Likelihood of 50/50 for 3 year old?

[Hopelessnessness]

Dad wants 50-50 to start now, basically 5 days at a time with each parent.
Son has lived almost entirely with me for over a year due to dad being in unsuitable temporary accommodation until now (though son is already every other weekend and half holidays with dad, often with his parents).
I think we should progress towards 50/50 once son starts reception, but do 60/40 til then (every other weekend, midweek overnight, Hal;f holidays) to give son time to adjust to new arrangements. If it had to be 50/50, I’d prefer more frequent changeover due to son’s age.
Terrible communication between us at present - I keep holding out an olive branch but he refuses to engage.
Think we’re likely to go all the way to final hearing in London courts. Anyone have recent experience of what a likely outcome would be?

@roarrfeckingroar I’m going to. But may have to become a litigant in person. Anyone here with experience of that??

@Hopelessnessness i didn’t make reference to you or this specific case

it was a general response to another poster and one that’s spouted all the time on here that a parent shouldn’t do 50:50 as they weren’t previously’primary carer’

all
you can do is kerp
your arguments child centric and state why you think his proposal does not put your child at the heart of it
a d think what could work if 50:50 was ultimately awarded and how you could support your child in that

I didn't take it to court, because the advice of my (very experienced) lawyer was that unless there are actual safeguarding concerns, provided that the other parent is capable of doing 50/50, the court would more than likely order 50/50. And that they are not interested in what has happened before the split, only in whether the other parent can do it now. I could have spent several thousand trying to beat it, but I don't have that money to waste.

DC is coping ok. We have a 2-2-3 pattern.

You don't have to agree to your DC going to different childcare on your time.

It would mean that you are both paying for full time childcare though. How is he proposing that childcare costs are shared as in his time he has to pay? He may get a surprise when he has to sort out and pay everything for the nursery and if you don't sign the contract it on him to pay for it all.

You could offer the new 50:50 arrangement from the late summer and see the new nursery as a step of getting ready for school - more of a pre-school environment?

Do you believe his reason for 50:50 is to spend time with DS or is about money or about control? Regardless the outcome is the same in that 50:50 will be awarded it is a shame he won't work to a more child centric approach or change his work to accommodate using existing childcare for the next 28 months months.

The courts don't care about you or your child. It will likely be 50/50 straight away.

Whilst 5 days can be more consistent it makes school/childcare difficult as it's not as regular as you think. A split week where you have set days so you can work around them and plan your own life would be achievable.

I wouldn't want to not see a child for 5 days straight untill they could advocate for themselves and communicate events because their memory was good.

I just want to step in here. 50/50 does still depend on some things:

1. Communication / parenting relationship. A child as young as three isn’t going to be doing a week on / week off, as such good communication is really important (to parent properly but also to not expose child to lots of nasty handovers). If there isn’t that, then 50/50 may not be deemed to work.

2. Is your ex able to accommodate 50/50 realistically. Is he keeping to the arrangements now? If 50/50 is awarded is he keeping to the arrangements or is he letting it slip (in which case likely child maintenance related).

3. What was the pattern before. I am not arguing that this needs to dictate everything. However, it is relevant as the child is the most important part of the equation so keeping some stability is important. Building from there in stages up to 50/50 might be awarded but straight off at 3 I believe would only happen if he could demonstrate that the care was 50/50 before and so this is continuing the pattern for the 3 year old (ie the importance of continuing the status quo trumps the chaos factor for doing 50/50 with essentially a toddler). Courts are quite here and now so would agree something suitable for a toddler (say every other weekend and a midweek night).

I just disagree that 50/50 is a slam dunk for a kid so young (and I’ve spoken to lawyers). There are lots of (child-centric) factors to take into consideration. What I’ve heard before is 50/50 will be awarded if a) the father wants it; and b) the mum supports it. Otherwise, at this age, it would be more 60/40 with the possibility of building up to 50/50 at a later age. It’ll also maybe be awarded if the mum is actively alienating.

(also substitute in dad for mum and vice versa for any scenarios where the situation is reversed. This is not an anti-dad post!)

Thanks @Gentlyconfused. I think all those factors do apply in our case (poor relationship/communication and him being unwilling to improve it); he doesn’t keep to current avrramgements; our son is used to being at home with me. I also think @muchalover makes an v good point about it being difficult with a child who can’t advocate for themselves yet and poor parental communication. These are all the reasons that I’ll give to support why I think it would be best for our son to do 60/40 now, going to 50/50 when he starts school,

With the 50/50 starting at school, I don’t think you even have to mention that now. Of course if you think that’s best etc then agree it. If you don’t, just focus on the here and now and then let your ex bring up 50/50 in a couple of years if he wants to. That gives the time to sift through how involved he genuinely wants to be. The problem with agreeing 50/50 in the future now is that if he does cancel lots / is unreliable he can still point to that agreement in the future (and I personally don’t think 50/50 with an unreliable / cancelling parent is nice for a child).

I do this for a living thank you nevertheless for your doubt in my knowledge. Parental responsibility is the actual term that means you have legal rights and duties relating to your children's upbringing(Which is what I reminded you, you have 50% legal right/say in this and that goes for custody also).

@FPCculture am fascinated by your claim to ‘do this for a living’ when you’re also using outdated terms like ‘custody’ and spouting nonsense about ‘his 50%’ of the time and having a ‘50% say’ (whatever that is supposed to mean). I do know what parental responsibility is - but it absolutely doesn’t equate to only being able to make 50% of a decision.

@FPCculture You don’t as a parent have an absolute right to 50% residence. The court considers what is in the best interests of the child. The child’s rights are the central focus by a country mile. For some situations, the best interests would be served by 50/50; in some situations, by no contact; in some situations, in between.

Hey Hopelessnessness, I’m in a similar boat. Always primary carer and ex wanted 50/50. We started a couple of months back and doing a 5522 schedule. However he is not happy as wants week on / week off. We have court next year and I am LIP. Nervous but just going to be well prepared and have my arguments why I think a split week is better. Who knows what the judge will say but my view is, at least I tried to do I think is best for my kids. Even if the judge doesn’t agree with me. It is only costing the £275 court fee. My youngest is 6.

We do 50:50, week on week off my DSC. Have done since the youngest was 2.5. It makes working weeks we have or don't have them for planning holidays etc much easier than a 5522 schedule would. Everyone gets equal number of weekdays and weekends. Mum gets every Tuesday and we get every Thursday which means they don't go a full week not seeing the other parent. It's also meant I can get DSD into a dance class on a Thursday as we have her every Thursday. She also goes to gymnastics on a Wednesday but misses every other week when she's at her mum's because her mum won't take her.

Is there a reason you're not keen on week on week off?

@Nimbus1999 sorry to hear that. How’re you feeling about the LiP route? I’m thinking of going the same way. From what I’ve seen so far, it’s largely about what the judge happens to believe in anyway, so I feel like if I do it myself, even if I make some mistakes, it’s not likely to affect the outcome much, and at least I won’t end up in horrendous debt. Don’t know if I’m being totally naive though!!

Logistically I think it would be challenging with work? I’d have to sort childcare for every other week and that seems impossible. They prefer my hours consistent - not more one week, less the next. Ex has never looked after them really so to go from not much to 7 days in a row is quite a lot. A lot can happen in their lives in a whole week, I feel the 5522 is better to stay connected and invoked day to day. Plus same clubs on same nights (when I have them) as he won’t take them. I think when they’re older 7/7 would be ok but I’m just not it’s the best fit for my little ones.

That is totally my thinking. He is LIP also so I guess that’s a good thing. No harm in giving it a try and try to argue my case. Turns out, they’ve ordered a section 7 report anyway so it will be Cafcass who will be putting their views across and it’s somewhat out of our hands. I feel ok about the LIP although will be nervous closer to the time I’m sure.

You could be Lip and appoint a direct access barrister for FH and advice.
Something like these Services - Children in the Middle
Homepage (directaccessportal.co.uk)

I'd see a lawyer as a one off or a couple sessions if you can afford it. You can tell them more about your individual child and circumstances and see if they think it's worth fighting for. Get some recommendations, there's great family lawyers not some who will just fight it out for the money. If you say you're going to be a LiP that would hopefully mean they'd just look at the case. Get some ideas what the court considers the important points and see if they fit with your situation. You can also do the legwork and early bits yourself and use I think it's called a direct access barrister, who represents on the day plus some time going through your case I'd think, but still lower cost.

Keep a record of cancellations and how much notice he gives, it could be useful if it's regular to show he doesn't have the capacity to do 50/50. He shouldn't be relying on you in his time. My ex is all about what HE deserves, 50% or everything including our primary age DC. He's abusive but stuff that's hard to prove in court. Thankfully he didn't want to spend money on it and backed off when I told him he'd have to take me to court to get it. We agreed he'd have 2 nights a week in school weeks and 3 nights a week in school holidays. All of his claims about working less when he had the kids were BS as I thought. He picks them up then WFH even though there's only 3 week nights in a fortnight affected.

I think a lot does depend on who you get on the day unfortunately. Whether it's worth fighting I think depends partially on how big you think the negative consequences to your DC might be if he gets 50/50 and how much cost mental as well as financial there is to you fighting this. In my case the harm it would have done to my DD in particular was massive and I would have fought even if there was only a tiny chance of winning.

Outdated term in your opinion. Does that disqualify my qualifications?

Enjoy your day , you do not know a thing.

@FPCculture hey, I’m sorry you’re having such a bad day that you have to come on forums and be rude. I hope you manage to get some time to relax over Christmas so you don’t feel the need to do this in the future. :)