Likelihood of 50/50 for 3 year old?

[Hopelessnessness]

Dad wants 50-50 to start now, basically 5 days at a time with each parent.
Son has lived almost entirely with me for over a year due to dad being in unsuitable temporary accommodation until now (though son is already every other weekend and half holidays with dad, often with his parents).
I think we should progress towards 50/50 once son starts reception, but do 60/40 til then (every other weekend, midweek overnight, Hal;f holidays) to give son time to adjust to new arrangements. If it had to be 50/50, I’d prefer more frequent changeover due to son’s age.
Terrible communication between us at present - I keep holding out an olive branch but he refuses to engage.
Think we’re likely to go all the way to final hearing in London courts. Anyone have recent experience of what a likely outcome would be?

@wejammin id love any other insight you have as a family lawyer, if you have time to comment again

I completely get where you’re coming from. I think you can make a good argument for what is in your son’s best interests.
Penelope Leach’s book Putting The Children First When You Divorce supports the stance that equal care does not have to mean equal time and it’s about what works for each particular child in their specific situation so yes, all those things you mention, the fact that you have been his primary carer for so long, his familiar childcare etc, are incredibly relevant and important to his life and his emotional and psychological security and hence his development, attachment, future relationships. Five days IS a long time to be away from his mother when you have been constantly with him.
Yes, maybe 50/50 could be made to work along the lines your ex proposes. But it absolutely doesn’t sound to be the best solution for your child. Why should your child have to go through that if it could be avoided? It doesn’t mean your ex can’t have an equal relationship with him if you don’t split time right down the middle.
I have 50/50 care with my ex (children older than yours though) and any suggestion of mine to my ex that did not mean an exactly equal division of time was met with ‘how dare you try to take my children away’ etc.

Our 50/50 works as follows over a 2 week pattern :
Me: Fri pm-Mon am
Ex: Mon pm-Wed am
Me: Wed pm- Fri pm
Ex: Fri pm-Mon am
Me: Mon pm- Wed am
Ex: Wed pm - Fri pm

We do however live within 4 minute walk of each other, both on the older children’s route to/from school and each child has everything they need at each house, including tech.

Thank you @SockPuppet. if we had to do 50/50, that’s the sort of arrangement I’d propose. But I also completely agree with everything you said. That’s the argument I’ll make if I go down a LiP route - I’m not saying no to equal cRe, I’m saying let’s get to it in the way and at the time that works best for our child. And try to improve the relationship between us in the meantime. But just can’t get a sense of whether all of this is likely to make any difference if it comes to a FH.

I think unfortunately it is so hard to know because all cases are different.
My understanding is that the courts are bound to put the interests of the child first, so if you build your argument in favour of your proposal on that basis, that should certainly help.

@SockPuppet i hope so. It all feels so mad and hopeless. The crazy thing is that while he’s saying he wants 50/50, he also wants the ability to tell me when he can’t do any of his dates. Like I’m his backup childcare. Unfortunately the impression I’m getting is that if you end up with a judge who believes in 50/50, that’s the outcome you’ll get, regardless. It doesn’t matter if the other parent is hostile and refuses to communicate. It’s seen as their ‘right’.

My DH and his ex have done 50/50 since DSD was 2. Week on, week off. Mum gets every Tuesday night and DH every Thursday. This allows for us to enrol DSD in a hobby on a Thursday. It also means she isn't going a full week not seeing the other parent although this has never really been an issue either. Her mum went through a phase of constantly cancelling her Tuesdays so DSD spend the full week with us. She never asks for her mum and seems very settled into her routine at ours. Her mum parents completely differently from us and again DSD just seems to adapt between homes.

It may be slightly different for you in that your child is used to having you most of the time so going straight to 50/50 would be a big change. I think your suggestion is fair but I don't really recommend the frequent handovers. I think fewer handovers are better to let kids settle into whichever home there are instead of constantly going back and forth.

Thanks @Howmuchtohireahitman. was it court ordered or agreed between them? I totally get that 50/50 can work for some children. I just don’t think it’s right for mine, right now, but am becoming increasingly unsure whether a court will care about that. Maybe I should just give in and do something that I don’t agree with, or think is best for him, rather than prolonging the battle. We haven’t even had our FHDRA yet.

What is his plan for when he travels for work?

Ultimately it will need to go to court I think you have a good case keeping the status quo at the moment building it up to 50/50 with minimal disruption to the child you will need things set like Christmas birthday mothers day fathers day etc don't forget the overseas travel permission and ensure that it states your responsible for childcare on your own time so you don't get stuck paying for his childcare

And clarity over his travels for work is he planning on farming the child off to his parents does he expect you to pick up the slack? Clarify reasonable notice if he expects that one no texting you Sunday night you have to take care of him Monday etc

@Theunamedcat I think he expects that he can just ‘tell me’ when he’s not available and I’ll pick up the slack. That’s what his latest proposal suggests!! I think you’re right that we’re going to court, I just need to figure out whether I’m brave/stupid enough to do that without lawyers…or brave/stupid enough to spend the rest of my savings on them, possibly to no end if I come up in front of a judge who’s already decided they believe in 50/50 come what may.

Although awarded 50)50 care saying child resides with both parents. Because of age 4 at the time in Reception class the access is arranged over a rolling 2 week programme.
Wk 1 dad gets child from school Tuesday has overnight returns to school Wednesday.
Picks up from school Friday and returns to school Monday (wk1).
Then picks up Wednesday from school has overnight takes to school Thursday picks up Thursday has overnight returns to school Friday am. In the holidays different times are arranged
School is used as a handover because parents don't get on.
Father lives further away from school so mum said child would be tired staying at dad's in school hours. Mum originally wanted every other weekend only.

Do you know where your child is going to school when the time comes.

Out of curiosity, when the relationship broke down, did you easy your Ds in gently by gradually increasing the time he spent way from his dad? I’d guess not, overwhelmingly most parents completely split up from the get go.
Your DS will be with his father, not some random stranger. He needs stability with the new normal situation, not being messed about as to when he will or will not see his dad.

It wasn't court ordered just agreed between them. It was actually the mum who suggested week on week off. My DH struggled with this at first as he had bathed and put his daughter to bed since the day she was born so going a full week without seeing her was difficult for him.

You have to be strong and not allow yourself to be his default childcare. I know it'll be hard as you'll naturally want to see your son but if he wants 50/50 he needs to be able to manage it himself.

Make sure you take note of any time he asks you. If it becomes a frequent ask you can go back to court and argue that 50/50 clearly isn't working for him.

My DSDs mum gets her babysat every weekend she has her so she can go out. My DSD hates having sleepovers at other people's houses and tells us she cries for her mum. DH has asked his ex if he can have first refusal as he'd rather she was here with us in her own bed than dumped at a random relatives. She asked him once. I suspect she doesn't want to highlight to him how often this is happening but DSD tells us every time anyway. It's sad but not much we can do about it. Hopefully when she's a bit older she can just request to come to us herself.

She gets every other weekend kid free so I don't understand why she can't just plan around that. That's what we do. We've had DSD babysat once this year because we had a wedding.

@Luddite26 thank you, that’s really helpful. He’ll be going to school at the top of our road, so v near where I live with him at present. Dad will be about 20 mins away by bus.

I don't know anything about the family court but surely dad can't say he wants 50/50 but then use you as backup childcare every time he goes away? What's the point of that?

Agree you keep a list of when he hasn't had him as if that adds up to 60/40 which you're proposing then there's no point in him nominally having 50/50 - unless it's to avoid paying you any money?

I think the 50/50 is for the child to have shared homes so the child doesn't feel like visiting when with one parent but it doesn't always go that they stay that amount of time.

I think your best argument is:

1. Dad’s schedule varies and child needs consistency, ie he must commit to the schedule and not then expect it to change. You are only willing to agree to a schedule which is set in stone, this is best for your child who needs predictability and stability.
2. Child has been in long term childcare arrangement which works very well and it’s beneficial for them to keep status quo until they start school. Don’t mention the fact that it allows you to have lunch with him. Just say that changing childcare arrangements isn’t the best thing for the child as he is happy and thriving currently.

I’m wondering why this sudden change. Is your ex trying to get out of paying child maintenance?

OP it’s probably best to not approach this as something that will be decided based on a random judge’s beliefs.

Judges are highly trained in law, judicial processes and the principles that underpin court guidelines. They make decisions based on facts, evidence and guidelines (derived from expert opinion and evidence). And whilst there is a degree of subjectivity because cases are different the judicial discretion won’t fly in the face of facts or evidence.

The word stability is thrown around willy nilly on this board. But it means many things in different contexts. In family court it does not mean “no change”. Because the vast majority of cases involve a fundamental change in lives of the family members. Stability in this context refers to the relationship a child has with both parents. There is overwhelming evidence that a child’s welfare and development is linked to having strong bonds with both parents.

There has already been disruption to your child’s relationship with their father for a year. That’s now been addressed and there has been a period of adjustment. As long as your ex can show he wants 50% and can safely accommodate 50% the judge has no reason to turn down this request from a parent.

You can go into court and make all the points and state your opinion. But the judgement will be based in fact and guidelines.

The time allocation is a different matter and you and he need to be practical about quality time, transfers and continuity. It’s probably the most subjective issue you will present. But I worry it will get lost in your objection to 50:50

Take it to court. Make your point clear then also make it clear that you want the agreement set in stone and that you will not be your ex’s back up childcare - if he can’t meet his commitments you will return to court.

Family lawyer here. What does CAFCASS say? Has a report been ordered (after an initial hearing)? I’d wait for that before making a decision as to whether or not to self rep. You could also get a direct access barrister for the final hearing. It’s certainly not 50:50 suits all in the family court. Are you before magistrates?

Thank you @Familylawso1icitor. FHDRA coming up is before a judge. Do you think I should wait til after that before making a decision on becoming a LiP?

CAFCASS have said no concerns and no need for a report, they closed the case. I genuinely think 60/40 til primary school is best on grounds of continuity of childcarer and giving son time to adjust to new home/arrangements. But I don’t know if I’m fighting a losing battle if judges now tend to default to 50/50? Contrary to what @LemonTT says, my experience of a FDR showed me that there is a lot of subjectivity involved. A random judge’s belief seems to be exactly what it comes down to (that’s what my solicitor and barrister said too).

If you are only now having the FHDRA then the court may order a full report from CAFCASS so that they can advise on the structure of the time split. Explain you think there are welfare concerns with a 50:50 split given your poor communication and childcare arrangements and you want to work to this by compulsory school age. Sounds like you have just been signed off from the safeguarding initial letter. There is opportunity to have a full report from CAFCASS known as a section 7 report if court considers it necessary.

https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member/applications-child-arrangements-order/court-process-and-what-expect/court-asks-fca-write-report-if-your-case-goes-beyond-first-hearing-section-7-reports

If you’re going to do any hearing yourself, FHDRA is probably the one to do. You might want to enlist legal help to prepare a position statement beforehand. Just don’t be bullied into signing up to an agreement on that day that you don’t believe is in the best interests of your child - you are entitled to file evidence ( a statement) explaining why what you propose is in your child’s best interests and for court to consider at a final hearing.

I’m not a lawyer but I believe that in cases where communication is really poor, genuinely 50/50 isn’t always awarded as it just doesn’t work at a young age unless both parties are being reasonable. I think you could put forward a case for long alternate weekends and a weekday overnight each week, half holidays and don’t include the scale up unless mentioned. Judges care about the here and now more than what will happen in X years time. If your ex can stick to that and then wants to push for more let them later down the line.

In the meantime keep a log about any changes he makes to existing plans to show if he is able to be consistent or not. My gut feeling is that asking for 50/50 but also asking for slack for you to pick up when he can’t do is more an example of pushing for 50/50 to stop child maintenance than because they care about the extra day or so.

Good luck.

Thank you. I think that’s correct - he cares more about saying he has a ‘right’ to 50/50. I don’t think he’s really thought about what the reality looks like because he thinks he can opt out whenever he wants.
I already have a barrister and solicitor for the FHDRA so may see what happens at that and then decide from there what to do. I can’t see there’s any grounds for a CAFCASS assessment, I think it just needs him to start acting like a grown up and try to work with me…but guess I’ll have to see what happens…

He takes our son out for tea one night a week at the moment but regularly says he can’t come because he has other plans.