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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Forgiving abusive husband

95 replies

teddy999 · 25/11/2023 00:23

I have posted before, my husband and I have been together over 20 years, since ds was born he changed, he has done nothing since birth of ds, he became this abusive, controlling person who now I know has been gaslighting me, he has smashed things up and thrown stuff out and then denied it, the last straw was when he grabbed a hold of me and wouldn’t let go,the police were involved, everything has always been deemed my fault, it’s where I’m standing that means he’s pushed me, he says I’ve not to make out that he beats me, grabbing and pushing is still wrong,
he has apologised recently and it seems like he means it, he has shown that he is doing more for ds ( he did zero before so anything counts as more)
I asked for him to change but I am not convinced that I want him to be hugging me, touching me or sleeping with him,
can I move on? Before things would be ok for a while and then the silent treatment or whatever punishment he decided would creep back in, he says it’s different this time
if I was to leave I will lose time with my son as he’s decided he wants 50% custody, if I stay I know it’ll go back to 100% of me looking after him, if I leave financially it won’t be great

it seems easier to stay
but what if there’s someone out there in the future who actually cared for me?
it’s been so I long I think I have forgotten what a healthy relationship should be like?

OP posts:

Original poster

teddy999 · 13/12/2023 12:30

I have made it stop

OP posts:

Terrribletwos · 13/12/2023 13:19

How have you made it stop?

The fact that you say you've been so long in this situation you have forgotten what it feels like to have a healthy relationship is very telling. He has done this to you! You no longer know how you actually feel. This is evident that you are so long down the road of abuse that you actually don't know how you feel! It's so sad! But not irreversible. You must take stock and find your anger! And use this anger to turn your life around. It was only when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and found my anger against him that was when I actually changed things and motivated myself to moving forward and changing things. You must do this!

Umbellifer · 13/12/2023 13:23

Well done @teddy999 , what have you been able to do?

Original poster

teddy999 · 13/12/2023 14:38

He was talking to me last night telling me he needs to know what’s happening because he’s buying a car! So he needs to know if we’re staying in the house but not as a couple,
he wants to get the court thing out the way , he’s refusing to say he’s guilty, he wants to know if there will be a non harassment order, because that will force the sale of the house, I pointed out he’s ignoring the bail conditions now so why would it be different, he’s said he’s moving back out, he also said he’ll get a van and take ‘his stuff’ , I have explained he doesn’t decide what to take he said well I’ll sell it then and we get half , he also insulted me by asking if I had met someone else

OP posts:

stomachameleon · 13/12/2023 15:10

@teddy999 he needs to go now. You are letting him call the shots.
I get why. But take agency of your future. Phone the police and have him removed. Start fighting back.

lovenotwar149 · 13/12/2023 15:14

Sounds horrible for you. Leaving is easier said than done ,I know! Especially when you share a child together. Educate yourself on toxic relationships. Google 'Dr Ramini' on YouTube. I have learnt a lot from her channel.

lovenotwar149 · 13/12/2023 15:15

DO NOT tolerate any violence from him. Call the place if this happens

lovenotwar149 · 13/12/2023 15:17

AND pls pls think of your child first and their needs.My parents fought like animals infront of me for as long as I can remember. Leaving aside the impact it has had on my life , I no longer want anything todo with them. Its sooo sooo sad

lovenotwar149 · 13/12/2023 15:18

I meant call the police

Original poster

teddy999 · 13/12/2023 22:44

He has moved out , tonight my dc was upset saying he would miss his daddy, within a few minutes he was ok, this is where the guilt lies, then my husband text to say our child will be heartbroken if we can’t live in the same house now I’ve to”tell him what to do and he will do it” suddenly he wants to do the right thing but all these years I’ve asked him to stop abusing us and nothing would stop it

OP posts:

stomachameleon · 13/12/2023 22:50

You have done the right thing. Your child is fine he has shown that and will appreciate a calm existence and a mum not living in fear.

I am immensely proud of you!

Your child will not be heartbroken. He will miss his dad yes but there is no reason that dad can't have a brilliant relationship with him away from you when the dust has settled.

Doing the right thing btw would be pleading guilty to not put you through a trial.

Washed · 13/12/2023 23:52

teddy999 · 13/12/2023 22:44

So happy for you. I would imagine it's such mixed feelings; the sorrow of the loss of your relationship (or the one you mistakenly thought you had) and the worry for your child. Loge that he didn't seem to notice. I suspect it wjll actually be a kid lifted for both of you.

Kindly... you need to stop looking to him to feel guilt, remorse or change. It's not gonna happen. He might promise it but it's not going to happen.

Just take good care and don't rush into anything. Again, well done you. Live free.

Original poster

teddy999 · 14/12/2023 09:44

I agree but he has refused to plead guilty

OP posts:

Original poster

teddy999 · 14/12/2023 09:48

I am livid last night I was out with friends, my husband had our dc, I came home to find my dc’s stuff I the house but he wasn’t there a ew minutes later he appeared, today my dc asked why my friend dropped me off, how would he know that he wasn’t there, turns out they had come in seen I wasn’t there but my car was, so parked down the street to spy on me!! This is after accusing me the day before of having someone else
I am livid

OP posts:

stomachameleon · 14/12/2023 10:12

Sorry I have no idea what possessed you to do either of those things. You have just got rid of him and now he is back? Babysitting? Why?

Original poster

teddy999 · 14/12/2023 15:48

He has the right to see his child

OP posts:

stomachameleon · 14/12/2023 16:40

@teddy999 I wish you good luck. I am out.

HerMammy · 14/12/2023 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

adriftabroad · 14/12/2023 20:31

I am afraid you are losing respect.

Mainly for yourself.

christmaswithsanta2 · 14/12/2023 20:49

teddy999 · 14/12/2023 15:48

He has the right to see his child

Under law it is children who have rights, not parents. Parents have responsibilities. If your partner has been abusive to you, he will most likely be abusive to your child too, and possibly use your child as a pawn. Taking your child with him to spy on you is pretty damn poor parenting to put it mildly. You need to understand your child's needs around contact, and manage it so as to make sure it is all in the best interests of your child and that your child is safe and well. I wouldn't let your partner babysit unsupervised in your shoes.

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