The mediator knows.
The incident post childbirth was nearly 8 years ago. I made is very clear I was in a lot of pain but he ignored me, some shit about "needing to get back in to" or it would be better once done. I immediately hated him after and thought that's not how you treat somebody you love. I felt like a bit of meat. I was still breastfeeding, my body didn't feel like mine.
I ended up sleeping with a work colleague who expressed an interest and made me feel beautiful- something he's not called me once. Not proud of it at all. but over the many many many nights of pouring over why I wasn't happy I accepted that it was the person I had married who was letting me down. I did a bit more soul searching to try and work out where it went wrong- was it all on me, but in my mind it was this incident because I lost total respect for him. I said to him that incident felt like rape.
It was only when I sat down with my mediator and offloaded everything (this and my latter infidelity) she said I had been raped, and it hit me. I was referred to a few charities and have called them but just been redirected to forums, nothing really helpful as such. It's not like I have flashbacks or anything so I don't feel like a victim or like I am struggling if that makes sense- I don't think I really appreciated the severity earlier on, I just feel like he's a fucking arsehole.
As well as feeling like this is never ending, the worst is not knowing who I am dealing with. Sometimes, he's like the guy I've known since 15 who is alright and we have a chat about the kids and music or what not. Sometimes, I come home with dinner in hand to cook for us all as a strained family and he's cooked for him and the kids and tells me I need to sort myself out, like it's an issue, or he will drop in a crappy comment to the kids "yeah buddy your mum's probably right, we can't play any more Minecraft because you should be in bed, sorry mate" like I am the bad guy.
His mother is a piece of bloody work. It really gets to me that his angle is all about the cash, not about what's best for the kids. A guy who's dinner repertoire is burned pizza or a spaghetti bolognaise, who does bedtime once in a blue moon. It's my money that's got us this damn house, 12 years of holidays where he's not even put his hand in his pocket for parking.
If I swapped him for a lodger, I'd be better off. I've had somebody clean their way and pay their way too.
Sound nuts but I don't have a lock on the room I sleep in (4th room/office etc). I've told him he's not allowed in, but this weekend went and got a security camera I've hidden so I can keep an eye on it when I'm not here. Might still get a lock.
I just can't lose my kids. They are my world - I'm not leaving them, I am leaving him, and I genuinely think they will be much happier children seeing a mum who is happy, and not one exhausted from having to put a smile on her face.