Likelihood of 50/50 for 3 year old?

[Hopelessnessness]

Dad wants 50-50 to start now, basically 5 days at a time with each parent.
Son has lived almost entirely with me for over a year due to dad being in unsuitable temporary accommodation until now (though son is already every other weekend and half holidays with dad, often with his parents).
I think we should progress towards 50/50 once son starts reception, but do 60/40 til then (every other weekend, midweek overnight, Hal;f holidays) to give son time to adjust to new arrangements. If it had to be 50/50, I’d prefer more frequent changeover due to son’s age.
Terrible communication between us at present - I keep holding out an olive branch but he refuses to engage.
Think we’re likely to go all the way to final hearing in London courts. Anyone have recent experience of what a likely outcome would be?

I would say that considering his age, it is likely that more frequent change over is better to ensure good communication until this improves between the two of you or your son is able to communicate with you himself. If he lives with you then without a court decision it is your parent responsibility to decide.

Thank you. Yes I agree more frequent change, if it HAS to be 50/50. But what I wondering is what are the chances of the Court agreeing with my suggestion of 60/40 until school age, when dad is asking to 50/50 and change over every 5 days?

I would disagree with more frequent change actually

thsts to benefit YOU as you’ll miss him ( of course). Your child would probably settle better with less chopping and changing and young children usually live in the moment and have an out of sight out of mind sort of way which means they’re less affected that is as adults are

a court will agree 50:50 if they believe it can be managed well and there’s no real barrier to it

If he gets used to 60/40 then upheaval of getting used to 50/50 as well as the transition from nursery/pre school to school

probably not what you want to hear but if he has the consistent 50/50 it will just become the norm to him

I agree, more frequent change overs means they can never really settle in either home. But the communivation has to be there between the parents for it to work

I don’t think it is to benefit me. He’s been used to me being his primary carer for over a year. I think it would be very distressing to him to suddenly start not seeing me for 5 days at a time. I’m not sayig no to 50/50, just that we should progress towards it starting once he is school age. And the communication between me and his dad is terrible, not for want of trying on my part. He won’t even speak to me. But is a court likely to just say 50/50 switching every 5 days anyway?

I genuinely think what I’m suggesting is better for our son. But I’m trying to get a sense of whether it’s worth going to a FH or whether a court will just say 50/50, even at that age, and after such a long time of being mainly with me?

If 50:50 is proposed and there is no logistical issue saying it won’t work then it’s probably going to get agreed. I don’t think children have enough perception of time to tell the difference between 4 days in 10 or 5 days in 10.

Even If I’m saying we should progress towards 50/50 in stages? At the moment he is with dad every other Fri and Sat night. I think we should start adding a midweek overnight once he’s in his new place. Then maybe from the spring, the weekend becomes Friday-Monday. We’re 50/50 over the summer hols anyway, so then it’s another 12 months of 60/40 til he starts school. The other factor is that currently he’s looked after by a family member (paid) while we both work. That’s based in my home. So progressing to 50-50 once he starts school would also mean he can keep his childcare r and not have to go to nursery. But am I fighting a losing battle if court is just going to go with the principle of 50-50? I just thought they might take into account young age before saying he has to suddenly change his childcare and be away from what he’s used to for 5 days at a time.

Will they impose changeover every 5 days even if I ask for 2/2/3 or something like that?

I just feel what he’s asking for is about what he wants, not thinking about how our son actually is. And I’ve tried so hard to build a relationship with him but he just refuses to engage with me (has been verbally abusive too, it’s really horrible). But I don’t want to waste all of the little money I have if there’s no point trying to fight for the outcome I actually think is best for our boy.

You don't have to spend any money. Just attend court, and give the judge your reasons for a gradual build up. Would mediation not work? You can represent yourself.

If there's no safeguarding reason not to have equal care, there's no indication that moving to that immediately would cause harm rather than a staged approach.
However in my experience a judge may be more reluctant to agree a rolling 5 days in a row each for a 3 year old. Particularly if communication is poor. Because the days will change every single week.
Ideally there needs to be a more reliable and structured routine so, for example you always have Monday and Tuesday, dad always has Wednesday and Thursday, you alternate weekends.
So 2-5-5-2 each fortnight.
Also makes it easier for you to plan ahead/arrange your job etc.

I'm a family lawyer and I wish so much that weeks were an even number of days!

Yes that’s the sort of thing he wants, but it means LO suddenly going 5 days at a time not seeing me. also, I wfh two days a week so can have lunch with him etc since his childcare in my home. Putting him in nursery (which dad wants) would mean losing that time and he’d have to do really long nursery days. Plus dad frequently travels for work. But is all your experience that none of this mean anything - they’ll go for 50/50 now rather than waiting til start of reception?

Feel like I may as well give up if there’s no point. Ex has lawyers so I’d be scared of doing it by myself (though looking into mckenzie friend etc).

Is a judge likely to agree 2-5-5-2 even if I say, if it has to be 50/50, I think better to do 2-2-3 or similar?

We had mediation but he cancelled it after 2 sessions. He HATES me. I don’t know why.

How would the 5 on 5 off work with childcare? He would need to pay half the bill then surely (a good thing) as you would both equally need it.

Probably less stressful for the little one if he goes to a proper Nursery, so he has some structure - how odd it would be for him to spend all day at your home monday-friday then leave that home for his other home every night that week.

You need to put your feelings aside (seeing him at lunch etc) for the good of your child.

5 on 5 off doesn’t work with his childcare, that’s my point. He’s been looked after by the same person since he was 3 months old. He’s lived almost entirely with me for over a year. What his dad is suggesting is making him switch to 50/50 at the same time as taking away his longterm childcarer and making him do long nursery days. I’m saying keep a bit more stability, and the existing childcarer, til he starts reception, as was the plan before we split. I don’t see why he should have to suffer all this change. I don’t think that’s putting myself first.

He has a really good routine at the moment, lots of playgroups, lots of other activities. I’m saying we should keep that going while he gets used to separate home. I though the court had to take account of what gives least disruption for the child.

At the moment feels like his dad is insisting on his ‘rights’ but not thinking about what it means for our boy. But maybe the court doesn’t care about any of that and I’m kidding myself!

I think GD was 4 nearly 5 when son finally got sorted out and was awarded 50/50 care saying in the court order child lives with both parents equally
But until she gets a bit older judge did the days on a rolling 2 week programme.
Wk1 Tuesday to dad from school
Wednesday dad to drop at school mum pick up.
Friday dad pick up from school.
Wk1. Monday dad take to school mum pick up.
Wednesday Dad pick up from school
Thursday dad take to school and pick up.
Friday dad take to school mum pick up.

So mum has every Monday evening with her.
Dad doesn't get 1 night that he has her every week - Wednesday would be good for that so she could do an activity on a weekly basis like she gets chance to do with mum.

So although awarded 50/50 care it doesn't work out 50/50 in time spent together because of her age until she can express that she wants this to change.

It was also done this way because of history of violence so most handovers are at school and paths only cross in holidays.
And there are specifics for Xmas (which is a. bit of a back and forth and swopping every year where she wakes up) and birthdays and a chance to go away on 2 non consecutive weeks.
Don't know whether that is of any help.

If you believe you are suggesting a better plan, then go to court and explain that. The judge will not let lawyers give you a hard time as LIP.

@Luddite26 that sounds interesting but I’m not sure I follow completely. Would you mind setting out again? (Sorry and thank you)

@Elfoutthewindow I’ve been thinking about becoming a LiP. Just don’t know if I won’t be giving myself the best shot. But equally it’s all quite straightforward and will come down to what the judge believes…so have been wondering if maybe I could do it. But then I wonder what’s the point of lawyers - surely they exist because they can do a better job than I would?