Leaving whilst DH at work, how to explain....

[Professionallytorn]

Hi, I am getting my ducks in a row to leave my emotionally and financially controlling DH of 30+ years at end of the month. He has no idea. I intend to leave whilst he is at work. I don't want him to realise on the day I leave as I face a long 5 hour drive to new home, and don't need an argument or constant calls. Will need phone for directions. Me via ng this s far away in purpose.

What I want advice on is....how / what to tell him to avoid a massive fallout for me or adult children. (I am going to live with one of them ). I am leaving because I have had enough, life has been miserable for years he hoards, he behaves like an old man, we have grown miles apart, he is manipulative and owes me £sss - had to 'lend' him an inheritance to get him out of a serious hole which he is paying back at less than 1/2 of what we agreed, and will no doubt stop when I go. I don't want to live the rest of my years like this. I have got a transfer with my job, I can be financially independent. The children are NC. I am leaving with nothing. I have no clue how he will react. Just don't want anymore drama. How do I deal with telling him? TIA

Good luck!

On the morning you leave just call your mobile service provider and they can instantly change your number.
I really encourage taking advice financially...if you are just about to finish mortgage he could maybe take out funds against it??
Very best of luck x

Just leave a note at the house seeing you will be I touch in a few weeks. Nlick his number. You will be surprised how quick you can pack. My ex was at the pub ! Change any passwords incase he knows them. Remember all.your documents eg passport etc and anything sentimental gifts from kids. If he can't get a hold of you he might try to get back at you by destroying stuff of yours. Good luck

Best of luck to you. I, too, think you are very brave.

Don't forget to register a restriction on your joint property with the Land Registry. If he somehow manages to borrow against it (by forging your signature perhaps) and doesn't pay it back you will be liable and it will affect your credit history.
You are being very naive not to take legal advice. You really can't afford not to.

Download the directions into your mobile phone for offline maps (Google maps does this) and/or just set your phone to block any incoming calls whilst you're driving. Very easy to do. Good luck

As a married couple op
he doesn’t “owe “ you anything

And to be clear you are entitled to a fair share of all assets. All assets in one pot - family home, your pension, his second house, all savings, cars etc. So even though its true he could be entitled to half your pension, you can offset it against your claim against other assets (e.g. not going after equity from his second home).

Why will you be mortgage free in a couple of months

op you are focussing on telling him the marriage is over

sod that! That can be done in ten seconds .

this is about your future

@Fillyourshoes the OP has said the mortgage ends in a couple of months.

I would assume she means will be paid off completely at that point.

How much stuff are you taking?

Does he usually come home during the day?

Can you have a friend/family member wait near his work to see if he gets in his car and warn you if he does?

I would do it as early as you can and then wait until you’re at your destination to message him.

I would actually leave him a letter explaining everything, rather than text him.

You do not want him to receive the text whilst he’s driving as if he has an accident you will blame yourself/he’ll blame you.

You can tell him in the letter you’ve got a new number and block his number/change your number else he’ll keep ringing you.

Yes

so there is quite an asset to be split and 50/50 may not be fair when one considers pensions, earnings etc

Don't tell him. Send him an email at a time of your choosing after you have safely arrived in your new home. Then you can decide, in safety and peace, what you want to do. As others have advised, make sure he doesn't surprise you as you are leaving.
This happened to me 2 weeks ago, thought I had 2 clear days to grab our stuff. A knock at the door, thought it was my son , but it was him.
You'll be able to breathe again once you're gone-all the luck in the world to you x

Dear OP I know exactly how you feel but please do listen to people when they suggest you get legal aid. First of all you are being two generous in wanting to just leave without taking much of anything as you deserve a half, at least, of all your assets. However, what you may not be thinking about is that when divorcing you do not have just rights to share your belongings, but you also have a responsibility to pay the debt. If your ex still has debt, you will have to pay it back in an equal share. Also, where I live we are responsible to pay spousal support to a spouse that is not earning any money or is earning less then you. Divorce is not very simple, I am afraid, he can come after you for more money and can get you in trouble if he is not paying his debt. In one of your posts you say, he cannot afford legal aid, if I am understanding that correctly. The thing is, you can get legal representation alone, he can represent himself if he wants to.

Good luck OP. I hope you have long and beautiful life.

Yes please listen to this advice.
You can also slowly start moving things into a storage facility locally- a few bags or boxes at a time - say you're doing charity shop clear outs if he asks or you're doing a spring clean. Then you can flee, but come back to collect your stuff with a van and a child helping you at a later date.

Thank you everyone. I get very little post as do everything online. My post gets intercepted otherwise. Thanks re head's up on a letter re redirection. Guess i won't bother with that then 😆

What he thinks or says or believe will no longer be a concern to you :-)

You must get legal advice.

It doesn’t matter if she leaves the house before seeing a solicitor. As long as she has access to money of her own to start, the financials can be sorted after she has left.

getting the paperwork and financials started before leaving is the best advice when you are in a bad marriage, not an abusive marriage. Even with just financial and emotional abuse, leaving is extremely dangerous. Any indications that departure is imminent are a bad idea. Stealth and speed are critical for safety.

heck, even my never abusive XH who wanted an amicable divorce trashed our house, smashed my belongings, and scared the crap out of me when I left him. you can never be too careful.

Do you have a friend you can trust to spy on him at work and make sure he stays there? If he leaves work early they could give you a heads up?

When I was a child ( now 58) the woman who lived next to my grandparents posted a small parcel of her clothes to a safe address every time she went out to do the weekly food shop. It was the only time she was allowed out. Her husband was a vile man.No one had cars where they lived so when she finally left it was on the bus with what she was wearing and a handbag. She couldn't risk being seen with a suitcase. I had no idea as a child how incredibly brave she was.He was a nasty,nasty man.

Sadly no, he works alone

Could you say that you need to apply for a new passport as yours got damaged/lost or similar and need the marriage cert as an excuse to finding the location of documents?

Whatever he says doesn’t matter. Your DC know it’s not your fault, they know the measure of him and that’s all that matters.

whatever he says is lies. You know this. Just be calm, breathe and focus only on the goal, the end game. Don’t let him or anything stop you until you get free.

I had a horrible ex. When we finally split I saw him for everything that he was. There were 2 thoughts that kept me going.

one that I said to him “for you to make me look bad, you need to lie. For me to make you look bad all I have to do is tell the truth”

the truth was everything I cling to. “The truth shall set you free” was the second thought that kept me going.

I had nothing and nobody on my side, you have the dc, you have us, you have the world on your side.

youre being incredibly brave, but know that the anticipation of fear is worse than the fear itself. The events will take place, you will get away and you will get free. On the other side of the event is the rest of your life, it’s your hopes and dreams.

youre not alone

Will move some stuff to relatives a week before i leave, but can only be things like my winter clothes etc that he won't notice are gone.. may post things like boots and bags that will take up a lot of room in my small car. Will know more after dropping off a load. May be able to exit by saying going to see Sister for weekend....