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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Forgiving abusive husband

95 replies

teddy999 · 25/11/2023 00:23

I have posted before, my husband and I have been together over 20 years, since ds was born he changed, he has done nothing since birth of ds, he became this abusive, controlling person who now I know has been gaslighting me, he has smashed things up and thrown stuff out and then denied it, the last straw was when he grabbed a hold of me and wouldn’t let go,the police were involved, everything has always been deemed my fault, it’s where I’m standing that means he’s pushed me, he says I’ve not to make out that he beats me, grabbing and pushing is still wrong,
he has apologised recently and it seems like he means it, he has shown that he is doing more for ds ( he did zero before so anything counts as more)
I asked for him to change but I am not convinced that I want him to be hugging me, touching me or sleeping with him,
can I move on? Before things would be ok for a while and then the silent treatment or whatever punishment he decided would creep back in, he says it’s different this time
if I was to leave I will lose time with my son as he’s decided he wants 50% custody, if I stay I know it’ll go back to 100% of me looking after him, if I leave financially it won’t be great

it seems easier to stay
but what if there’s someone out there in the future who actually cared for me?
it’s been so I long I think I have forgotten what a healthy relationship should be like?

OP posts:
Umbellifer · 01/12/2023 07:04

@teddy999 how's things my dear, always here for a chat if that would be helpful x

Original poster
teddy999 · 01/12/2023 17:01

Hey thanks
things are ok
however he had a go at me last night because his lawyer told him that I have asked for a screen in the court (I haven’t asked for anything) he can’t see his behaviour is still the same he is still blaming me first before asking anything
he also thinks because he didn’t’ beat me’ that it’s not a big deal , he had grabbed me and wouldn’t let go causing bruises to my hands and arms, he’s pushed me a couple of time but that was also my fault because of where I was standing,
he’s asked me to tell the court we want to try and mend our relationship, deep down I do not feel this way, I think he has killed the love I had for him

OP posts:
Umbellifer · 01/12/2023 18:38

Hold on to what you think @teddy999 , not what he tells you to think. It really helped me to make a list of everything that happened, and add to it as necessary; this gave me something to check back with when XH tried to convince me it wasn't that bad, it reminded me of my own feelings on things. I think you're right, he has killed your love...and he is realising he's gone too far, that's why he's panicking. Use your detachment to keep moving away from him, you can do this xx

Original poster
teddy999 · 01/12/2023 18:46

He tells me he only wants me that he cares for me but he regularly says “I’m done” “do what you like I don’t care” seems to me if he cared he would be doing everything he could to make things right but he’s still threatening to leave , he still wants to be manipulative and controlling, he can do what he likes , If he wants to stay together he can start showing he gives a f&ck

OP posts:
Umbellifer · 01/12/2023 19:02

Call his bluff, when he threatens to leave let him. I understand why you're still waiting for the right response from him...I remember that so well..but it'll only last until the next time. Concentrate on what you feel, on what you don't feel any more. And make your decision rather than waiting for his.

Original poster
teddy999 · 05/12/2023 16:13

I have just spoken to assist about the upcoming court case, assist help me see what is happening and that I am still being manipulated, nail conditions say he should not make contact but he has in fact moved back in as ‘we’ want to work on our relationship, I am not at the stage where I feel that I don’t, however I am not willing to tell the police he is there as this will be twisted round and used against me with my son, I know it’s over but it seems so hard to move forward, perhaps the court case being done will help, however the police are looking into an accusation my son made
I am so alone and don’t have anyone to talk to about this situation

OP posts:
Umbellifer · 06/12/2023 12:39

Where you are is the most difficult stage I think, wanting to leave but not quite being ready to jump. But see how you are tying yourself in knots @teddy999 , conditions say one thing but you're allowing something else and actually working against your own best interests by not reporting him - because of your fear that he will twist it...this is how he keeps you trapped, trying to control a situation that you can't control because he's still controlling it. Only when you are truly "done" will you be able to control how everything goes, I know exactly how hard it is, but one day, hopefully soon, you will be ready.

Original poster
teddy999 · 06/12/2023 13:14

He had a hearing yesterday but hasn’t spoken to at all yesterday, he is still controlling things but then I question myself, I know I need to remember everything has happened before, there is now another case looming as he had involved my son in one of his episodes

OP posts:
Morewineplease10 · 06/12/2023 13:30

If you can prove he's abusive, he's very unlikely to get 50/50 maintenance.

How old is your son? Courts usually ask where they want to be and go with thst, unless there are serious issues.

Umbellifer · 06/12/2023 13:53

Write everything downwith dates @teddy999 , so that when you are doubting yourself you can read through it all and remind yourself what has happened. It is SO hard to hold into it, but if you have a list then it's there in black and white...

HerMammy · 06/12/2023 14:08

nail conditions say he should not make contact but he has in fact moved back in as ‘we’ want to work on our relationship, I am not at the stage where I feel that I don’t, however I am not willing to tell the police he is there as this will be twisted round and used against me with my son,
You need to see this is manipulation, it won't be looked upon favourably that you've encouraged him to break bail conditions. Please find the strength to get him out, yes it'll be hard intially but better in the long run.

BeyondMeasure · 06/12/2023 14:13

If he had changed, he would not be violating bail conditions, he'd be following the rules.

Original poster
teddy999 · 06/12/2023 16:57

7

OP posts:
Original poster
teddy999 · 06/12/2023 16:59

I have not encouraged him
he just moved himself back in he seemed to fall out with his mother
I am not to blame for him moving back in

OP posts:
Original poster
teddy999 · 06/12/2023 16:59

This is something I have done I have screen shots of his text messages too

OP posts:
Midsummer23 · 06/12/2023 19:46

@teddy999 no you are not to blame at all, you are dealing with a horrible situation & doing the best you can. I hope your able to find little bits of time to take care of yourself & digest things

HerMammy · 06/12/2023 21:26

@teddy999
You need to have him removed form the home, if you call the police they will remove him. Falling out with his mother is not your problem, he can go somewhere else.
It really does weaken the case against him when you've allowed him to stay in the home, he has to be removed, it's not up to him to come and go.
Is it your house? joint?

Original poster
teddy999 · 06/12/2023 21:52

It is a joint house
the last few days things are happening like they did before where I start to question my sanity
things are going missing, other things are bing mysteriously knocked over (gaslighting again)
I have not allowed him to be here
I have asked him to leave

OP posts:
HerMammy · 06/12/2023 22:11

You call the police, they will remove him as he's breaking his bail conditions.

Original poster
teddy999 · 06/12/2023 23:38

I don’t see him telling the court he has broken his bail conditions repeatedly

OP posts:
HerMammy · 06/12/2023 23:44

I'm not sure why you can't seem to understand, you call the police and tell them he's in your house, they arrest him and revoke his bail thus removing him from your home.
I can assure you it won't do you any favours if it's made known you're 'trying' to sort things out, case could be dismissed, your back to square one.

adriftabroad · 06/12/2023 23:54

Please listen OP

Umbellifer · 07/12/2023 08:08

It's him making you question your sanity @teddy999 my XH did exactly the same, things disappeared, important things (and he then pretended to help look for them), things got broken (always my things) and I started to wonder if I was losing my mind...I can now see this very clearly, but when it was happening I was just bewildered and exhausted.

No need to ask him to leave, just tell the police and let them sort it out; that way it's also on record that you haven't allowed him to be there, he's there against your will.

This is the toughest bit love, but you can get through it, we will help you xxxx

Original poster
teddy999 · 07/12/2023 08:15

I just don’t know anymore if I make a decision because ‘I’ make the decision or if it’s been manipulated, do I make it because people tell me to? I don’t know if I can make decisions independently anymore?

OP posts:
Umbellifer · 07/12/2023 08:22

Oh love, I get it I really do. You don't know which way is up atm, he's messed with your head so much. First step is get him out of the house - if it helps that I'm making that decision for you then I am. Call the police so they'll come and get him. Then at least you'll have some physical safe space to call your own, that will be a good start. Just do this one thing for now, this is me helping you make the decision xxx

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