Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Husband wants to keep the house and kids- all for money

90 replies

Baffers100 · 16/10/2023 14:09

I need some help- I am a year in to a divorce, still living in the same house (separate rooms). We have a 3 and 7 year old.

We are mediating but it is going slowly. He has confessed he is dragging his feet. He doesn't want any changes until September 2024 when our youngest is at school and he doesn't have nursery fees (which he pays 50% at most, it's only this last year I've stopped bank rolling him).

He wants to stay in the house until our youngest is 18- citing it will be cheaper for him than buying or renting. He thinks as I earn more than him, I can afford to move out, still contribute to the mortgage here, pay him maintenance to support the kids of £500 per month and be the sole provider for all school runs, or cover any childminder costs if I can't do it. He's expecting I have the kids every other weekend.

I want 50/50 custody as it is best for the children- they need both of their parents. I can't afford to pay the mortgage here and my own property, hence co-habiting until finances are agreed upon.

He is planning on taking me to court to get the house and kids. Is he talking total utter tosh and I shouldn't be worried? Just concerned I seem to have a dirty battle on my hands. Can't believe he thinks the kids are better off only seeing me on occasion (properly I mean, not just school runs!) It all seems to be motivated by money and not their welfare.
I earn more than him (he's on £43k base, I am on £68,500k base).

OP posts:

gamerchick · 16/10/2023 14:11

I'd probably put all of this in the hands of solicitors tbh. It sounds complicated.

Theunamedcat · 16/10/2023 14:13

Who does the school run now? Courts favour the status quo but 50/50 is generally more acceptable

Theunamedcat · 16/10/2023 14:15

Also you will each be liable for your own housing costs spousal support doesn't exist realistically anymore and he wouldn't really get that on his wages anyway

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/10/2023 14:15

He sounds a charmer. You need legal advice.

FSTraining · 16/10/2023 14:17

He might not be talking utter tosh but there is no way he will take it to court. Court tends to favour the stronger party if you want the FMH sold because 1) Mesher Orders are rare and 2) Even if they would work in your case, spending a bit on lawyers and making it unaffordable to stay in the FMH normally does the trick.

millymollymoomoo · 16/10/2023 14:17

He’s in for a shock !
I imagine your net monthly take homes are not overly dissimilar
do you have a solicitor ?

theduchessofspork · 16/10/2023 14:22

He’s talking tosh -

However you are well beyond mediation OP - see a solicitor this week, take your financials and see how all that will break down, make a plan, and then tell him. Don’t warn him you are changing approach in advance because he’s clearly a little fucker.

Mediation is great, but it only works for co-operative parents, otherwise it just becomes an opportunity for manipulation. It’s like trying to have marriage counselling with an abusive spouse - you can’t.

LadyDanburysHat · 16/10/2023 14:26

I thought you were going to say you earned 4 times him or something like that. Your salaries are really not that disparate.

But as a pp said mediation won't work. Get a solicitor and get it done.

Goldbar · 16/10/2023 14:30

Who does the school run/nursery run atm?

Tbh, in your shoes I would be so furious with his idiotic suggestion that I would walk out tomorrow morning first thing, leaving him with both kids to get ready and take for school/nursery before work. And then text him "hope you haven't forgot about pick-up, homework, dinner and bath since you're taking the lead from now on".

If he wants to be the main carer, he may as well start practising now. And it will serve him in good stead if you do get a 50/50 split.

GingerIsBest · 16/10/2023 14:34

The only way he's going to get the bulk of custody is if he can prove that he is doing the bulk of childcare currently? But if you are the one doing while ALSO bankrolling him, I think it's pretty unlikely any court is going to agree with him.

Maxiedog123 · 16/10/2023 14:42

I think realistically you're heading for court, seems very unlikely that your ex is going to agree to anything reasonable in mediation.
It seems to.me very unlikely that he will get what he wants from court , the house and all but EOW with the kids, unless he can demonstrate that he is much more the main carer than you. Keep any messages from him about you doing the school runs and continue to demonstrably share or do most of the caring.

EasterFlower · 16/10/2023 14:47

Well he's talking total bollocks about you doing the school runs during his contact time. That'll be on him to sort out or pay for assistance. You'll sort it out during your contact times, which will be never if you're only doing EOW.

You can look on a calculator somewhere, I expect, to see how much maintenance you'd have to pay if you did move out. Whether he spends it on the mortgage or something else is up to him. You wouldn't have to pay more than whatever CMS says you'd have to pay and look how that works out for women trying to claim it from their ex! The most you'd pay in terms of children's costs is CMS payment, clothes/ food/hobbies/trips /childcare etc when they're with you. You'd have zero obligations to pay for anything they needed at his house eg school uniform, school trips, holiday he takes them on, toys or electronics for them to use there, winter coat or anything else.

I've no idea about paying the mortgage, either how much or whether you'd have to at all, but you'd benefit from the house price rise when it came time to sell it at least.

He wants an awful lot and all in his favour doesn't he?! Let him take you to court. Don't agree to his crazy terms just to avoid it. You won't be able to make this go faster without taking him to court yourself. I'm sorry he's being a bastard, but if he wasn't I guess you wouldn't be getting divorced in the first place.

Nicole1111 · 16/10/2023 14:48

It’s highly unlikely he would get what he wanted, unless he could evidence significant concerns about your parenting (substance misuse, domestic abuse etc). Unfortunately though I’m sure he’ll be trying his hardest to get what he can out of this situation. In the mean time don’t leave the house and keep records of everything, eg who is providing what childcare, concerns about his parenting, inappropriate behaviour in front of the kids (such as talking about money) etc.

MsMarch · 16/10/2023 14:51

Wait - he wants to have the kids 12/14 days BUT doesn't want to do school runs or pay for any childcare he might need AND he wants you to pay him £500 maintenance?

I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face every time he suggests it. I'd fall about laughing.

Unless there's some massive backstory where you are abusive/ don't do any childcare/ he does everything (unlikely) I think you can just ignore him. I'd speed up the process and go to court as soon as you can if mediation is working.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/10/2023 15:02

Unpopular opinion: once divorce rears its head all bets are off. He is clearly playing dirty and his asks are:
A. Unreasonable
B. Not focused on best interests of your children.

On that basis I'd have no interest in taking the moral high ground. I'd be taking proper legal advice and creating a paper trail that demonstrates a. I'm the Primary parent/care b. It's in their best interests to remain withe in the family home (if that was what I wanted)

Given he won't take them to school or pick them up I cannot fathom why you yourself would be supporting or aiming for 50/50 custody as he clearly doesn't want to share custody he just wants to dodge paying a couple of hundred pounds a month. Pathetic behaviour altogether.

EasterFlower · 16/10/2023 15:02

Also how's he planning to prove he's the main carer when you're doing all the school runs and he wants that to continue? Lol. Doesn't quite add up does it?

I actually don't think 50/50 is best for the DC personally. As someone who has lived across two homes it's a real PITA in terms of having to have two of everything and make sure things stay at the right house. Makes a person feel rootless like they don't belong anywhere. Better IMO to have one main home and somewhere else you pack a weekend bag for and stay EOW.

EasterFlower · 16/10/2023 15:05

Wait - he wants to have the kids 12/14 days BUT doesn't want to do school runs or pay for any childcare he might need AND he wants you to pay him £500 maintenance?

Your forgotten the mortgage, he wants her to pay that too! As well as her own housing costs. 🤣

MsMarch · 16/10/2023 15:13

EasterFlower · 16/10/2023 15:05

Wait - he wants to have the kids 12/14 days BUT doesn't want to do school runs or pay for any childcare he might need AND he wants you to pay him £500 maintenance?

Your forgotten the mortgage, he wants her to pay that too! As well as her own housing costs. 🤣

You're right, my bad. Even funnier.

You have to laugh at these men OP. DH and I spent MONTHS relieving the tension of exBIL's ridiculous behaviour by repeating some of his weirder pronouncements to each other at appropriate moments. Our favourite was when, unemployed and still living (rent free) in her home, he proclaimed in shock, "you expect ME to look after the DC just so that you can WORK?"

That one got rolled out every single time one of us left the house for work. Our DC thought our hysterical laughter was completely bizarre.

cannaecookrisotto · 16/10/2023 15:24

Is he having a fucking laugh?

Assassination wouldn't be unreasonable <joking but not really>.

mondaycando1 · 16/10/2023 15:29

My children are older than yours but the difference between mine and stbxh salaries is similar (actually slight bigger than yours, he's the higher earner on ~£75k but my figure is similar your h) and the starting point is 50/50 - no way on earth (unless you've got pots of money sitting around from somewhere else) he'd get what he wants.

You say you're mediating - is this with an actual mediator or someone else? If he's not budging with his utterly ludicrous requests I'd have thought a half decent mediator would have sent you both to solicitors!

I wonder if he's related to my dp's stbxw!? She's come up with some corkers too!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2023 15:31

Who does what now?

Octavia64 · 16/10/2023 15:33

He's talking tosh.

StrictlyComeback · 16/10/2023 15:35

You haven’t said anything about who has been the main carer up until now. Just because you are a woman doesn’t mean you get that kids anymore. The courts will look at who has been the main carer historically. If that is him as you are higher earner, he may well get the custody arrangement he is seeking. If that has not been the history you will have a better case for 50:50. Although you say you are the higher earner you actually both have similar salaries so even if he cares for them more he would still probably need to move to a cheaper house to enable you to also have a house out of the pot.

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2023 15:38

Talking tosh - the salary difference is not that much (particularly with tax brackets) and you cannot do all the school runs and not see them.

Get legal advice and start the court process, if 50/50 custody and finances work you have noth8ng to be afraid of

OhComeOnFFS · 16/10/2023 15:41

Well, I would say that since you can afford the house, you should be the one to stay in it.

I'd take this to your solicitor.

Flip

1 2 3 4