Buying a flat for separated partners to share – pros and cons?

[quitethelittlekoala]

I read on a thread here recently that someone bought a small flat with their ex after separation, that they each lived in week about in order to allow the DC to remain in the family home all the time.

I am thinking this may be the best solution for my situation, which is relatively mature and amicable, but I'm keen to hear from others who have done this about drawbacks I haven't thought of.

Obviously it would have to be legally watertight with some kind of contract drawn up. Are there any issues with both of us living there one week at a time, in terms of council tax etc, does anyone know? Does one location need to be named as our permanent home – and would that be an issue if, for both of us, that was the family home and not the flat? I have no idea about any of this. Considering a one-bedroom flat where one of us can make the living room their bedroom, but again, not sure if this is legally dodgy in some way. I'm maybe overthinking things.

I can foresee potential issues with things like remedial or upgrading work on either the flat or the house – what happens if one party wants work done and the other doesn't, for example.

Please come at me with any other sticking points you can think of – I want to go into this with my eyes open, but am feeling it's still preferable to making the kids all pack up and move around every week or two. Many thanks.

Teen DC storms home in tears, after a row with friends/break-up. They've forgotten it's changeover day and Dad greets them at the door.

"Oh FFS, I wanted MUM, not YOU"

Cue more sobs and door slamming.

How would your husband cope with this? How would you cope with it? Are the kids allowed round the flat if they really want the other parent? Can the parent whose week "off" it is go to the main home without the "on" parent feeling usurped?

I'm also curious as to why you think all those digs he takes at you will stop once you divorce but are still pseudo living together? Is there a risk it'll just change to pass-agg note leaving? How would that feel for you - could you ignore it better if he weren't your husband?

I think if it can work it's a good plan but those are the things I'd be thinking about (and yes to trying it out via renting initially so it's easier to disentangle - part of divorce is financial separation so it seems risky to immediately re-enter a binding agreement with you STBEx)

For me one of the biggest risks is that financial entanglement, my DH and his ex are very good co parents and have managed a very amicable divorce. We were out for dinner with her last night.

But financially they are completely incompatible, she'd have been buying 'cute' stuff for the flat - for the kids...then asking for more maintenance to cover it etc etc. that Financial separation is so important for you going forward.

Of course it's possible to stay single after splitting but OP asked for advice on what problems might occur with such an arrangement and a new partner in the picture will almost certainly change the dynamic of a previously amicably separated couple. It is an important factor to consider before going ahead.

I know a family that did this short term until the divorce was finalised. It started out okay, but there is reason you are no longer a couple and being so intertwined didn't work well for them by the end of it.

I know someone whose parents did this when they separated. He is now grown up and he said that from his perspective it was great because he and his sibling kept their home intact. Although their parents were coming and going, they didn’t have to move. Their family had this arrangement for about 8 years.

I think it’s a good idea and granted it wouldn’t work for everyone but seems like it would work for you. I would consider it if me and my husband split. It probably won’t be long if your kids are early teens- I stopped staying at my Dads around 15. I suppose at that point you would need to consider the longer term plan.

She didn’t. She asked for pros and cons and drawbacks she hadn’t thought of in a way that clearly meant practical considerations such as getting repairs done.

HTH.

Wow, I thought this thread had run its course - so many new replies! Thanks for all opinions, I haven't got time to answer them all right now but I promise I am reading them all and will come back to the thread. Thank you again. 😊

I’ve read through a few replies & it’s quite obvious that for the majority of people this setup wouldn’t work, however it can work for some & very well too.
we have 2 houses & actually both often stay in one now. We use the other more for a break now. But originally we planned to swap.
We’ve been separated for 2 years & living shared for just over a year. It works for us as our daughter has additional needs & we probably wouldn’t have thought about it otherwise.
My Ex still helps with the gardening, diy. He actually does more now than when we were a couple.
Our focus isn’t on new relationships, it’s on having a stable home for our young disabled daughter. We simply want what is best for our child. Many people would struggle with this type of set up, but that’s usually due to feelings or the relationship being toxic or just because it goes against the norm.
For those that it does work for it can be the best decision, but it would very much depend on individual circumstances/beliefs

FWIW we're currently separating and our kids seem to prefer the idea of two houses to nesting (we're doing the latter for a few months while getting everything sorted). I think it's clearer for them - 'Mum's house' 'Dad's house' - whereas they struggle to understand nesting (they are young teens so not little kids). I can see it has practical benefits for kids but perhaps is more confusing emotionally?

You'd both very likely to be liable for capital gains tax if/when you came to sell a second purchased property. I'd speak to an independent financial advisor before proceeding. 🌹

I think it would be a pain in the arse.

The dcs would live in one place but have two sets if rules depending on the week. Because even if you more or less agree on the big things, you’ll have different ways of doing things. I think that being in the same place could make things more confusing fir the dcs simply because there isn’t the separation in location so they’ll have to constantly think about whose week it is.
eg can you imagine if lets say, he considers biscuits to be ok, buys some and has some left overs in the cupboard at the end if the week. But you dint agree with so many biscuits. And the dcs know there is some in the cupboard. They want them and daddy says it’s ok. They are just there too. How are you going to navigate that?

The house would be neither yours nor his (no possibility to redecorate to help you move on from the separation fur example, get rid of the awful picture he insisted to have in the living room etc etc).
Same with the flat.
So no place to call YOUR home, which also means you’ll never have nowhere to call home. Just somewhere you sleep in iyswim

I think you’ll need much more separation. So you have somewhere to call home, decorated to your taste with what you want there. Somewhere to live your life the way you want it, and with rules you’ve chosen. And Wo ever feeling your ex is breathing down your neck, knowing how you live/what you eat etc…

These are all issues we deal with anyway. He buys DC a pot noodle. I roll my eyes etc That's not going to change. We have negotiated how the house is decorated and we are both reasonably fine with it. Any day an upset child might come home and get either mum or dad, and whoever is there deals with it.

We are planning the same situation op.

If either of us had another partner we would expect to see them on our days in the flat or in their home.

I honestly don't think this is a big deal. We have a cleaner already so no issues about that. And it means the DC can stay organised, with their stuff in their home base.

We are both fairly relaxed about decor etc That just wouldn't be an issue.

We also have loads of friends who have a flat in town and a house outside town, and who live lives of varying degrees of separation, with the kids in one place. I don't see it as much different tbh

Affording it all...now that's another question and sometime are working on!

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I think it would be awful. I like the idea of having a separate life completely separate from the ex and definitely not having to share a space with him. For me, that would be hell on earth!

You say you worry about if the kids are busy and then having to pack them up to go to the other parent, but we do all changeovers at school drop offs / pick ups so they’re already out anyway. We do a 2255 routine and it seems to work well. They only take their school bags (and phones / sport equip) otherwise they have everything they need at the other parent’s house. They seem to like having two “homes”:

I’ll be completely honest here as an older child of divorce (and this is just my experience and family obviously)

I can say as the “child” in this situation (I’m now 41) this wouldn’t have worked for me - for me personally it was better to know that mum and dad had their own happy home and that we were welcome in it (appreciate this isn’t everyone’s experience) I also liked having two separate spaces that weren’t mixed into a broken relationship.

Alot of people have mentioned new partners - and I agree (from both being an adult and a child of divorce) that although you may not be in this frame of mind, that typically husbands (and dads) see this very differently - I would be looking to have an open and very very honest conversation about this before moving forward. My Dad didn’t see it as an immediate thing when he met my step mum 6 months after the divorce - in my experience different people have a different view of short term vs long term.

Children are resilient and will be protected from a lot - including new relationships. In the situation where you share a living space you wouldn’t be protected from this xxx

I'm a family lawyer and have seen this done successfully a few times. The key seems to be -
Separate bedrooms in the flat with locks - I don't think a 1 bed with a bed in the living room sounds at all enjoyable. What if you want friends over for a coffee?
Get a cleaner for the shared spaces in both houses and share the costs.
Very clear rules on everything - food, bills, repairs, maintenance.
Separate bedrooms in the family home with locks.
Open communication to stop issues becoming conflict.

I also think this is going to become a lot more common if house prices remain so high - most families can't afford to sell the matrimonial home and buy 2 suitable properties with room for their children any more, so this is a practical solution to an unavoidable problem.

I think this totally depends on the people. I could make this work. When me and my ex split I took my ds to my mums my ex lived about 2 hours away. He used to come and stay with us at the weekend. He was a different person and I looked forward to our weekends. We were getting on amazingly and I was starting to think I had made a mistake. I went to a night out and it was awful. I decided I’d made a mistake and called him to tell him about this terrible night and there was something about the tone of his voice that made me say you’ve met someone haven’t you ? He said yes and from that phone call we’ve hardly spoken. He wasn’t allowed to speak to me we’ve never had a proper conversation since. I had to deliver my son to a third party. I don’t know what the crazy cow thought would happen if we met.

my point things changed dramatically over night.

what about when the kids want more dad and less you ? Do they get forced into the arrangement?

there are some men who just won’t function without a woman in there lives

My tuppence worth
I considered this for all your reasons but in the end we have two houses

• agree it's less disruption for kids
• ways to mitigate two houses ;
• for two houses we practically buy two sets of school uniform / pe kits for each house except the expensive but they can be put in a school bag or small bag
• drop off / pick up at a natural juncture eg after school / club so we avoid house to house if we can
• one kids is fine with it the other gets annoyed understandably
• three years on I am in a relationship but no one knows / I suspect he is- we keep it seperate - and I'm happy to do this. I feel I put them through this split so I need to do as much as possible not to hurt them again which I suspect is where you are coming from

On reflection I'm glad we have two houses

• it's clear to the kids we are seperate and have our own space
• for my own sanity although I would have put up with it I don't think it would have worked and the kids would have seen us disagree about the main house - the beauty of having two houses is we have less potential to argue - we get on well otherwise

You should try it if you feel it would work though - worse case you have to sell and rebuy anyway - money helps I. This situation obviously with the two sets of things so if you are in a good position you should use your money to make it work the best way possible - a lot of people don't have the luxury and are stuck

Both you and DH are used to being in a relationship and must to some extend enjoy that dynamic - so it would be very weird if both of you split up and spend years without a new partner. My experience is one or the other finds someone within a few months, however adamant you both are that that won’t happen. So prepare for that.

Coming from a child who’s parents split when I was 9, just do the week about in each parents house thing. It’s a hassle to begin with but get used to it. This whole situation sounds like it could become messy and stressful which is the last thing kids need during this big change. A comfortable, happy home with mum and a comfortable, happy home with dad is least stressful and best. They’ll get the hang of the moving about.

A good question would be, how often have seen it not working? Or the parents starting along that line and quickly giving up on the idea?

A PP was saying that it’s only a certain kind of persons who can make it work. I agree. I also think at which point you are getting divorced is another stumbling block. If one or both partners have reached a point where they are hugely resentful of the ex, it’s going to be very hard.
eg let’s imagine the father not pulling his weight despite years if his wife asking suddenly becoming the perfect house maker with the perfectly cleaned and tidy house. I’d the wife was hugely resentful about that, its not going to be easy is it?

“eg let’s imagine the father not pulling his weight despite years if his wife asking suddenly becoming the perfect house maker with the perfectly cleaned and tidy house. I’d the wife was hugely resentful about that, its not going to be easy is it?”

OP has said that isn’t the case here. If it was, I doubt she would be thinking of it at all

@TheGhostOfTheOpera to be honest I've not seen it tried and failed, but with the caveat that most people who come to a family lawyer do so because they don't or can't agree. So they wouldn't have even attempted this.
The people who have come to us to make this work want it to work and come to us to draw up the parameters.
Other caveat - I wouldn't necessarily know if it's worked or not in the long run.