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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Leaving whilst DH at work, how to explain....

98 replies

Professionallytorn · 10/07/2023 19:13

Hi, I am getting my ducks in a row to leave my emotionally and financially controlling DH of 30+ years at end of the month. He has no idea. I intend to leave whilst he is at work. I don't want him to realise on the day I leave as I face a long 5 hour drive to new home, and don't need an argument or constant calls. Will need phone for directions. Me via ng this s far away in purpose.

What I want advice on is....how / what to tell him to avoid a massive fallout for me or adult children. (I am going to live with one of them ). I am leaving because I have had enough, life has been miserable for years he hoards, he behaves like an old man, we have grown miles apart, he is manipulative and owes me £sss - had to 'lend' him an inheritance to get him out of a serious hole which he is paying back at less than 1/2 of what we agreed, and will no doubt stop when I go. I don't want to live the rest of my years like this. I have got a transfer with my job, I can be financially independent. The children are NC. I am leaving with nothing. I have no clue how he will react. Just don't want anymore drama. How do I deal with telling him? TIA

OP posts:
Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 19:15

Good on you!

as for telling him

“I have left you. My solicitor will be in touch”

and then block him

Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 19:16

Have you actually contacted a solicitor?

HabberdasheryAddict · 10/07/2023 19:21

Don't leave with nothing!!

You are entitled to at least 50% of all marital assets. Including - and given his age this is very important! - his pension.

Gather copies of ALL financial documentation and see a competent and experienced family solicitor without delay.

What you tell him is way down the list of things you should be worrying about.

travailtotravel · 10/07/2023 19:21

Have you got copies of key documents?

Do you even need to say anything until you get there,if you leave just after he goes for example?

madroid · 10/07/2023 19:24

I agree, you have had enough and are ending the marriage is something you could say if you want to say anything.

But also - very important to get proper legal advice. You'll get at least 50% of the marital assets including house, savings, pension, possessions.

madroid · 10/07/2023 19:25

PS Get you marriage certificate - you need it for the divorce.

LadyBirdsLoveEm · 10/07/2023 19:26

Grab a pay as you go sim on the same network as your current phone. Put that in on the day you leave if you're using your phone as sat nav.

Then keep it in for however long you need to.

I left in the same way. Left a very short note to say I'd left and not to contact me, I'd be in touch once settled.

I agree with others you can get legal advice on assets, pensions etc. It doesn't have to be something you sort right now but knowing your rights may be helpful. As will gathering financial info on salaries, tax returns, pensions, mortgage/home assets, that kind of thing.

Good luck op.

espressomartini22 · 10/07/2023 19:35

Well done & Good luck 👍🏼

Jabbitt · 10/07/2023 19:40

Wishing you all the best @Professionallytorn - I’ve no advice but I think you are very brave and wish you every luck for the future!

unicornhair · 10/07/2023 19:41

I would see a solicitor and make sure there is an official date of separation for financial reasons, you don’t want to be landed with any debts he might accrue.

But take all documents and do think about getting what you are owed - he owes you a debt, you need to get something. He’s gonna be mad either way…
even if you are financially independent now this is for the future.

Mummapenguin20 · 10/07/2023 19:45

Well done and good luck

Meeting · 10/07/2023 19:45

Leave a note on the table. You don't owe him anything more than that.

Meeting · 10/07/2023 19:46

Oh and well done, good luck with your new life! Your only regret will be not leaving sooner.

Anotherfarmerswife · 10/07/2023 19:47

Presuming you’re leaving fairly soon after he leaves for work, I would leave him a letter detailing anything you want to tell him, that way he will read it once he’s home from work and you are safely 5 hours drive away.

definitely get a solicitor to advise on joint finances.

omgsally · 10/07/2023 19:49

Meeting · 10/07/2023 19:45

Leave a note on the table. You don't owe him anything more than that.

Be absolutely certain that he won't nip home early because he's forgotten something, felt ill etc before you leave a note.

jannier · 10/07/2023 19:51

Invest in a solicitor don't give him everything why should you!

Jongleterre · 10/07/2023 19:51

Definitely a letter on the table.

I have left and do not wish to have any further contact with you.

Regarding financial and legal matters, my solicitor will be in touch.

Ponderingwindow · 10/07/2023 19:55

Get a new phone or a new SIM card for the directions so you can turn off your number for the duration of the drive.

leave him a note in the house.

make sure you take important documents and anything that you would regret losing. Anything sentimental needs to be in that car with you.

this is how my mother left. She even hired a moving truck and got her and my sister out with furniture and clothing while he was at work. It was the only way to get out safely. It was easier back then before doorbell cameras and such. He did absolutely go crazy calling when he got home, including calling me and this was before caller id, but I figured out pretty quickly to stop picking up. I had already moved out the first chance I got.

skire · 10/07/2023 19:58

Well done you.

Original poster
Professionallytorn · 10/07/2023 20:03

Thanks everyone. Will sort the legal stuff later. Just hope that he doesn't come home whilst I am loading the car 🤞

OP posts:
Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 20:07

Will sort the legal stuff later.

big mistake

take it from us with experience op

the legal “stuff” should be at the forefront of your mind

you haven’t been getting your ducks in a row if you haven’t contacted a solicitor with a 30 plus year marriage especially

Knittedfairies · 10/07/2023 20:11

Take your things round to a friends house before the date you are leaving; that way all you'll have to do when you do go is to get in the car with a small overnight bag. Good luck!

TeaMistress · 10/07/2023 20:13

Strength and courage to you. Do you have support from any friends or family that can come and support you and help you to pack and leave. Is it worth hiring a man with a van who can help you move anything you want to take with you. Might be an idea to try and smuggle out any essential paperwork / documents like bank details / passports /payslips/ pension and mortgage statements. I would leave a note to state that you have left him and that your solicitor will be in touch.

IbitebecauseIwantto · 10/07/2023 20:16

What do you think his reaction will be @Professionallytorn ?

Original poster
Professionallytorn · 10/07/2023 20:16

No solicitor to involved yet. I can't afford a divorce. Will get free legal advice thru work scheme. No copies of any docs as no idea where they are and can't arouse suspicion asking for them -will get copies. No joint account thankfully. He is s/e so has no pension other than a BTL property. I will get good pension. I will continue to pay toward mortgage until it ends in a couple of months, as I have done since our 1stboroperty in the 80's. Excited for a new future but worried I am opening a can of worms 😕

OP posts: