Forgiving abusive husband

[teddy999]

I have posted before, my husband and I have been together over 20 years, since ds was born he changed, he has done nothing since birth of ds, he became this abusive, controlling person who now I know has been gaslighting me, he has smashed things up and thrown stuff out and then denied it, the last straw was when he grabbed a hold of me and wouldn’t let go,the police were involved, everything has always been deemed my fault, it’s where I’m standing that means he’s pushed me, he says I’ve not to make out that he beats me, grabbing and pushing is still wrong,
he has apologised recently and it seems like he means it, he has shown that he is doing more for ds ( he did zero before so anything counts as more)
I asked for him to change but I am not convinced that I want him to be hugging me, touching me or sleeping with him,
can I move on? Before things would be ok for a while and then the silent treatment or whatever punishment he decided would creep back in, he says it’s different this time
if I was to leave I will lose time with my son as he’s decided he wants 50% custody, if I stay I know it’ll go back to 100% of me looking after him, if I leave financially it won’t be great

it seems easier to stay
but what if there’s someone out there in the future who actually cared for me?
it’s been so I long I think I have forgotten what a healthy relationship should be like?

@Umbellifer is 100% correct. Your life will get better.
You need it on record. Yes, also happened to me.

This is so true.

And if you get sucked back in you end up losing your energy to leave.

If I understand correctly he's also assaulted your son, and he's somehow in the house with both his victims? Call the police now!

him doing 5% of the parenting isn’t an improvement. He’s still not doing what he should be doing as a parent and it’s you and your child who will suffer. You deserve so much more than being abused and by staying with someone who doesn’t love you, you’re missing out on meeting someone who does. Your child won’t thank you for staying in an unhappy home x

It was easier when he was out of the house but he would always try to rally to me or argue for 2 hours about things I should be doing , I repeatedly asked him to just drop of our son and go

Please call the police and stop letting him into your home- change the locks.
It will not look good for you in court that you continually allow your abuser back into your home.
They will question your ability to protect your children !
Please stop listening to him
Please just get him out of your house

@singlemum93
I have said this several times but OP doesn't seem willing to take any advice on board.

I am not letting him be here he is the abuser

people on here are making out as if it is my fault

him being here is him manipulating me and controlling me

he has threatened previously to keep my son from me , to burn the house down, what will he do to me if I tell them he is here

and what will they do to me since people on here think I am ‘letting ‘ a 6ft 20+ stone man be here

You lift the phone and call police, he will be removed for breaking bail conditions. It's not hard.

Spoke to online support for those in abusive relationship, I will contact my lawyer as people on here now have me thinking that I will be blamed for him manipulating me into things, he came back all on his own, told me he cared wanted to try again that he was sorry it would be different from now on , it was for a short time now he’s back to silent treatment, hiding things , disrespecting me, today pushed past me when we were in a shop, still manipulating me getting me to email people to try and stop the court case against him, as I said before I don’t k is if any of my decisions are mine anymore

I don’t think I am
allow to change the locks

@teddy999 I Don't blame you I just want you to do what's best for you and your little boy speaking to the police or women's aid will help you make sense of the next steps.

We are all here for you

You should be fine to change the locks, there's nothing inherently illegal about either owner changing the locks, just normally if they ask and have a right to enter as a joint owner, you then have to provide a copy of the key, but I don't know if that last bit is necessary if bail conditions say he's not allowed to be there.

I don't blame you, I know how much people like this can mess up your mind and how you can feel like you have no idea what's reasonable or ok and how scary it is to stand up to them. The problem is not that court will blame you so much but that him being there and you not doing anything about that can undermine your case in court. It he's breaking bail conditions and you call the cops that's a good way to get him out of your house and could be really useful to keep your son safe from him.

He has an ulterior motive for suddenly doing an about turn and being nice to you.

Probably realised that no one else wants him.

Those of you who are victim-blaming should be ashamed of yourselves; @teddy999 well done for ringing the helpline, that's a good step forward. I don't know about changing the locks - whether it's a good idea or not, my solicitor advised against it but my situation was different to yours. I did do it eventually, after the divorce, to stop him coming in and taking stuff - even this morning I have realised things are missing, it totally f+cks with your head.

Keep going dear girl, we are here for you xxxx

@Umbellifer
It's not victim blaming, OP has been told repeatedly to call the police to remove him as he's breaking bail
conditions and she's blatantly ignoring that advice, it will not help the court case if she doesn't remove him, it's a phone call.

I really feel for you as I am in a very similar situation. I actually posted for the first time on here today about it.

I have been with my husband for over 25 years and I now wish I had left when the children were young. He has been abusive for years (never hit me) but has thrown things, broken things and called me all the names under the sun. He also stonewalls me and doesn’t speak to me for hours or days and I never know why. He won’t give me an explanation when I ask. He never takes accountability for anything and blames me for anything and everything. Yesterday he called me a fat cow for nibbling on a tiny bit of cheese whilst I was preparing a meal for dinner.

It’s a difficult situation to be in and the thought of leaving is daunting, especially as I have been with him for the whole of my adult life so far. But I also don’t want to live like this any more.

I hope both you and I find some peace going forward.xx

So sorry to hear this
I have been with my husband for 20+ years also
he has pushed me, smashed stuff grabbed me,he also puts stuff in the bin and then lies about it, he tells me I’m emotional and needy, it’s all in my head and everything is my fault, he’s here manipulating me by breaking his bail conditions,still hiding stuff, last night it was the tv buttons 🙄 we have court soon for one of his outbursts, does he seriously think we can go back to normal after all this

*we have court' no he has court.
Have you called the police yet??

You need to stop thinking about what he thinks and feels and start concentrating on your own view of life, because I suspect you have been under so much control that you don't even know what your thoughts are and certainly can never feel that you are a reliable enough person to weigh up your own decisions, but instead need to be told what to do by somebody else?

You’re totally right , I don’t k ow what to think anymore, people on here say things assist say things and I don’t know what to think

But yet again my son and I have to suffer , when will he be punished for his behaviour? My son and I have to face court because he won’t say he’s guilty, more than likely my son will have to leave the only house he’s ever known because of his dad , when will he pay for his behaviour

I don't understand this. Is there something else going on with you? Are you neuro diverse? He can't just decide to come back and your response is 'well he came back because he wants to' . You have agency. Call the police, get him out. He will probably pay for his behaviour faster when you tell the police that he has broken his bail conditions. You will get immediate result, the police will remove him.

Not wishing to sound brutal, but you and your son will suffer until you decide to make it stop. Nobody is going to rescue you, your son can't (even though in the future he might look back and wish he could have done if you did not) and no organisation can either. Not even the police or a court. It has to come from you.

If you wait like a rabbit, frozen in the headlight until some saviour, like the court system, or a policeman, comes to rescue you from this awful man, then you will never be free. It is not going to happen.

You will only be free of the suffering at this man's hand when you decide that you will take action to make it stop. The world is set up in such a way that you are able to do that if you choose to, but for some strange reason you are choosing not to. The problem is that sometimes we take things on the chin and put up with things that we should never have to put up with, and then when we have children they are treated as an extension of us, which means they also have to put up with anything we are putting up with, even though we would prefer that a child doesn't have to suffer it and they have no choice to suffer or make steps to get free.

I don't know whether it is some kind of childhood trauma that has shaped you into being a person who is frozen by indecision, or whether it is the abusive relationship you have been in for so long, but almost it doesn't matter. What matters is that you take steps, even if you don't feel strong enough, and even if it seems he's getting away with everything. Can't wait till somebody comes and deals out justice for you. He may always appear to get away with it. But that doesn't mean you have to continue to suffer or make your child continue to suffer it.

Only you can make it stop.