Husband has met someone else

[AnnaP81]

So this evening, my husband told me he’s ‘met’ someone else. We’ve been married 15 years this year. 2 children (11&9).

Our relationship hasn’t been great for a couple of years. He struggles with his mental health, there have been numerous gaps in our household (both work but I do majority of household/mental load). I know I’ve let resentment build in this time and haven’t fully communicated it as he can get quite defensive when asked to share the load and can then have a spell where he doesn’t get out of bed for a couple of days so I end up doing it all myself anyway. I’ve found it tough feeling I can’t be ill/break down as I can’t rely on him to pick up the load.

This time last year, as a household, we were bringing in £110k so quite a comfortable lifestyle although we live in the south east and have a large mortgage. In September he had a major breakdown (apparently due to work stress) was signed off sick for 4 months and started a new job 6 weeks ago with a 50% pay cut. During this time I’ve had the stress of working, juggling the finances whilst he was off sick and dealing with the children whilst he focused on exercising, meditation and reading to help him recover. Apart from my family, only a couple of other people have asked me if I’m ok.

This evening, he’s told me he’s met someone else. Someone he’s been friends with for a while (mainly online) but feelings have developed over the past few weeks. He said he was out with her last night (he told me he was having a uni mate reunion), they’ve kissed but not had sex.

I was shocked and didn’t ask loads of questions as couldn’t quite get my head round it all. I know things haven’t been great between us but I think I’m burnt out and haven’t had the mental capacity to tackle that as a priority amongst everything else that has been going on. Separating would break my kids hearts and we’d have to sell our house and downsize and I’m not even sure either of us would be able to buy our own houses given the cost of houses here.

In our chat, he did say that this other woman lives 3hrs away so it’s not like he’s planning on moving in with her (she is divorced and has a young child too).He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys but I really don’t think I could do that. I feel like he wants his housemaid (me) here to run the household, support him financially (now that he’s taken a 50% paycut) whilst he has a long distance with occasional meet up affair.

I need to speak to him tomorrow but don’t know what I should be asking him. I don’t know if this is all associated with his breakdown. If we do separate, I’m now the higher earner (since he’s given up his professional career) and have local family support so will be best placed to set up with the kids. I do worry though, that if we separate and this new relationship breaks down, he’ll spiral downwards again (he has mentioned suicide in the past).

I plan on talking to my sister tomorrow but can’t face telling my parents yet. Don’t know whether I should be pretending all is ok for a while and see how things pan out over the next few weeks. Don’t know whether I should be fighting and say we should have counselling to see if we can get back on track or if we’ve passed the point of no return. Don’t know whether I should agree to remain in the household for the kids and financial stability. Or whether I should demand a divorce, sell the house, split the assets and start again, knowing that we’d both struggle to buy a house on a single income and our kids lifestyles would be dramatically changed.

I’m not planning on making a rash decision. He said I could go away and have some space or he would go for a few days if I wanted him to. It’s half term here so the kids would ask questions if one of us wasn’t around.

Any advice on next steps?

Also be prepared for him to suddenly get strong after the other woman is told how mad a bunny boiler you are ( a typical script) and gives him advise ! Act first for you and your kids , tell others in your support network and get advise asap

OP
This is one of the most sensible threads of this type I've read in a while

Ignire the "chick the sit out..." etc etc. I've seen it many times that those that say that are often lost when things like this happen

I'd give credit to your OH for letting you know and reducing the time spent deceiving you as the deceit hurts.

Stay calm, sleep on the on it for several nights, keep on thinking and be prepared for him to come back to you as it often happens

TBH, it is hard and the dynamics will change.

In my judgement the shit who cheats must leave once this has been agreed.

If the above happens, be steadfast, listen to family, digest it, sleep on it but I know you wont but dont make rash decisions or share your thoughts with anyone.

IMO, you are better off without him but at times when the deceiver comes back crying, begging for forgiveness, only you can decide as some do learn their lesson that the grass is not as green on the other side of the hill as they anticipated

He doesn't get a choice over staying. He has decided to be unfaithful and to toy with the possibility of abandoning his wife and children. He needs to experience what it is really like. This means he moves out into a bedsit that he can afford on his new reduced salary, while also contributing towards family expenses, just like if he is a divorcee.

He doesn't sound like much of a catch to be honest, so I am not sure there is anything worth salvaging, but if you think there is then tell him, for the boys' sake, before he moves out you would like a family get away somewhere fun and focussed on them. My cousin did this to her husband. He realised how much he would be missing and decided to pull his weight within the relationship and family. They have been happily married for 10 years since then.

Two words. Fuck. That. He’s left the lions share of the household duties to you because of his mental health, he’s concentrated on getting himself well after his ‘breakdown’ - it seems mainly at your expense. He has whole days in bed and he’s developed a defensive attitude so he doesn’t get asked to help. Then to top the lot after you supporting him through this shit, he’s found another woman who lives too far away for him to move in with, so he wants to carry on living with you for convenience - no thought for either you or his children. Surely you can’t be seriously considering this ?

Tell him to get his stuff together and leave, or you’ll end up effectively being his maid. This is abut the worst cheeky fuckery I’ve seen on MN - who does he think he is ? You’re better off without him OP - he and his OW deserve each other. This is your chance to escape the selfish dick, take it.

Pretty much this!

As soon as OW is ready for him (perhaps after you’ve mended his mental state), he’ll be off without a backward glance.

And 3 hours away, where he can provide no meaningful support for your children.

Cut him off!

He was not well enough to stay in work for 4 months but has been well enough to chat up another woman online

This. He’s hedging his bets, having you do all the work while he gets to stay in the family home .And he plans on swanning off cheating with his girlfriend when he pleases. Delusional.
I can’t see that lasting once she sees what he’s really like.
I hope you can get him out of the house and out of your life too. It’s tough, but a brighter future awaits.

You are his mummy. At least thats what he thinks. You have taken so much off him that all he sees you as is someone to make his life easier. A dose of reality will do him some good. Please don't go easy on him because of his mental health. That hasn't worked so far, has it?

It sounds like he’s had a breakdown and the new woman is handy as she doesn’t know all those annoying nitty gritty details that would completely put her off him.

It’s easy to say ‘get rid’ as he sounds completely useless currently, but I assume there was a time when he was working hard and contributing to family life? Was there a trigger for everything coming tumbling down?

I’m hope it’s ok to tell you this . I deal with divorces daily ( work ) and you are in shock . You will come out if it in the coming few days and hopefully see things clearly . You need to divorce him , you pretty much dealt with things in your own for a while so you are 100% capable of doing so . He is using his MH issues to cheat , there is no excuses , there is no alternative to his behaviour that you won’t regret in the future . Your children inky have one stable parent , that’s you . Do not go down to his level by pretending your marriage . You deserve love , you deserve a partner , your children deserve a mother that will keep her stability and self love .

This very similar to my situation 30 years ago, I had spent 20 years supporting and bolstering my husbands confidence, and trying to shield him from any stress, only to find he had been seeing someone else for 4 years, he thought I would never divorce him as I was devoted to him. I did try to rebuild the trust, but his affair restarted, if it had ever stopped. So I got an appointment with a solicitor, and started the divorce ball rolling. What a shock for the poor fragile man!
It was the best thing I ever did, my life was greatly improved, even though I earned a lot less than him, I was financially
better off, as I was better at managing money. Looking back, there were lots of things wrong with our relationship, but I was blinded by love and didn't notice how he took advantage of my good will and naivety.
He didn't improve, and let down my sons endlessly. I used to think well he must have reached rock bottom now, but he always surprised us with worse behaviour.
Get out now, while your mental health is still intact and give your children the stability they need.

Reversed roles, my mum cheated on my dad and he did not want a divorce as would have meant taking us out of schools where we had scholarships.

She continued the affair and they lived in separate bedrooms. Quite damaging as I never had the full story and have pieced it together, their stories never quite match. Her mental health went to shit, she was useless and disengaged as a mum during that time.

When I was 18 they got divorced and lo and behold she sorted it all out as she had to, in order to pay bills, live etc.

So you would just likely be enabling quite a damaging situation, never mind denying your own happiness and denying your children the chance to develop relationships with you as individual parents. This is important as if you stay together for the sake of kids then split at 18 your kids will still need you, but you will be wanting to build your own life as a single person, I don't feel like either of my parents were there in my early 20s at all.

The financial thing may hurt, but it will hurt whenever it happens and earlier gives you a longer shot at making up the losses.

Probably besides the point but why oh why does everyone have "mental health" issues these days?!?!!?!?1

Haven’t RTFT, but I agree with your update, OP. Get your ducks in a row and start the process of separating.

Don’t be surprised when he bleats that he “can’t cope” with separating though. He wants you to continue enabling him and will probably use emotional blackmail to try and change your mind. Stay strong and do what’s best for YOU and your children. He’s betrayed you and don’t deserve your sympathy.💐

If he insists on continuing to live with you I'd suggest

1. Go ahead and divorce him, make sure property shares are properly calculated
2. Make sure he's paying his fair share of everything.
3. Stop shopping/cooking/cleaning/doing laundry for him
4. Ignore his attempts to manipulate you by playing on his "mental illness" I really doubt this is a new online relationship and his emotional involvement with her is probably why he has been acting as he has been.

Hopefully he will realise you're not the pushover he thought you were and move out.

This is a very good point

From experience, I'd say that the first thing you need to do is collate your financial information for the last few years, as another poster has suggested. Do that before all the documents mysteriously disappear and it becomes difficult to prove what you have put into the household.

Tell your family what has been going on and ask them to safely store all of your essential documents: passports, birth certificates, qualification certificates; everything that is difficult, expensive or just a pain to replace. If there are items that have special meaning to you, have those stored as well.

As others have said, let your network know about his behaviour, throw him out/ tell him he needs to move out, and seek legal advice.

I'd say, based on his previous behaviour, you might need to watch out for parental alienation tactics, as he certainly likes to appear the hard-done-by one whilst making you the responsible one/ bad guy. Talk to friends and family about how you will tell your kids and maintain that account across the board. They need to know that you are not the mean one or at fault for the split, but are putting them first.

So sorry you are facing this, OP.

He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys but I really don’t think I could do that. I feel like he wants his housemaid (me) here to run the household, support him financially (now that he’s taken a 50% paycut) whilst he has a long distance with occasional meet up affair.

He's a deluded fool, take no notice of his shit talk. So many of them go like this, they want to shag the girlfriend whilst keeping the wife onside to run the home, family and their lives. Yours even wants financial subsidy from you.

Dear God. I'm sorry. This must be a hell of a shock.

But reach deep into your anger and outrage. It's there under the hurt. Throw him out, if you can, and start right away on financial advice, divorce proceedings and setting up a secure home for you and your children that he can't destroy. Eta: Ah, I can see you're doing just that. Well done.

Don't listen to any shite of his, at all. He's done it now. No sex? A likely story. How many of them say that? Too many, and they are liars. Sex or not, he's 'found' her so he can ship out right away, before he has time to make a cosy nest with her.

None of this is your fault. None of it.

Good advice@tkwal I agree that he’s highly likely to try and use his mental health to persuade the OP to continue enabling him. She needs to stay strong when this starts, because he’s selfish.

I had a close friend in a similar position. It was very tough. Ultimately the priority has to be you and the children. He clearly has issues and I personally wonder if this woman even knows he is married and breaking up his family? I strongly suspect (as wth my friend), that this new relationship will fail quite quickly and he will struggle to understand why he then cannot simply step back to his wife and kids. Hard as it is you need to be resolute cut and cut clear and get on with your life. Yes he may have mental health issues but that does not make his behaviour any less traumatic for you or the children. You also need to be strong for whatever the spiral downwards from here means. In my friends case her ex faced eviction and eventually being sectioned. The impact on the children was awful but she stayed strong. Alternative was chaos for the children and mom being treated like a doormat.

He's no great catch - throw him back!

Get your ducks neatly lined up, tell your family what is happening, consult a good lawyer and divorce the fecker.

Let his GF have him (she probably won't want him either - tough).

Don't take him back no matter what he threatens (suicide) or promises (to change), because neither of these things are likely to happen. Your children and your own mental health and self-esteem are what are important - you can't protect any of these if you let this lazy, selfish, entitled man continue to treat you as a housekeeper and money-tree.

Your boys will notice, no matter how much you try to protect them - they may not know what's going on but they'll know things aren't right. Don't put them - or yourself - through this purgatory. You deserve better and can have it when you release the millstone from around your neck.

I know it's hard to break free, but it will be so worth it in the long run, as others have confirmed.

Edit for spelling

He said I could go away and have some space or he would go for a few days if I wanted him to.

What a prince! 😡

The first post nailed it.

He sounds like a massive pain in the arse.

It must be a terrible shock now, but I think the future without him will be bright!

Talk to your mum and sister. You need their support.

Stop fulfilling any wife duties immediately.

Consult a lawyer. It will be worth the cost. You will no doubt continue to do the bulk of the childcare and will need more than 50% of the assets to achieve this.

This man is taking the piss; mentally his struggles are likely limited to angst about not having domestic support and loss of face as the bad guy. He does not sound very special, he sounds like someone who is playing the situation for his own advantage and setting you up as the official mummy maid with his mistress on the side. Do not fall for it; speak to a lawyer, get your financial needs set out and then take some control back. Your life will be the better for it.

He will make a lightning recovery once he finds another woman to meet his domestic needs so don't be a mug.

Do this

“I ring your friends and family and tell them what has happened as you need some real life support from them. I gather up all yours and his financial details including pension details and get good legal advice re a divorce. Tell the solicitor about what has happened and how you been financially carrying him for years. Show the amount you paid for the house down payment and the amount you paid each month for the mortgage. Give all the dates your husband was out of work due to mental health to show the level of financial support you gave him. You need to walk away with as much as possible financially or get a bigger share of the house value for you and your children”

and also get some counselling for yourself . Your own mental and physical health is the most important thing now, as that keep stability for the children.

please don’t waste your energy on trying to fix him / work out what he means etc. put yourself first for a change.

I'm so sorry this has happened.
I have severe mental health issues which have flared up over the past year. Things are not great with DH and me but I could not look at another person. I feel ill and depressed I honestly don't know how anyone who feels like I do now would want to kiss or have sex with another person.
Have you both been to therapy during your time together?