Buying a flat for separated partners to share – pros and cons?

[quitethelittlekoala]

I read on a thread here recently that someone bought a small flat with their ex after separation, that they each lived in week about in order to allow the DC to remain in the family home all the time.

I am thinking this may be the best solution for my situation, which is relatively mature and amicable, but I'm keen to hear from others who have done this about drawbacks I haven't thought of.

Obviously it would have to be legally watertight with some kind of contract drawn up. Are there any issues with both of us living there one week at a time, in terms of council tax etc, does anyone know? Does one location need to be named as our permanent home – and would that be an issue if, for both of us, that was the family home and not the flat? I have no idea about any of this. Considering a one-bedroom flat where one of us can make the living room their bedroom, but again, not sure if this is legally dodgy in some way. I'm maybe overthinking things.

I can foresee potential issues with things like remedial or upgrading work on either the flat or the house – what happens if one party wants work done and the other doesn't, for example.

Please come at me with any other sticking points you can think of – I want to go into this with my eyes open, but am feeling it's still preferable to making the kids all pack up and move around every week or two. Many thanks.

What about future relationships for either of you?
How old are your kids/how long would this arrangement be for?

What happens when you meet someone new? Or your ex does... swapping beds every week does not sound sustainable

Does your ex do equal house work ? You could be cleaning and shopping for 2 homes while you arrive with no milk or even washing up done.

Really no plans to meet others, but don't see this as a problem as any new partner could visit/stay in the flat on our 'week on' in there. Not quite sure what you mean by 'swapping beds every week' not sustainable? We'd have separate rooms in the flat. And if we're not swapping beds, the kids would have to. It feels like an absolute nightmare packing all their stuff up – uniform, school stuff, clubs stuff etc – every single week. Seems so much simpler for the two of us to swop out, rather than them.

Kids are young teens and I'm not sure how long it would be for – certainly not very long term. Maybe five years, say?

@BoohooWoohoo yes, he does, and I'd have no worries about arriving to a messy flat and feel we'd sort out our own food and drink.

Do you have separate rooms in the family home too?
I think you’d need to make sure that the flat is not declared to be a single person residence for council tax discount purposes, as that might look like fraud.

I have heard of this happening as a temporary solution whilst the divorce/house sale is going ahead so that ex partners do not need to live under the same roof. This would only work if you are both able to agree to week on/week off childcare which not all couples can physically do due to work etc.

Longer term this is much more messy. Eventually one of you may meet someone which can cause friction in a previously amicable separation. What if they want to bring the new partner into the family home on their week with the children? There are also practicalities like stocking food in either the family home or the flat, bills if one partner perceived the other as using more heating and so on.

Op wouldn’t you want your privacy? Exh stays at my house about six nights a year as dc refuse to stay at his and I end up hiding away private things, I would hate exh to go through my things and in fact dd1 told him off for being in my bedroom ‘testing the radiator’. One of you will inevitably find yourself in a relationship and unless you have two bathrooms it’ll be odd to have new partners things around.

Plus exh leaves the house in such a mess that if I go away for two days I come back to two hours of housework and no food in the freezer because he’s helped himself.

Why are you separating? If you are this amicable, why not try to work out your differences and see if the relationship can be improved?

@HenriettaVienetta I wouldn't really say it's "this amicable" – I think there's a difference between being mature and wanting to progress things separately to get the best possible outcome for the DC with the smoothest transition, and continuing to feel beaten down by his tiny but incessant digs and harsh way of talking at times. We've tried counselling in the past, to no avail. But I don't believe he'd try and make things difficult for me – he would just want a settled and peaceful outcome too. But the attraction's gone, you know? I think he's sabotaged his own happiness by being the way he is and that's sad, but I've spent years trying to fix it and I just know now that I can't – it's not my issue any more.

@stealthninjamum I don't really have 'private things' and he wouldn't be interested in going through my stuff. It's not a concern for me.

@MadMadamMimz I don't really think new partners would be entering the picture, certainly not in the short term. But yes, it's those kind of practicalities like food and heating that I need to think about – thanks.

@KingsleyBorder no, we're still sleeping in the same bed 😞. But thanks re the council tax - that's useful.

I think this is a good option in the South East and other areas where housing is expensive. You could always draw up a joint agreement over how to handle the arrangement.

But separate bedrooms in the flat are probably a good idea.

@AnonyLonnymouse I'd prefer a two-bedroom flat, certainly – but if we couldn't stretch to that I'd be happy with a one-bed, with one of us having the living room as our bedroom, ie no living room. Quite prepared to do that in the short term for the greater good (if that's what it is.)

You don't have to pack all their stuff up. You just have everything they need in each home. We have my DSCs 50/50 and they have their own bedrooms, clothes, toy, uniforms etc in each home. We don't get on with the ex at all. She is extremely difficult and high conflict so in your situation it would be even easier.

You say you don't plan to meet other people but you don't know that. And personally I'd find it a bit awkward going to someone's flat that they share with their ex. And what if you decided you wanted to live with the new partner?

I can understand why it feels attractive on paper but I suspect the reality would be different.

Given the significant friction costs involved in buying and selling if you were going to do this I would definitely rent a flat for a while first to see if it works before considering buying.

You don't have to pack all their stuff up. You just have everything they need in each home.

@Howmuchtohireahitman But it would be so much simpler doing nothing at all with their stuff and leaving it all exactly where it is. I'm happy to rough it in a small room one week in two and would enjoy the solitude and silence.

Really not interested in the idea of a new partner and I doubt he is – we're both pretty introvert and a bit anti-social! Of course, never say never, but I think we'd cross that bridge when we came to it.

@NowYouSee yes, that's a good idea. Wouldn't want it to be for long, though, as it would feel like chucking money away. But it's sensible – thank you.

Can't believe how many posters object to the notion because the OP or her ex might find their sex lives inconvenient in shared digs. Ffs.

With that mentality no wonder so many people jump from one bad relationship to another. Think about your kids, not your crotch, people.

To OP: It's a good solution, much healthier for the teens than making them travel forth & back. Sounds like you are mature enough to make it work. The flat could later become an investment or rental property.

My husband swore he wouldn't get into another relationship after leaving his abusive ex. 4 months later he met me and within 2 years we were married.

You seem dead set on this idea. I definitely works for some people so maybe it could work. The thing about teens is that they tend not to stick to a parenting schedule and do what suits them. My DSS lives with us full time now as he doesn't get on with his mum and has been working with his dad so it's easier to stay here. But if he's going out with friends where his mum lives he'll sometimes just stay there. My other DSS hardly comes to see us now as he lives 45 mins away and would rather be out with his girlfriend or friends at the weekend than hanging about with his dad.

At least if the kids are in the one house and it's the parents moving you have more control over how much time you spend with them.

You have to discuss what happens if one of you decide it's no longer working for you. Can you force sale of the flat? Will you be able to free up the equity you need to get your own place? Or will you be forced to remain in that set up until the other person agrees to sell?

Things may be amicable now but you can't see into the future. There's countless stories on here of ex's getting on until a new partner is on the scene and then suddenly things are no longer amicable.

This wouldn't be for me. I would prefer my own space and not have to share it with an ex. I'd be weary of the relationship between you getting less friendly if one of you is picking up the slack for cleaning, maintenance, admin etc or there's a row about who pays for what.

That would make it unpleasant for the kids. In my opinion a clean break is safer for all.

I think kids are more adaptable than people think. If they live with you and then move to your ex partner's on his contact time then it allows more flexibility in the long term for everyone. As a new partner I wouldn't want to have to move into a flat every week when my DH had contact time.

Also the kids will start to have other priorities and wanting to spend time with friends/on their own and you'll find the amount of time they want to spend with each parent will change.

Also I think it'll feel less like 'home' than someone where their mum or dads stuff is day in a day out...

When I left my exDH it took him 4 months to find a new place. We used our split custody plans to be the one who had the kids that day stayed in the house so they had a stable home to get used to our split. Tbh it was the hardest 4 months of my life. I didn't feel like my home was mine, he snooped through my things when I wasn't there and would repeatedly kick my dog then cried when he got a nip. He would also leave the heating/hot water on running up huge bills. Eat all my food and leave his empty alcohol bottles everywhere! Him living in the same building as me, although we had no choice as he needed to find a home locally, destroyed what tiny little respect we had left for each other.

@shieldmaiden7 that sounds truly awful, I'm so sorry. I hope you're settled and happier now.

So, if you don't want to work it out.
How does it work possession wise? Is there a his place and a her place? It isn't just about sex lives, although let's face it, most men do move on more quickly than most women, because 'needs'.
Think through nitty gritty practicalities. You are not truly separating your lives as everything still ends up shared between locations. Who is responsible for calling the plumber, electrician etc? Who decides on how it is furnished, decorated etc? Who keeps either place clean and tidy? Manages the bills etc. Neither person ever has a home, they are constantly packing up and moving. Yes, the alternative is the kids doing that, but they don't have adult life logistics to handle on top.
At some point, if you don't want to be in each other's lives as partners, you need to separate your lives. Your kids are older, they won't want so much time with either of you, so don't plan everything around them.

I have been through separation, teenage kids refused to visit their father, their own lives, their own decisions. Unrelated but we are now reconciling our differences, once we both really saw what the other side of it looked like.

It’s an option but not one most people choose. This isn’t because they don’t worry about their children’s needs.

Many Pps have pointed out the obvious problem. People move on with their lives and want their own home and will more likely than not form new relationships. This then becomes an untenable arrangement. One that is expensive because buying and selling property is expensive.

providing two homes and helping children accept they are part of two families is more tenable and it works for many parents and children.

I wouldn’t live in a one bed flat shared by two people with one sleeping in the living room. Even for part of the week it would be a shit existence. I doubt your ex will want to for any appreciable length of time.

I would make peace with the divorce and separation of assets. It’s better for your mental health and wellbeing. You cannot divorce and expect your life not to change.

Really no plans to meet others, but don't see this as a problem as any new partner could visit/stay in the flat on our 'week on' in there.

No new partner would want to stay there. What if new partner wants to live together - either you or your ex.

Regardless of that, it's too messy, a clean break is what everyone needs and it's better for the kids too. You're either together, or you're not.