Buying a flat for separated partners to share – pros and cons?

[quitethelittlekoala]

I read on a thread here recently that someone bought a small flat with their ex after separation, that they each lived in week about in order to allow the DC to remain in the family home all the time.

I am thinking this may be the best solution for my situation, which is relatively mature and amicable, but I'm keen to hear from others who have done this about drawbacks I haven't thought of.

Obviously it would have to be legally watertight with some kind of contract drawn up. Are there any issues with both of us living there one week at a time, in terms of council tax etc, does anyone know? Does one location need to be named as our permanent home – and would that be an issue if, for both of us, that was the family home and not the flat? I have no idea about any of this. Considering a one-bedroom flat where one of us can make the living room their bedroom, but again, not sure if this is legally dodgy in some way. I'm maybe overthinking things.

I can foresee potential issues with things like remedial or upgrading work on either the flat or the house – what happens if one party wants work done and the other doesn't, for example.

Please come at me with any other sticking points you can think of – I want to go into this with my eyes open, but am feeling it's still preferable to making the kids all pack up and move around every week or two. Many thanks.

Well, that's what I felt when I started the thread, @santaexpress23 , but it seems some are trying to tell me my main priority should be my non-existent future partner (hm, wonder what his name is? What's his favourite food??) and that I'll be damaging the kids if I don't start carting them around the city once a week. Who knew?! 😂😂

this will have a horrible outcome for you or him

Will it? Thanks for your absolute certainty about the future path of my life.

One thing to bear in mind if you rent rather than buy is who goes on the rental contract and whether the landlord has any 'rights' to have an issue if you make the sitting room a bedroom. Probably not if you are both on the rental contract.

Thanks so much, @SheilaFentiman , you're coming up with all sorts of things I need to add to my list :-)

She's repeatedly said that future relationships aren't a concern. Why does everyone keep banging on about that?

With all due respect @LaurieStrode the OP can only speak from her side, not her ex.

I think I'd definitely rent rather than buy to start with, just to see how it works out.
It is doable, at least for a few years, and will certainly make life easier for the children. If you are able to respect each other's privacy and co-parent amicably, it might be the best solution.

A cousin did that in France, he and the ex wife left the marital home and they both rent one bedroom apartment and live there the weeks they don't live with the kid. They still have their own privacy and the marital home is exactly as it was when they were together so it feels like home for them and the child.

Good to hear an actual experience, @Alohapotato – thanks :-)

I have also thought about this, so appreciate the views and perspectives. I also think another partner is not the priority, but the children and their stability are. Also, presumably another partner would have their own place, so this would just add a flexible option some weeks.

I suppose it depends on your relationship with your ex, whether it is amicable enough, etc I can see some people envisage a difficult experience, but I dont think ot has to be the case.

Do you have enough room in your garden for a small studio? It would be a lot cheaper and would be a good temporary solution which could then be used as a home office etc.

On another note, I completely understand you not wanting the kids to move from house to house, I felt the same way. But I do think that it’s important for them to see that the marriage is over and that both parents have started again. Having that finish and a new beginning is healthy. My daughter loves having 2 homes now - as a teen she finds it great to have 2 bedrooms, to have somewhere else to go when she’s fed up. It’s not been a hardship at all. It may be rather confusing for them, especially if in the back of their minds they harbour any secret wish that their parents get back together.

I wish you good luck x

I think it’s very sad, but seen it so many times. Relationships breakdown and the most important thing seems to be finding a new one 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’ve been happily single for 9 years, and I plan to stay this way.

I think what you’re proposing is great. It works for many. It can be a pain on times packing things up, luckily I get on very well with my ex and he lives about 3 minutes away so my kids don’t have to go far if we’ve forgotten something they need.

Good luck!

My kids manage perfectly fine going between houses. It’s what they’ve known since 2&5. We had been together 15 years and had no plans to meet other people but within a year he had met someone and got her pregnant. He’d already moved to a 2 bed flat but soon had to move again to a 3 bed house with her so they had space for the baby and my 2. Fast forward about 4 years and they’ve split up now. Nothings guaranteed.

mine generally go on weekends now. But when we first split it was pretty even week days and weekends so both houses had duplicates of uniforms etc. there wasn’t really masses of packing up going on between them for a while. However when they joined out of school activities that they attend once per week and require uniform for it does become daft trying to buy 2 sets of those if they’re pricey - brownie uniform, rainbows uniform, dancing uniform and specialist shoes etc. So those things do now go back and forth. The 50/50 though over the years has become none existent and is more like 90/10. He works weekends for a while had 3 kids at 3 schools in 2 separate towns which wasn’t manageable and now has the 3 kids in 2 schools in 2 towns. It’s now weekends only on the odd time he’s not working or school holidays.

10 years on and I’ve never why anyone new. It’s not been a priority for me. I don’t really go anywhere to meet anyone and haven’t wanted to actively try via apps etc. Of all my friends who have had broken marriages I’ve noticed quite a lot do love on fairly swiftly though. Particularly the men but often the women too.

Another thing to consider is Xmas. Who has the kids and who spends it alone in the flat?? We tried joint for a couple of years til his next baby came along. But my parents refused to then share Xmas as they didn’t approve so it became difficult. I was pretty shocked at my parents reaction as I have no issues with my divorce and no bad feeling towards him or his new child. We get along. Have taken the kids out together on many occasions. But my parents refuse to be part of it. His parents don’t live near for it to be an issue so he takes the kids to see them himself or they visit his house. I have been invited over though by his parents to eat with them when they visit.

Hold on, I really don't understand this. Why should the new flat not be considered/declared a single person's residence? Only one person/one person at a time is living there and consuming council services! I'd be interested to hear what LAs have to say about this!

It’s known as “nesting” and is definitely becoming more common, sometimes as a temporary solution, sometimes more permanent. It can really help to minimise the disruption for DC. I would advise trying it with a rented flat first to see if you can make it work (particularly if it means that you don’t need to sell the original family home to make the finances work).

You keep saying it’s better for the children. I’m not convinced OP. Yes practically it means they are in the same childhood/family home and no need to pack but…. It’s not the same is it! Mum and Dad aren’t together living there at the same time. Sometimes dad is there. Sometimes mum is there. Presumably there might be different house rules under each and certainly different ways of parenting I’m sure (even little things like can they eat in their bedrooms or whatever. Very small details). So the kids know that’s Mums bedroom and that’s Dads bedroom and hopefully both adult respect the other privacy but what if dad goes in mums room to open a window or turn down radiator and the kids know mum wouldn’t like that. What if the kids have been out with Mum and all have muddy shoes and cover the back mat in mud then Mum switches with Dad and the kids know Dad can’t stand mud everywhere as he likes the floors spotless and gets really grumpy with mum. So Dad arrives then immediately gets moody because of the mud. Or what if Dad defrosts the lamb leg in the freezer for their dinner on Saturday the mum arrives for her week and gets annoyed as she’d been saving that for a extended family meal with grandparents but can’t now as it’s gone.

Yes all highly petty, highly minor scenarios but the kids are caught in middle with the adults griping about what the other adult has or hasn’t done in the house. Housework, food, mess, parenting techniques (bedtime, phone useage, curfews, homework, etc etc etc) all potential different for each parent and the kids are them having to adapt anyway. If they were going to mums house or dads house k think it would be easier to accept different rules and living ways than if mum and dad were moving in and out the family home. Jusg my option and ideally there would be complete agreement on all these minor issues but if divorcing I’d doubt it. Most parents done agree on everything anyway.

Aside from that you’d need some
iron clad legal advice. Joint ownerships, tenancy, CGT, larger repairs, emergency repairs, decor and standard of home that’s acceptable to both parties, council tax (agree PP not sure single person is available as technically flat is occupied by two people), second home ownership issues (some areas are cracking down with higher taxes etc), garden work, etc etc. You’d have to be really really secure that all those issues were thrashed out fully beforehand.

Finally you have mentioned that new partner isn’t on cards and you both introvert and you’d enjoy the peace of the flat week on week off. With all due respect you cannot speak for your ex husband on these points no matter how much you think you know him. He won’t necessarily be the same person post divorce. He might find a new partner unexpectedly or he might just not like the flat living. You really can’t assume.

Guarantee you he’ll meet someone else within a year.

ExH and I did this for a little bit (about 9 months) where one stayed in the family home with the kids and the other stayed elsewhere. It was def good for helping the kids settle into our new situation but it was hard for us. I would often arrive to find the house a tip, I would feel stressed to leave it clean and little things like ketchup/butter/spices would be used by both and only replaced by me.

After a few months he met someone new and started staying less but would still appear to use the washing machine/decided to self isolate there when he had covid and it lead to many a screaming row which was NOT good for the kids.

I would suggest if you do this rent a flat don't buy. Now is not the time to being making further financial commitments with each other. What happens if someone loses a job, or decides to live with a bf/gf on there week off and so decides they shouldn't have to pay for the flat anymore as they don't use it? A big heating bill or new roof and only one of you has the money to replace? Plus the cost of stamp duty/solicitor etc on somewhere you might only own for a few years.

Give it a go with a six month lease. Maybe it will work great and if it doesn't there is no huge financial loss and you are not stuck paying for something you can't get shot of.

Oh and this. Never underestimate how someone you think you know can truly surprise you.

I think it sounds like a good plan. If you sell your current house you're going to have to buy 2 new homes, both big enough to accommodate the DC plus a parent. Unless you have lots of unused income at present your children may need to share a bedroom or accept a smaller room or not live in such a nice area. Renting for 6 months/1 year will let you all see any pitfalls. You should have a reasonable understanding already whether you both have similar attitudes to housework, maintenance, shopping etc. If it doesn't work out then re-evaluate

I think this is a truly child-centred choice, and wish I could have done this with my ex for our children. I met someone else, and think this would have worked out so much better. No moving a new partner in with your kids as you have so much time alone to see them.

The practicalities are that neither of the homes you could apply for single person discount for council tax, whether you’d be rigid on timetable or flexible (rigid works better for me contact days with my ex as I can plan a year or so ahead). What will you do if kids ask for one of you to live with them not shared 50/50. Will the children ever come to the flat? It can be a bit depressing to see your parent in a gritty bedsit, perhaps your budget means it’ll be nicer than this, but not sure what that would be like for them.

The legal sides of ownership etc sound like a bit of a nightmare too, but as long as you get good legal advice…!

Definitely do a trial period before committing to buying somewhere. If it’s just for a few years the additional stamp duty for a second home won’t make it a cheap solution. Can you stay with friends/ look at Airbnb for 6 months?

I actually tried to convince my ex to do nesting when we separated, as we already had two properties. Thankfully he wouldn’t agree to it. Once the reality dawned on him that I was serious about the separation he went batshit crazy and still is almost 2 years down the line. My counsellor warned me about this (clearly she has experience) but I poo-poohed her advice and said he’ll be different, he’ll be reasonable.

A friend did it for 6 months and each week she would come home to an empty fridge, overflowing laundry baskets and mess and dirt everywhere. She would leave it looking clean and tidy with a fully stocked fridge only to repeat the cycle. He also found that he often ‘needed’ to come
to the house, to collect things, parcels he kept having delivered and sports equipment. Expect his worst traits to be amplified.

Buying a flat with someone you like is a huge commitment. Let alone buying one with an ex…

Also, I am separated with three children and they don’t even seem to mind the two homes. Their main issue is missing the other parent. It’s not like they are carting loads of things around each week. They’re set up at each home with everything they need.

I wouldn't bother buying as you'd get stung for extra stamp duty. I'd just rent. As you don't know how well the arrangement will work.

I know a couple who have done this to keep things as stable as possible for their children. They’re both happy with the arrangement but they both get on well and are friends. They go out for dinner and do days out with the kids together and are both very, very reasonable, easy going people. One does have a new partner but he has nothing to do with the children. I don’t think it’s for everyone but it can work if you’re the right sort of people. The kids seem very happy and settled but I think that’s as much to do with their parents mature attitudes overall.

Think after 30 years you know your ex dh personality and think it’s refreshing actually seeing someone thinking of their kids and being amicable. Good on you guys :) think it’s a great idea if your both in agreements. But would deffo say make sure have some kind of written agreement.