Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Forgiving abusive husband

95 replies

teddy999 · 25/11/2023 00:23

I have posted before, my husband and I have been together over 20 years, since ds was born he changed, he has done nothing since birth of ds, he became this abusive, controlling person who now I know has been gaslighting me, he has smashed things up and thrown stuff out and then denied it, the last straw was when he grabbed a hold of me and wouldn’t let go,the police were involved, everything has always been deemed my fault, it’s where I’m standing that means he’s pushed me, he says I’ve not to make out that he beats me, grabbing and pushing is still wrong,
he has apologised recently and it seems like he means it, he has shown that he is doing more for ds ( he did zero before so anything counts as more)
I asked for him to change but I am not convinced that I want him to be hugging me, touching me or sleeping with him,
can I move on? Before things would be ok for a while and then the silent treatment or whatever punishment he decided would creep back in, he says it’s different this time
if I was to leave I will lose time with my son as he’s decided he wants 50% custody, if I stay I know it’ll go back to 100% of me looking after him, if I leave financially it won’t be great

it seems easier to stay
but what if there’s someone out there in the future who actually cared for me?
it’s been so I long I think I have forgotten what a healthy relationship should be like?

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 25/11/2023 00:40

I don’t expect this ‘change’ will last unless he’s had extensive therapy and actually done something to address his past behaviour. Why do you believe it will be different this time? You deserve more.

Catsknowbest · 25/11/2023 00:41

Ok so this will only get worse...it took me nearly 20 years to finally free myself from an abusive husband who was an expert gaslighter, mentally destroyed me by the end, mocked and disrespected me in front of my child, also severely damaging my relationship with that child. It took me til 42 to find a real relationship where I feel cared for and respected.

Loubelle70 · 25/11/2023 00:44

Please ring us at Womens Aid for support and advice. This is an abusive relationship.

semideponent · 25/11/2023 01:08

Forgiving someone isn't about what's happened in the past or about the other person. It's about the future and allowing the future to be really truly different. To do that, you need to forgive yourself for staying so long.

Ladyj84 · 25/11/2023 01:51

You need to get out they don't change it comes back and worse. Also when I left my abusive relationship the judge actually made a court order that the dad was not allowed near the child and so has never seen him since I walked out 13 years ago when son was a month old

junbean · 25/11/2023 01:53

If you stay you are subjecting your child to abuse. No excuse for that.

Ladyj84 · 25/11/2023 01:53

Sorry forgot to also put I then spent the next 9 years on my own bringing son up not bothered about another relationship and at age 36 met my now Hubby and found what true love is to be given and returned and we now have another 3 children 4 years on and I'm so happy it all fell into place. There is someone who will treat you right you need to get out, heal,take time for yourself and child, build a life and then see what happens

Midsummer23 · 25/11/2023 05:46

I’v just left a relationship nearly exactly the same. 10 years I have two very small kids. Please don’t go back, we mustn’t let these men destroy our children. Mine says he’s changed, he’s charming, started antidepressants & in therapy. Finically I am going to struggle, but it’s worth it- I’m sure uv lived like me with that bad feeling in out of your stomach? I can’t do it anymore. You deserve better, listen to your gut. Call women’s aid. Get angry x

Igmum · 25/11/2023 07:16

Please leave. I stayed with a violent, abusive, gaslighter because I thought it was better for DD to have a father present. It wasn't. His violence damaged her deeply. On Mumsnet abusers often threaten 50/50 but it never happens. This doesn't sound like a man who wants to do loads of childcare.

Good luck

Didsomeonesaydogs · 26/11/2023 06:24

Please read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. He’s spent his entire career running men’s programs and says angry and controlling men do not change without 1) threat of prison and 2) years of therapy. Even then, the relapse rate is something like 95%. It’s a depressing statistic.

orangeginaa · 26/11/2023 06:35

You don't have to be unhappy.

2022NewTimes · 26/11/2023 10:00

@teddy999 - I was with one for nearly 30 years - I promise you they NEVER change. - not without serious counselling and a desire to really change. He is doing the bear minimum to placate you into not leaving - once he feels safe he will revert to type........
He has shown you who he is - believe him. All the insult and verbal and emotional abuse over the years were like tiny cuts - I got to the point where I did not like who he was but still stayed - how crazy is that !!
I left two years ago and I LOVE not being married to him anymore.

Original poster
teddy999 · 26/11/2023 10:54

I feel like I should see it out as then when
it doesn’t work out I can’t be blamed for not letting him “try”

OP posts:
Original poster
teddy999 · 26/11/2023 10:54

Thank you I have started reading this book

OP posts:
Umbellifer · 26/11/2023 10:59

There comes a point in an abusive relationship when it has changed how you feel, whatever "change" he offers now will make no difference to you at all, because he has killed your love for him.

I left my abusive XH three years ago - it wasn't easy, I have had to sell my car and move house, I work longer hours and have had to get used to not seeing the DC when they're with him every other weekend; but life is really good, I feel more settled and happier than I have done for years, I'm a better mum because I have time and energy to spend with the kids rather than spending it protecting them from their father's behaviour, or facilitating his relationship with them. I am not ready for a relationship but I know that if I do meet someone I will not put up with the slightest suggestion of abusive behaviour, now I have recognised it.

Life is short @teddy999 , don't spend it as a shell of yourself, get yourself out of there. I doubt he'll want 50%, they use it as a threat to make you stay - up to now he hasn't even bothered to do the minimum, so he's unlikely to instantly become dad of the year...

You know what you feel, which is nothing. He has destroyed it. You deserve a lot better and it's entirely possible to make it happen, even if it is scary; I promise you it's a lot better on the other side, be brave dear girl, come and join the escape club !

Mumof3confused · 26/11/2023 11:29

You will always get the blame however much you try. That’s just how these men work. You need to detach from what he says or thinks. It doesn’t matter. You know the truth.

Original poster
teddy999 · 26/11/2023 16:01

Thank you for your reply, I commend how strong you are, I am not looking for another relationship either I just want to live in peace

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 26/11/2023 16:04

You CAN start again. Get a lawyer and on the grounds of him not being a safe adult (abusive/violent) negotiate access you are happy with. It's not too late to be happy. Please do this for your DC. You are taking them OUT of a broken home.

Umbellifer · 26/11/2023 17:28

I promise you@teddy999 I didn't feel strong the moment before I told him, I didn't even know I was going to tell him, but something happened, a small thing compared to what had gone before and something in my heart just went "done now, that's enough".

And once had left, after much drama and threats and shouting...the peace, oh the peace, and the sudden lovely feeling that I was free and would never have him back.

You can do it love I promise, and I'm very happy to hold your hand whilst you do it, if that would help xx
.

Original poster
teddy999 · 26/11/2023 18:03

I thank you so much for your support and advice

OP posts:
roseopose · 26/11/2023 18:07

teddy999 · 26/11/2023 10:54

I feel like I should see it out as then when
it doesn’t work out I can’t be blamed for not letting him “try”

You don't have to let him try because he's already done more than enough for you to leave.

2022NewTimes · 26/11/2023 19:19

Umbellifer · 26/11/2023 17:28

I promise you@teddy999 I didn't feel strong the moment before I told him, I didn't even know I was going to tell him, but something happened, a small thing compared to what had gone before and something in my heart just went "done now, that's enough".

And once had left, after much drama and threats and shouting...the peace, oh the peace, and the sudden lovely feeling that I was free and would never have him back.

You can do it love I promise, and I'm very happy to hold your hand whilst you do it, if that would help xx
.

100% agree about leaving . Its been two years since I left and I can honestly say I am at peace with myself - no walking on eggshells - no more dealing with his moods, his screaming rages,his silent treatment...Bliss......

Midsummer23 · 26/11/2023 20:37

@Umbellifer i am in the process of having just left my abuser & your story gives me strength! I can’t believe mines gone & like u it wasn’t a big incident that happened like there has been before, I just felt my heart finally agree with my head & say enough now.
mum question is did urs get worse whilst u were in the process of separating? Mine is being so awful to me as sees me when he comes for kids. Once settlement is complete I can leave for a new home with kids but I just feel stuck in this place ge can still get at me. How is your ex with you now? Do they leave you alone? Also how do your children get on? Sorry to ask so many questions, I’m pleased Iv been brave but it feels a bit ongoing at mo.

Umbellifer · 27/11/2023 19:32

@Midsummer23 yes he got a lot worse, he really showed his true colours and although it wasn't nice, it reassured me that I had made the right decision. These days he keeps trying to be friends, which I am absolutely not interested in, which makes him angry so he goes back into spiteful mode .... The cycle continues, but it mostly doesn't affect me so much now. The kids really struggled at first, especially as I couldn't explain why and said they'd just have to trust me doing the right thing for all of us. They seem less unsettled now and the bond between us just gets stronger, there are times when they are upset (he talks to them frequently about how sad he is and that what has happened isn't fair) and I do my best to reassure them without saying anything horrible about him, tempting as it sometimes is. I keep telling myself that one day they will understand but for now the best thing I can offer them is love and stability and steadiness, so I do that. I well remember how brutal it is, you've done really well just keep going, one step at a time, and one day it will be over, and the sun will come out again xxx

Midsummer23 · 30/11/2023 19:50

@Umbellifer thank you for replying, you don’t know how much your story & words have given me strength, your story is my survival guide! OP I’m sorry for jumping on your post & I hope your doing okay

Swipe left for the next trending thread