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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Leaving whilst DH at work, how to explain....

98 replies

Professionallytorn · 10/07/2023 19:13

Hi, I am getting my ducks in a row to leave my emotionally and financially controlling DH of 30+ years at end of the month. He has no idea. I intend to leave whilst he is at work. I don't want him to realise on the day I leave as I face a long 5 hour drive to new home, and don't need an argument or constant calls. Will need phone for directions. Me via ng this s far away in purpose.

What I want advice on is....how / what to tell him to avoid a massive fallout for me or adult children. (I am going to live with one of them ). I am leaving because I have had enough, life has been miserable for years he hoards, he behaves like an old man, we have grown miles apart, he is manipulative and owes me £sss - had to 'lend' him an inheritance to get him out of a serious hole which he is paying back at less than 1/2 of what we agreed, and will no doubt stop when I go. I don't want to live the rest of my years like this. I have got a transfer with my job, I can be financially independent. The children are NC. I am leaving with nothing. I have no clue how he will react. Just don't want anymore drama. How do I deal with telling him? TIA

OP posts:
Jinglybangly · 10/07/2023 20:17

If you are worried about him coming back when you are packing my advice is to hire movers. When we moved they were like a swarm of locusts, they swept through the house and everything was packed and they had gone in 4 hours (3 bed maisonette flat). You can just stick post its on everything you want to take and they will pack it up. Then if he does turn up while they are packing stuff you will have a bunch of burly blokes around so he would be stupid to start something.

IbitebecauseIwantto · 10/07/2023 20:18

The future is all yours!

TeaMistress · 10/07/2023 20:18

Can you clear out half of any joint accounts into an account he has no access to. Might be an idea to try and get legal advice before you leave as well. Getting your financial and legal ducks in a row now will be of benefit when you come to file for divorce and help you get the best settlement.

StopStartStop · 10/07/2023 20:19

I understand that you need to get away but you really do need legal and financial advice - now.
If you have a pension and he doesn't, might he be entitled to a share of yours?

Original poster
Professionallytorn · 10/07/2023 20:21

Panic - financially. Will find a way to make a narrative to make this my fault, emotionally guilt trip me saying we will lose everything due to debts he is struggling to pay. That I poisoned adult DC against him. Will never admit that it is all down to his appalling behaviour / treatment of us all.

OP posts:
Singingthesong · 10/07/2023 20:22

Good luck. Hope the move goes really well and you get rid of the self serving bastard

Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 20:22

The free legal advice through work scheme is very very unlikely to cover divorce. I’d check the wording.

Good luck op. Without a solicitor in your corner, leaving a thirty year old marriage, leaving the family home, and knowing he has debts… I think you’re going to need it

ImGonnaHaveToTurnMyBackOnYou · 10/07/2023 20:23

I had very little when I left by stealth, I was able to squeeze everything like good tetris into one estate car.

I had certain things always gathered together and in non description bags or boxes at the bottom of my wardrobe.

As soon as he had left for work in the morning and I'd seen him disappear, I went into action, putting everything into the car.

I also had the support of women's aid who knew i was fleeing. They weren't with me, but knew exactly what was happening in case I had any problems.

If you can get hold of a man with a van/ removals company, if you have more stuff than you can fit in your car, then do so but perhaps through women's aid so you can trust them not to somehow give the game away.

IbitebecauseIwantto · 10/07/2023 20:25

Professionallytorn · 10/07/2023 20:21

Panic - financially. Will find a way to make a narrative to make this my fault, emotionally guilt trip me saying we will lose everything due to debts he is struggling to pay. That I poisoned adult DC against him. Will never admit that it is all down to his appalling behaviour / treatment of us all.

Yes, but in theory you don’t have to talk to him again so don’t have to listen to him? He can sort his own debt out when he stops panicking.

HappyintheHills · 10/07/2023 20:27

It doesn’t matter what his narrative is, that won’t affect the financial side.

TeaMistress · 10/07/2023 20:28

It's absolutely worth investing in an hour of legal advice even if you have to put the fee on a credit card. Its going to be invaluable when filing for divorce and negotiating a settlement.

Backstreets · 10/07/2023 20:29

Best of luck, op!

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2023 20:29

Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 20:07

Will sort the legal stuff later.

big mistake

take it from us with experience op

the legal “stuff” should be at the forefront of your mind

you haven’t been getting your ducks in a row if you haven’t contacted a solicitor with a 30 plus year marriage especially

💯 this.

I wholeheartedly support what you are doing but please don't go without legal advice & a plan.

It is much much harder once you've left.

Original poster
Professionallytorn · 10/07/2023 20:30

He won't afford legal advice. I don't want furniture as I want a fresh start, with my taste in furniture etc. With the total he owes me I doubt he would dare go after me for £. At the end of the day, I am happy to leave with only the essentials, and in a couple of months i will be mortgage free and able to save >£1k pm. I don't want a fight ... I saw how miserable that was for my parents. I want to just move on.

OP posts:
rockingbird · 10/07/2023 20:31

Start sneaking things into the boot of your car day by day now. Less to shift 'on the day'. Important documents an absolute must and hidden in the car asap. Another sim is a good idea - that will give you some breathing space. I left everything behind other than our clothes and documents (almost a year ago now). I promise you it's life changing! Best of luck, don't look back.

QueensBees · 10/07/2023 20:33

Professionallytorn · 10/07/2023 20:21

Panic - financially. Will find a way to make a narrative to make this my fault, emotionally guilt trip me saying we will lose everything due to debts he is struggling to pay. That I poisoned adult DC against him. Will never admit that it is all down to his appalling behaviour / treatment of us all.

So you are leaving whilst he is at work. He Wo t know until the evening OR if you let him know before that.

I would send him a message to met him know you’ve moved out and you’ll be in touch for practicalities.
Get a new SIM card and use the old tel number to contact him. That way, you can chose WHEN you are going to listen to him or answer his messages. If it’s too hard and your adult dc is happy you could even ask them to read tte texts/emails fur you.
Have a redirect to a special folder on your email account. This way, again, you can chose when to read them.

If he has form for building up debts, id encourage you to go through the separation/divorce asap so it’s not on the shared stuff but his and just his.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2023 20:33

You don't have to have a 'fight' - as in an argument with him.

But you do need to 'fight' for yourself.

If you cannot afford even a small amount of legal advice you are clearly in a financially precarious situation.

Most of what you need to do can be done when you leave but please sit down with an (ideally recommended) solicitor first.

Well done on taking this step!

Bonbon21 · 10/07/2023 20:33

Please please see a lawyer BEFORE you do anything!
Then get whatever you can in terms of paperwork together and if you really cant get copies or take it with you then at least take photos on your phone ...
You have had really good advice above.. you really dont need to leave a letter or give any explanation.. the marriage is over... you are done. He can rant all he likes.. you dont have to listen.
I wish you luck.

Shouldbedoing · 10/07/2023 20:33

On the day you leave, phone the police non emergency number to log that you are leaving safely and of your own volition.
He might try to report you as missing.

HowcanIhelp123 · 10/07/2023 20:34

He's abusive. He won't behave in a reasonable way. He will try to manipulate you into staying, he will say things to people that help you. You cannot change this. The kids have made their choice of NC already. Wait for him to leave, pack the car and leave a note telling him you've left him and will be in touch regarding divorce. Then block him on your phone and drive. Or get a sat nav and turn your phone off.

He will use the full playbook. Change the narrative, blackmail you with threats to harm himself, promise you he'll be better. He won't be. Your kids know that, they're already NC. If you waver look at your kids. They stand by you now but if they have kids of their own they'll need to protect them from him, and if that comes with needing to cut you off if you go back to him they will. You'll have such a fuller life without him.

SiblingFights · 10/07/2023 20:35

Good luck OP you are very brave.

As others have said, do try to hide away any important documents / sentimental photos etc beforehand

Namechange1000035 · 10/07/2023 20:37

Good luck OP. Am facing this myself in a few months and mumnetters like you are an absolute inspiration 💐

Georgie8 · 10/07/2023 20:47

Set up Royal Mail redirection asap -it takes five working days to set up. Notification of the redirection will be sent to your current address, so you want to do it before you leave otherwise he’ll receive the notification and know your new address.

Noshowlomo · 10/07/2023 20:47

He may be entitled to half your pension OP. This is very likely. Please seek some legal advice

FiddleMinger · 10/07/2023 20:58

In case your phone is linked to your DH to enable you ‘find my phone’, remember to switch it off.

Best of luck to you for making such a very brave and very necessary move.

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