Buying a flat for separated partners to share – pros and cons?

[quitethelittlekoala]

I read on a thread here recently that someone bought a small flat with their ex after separation, that they each lived in week about in order to allow the DC to remain in the family home all the time.

I am thinking this may be the best solution for my situation, which is relatively mature and amicable, but I'm keen to hear from others who have done this about drawbacks I haven't thought of.

Obviously it would have to be legally watertight with some kind of contract drawn up. Are there any issues with both of us living there one week at a time, in terms of council tax etc, does anyone know? Does one location need to be named as our permanent home – and would that be an issue if, for both of us, that was the family home and not the flat? I have no idea about any of this. Considering a one-bedroom flat where one of us can make the living room their bedroom, but again, not sure if this is legally dodgy in some way. I'm maybe overthinking things.

I can foresee potential issues with things like remedial or upgrading work on either the flat or the house – what happens if one party wants work done and the other doesn't, for example.

Please come at me with any other sticking points you can think of – I want to go into this with my eyes open, but am feeling it's still preferable to making the kids all pack up and move around every week or two. Many thanks.

If you divorced first and the family house was in just one of your names, you could buy the flat in the other’s name without incurring second home owners stamp duty. I guess it depends on whether you hold enough other assets besides the house to make it a fair split. Otherwise I’d rent first and then eventually buy a second place that would double up as a good an investment property if possible in case it doesn’t work out. Actually if the time frame is 5 years or so I’d probably just rent the entire time because it’s unlikely the transaction costs would be worth it.

Lovely idea though and good to minimise disruption during a window of lots of growing up, exams and big life choices. I’m surprised at all the resistance here. A split of any kind is not ideal from a child’s point of view i appreciate, but this is surely the optimal way to approach it with the child’s best interests in mind. A granny flat on the end of a garden was also a great idea upfront and a potentially good investment too. Good luck!

I think it's a mad idea.But folk make what might seem to other folk the most bizarre of arrangements.

i dont think you can add on another house to an existing mortgage

maybe better to rent somewhere see how it goes?

I am not sure about the logistics, but lots of commuters have a pied-a-terre, so imagine from an address/legal perspective this is probably where to check.

On the idea itself. I think it is really lovely if you can make it work. Not having the kids trapes around. So often kids and up worst off in terms of stability, and I'm sure they will appreciate, especially in the long term, your sacrifices (which there will certainly be some - but that is a large part of parenting). But if anyone should be put out with the arrangements, surely it should be the parents and not the kids. This sounds like a really good solution. Good luck

Not sure if this has been said already but this would not be good for the children.

They need to have a place of security with each of you, even though this means 2 homes.

They will likely internalise feelings of 'it's our fault' only 1 parent has the luxury of the family home at a time. Children often feel to blame in splits and this being 'to suit them' would definitely make them feel responsible.

If they have to stay at home they need 1 permanent parent in that house all the time and the other parent needs to visit while permanent parent stays too.

Loads of children thrive in 2 homes and have security of a base with each parent who is comfortable in their own space.

I was expecting you to say the kids were 4 and 7. At secondary school age they are old enough to understand a split.

This added to all other issues raised by pp's.

I would NOT have this set up.

My parents split up when I was 15. For the longest time they tried to keep everything 'the same', to the extent that it felt to me like they were pretending they actually hadn't split. I HATED it because everything HAD changed and was never going to be the same again - I was old enough to know that. And I did feel the weight of my parents' choices to live in a less-than-ideal way because of me and my siblings.

Eventually we ended up with 2 new homes, and as an older teen I was able to make my own decisions about where I spent my time, and it felt like life was moving again, as opposed to being stuck in a weird limbo which I was responsible for.

I can absolutely see the benefit of the sort of arrangement you propose if young children are involved, but I think teens are different. Have you asked the kids what they think?

I think this is probably best for your kids. So yes, if you can, I'd do it.

I have no experience to share but I love this idea of minimum disruption for the kids. Especially as they are already teens and it may only be for 5 years. Good luck with it all . I hope it works for you all .

@MadMadamMimz many separated parents choose not to introduce new partners to their children or into their children's home as they choose to prioritise their children's needs- they can enjoy developing new new relationships in the time when the children's other parent is looking after them. My Mum did this, we knew she had a boyfriend and we were introduced, but she chose not ever try to fashion us into a family relationship. I am eternally thankful to her for not foisting a blended family on my brother and I.
OP this is a really child centred and mature way to proceed, but unless your separation is mutually desired it may be complex emotionally to be so entwined in each others lives. Good for you and your STBExH if you do this. Get legal advice about the ownership of each property and eg council tax obligations - ask the Council how they would view it re single persons discount. I think one of you should own each property, maybe spending slightly more time at the technically owned one.

I know all too well the disruption of moving my kids between home's for 50/50 and in all honesty, it's one of my life's regrets. They felt it was too "busy ", the constant regular moving back and forth.

On the other hand, nesting could never have been a solution for me due to how well I know my ex husband and how incapable I know he'd be on an arrangement like this.
I'd be interested to hear from OP in a year to see how it goes. Good luck if you can make it work.

I think there’s so many ways to have a relationship now that there are also so many ways to end a relationship. People criticise me because my ex-husband is always over but it is the best thing for our child. We’ve been seperated years now and managed to maintain this way of doing things. It’s not perfect but it is the best option. I have to make sacrifices but that’s what having a child is about. We spend Christmas together - not my preference but for now we can make it work and it avoids her feeling like she’s been shipped about. Not everyone wants a relationship. Neither of us have had a date in years and unless you’re looking they don’t tend to fall into your lap! Good luck

Separate beds is a bit dramatic, just agree to change the bedding.

Separate bedrooms?

It’s not dramatic, it means each has their own space for clothes, work stuff etc.

It sounds like you've thought everything through reasonably well OP. How does the kids' dad feel about it? Have you discussed logistics and costs together at length?

Fwiw, this is what my preference would be too, and it sounds like there are lots of others who would want to as well. But I think it depends so much on the dynamic between your ex partner and you, and the age of your kids, finances etc.

Not sure if someone has already mentioned it upthread, but this is similar to what Mother Pukka is doing after their divorce. She hasn't divulged details about where they stay in their week out of the family home and how they're working out costs, but they are nesting and the kids stay put. I think she's done a couple of podcasts talking about the divorce that might be helpful to you.

Best of luck OP, I hope you all find something that works for your new family.

This wouldn't have worked for me. I really value my own space and my home. This was really important to me during the years of my divorce - don't underestimate how hard this can be on you emotionally and for me I needed my own home. I'd have been in a shitty flat (unsurprisingly my exh met someone else and would have been living in her lovely place) and would also have come back to the family home to a mess and all the jobs that he wouldn't have done during his week - I would just have had to fit them into half the time. I would have left him a clean house and a fully stocked fridge and I'd have come back to carnage.

I did look into it actually (as he suggested it - more for his benefit than the children I think) but I remember reading that it doesn't actually benefit the children, who do need more clarity and stability and a clean break.

If you're insistent on it, try a rented flat. And, as others have said, be prepared for him to meet someone else very quickly. I don't know any man who stays single for long.

also confused by all the “what about when you meet someone” comments! You know it’s possible to stay single after splitting? I’m a single parent and I’ve been single for 7 years and I’m early 30s 🤷🏻‍♀️ not everyone jumps back into a relationship 🙄

As someone said upthread relationships are different now. I know people who are married but live in separate houses. One parent joins the family home on a Wednesday and stays until Sunday. So when relationships break up we follow different routes than people did years ago. My ExH would stay at the family home for the weekend and I would go away. He would stay for Christmas. It wasn’t great but we did it for the kids. When my ex h got his own place the kids would sleep on an air bed in the lounge - again many MN peeps would be horrified at this but he could only afford a one bed flat. We all do our best for the kids - or we should try.

It is possible, but posters have been chiming in with their lived experiences which seem to be most men (and some women) quite quickly meet someone else. I was happily single for two years before starting a relationship with a friend. My ex was on tinder within a week of us separating and in a new relationship within two months. I was really surprised by how quickly he moved on.

Everyone is different and whilst OP can speak for herself she doesn't have anyway of knowing how things will play out for her ExH.

I think a lot of men quickly realise after separation just how much their wives actually did for them. It's easier to get a replacement than to actually learn how to look after yourself and the kids on your own. And it's not just the practical things, it's the emotional support as well and having someone to bounce ideas off of or vent to.

In my DHs case he actually did most of the childcare, cooking and cleaning. His ex was abusive so he was actually looking forward to it just being him and the kids and not having to answer to someone else, explain every penny he spent and account for every minute of his day. He vowed to stay single forever then I came along and ruined all his plans! haha!

I think it's a great idea tbh.
If me and my husband did this it wouldn't be long before he stayed in the one bed flat because he would have a massive shock as to what it's actually like to run a home with all the kids/chores/mental load, while also working.

You should also consider the capital gains tax position @quitethelittlekoala - I am assuming FMH is in joint names and so flat will be second property. You will have to pay higher stamp duty and then pay CGT when the time comes to sell.

Your asking for opinions and not liking the answers given.

good luck whatever you choose to do.

Can only speak for my situation as well but posters are acting like it’s inevitable. My ex hasn’t met anyone (significant) either and has not asked to introduce the children to any new partner in 7 years so even if he did meet someone nothing to say he wouldn’t keep it separate

Yep. Apparently the two happiest groups in society are single women and married men. I don't have anymore to do on terms of mental load/childcare/house work than I did when I was married but I have no man child to look after and I get a little break every other weekend.

It’s single child FREE women that are the most happy. People tend to forget that bit.