let resentment build in this time and haven’t fully communicated it as he can get quite defensive when asked to share the load and can then have a spell where he doesn’t get out of bed for a couple of days so I end up doing it all myself anyway. I’ve found it tough feeling I can’t be ill/break down as I can’t rely on him to pick up the load.

This time last year, as a household, we were bringing in £110k so quite a comfortable lifestyle although we live in the south east and have a large mortgage. In September he had a major breakdown (apparently due to work stress) was signed off sick for 4 months and started a new job 6 weeks ago with a 50% pay cut. During this time I’ve had the stress of working, juggling the finances whilst he was off sick and dealing with the children whilst he focused on exercising, meditation and reading to help him recover. Apart from my family, only a couple of other people have asked me if I’m ok.

This evening, he’s told me he’s met someone else. Someone he’s been friends with for a while (mainly online) but feelings have developed over the past few weeks. He said he was out with her last night (he told me he was having a uni mate reunion), they’ve kissed but not had sex.

I was shocked and didn’t ask loads of questions as couldn’t quite get my head round it all. I know things haven’t been great between us but I think I’m burnt out and haven’t had the mental capacity to tackle that as a priority amongst everything else that has been going on. Separating would break my kids hearts and we’d have to sell our house and downsize and I’m not even sure either of us would be able to buy our own houses given the cost of houses here.

In our chat, he did say that this other woman lives 3hrs away so it’s not like he’s planning on moving in with her (she is divorced and has a young child too).He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys but I really don’t think I could do that. I feel like he wants his housemaid (me) here to run the household, support him financially (now that he’s taken a 50% paycut) whilst he has a long distance with occasional meet up affair.

I need to speak to him tomorrow but don’t know what I should be asking him. I don’t know if this is all associated with his breakdown. If we do separate, I’m now the higher earner (since he’s given up his professional career) and have local family support so will be best placed to set up with the kids. I do worry though, that if we separate and this new relationship breaks down, he’ll spiral downwards again (he has mentioned suicide in the past).

I plan on talking to my sister tomorrow but can’t face telling my parents yet. Don’t know whether I should be pretending all is ok for a while and see how things pan out over the next few weeks. Don’t know whether I should be fighting and say we should have counselling to see if we can get back on track or if we’ve passed the point of no return. Don’t know whether I should agree to remain in the household for the kids and financial stability. Or whether I should demand a divorce, sell the house, split the assets and start again, knowing that we’d both struggle to buy a house on a single income and our kids lifestyles would be dramatically changed.

I’m not planning on making a rash decision. He said I could go away and have some space or he would go for a few days if I wanted him to. It’s half term here so the kids would ask questions if one of us wasn’t around.

Any advice on next steps?

I think I am just confirming what everybody else has said, but maybe better to hear it one more time.

Your DH is a grown man. He has made his choice to pursue a relationship with another woman, and now he needs to respect you and the consequences of that decision. He needs to move out immediately. He needs to find accommodation for himself that he can afford, and that also allows him to contribute fully to his children's housing, food, clothes and all the responsibilities that come with being a father. How he does this is his responsibility. Not yours. Sounds like he may need to cut down on the meditation and reading, and consider asking for that better paid job back.

What he cannot expect you to do is to continue to live with him, to clean the house where he lives, to do the shopping and cooking for the food that he eats, to watch TV quietly while he texts his new girlfriend, or to act in front of the children as if nothing has changed. He doesn't have the right to expect you to be willing to look at him never mind be in the same house as him.

I suggest you take him up on his offer for him to go away for a few days, and while he is gone, pack up his things and when he gets back tell him he needs to leave. I am sure he can find a friend or family member that could put him up for a few days until he finds a suitable flat. That's his problem.

Do not take him up on the offer for you to go away for a few days. You need to be the one with your children right now.

Do not countersign or act as guarantor for any lease.

He then needs to come round and explain to your children that he still loves them very much, and he will always make sure they have everything they need, but he has decided that he doesn't want to be married to you anymore and so he is moving out of your home so that he can spend more time with his new girlfriend. He is very sorry for any upset this causes for them, and he will always love them, but this is something he has decided he wants to do. He should then give them both a hug and leave. This is on him to do.

I wonder if his new girlfriend will be quite so interested in a blubbering wreck of a man living in a bedsit asking if she can do his laundry and cook his dinner while he reads a self-help manual but, you know, that's what happens when married men are given internet access.

HollaHolla · 19/02/2024 16:21

You poor thing. What a shock to you all, and what a cheek he has in expecting you to still keep house, etc., and let him carry on his affair.
It sounds like you would manage absolutely fine without him, and, although I know that the financial aspect would be challenging, he will have to continue to pay something towards his kids.
Good luck with your thinking, and decision making.

tachetastic · 19/02/2024 16:22

And as some others have said, speak to your solicitor NOW and get your ducks in a row.

If you have a joint bank account, transfer any money in it into your own bank account and make sure no more of your money/salary is paid into it. I am not saying leave him penniless, but do this before he does it at the suggestion of his new woman.

NonPlayerCharacter · 19/02/2024 16:29

If you're going to live as housemates then he'll have to pay 50% of all bills, wash his own pants and make his own dinner.

BruFord · 19/02/2024 16:31

@LucieHudson I appreciate your point, although as the child of a father with MH problems and similar behavior, I wish my Mum had divorced him when she’d reached the end of her tether ( I was 14 when she considered divorce). She gave him another chance though and although his behavior improved somewhat because he was afraid she’d do it, he was still a millstone. She died and he went on to be a pain to my lovely step-Mum. Now I’m the one propping him up and being blamed for everything!

Original poster
AnnaP81 · 19/02/2024 16:32

In terms of his MH, he’s suffered from depression and anxiety for a number of years. Been on medication, tried to come off a few times, accepts he’ll be on it for life.

I don’t believe he orchestrated his breakdown in September. He was a teacher and always struggled mentally with the back to school (would always have sickness in the first couple of weeks but as he grew into the term he’d improve). He changed job role/schools in Sep ‘22 (against my advice) as he wasn’t happy/had had lots of time off where he was. Turned out the grass wasn’t greener and the new role/school broke him. After the last summer holidays he couldn’t face going back. Wanted a less stressful role etc.

In terms of suicide risk, he’s never been on the edge of a bridge or anything. He’s said a couple of times he’s had very dark thoughts and saw that as a way out but said he would never do it to me or the boys. When he saw the GP in September, he was referred to the MH crisis team due to things he said but he was discharged pretty quickly.

It’s been clear that neither of us are happy for a while but I guess I thought that once things had settled down, we might have a chance to reconnect.

In terms of finances, I’ve dealt with all that so know what’s what. We don’t really have any savings so the main assets would be the equity in the house and pensions. We’re 2 years into a low 5 year fix (1.5%) with a hefty early repayment charge (14k). Not sure on equity but perhaps around £260k. Sounds great but split 50:50, I’m still not sure that deposit would be enough to buy much where we live now (not much below £400k).

I think I’d be due a share of his pension as we both have public sector schemes but he’s always worked full time whilst I’ve had maternity leave/part time working whilst the kids were younger. I’m actually not so bothered about this as I still have time to build up a good pension in my own right before retirement age.

I’m going to get some advice this week, and go from there. I’m pretty sure we’re done but just need to work out where I want to be and the best steps to get there. Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
SauronsArsehole · 19/02/2024 16:35

Nah I’m calling it. Cynical me.

He didn’t have a breakdown. Men who have breakdowns don’t decide they’ve found someone else. The find someone else then ‘breakdown’ to mitigate the fallout and play the poor injured animal. He’s groomed you for years with the days in bed to cope. .

he’s engineered leaving you for another woman and stage one was cutting his wages so he’d have to pay you less child support/get more in the divorce.

he hasn’t stepped up. Not even when things were good.

he checked out the second he met this woman. The ‘stress’ is him not wanting to be with you and seeing you as a chore, a shackle. It’s funny how almost all cheating men get signed off for stress.

He ain’t worth it.

OodlesPoodle · 19/02/2024 16:40

He sounds awful. Not just the cheating but his general self absorbed attitude towards you and life. Not a great role model for your kids and a shitty partner to you. It doesn't seem like it now but this is the universe giving you the kick up the bum you need to dump him and start afresh.

Re: the house. Look, I know everyone think you need to own for it to be worthwhile but you don't. You can sell up and move to a rental to give you and the kids some stability, have time to process the change and time to save up. It will take a lot of stress out of the decision to split, knowing you can hop in and out of a rental anytime. Your kids will be happier in a rental with a mum who is happy and free of the burden that was their dad, than i a house with you withering away.

You can't see it but being with this man will take a toll on your health, shorten your life span as you'll be so unhappy and feel trapped and generally have a worse of quality of life than divorcing. Kids don't thrive with the material possessions, they thrive having supportive parents, happy parents, and learning early on to be resilient - that there is hope after the darkness.

Leave him to his online sex pal - he can be the millstone around HER neck. You've got decades ahead of you, a career, kids, the option to rent, the option to move anywhere you want. He will always be thoroughly dependent on other people to prop him up. You can and will do better.

ThisOldTrout · 19/02/2024 16:41

You have got to have a final talk with your spouse. You've got to be strong, explicit and clear. We are only getting your story. In a quiet moment take a sheet of paper and write down all your thoughts, write down what you think has gone wrong, write down if you think there is any movement on all of this, going forward what you want to happen, what your gut reaction is to how things will pan out. Depending on the outcome of this discussion..you say you cannot live with what he is proposing..which is having his cake and eating it. You say you've been the one holding it all together and you give the impression he will happily go on with the status quo of you doing that while he plays away. Well, some women... and men settle for that for their children's sake..you say that you can't do that. So if you are clear on that you deliver an ultimatum, the affair stops and you get counselling and try and sort your future out together. If that's not negotiable and he will not give this woman up or he carries on in secret behind your back then you put plan B in motion. You ask him to leave and you start proceedings. You could ask him to move out temporarily while you and he think about this..HE moves out, not you youre not open to offers. Talk to your Best Friend too get their slant on it no need to tell others yet or talk to your children, theyvare too young, dont row in front of them either. It's more than likely that you will have to reduce your outgoings and the house will have to be sold. You will have to find somewhere cheaper, you may have to reduce your work hours or pay for childcare. He will have to pay maintenance for the children. Please don't be too sympathetic, he should have seen this coming and you'll need to point out that if this is the line of action that he pushes you into there will be no way back as he cannot expect you to put up with this intolerable position of him seeing this woman as a mistress. It's not happening, it's totally disrespectful after all you've done to keep things going and you arnt putting up with it. Yes you'll take a lifestyle plunge, your foreign holiday will go out the window, you'll swap Waitrose for Aldi etc...that's just stuff, its about happiness this and you can't buy that. Hope this helps.