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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wants to keep the house and kids- all for money

90 replies

Baffers100 · 16/10/2023 14:09

I need some help- I am a year in to a divorce, still living in the same house (separate rooms). We have a 3 and 7 year old.

We are mediating but it is going slowly. He has confessed he is dragging his feet. He doesn't want any changes until September 2024 when our youngest is at school and he doesn't have nursery fees (which he pays 50% at most, it's only this last year I've stopped bank rolling him).

He wants to stay in the house until our youngest is 18- citing it will be cheaper for him than buying or renting. He thinks as I earn more than him, I can afford to move out, still contribute to the mortgage here, pay him maintenance to support the kids of £500 per month and be the sole provider for all school runs, or cover any childminder costs if I can't do it. He's expecting I have the kids every other weekend.

I want 50/50 custody as it is best for the children- they need both of their parents. I can't afford to pay the mortgage here and my own property, hence co-habiting until finances are agreed upon.

He is planning on taking me to court to get the house and kids. Is he talking total utter tosh and I shouldn't be worried? Just concerned I seem to have a dirty battle on my hands. Can't believe he thinks the kids are better off only seeing me on occasion (properly I mean, not just school runs!) It all seems to be motivated by money and not their welfare.
I earn more than him (he's on £43k base, I am on £68,500k base).

OP posts:
PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 16/10/2023 18:18

Get a solicitor and get 2 scenarios ready - the split you want and the split you’re prepared to accept. - eg. You want a 50/50 split of time and a 50/50 split of (since his earns less) but are prepared to accept 50/50 split of time and a 60/40 split of finances - or a 60/40 split of the house equity but both keep your pensions. A good solicitor will know what splits would to be acceptable to a judge and will help you work out how to negotiate without wasting too much money on legal fees.

He is talking nonsense. A judge is not going entertain the idea of obliging you to do school runs on his contact days.

Sorry for what he’s put you through and for this ongoing abuse through mediation now.

Paintballmaker · 16/10/2023 18:37

Goldbar · 16/10/2023 14:30

Who does the school run/nursery run atm?

Tbh, in your shoes I would be so furious with his idiotic suggestion that I would walk out tomorrow morning first thing, leaving him with both kids to get ready and take for school/nursery before work. And then text him "hope you haven't forgot about pick-up, homework, dinner and bath since you're taking the lead from now on".

If he wants to be the main carer, he may as well start practising now. And it will serve him in good stead if you do get a 50/50 split.

Please be very careful what you put in writing to him OP. Something like the above taken out of context could look like you are leaving all childcare to him.

Given his attitude, you are heading to court and you don’t want to give him any ammo.

Nicole1111 · 16/10/2023 19:07

Refer yourself to a domestic abuse charity as locking you out, monitoring and recording your down time etc is abusive. I’d also recommend doing the freedom programme online. Doing all of the above will aid you in your argument that it’s not appropriate for him to be the main carer

bombastix · 16/10/2023 19:08

Well 50/50 is in my view a shit arrangement for children. Who is the main carer and start from there. That is likely to show who is actually acting for the children as opposed to a man who has a fantasy of doing so.

YireosDodeAver · 16/10/2023 19:13

Nicole1111 · 16/10/2023 19:07

Refer yourself to a domestic abuse charity as locking you out, monitoring and recording your down time etc is abusive. I’d also recommend doing the freedom programme online. Doing all of the above will aid you in your argument that it’s not appropriate for him to be the main carer

This.

An abusive, controlling rapist is not a suitable parent.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/10/2023 19:33

Nicole1111 · 16/10/2023 19:07

Refer yourself to a domestic abuse charity as locking you out, monitoring and recording your down time etc is abusive. I’d also recommend doing the freedom programme online. Doing all of the above will aid you in your argument that it’s not appropriate for him to be the main carer

Christ almighty.
He is a rapist.

Defintely refer yourself to women's aid or similar and tell them everything. You will want this as part of the paper trail when you actually go to court. And he sounds arrogant and stupid enough to take you to court.

Do not do mediation and do start looking at lawyers.

Why the hell would you want to give him 50% access??? He's abusive and I cannot believe he is a good father.

Change all your passwords and ideally have a burner phone. Is there somewhere you can put documents that he cannot access? A friend's house? A gym locker?

PinkDeer · 16/10/2023 19:43

And he works in a school as well?! Is he a teacher? I’m so sorry Op, he sounds horrendous.

nibblessquibbles · 16/10/2023 19:55

bombastix · 16/10/2023 19:08

Well 50/50 is in my view a shit arrangement for children. Who is the main carer and start from there. That is likely to show who is actually acting for the children as opposed to a man who has a fantasy of doing so.

Well just depends on the parents etc. So I think you are being quite OTT here - have you got direct experience of it?

My kids have been doing 50/50 for the past 8 odd years. It works really well for the most part. Have offered to kids to change it as they got older and they've refused as they like the week on/week off arrangement. I know other divorced couples who have equally worked it well on a 50/50 basis.

Every family situation is different so you have to see what works but OP rest assured that 50/50 is workable. However your stbx sounds horrible and controlling so get to a solicitor pronto.

bombastix · 16/10/2023 19:59

@nibblessquibbles - I've got direct experience of rejecting it! 50/50 no way with an abusive man, a terrible arrangement.

wildwestpioneer · 16/10/2023 20:03

If you're both working, chances are a judge will grant 50/50, he's in kidding himself if he thinks a 20k difference in salary means he gets the house and 100's of ££ each month.

Dint agree ur discuss anything and leave it in the hands of solicitors and court

nibblessquibbles · 16/10/2023 20:05

bombastix · 16/10/2023 19:59

@nibblessquibbles - I've got direct experience of rejecting it! 50/50 no way with an abusive man, a terrible arrangement.

Sure abusive ex but you said it was shit for children? And it's not always. You rejected it so fair enough but doesn't make it shit for all kids

bombastix · 16/10/2023 20:07

@nibblessquibbles - I do not think you know just how horrible it can be for children who are manipulated by an abusive ex. That is my reason, because abusive men like to mess up their children too. 50/50 is often an excellent way to get at the ex and the kids.

nibblessquibbles · 16/10/2023 20:12

bombastix · 16/10/2023 20:07

@nibblessquibbles - I do not think you know just how horrible it can be for children who are manipulated by an abusive ex. That is my reason, because abusive men like to mess up their children too. 50/50 is often an excellent way to get at the ex and the kids.

I don't as I don't have an abusive ex. So I'm sorry you had this.

However I was just trying to balance out your statement that 50/50 was shit for kids. You didn't mention abusive ex in that part. So all.I was saying is that 50/50 isn't always shit. Which it isn't. Abusive exes are different I agree

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 16/10/2023 20:14

I was going to say see a Solicitor, but having read your later update I would see a good Solicitor Now. I would also suggest calling Women's Aid.

He sounds completely horrible .

bombastix · 16/10/2023 20:16

It's relevant to the OP. A rapist is an abuser and she shouldn't be in any hurry to agree arrangements like 50/50.

A guy who rapes his wife while she is injured strikes me as someone who has zero caring instincts, and I never subscribe to the idea of "he hit me but is nice to the children". No way.

Goldbar · 16/10/2023 20:20

He is horrific. Ignore my earlier post, it was written before your update. I agree with people above... contact women's aid and a competent solicitor and in your situation I wouldn't be suggesting 50/50 care at this point. I hope you manage to get out and to a safe place soon.

sundaymorningbliss · 16/10/2023 20:21

I have a friend who escaped abusive relationship, moved out from family home with children. Women's aid and police involved. Her ex then picked kids up from school earlier the next day, took them back home and kept them there until he got emergency court order giving him full residency and stating that it's in childrens best interest to remain with him in their family home. My friend wasn't even in the position to get 50/50 because by the time court hearing was arranged, children were manipulated by father and she was made out to be crazy and erratic by her ex and his solicitor.

She gets to see them now once a fortnight and they still live in family home with their abusive father and have no interest in seeing mother at all.

Be very careful and do not move out.
Get smart solicitor involved, don't let ex play you and drag his hills when it suits him.

All the best x

RudsyFarmer · 16/10/2023 20:22

Why the hell would you be paying him spousal support when you earn 25k more than him!!! The blokes got a screw loose.

bombastix · 16/10/2023 20:24

sundaymorningbliss · 16/10/2023 20:21

I have a friend who escaped abusive relationship, moved out from family home with children. Women's aid and police involved. Her ex then picked kids up from school earlier the next day, took them back home and kept them there until he got emergency court order giving him full residency and stating that it's in childrens best interest to remain with him in their family home. My friend wasn't even in the position to get 50/50 because by the time court hearing was arranged, children were manipulated by father and she was made out to be crazy and erratic by her ex and his solicitor.

She gets to see them now once a fortnight and they still live in family home with their abusive father and have no interest in seeing mother at all.

Be very careful and do not move out.
Get smart solicitor involved, don't let ex play you and drag his hills when it suits him.

All the best x

This. It's this you need to be worried about. I agree with every word.

agent765 · 16/10/2023 20:39

He raped you or at least attempted. This is abuse.

Get in touch with Women's Aid, check out Flows.org.uk and make sure you get an EXPERT lawyer.

Don't move out, buy a voice-activated digital recorder, and check your phone and electronics have not been compromised. Change all your important and financial stuff emails and 2-factor authentication them. Don't do this unless you know your electronics are clear of a keylogger. Remove face and fingerprint access and use a 6-number passcode.

This is serious shit and can dictate the course of the rest of your life. Get an excellent lawyer who is at the top of their game in family law. I cannot reiterate that bit enough. A crap lawyer will cost you a load of money and many regrets.

Nowdontmakeamess · 16/10/2023 20:51

Please report him to the police. A rapist should not be living in your home with your children, and he certainly shouldn’t be working in a school!

SkyFullofStars1975 · 16/10/2023 21:04

From your post, it seems like he's very much the one in control here. Are you afraid of him? You really need to engage a solicitor here and speak to someone about his behaviour. And if you have proof, I'd go to the Police as well because this is no way to live. He has no right to log your movements, and lock you out of the house. This could be seen as domestic abuse. And that's without adding in him forcing himself on you.

You poor thing.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/10/2023 21:18

Jesus Op. you need to involve women's aid, and get a bloody non molestation order - that's horrendous. If it's any consolation I we t through similar and WA were brilliant. As were the DV charity that helped me get the non molestation order.

You're the boiled frog here.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 16/10/2023 21:22

I want to know if your mediator knows all the things you have mentioned? I'm guessing not.

zeibesaffron · 16/10/2023 21:34

Please keep a note of everything too and next time he locks you put call the police its your home you have equal access to it. This will then be documented as unreasonable behaviour- Do not sleep in your car!!

Get to a solicitor asap - mediation is futile as you are not dealing with anyone reasonable. He will not get his demands they are unreasonable and ridiculous!