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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wants to keep the house and kids- all for money

90 replies

Baffers100 · 16/10/2023 14:09

I need some help- I am a year in to a divorce, still living in the same house (separate rooms). We have a 3 and 7 year old.

We are mediating but it is going slowly. He has confessed he is dragging his feet. He doesn't want any changes until September 2024 when our youngest is at school and he doesn't have nursery fees (which he pays 50% at most, it's only this last year I've stopped bank rolling him).

He wants to stay in the house until our youngest is 18- citing it will be cheaper for him than buying or renting. He thinks as I earn more than him, I can afford to move out, still contribute to the mortgage here, pay him maintenance to support the kids of £500 per month and be the sole provider for all school runs, or cover any childminder costs if I can't do it. He's expecting I have the kids every other weekend.

I want 50/50 custody as it is best for the children- they need both of their parents. I can't afford to pay the mortgage here and my own property, hence co-habiting until finances are agreed upon.

He is planning on taking me to court to get the house and kids. Is he talking total utter tosh and I shouldn't be worried? Just concerned I seem to have a dirty battle on my hands. Can't believe he thinks the kids are better off only seeing me on occasion (properly I mean, not just school runs!) It all seems to be motivated by money and not their welfare.
I earn more than him (he's on £43k base, I am on £68,500k base).

OP posts:
PurpleSubmarine · 16/10/2023 15:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

PurpleSubmarine · 16/10/2023 15:42

Sorry, I was meant to be staring my own thread, not hijacking yours OP. Will do that now.

Elektra1 · 16/10/2023 15:55

From what I understand, courts don't really care much about who did most of the childcare before the split, they only focus on what the parties can do post-split. So if you have a parent who did F all beforehand but now wants to do 50/50 so no child maintenance is payable, and they can demonstrate that they can do 50/50 now, then absent any safeguarding concerns, they will get 50/50.

If you can't afford to keep the house and re-home yourself and the kids, then he'll have to accept the house being sold.

Nowherenew · 16/10/2023 16:07

Who initiated the separation?

I think this is key.

My sister is going through a similar thing and her DH wants her to be the one to leave the house and he stays with the kids but IMO that isn’t fair because he was the one to initiate the separation.

Whoever initiates the separation should be the one to move out of the family home.

If you are in separate bedrooms then I wouldn’t see the issue with both staying in the family home for another year (unless there is violence).

Seas164 · 16/10/2023 16:12

You need a solicitor.

Goldbar · 16/10/2023 16:12

Whoever initiates the separation should be the one to move out of the family home.

That's not really how it works in practice 🙄. Thankfully.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 16/10/2023 16:17

Nowherenew · 16/10/2023 16:07

Who initiated the separation?

I think this is key.

My sister is going through a similar thing and her DH wants her to be the one to leave the house and he stays with the kids but IMO that isn’t fair because he was the one to initiate the separation.

Whoever initiates the separation should be the one to move out of the family home.

If you are in separate bedrooms then I wouldn’t see the issue with both staying in the family home for another year (unless there is violence).

What? No. It's irrelevant who initiates proceedings. Imagine being punished for ending an abusive marriage Confused

OP you need to end mediation and get a solicitor. Can't really comment on here without knowing all your outgoings and work/life arrangements. People are generally encouraged to have a clean break and be self-sufficient. You may need to sell the house and both start over.

thelonemommabear · 16/10/2023 16:19

All I can tell you is my experience - I'm the main earner by 4x ex husband doesn't earn much above £20k. I paid all childcare fees etc and I largely bankrolled his lifestyle

He left with a lump sum payment roughly equating to 35% of assets. No pension sharing. Sees the kids once a fortnight (no overnights as he's in a HIMO). He pays CMS. (Minimum)

I have kept the family home

I told ex husband if he wants 50/50 care then suggest he takes on additional work to cover 50% of all childcare costs - when he realised the childcare bill alone is £2k a month he backed down

Nowherenew · 16/10/2023 16:20

Goldbar · 16/10/2023 16:12

Whoever initiates the separation should be the one to move out of the family home.

That's not really how it works in practice 🙄. Thankfully.

Well not thankfully for my sister, who’s DH has decided to end the marriage and wants her to leave the family home.

Of course the person who initiates the separation should be the one to leave (unless there is abuse or OW/OM but I assume that’s not the case here else OP would have said).

Tryingmybestadhd · 16/10/2023 16:31

You need a solicitor . And from one solicitors advise , do not leave the house or even agree with 50/50 . You need him out if that house , even if you need to find a lodger to pay part of the mortgage or consider selling . Whatever you do , do not leave the children or the house . Find a solicitor. You have the upper hand if you can afford one and he cannot

FlippyFloppyShoe · 16/10/2023 16:31

I would say to your mediator that they need to give your OH a reality check...I mean what are they doing other than just sitting there and charging you £400+ an hour?

FlippyFloppyShoe · 16/10/2023 16:40

Elektra1 · 16/10/2023 15:55

From what I understand, courts don't really care much about who did most of the childcare before the split, they only focus on what the parties can do post-split. So if you have a parent who did F all beforehand but now wants to do 50/50 so no child maintenance is payable, and they can demonstrate that they can do 50/50 now, then absent any safeguarding concerns, they will get 50/50.

If you can't afford to keep the house and re-home yourself and the kids, then he'll have to accept the house being sold.

That was sort of true...but it's a big con isn't it...if you could look after your child more after the split, why didn't you do it before?....I've never understood that reasoning, either you care enough to look after them or you don't.

Original poster
Baffers100 · 16/10/2023 17:32

I do for my son at primary school- direct to school when WFH otherwise childminders and then my parents do school collection.

He runs our daughter to pre-reception as it's attached to the school he works at. His plan is he keeps the kids and I do the school run, only have them every other weekend and pay maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baffers100 · 16/10/2023 17:34

It's been a year already and that's an incredibly suffocating feeling- answering to your children why you're sleeping in a separate room.

He resents me going to the gym and logs it on a spreadsheet. He's locked me out when I have returned from a night out so I had to sleep in my car on the drive.

He also forced himself on my 5 months post partum, still healing from a 2nd degree tear. I really don't plan on staying her a second longer than I have to.

Trying to be the best mum I can be but all of this is a huge mental battering.

OP posts:
OhNoForever · 16/10/2023 17:37

You're doing great ❤️ What a wanker, I'm. So. So. Sorry he did that to you.

Do you have your own solicitor? I think mediation does not seem to be working.

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2023 17:40

Have you access womens aid as he raped you and is abusive

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2023 17:42

So he's a controlling rapist? You poor thing.

Do they make you do mediation with abusive partners? If not, I'd find a cutthroat lawyer and get this done asap.

Lavenderosa · 16/10/2023 17:43

He raped you when you were recovering from childbirth injury? Hells Bells, you need a solicitor to get you away from that monster.

BeeCucumber · 16/10/2023 17:48

Call the police next time he locks you out.

Seas164 · 16/10/2023 17:48

Stop mediation, you are in no position to be attending mediation with him given the abusive nature of the relationship.

Contact a solicitor and Womens' Aid. You will get out if this situation, but not by giving him what he demands. Get some help.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 16/10/2023 17:50

BeeCucumber · 16/10/2023 17:48

Call the police next time he locks you out.

I'd call a locksmith rather than the police.

You definitely need to bin mediation and get a good, aggressive solicitor. Force his hand by taking action yourself.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 16/10/2023 17:51

Mention his controlling behaviour and sexual assault/rape to your solicitor. Let them fight for you.

Nowherenew · 16/10/2023 17:57

He also forced himself on my 5 months post partum, still healing from a 2nd degree tear. I really don't plan on staying her a second longer than I have to.

OP this is rape and you need to report it.

You are absolutely right that he needs to leave asap.

I assume the house is jointly owned, if so can you afford to buy him out?

It’s likely that if you can’t afford to buy him out, the house gets sold and split.

EasterFlower · 16/10/2023 17:58

Baffers100 · 16/10/2023 17:34

It's been a year already and that's an incredibly suffocating feeling- answering to your children why you're sleeping in a separate room.

He resents me going to the gym and logs it on a spreadsheet. He's locked me out when I have returned from a night out so I had to sleep in my car on the drive.

He also forced himself on my 5 months post partum, still healing from a 2nd degree tear. I really don't plan on staying her a second longer than I have to.

Trying to be the best mum I can be but all of this is a huge mental battering.

OP report these to the police and hopefully he won't be allowed to live there while the divorce gets sorted.

That's coercive control monitoring you preventing you going out by forcing you to sleep in a car if you do, he's raped you and he has zero rights to lock you out of a house you own. What he's doing now with the threats is emotional abuse with an attempt at financial abuse thrown in with him wanting to live there while you pay the mortgage.

He's a monster and no the DC don't need both parents when one of them is like this. Go for the house, the DC and you'll probably have to let him have EOW, but don't push it if it fizzles out because he CBA that's a good thing. He's no role model for DC.

You can't mediate with an abuser, which is what he is. Take his crimes to the police, it'll help your case for the divorce and take your divorce to court.

Stop expecting him to behave like a reasonable person, he isn't a reasonable person, has probably never been a reasonable person since adulthood and he isn't going to become one now.

YireosDodeAver · 16/10/2023 18:07

You both have decent earnings so are both capable of sorting out your own housing from your incomes. A 50:50 time split may or may not be best for the kids - generally most children thrive best with one single stable main home and EOW with the other parent (sometimes with a midweek single night if EOW isn't enough). If that is what is better for the kids then the main resident parent would generally bevthe one who has been doing the majority of the parenting legwork prior to the divorce, which may not always be the lower earner.

Most likely the marital home will need to be sold and the equity split 50:50 to allow you both to arrange a new housing option - probably a little smaller and with the kids sharing rather than having their own rooms.

Whatever is arranged for time spent with him, be very clear that for each night they spend with him that is 24 hours of full parental responsibility including him doing all meals, school transport and any after school activities on those days. You do not get involved in the parental logistics on days that are not "your" days.