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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

How did you work out child maintenance amount?

85 replies

Coffee473 · 22/10/2023 16:54

My exH is throwing his toys out of the pram about maintenance and thinks the amount I have asked him for, using the government child
maintenance calculator here https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance is too high.

According to him he’s “asked around” and most people don’t use that, they just use a figure that works for them. He also doesn’t think he needs to pay anything extra (such as cost of school dinners, uniform etc) despite the fact that he has them 3 nights a week.

For context, he is a very high earner (over £100k) so the amount is probably higher than a lot of people.

I have no idea who he has been asking, probably the various single mums he has dated. But just out of curiosity, if you are divorced/separated, how have you worked out the maintenance costs?

Calculate your child maintenance

Use this calculator to work out an amount of child maintenance for your children.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

OP posts:

BouncyBallBall · 22/10/2023 16:58

If he has them 3 night a week it would be very easy do do a straight 50/50 then no-one would need to pay anything? Are you sure it is 3 or less ?
What did it come out as? About £175 a week?

Kate9423 · 22/10/2023 17:03

Asking around and determining that 'noone uses' the CM calculations is hilarious.

If you aren't happy with the amount he proposes then go through Child maintenance service properly and let them determine a figure. If he's a high earner then it's likely he'll be made to pay a fair amount, which clearly he's not happy about.

Soontobe60 · 22/10/2023 17:05

If you go through CMS, then her right, he doesn’t need to pay for any extras.

autumn666 · 22/10/2023 17:09

He should cover costs on his time though, as CMS will have been reduced to allow for that, so should provide clothes, school dinners, etc for those days.

Original poster

Coffee473 · 22/10/2023 17:10

@Soontobe60 by ‘extras’ he means paying for their school dinners or buying school uniform for when they are at his house.

OP posts:

Sandalholidays12 · 22/10/2023 17:12

How many overnights will he do each week OP? Just contact CMS be prepearee for him to hide his earnings though if he's unreasonable.

Original poster

Coffee473 · 22/10/2023 17:13

DD also has a tutor- when we arranged it he agreed to pay half. Now every time the bill comes and I ask for his half he says “but I paid for them to go bowling/ gave DD money to go to the cinema etc so I shouldn’t have to pay”

OP posts:

LemonTT · 22/10/2023 17:15

Just use CMS. He probably won’t pay extras if you compromise anyway. But he is correct that he doesn’t need to pay for anything on top of that.

It’s not a bad idea to discuss other options. Because he could also manipulate his taxable income with pensions etc. See what he is offering and then compare to what you could get with CMS.

BoohooWoohoo · 22/10/2023 17:16

Time to suggest that you use CMS for fairness. It'a the legal minimum so if he says that amount only then you wouldn't get more.

You are correct that he is responsible for costs at his house including uniform and any childcare on his days. With 13 weeks of school holidays a year, make sure he books rather than use you.

Original poster

Coffee473 · 22/10/2023 17:19

The schedule we agreed he has them EOW (Fri and Sat) and 2 nights in the week, so it works out as an average of 3 nights a week. In reality, often DS just goes there for tea in the week and comes back home, or says he doesn’t want to go. So on the CMS calculator we have been using the 2-3 nights a week calculation. I’d be happy to use the ‘3-4 nights but not half the time’ calculation if I knew I could rely on him to genuinely split costs such as uniform/school trips, but it already depends on his mood whether he will pay for things or not.

I should add there have been more than one occasion where the DC have told me ‘oh dad’s away this week so we can’t go there’. So the 2 nights in the week are not 100% of the time.

OP posts:

Spacecowboys · 22/10/2023 17:22

I’d be suggesting he pay for half of everything - uniform, clothing, school trips, clubs, social spends and perhaps - given that 3 nights a week is almost 50/50, either nil or just a small amount of maintenance to make up for that one night per week. Personally can’t understand why someone on over 100k would be splitting hairs about paying ‘half’ for a tutor, surely he can afford it and it’s for dc’s benefit.

Darthwazette · 22/10/2023 17:23

ExH is a reasonably high earner. He gives me £1,200 pcm as that’s that the CMS calculator suggests. I think that’s the usual starting point - it’s the legal minimum!

He won’t give me a penny more though for anything extra which is fine. I know what I’m getting and when I’m getting it.

Original poster

Coffee473 · 22/10/2023 17:24

@Darthwazette thanks, can I ask how many kids and how many nights?

OP posts:

WrongSwanson · 22/10/2023 17:29

DH pays the CMS amount and he also pays half of school uniform, tutors and trips etc on top.

Their mum also hates spending money (she's mortgage free in a 5 bed house, decent salary) so we are also the only ones that give the children pocket money or take them anywhere 🤷‍♀️ . We are probably suckers but feels better than risking his children missing out . She can count her savings all the way to her grave if it makes her happy.

My ex was an abusive arse but does pay the CMS minimum after a few years of trying to resist (albeit I am sure he earns a lot cash in hand too) . He won't pay for anything else but on the other hand my children know who funds all their hobbies and fun and they are very grateful to me and DH.

So yeah, in sum your ex is being tight. It's not an admirable feature but then (like with DH ex) there's probably a reason you left them!

Children tend to figure out which parents put them first and which parents didn't

Original poster

Coffee473 · 22/10/2023 17:33

According to the CMS calculator, on 2-3 nights he should pay £950. I should add this is an amount that was agreed in mediation, and he also agreed to split extracurricular stuff. But now he’s changed his mind. He thinks “most people pay around £400” I have no idea who “most people” are! I have said that’s too little and asked him to suggest what he thinks is a reasonable amount, he has yet to reply…

A few months ago when communication between us was really bad, in desperation I contacted CMS. He got a letter from them and hit the roof! In the end I backed down and suggested mediation as an alternative. And now here we are.

OP posts:

WrongSwanson · 22/10/2023 17:35

Just go to CMS. Don't let him drag it out any more. Decent men don't shirk their responsibilities. If he doesn't pay, CMS can switch to collect and pay.

Scissor · 22/10/2023 17:39

I'm not certain given your description of how their time with their dad is actually happening that you are being realistic about the load you are carrying.
The nights should be only negotiable with prior agreement, this sounds a complete muddle already.

Original poster

Coffee473 · 22/10/2023 17:39

I should also add I actually haven’t asked him for money towards clubs etc the DC do- just that I expect him to pay a share of the cost of school dinners, school shoes and school trips. I also give them pocket money and a clothing allowance and don’t ask him for a contribution to that.

OP posts:

Scissor · 22/10/2023 17:44

Are you keeping a note of when the children are actually staying? Can you go back and look at the true picture of what is happening..

He can't just go away with no communication about where the children are to be if he is scheduled to have them. What about when you have plans/new job/new life and you are not available for his days?

Original poster

Coffee473 · 22/10/2023 17:51

@Scissor I was keeping a note before we saw the mediator- it was on average DD 3 days and DS 2 days. I think I will go back through the calendar for the last couple of months and try to calculate it again.

I completely agree he shouldn’t just take off and not tell me. But that’s what he does. Sometimes the DC just turn up here early when I’m not expecting them as he’s gone out. I don’t think he expects me to ever have any plans!

But equally sometimes DD (14) will decide to stay with him an extra night, usually when he’s missed their usual day. As PP said, it is all pretty muddled. But the DC are getting to the age (14 and 12) where sometimes they vote with their feet/change their mind depending on what’s for dinner at each house.

OP posts:

FSTraining · 22/10/2023 20:51

I would say with the split of nights it's normally either what the calculator says or a lower figure plus splitting costs like uniform, school trips etc 50/50. If he had them less nights he might feel morally obliged to pay more than the calculator says but I think given it's more than 60/40 and the CMS calculator doesn't reduce all that much until the cliff edge of 0 when it is 50/50, I think the £950 and no extras is fair and the legal expectation too.

MumLass · 23/10/2023 09:49

My ex pays the amount recommended by the gov calculator. He also pays 50% of the fees for our eldest who is at private school.
I buy everything, even clothes for them to wear at his house. I pay all of activities, clubs, school trips, wrap around care for youngest, pay into their savings, give them pocket money. We are splitting their birthday and Christmas costs but that's the only time I have suggested he contributes anything extra.

Original poster

Coffee473 · 23/10/2023 10:08

@MumLass how many nights does he have them? I used to pay for everything when the DC were with me full time but now that we have moved to this 3 days/4 days system I think he should at the very least pay for school dinners on the days that they are with him and contribute to school uniform.

OP posts:

MumLass · 23/10/2023 10:14

Coffee473 · 23/10/2023 10:08

He has them on average 3 nights a week. I'm also paying 100% of the mortgage. He's renting somewhere nearby until the house is sold.

The more I think about it the more I realise I'm getting a shit deal here!

wildwestpioneer · 23/10/2023 10:18

Just use CMS for 2/3 nights and presume he won't pay for anything else. In my experience it's just easier this way. My ex promised to pay for all sorts of things but getting the money out of him was like getting blood out of a stone.

As for 'most people pay £400, and don't use cms' is laughable. Just ignore him and go via CMS, if the money doesn't come from him let the cms know and they will collect it direct from source and he'll pay 20% extra for his troubles

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