Leaving whilst DH at work, how to explain....

[Professionallytorn]

Hi, I am getting my ducks in a row to leave my emotionally and financially controlling DH of 30+ years at end of the month. He has no idea. I intend to leave whilst he is at work. I don't want him to realise on the day I leave as I face a long 5 hour drive to new home, and don't need an argument or constant calls. Will need phone for directions. Me via ng this s far away in purpose.

What I want advice on is....how / what to tell him to avoid a massive fallout for me or adult children. (I am going to live with one of them ). I am leaving because I have had enough, life has been miserable for years he hoards, he behaves like an old man, we have grown miles apart, he is manipulative and owes me £sss - had to 'lend' him an inheritance to get him out of a serious hole which he is paying back at less than 1/2 of what we agreed, and will no doubt stop when I go. I don't want to live the rest of my years like this. I have got a transfer with my job, I can be financially independent. The children are NC. I am leaving with nothing. I have no clue how he will react. Just don't want anymore drama. How do I deal with telling him? TIA

Wow. That is awful.

Thank you 🙂

In regards to moving day, have a think now about what to prioritise when you're loading up. That way if he does come home you can just leave knowing the things you wanted to take the most are already loaded up.

Any friends, family, etc that you can trust to lend a hand then do so. Be quick and discreet.

Have an answer ready for any nosy neighbours. No one asked me but I found out later one neighbour wanted to text my ex and tell him when he saw me loading up my friends car!! 😡😱 Luckily he didn't have his number. People's ignorance can be a danger at times. If anyone asks just breezily say you're both staying with friends or in an Airbnb while some building work is going to be done (or something similar)

Try to act as normal as possible between now and moving day. No changes to routine, talk as if you've zero plans of changing the status quo.

I divorced my first husband. During the process he became someone I didn't recognise. I read a quote at the time
" You never truly know a man until you divorce him". I wish you every good luck. You must see a solicitor as soon as you can.He will be furious that you have dared to leave him and that doesn't lend itself to rational thought on his part. He may do things financially and legally just because he can, even if it causes him as much financial pain as you. You have gone and he will absolutely want to punish you for that.

Good luck with everything @Professionallytorn

I wonder if it's worth getting access to your financial/ credit record so you can check nothing has been or is opened in your name by him?

Credit karma is free and can be accessed online.

Without DC support it may never have been possible. At the end of the day I will have both my DC supporting me, a roof over my head and a secure job. The rest is just stuff. Can't wait. 🙂

Thank you everyone for your advice and good wishes. Appreciated 🙏

Do not do this in case he comes back early. Post him a letter as you leave or leave with a trusted friend to drop around after you tell them.
take all your baby photos, paperwork, Christmas decs, take anything else eg tv, iPad etc.
change all your passwords on everything immediately. Change your post redirection.
and ffs please contact the police to be there as you leave a pcso can help or friends. Take copies of all keys. I strongly advise that you just phone your provider and change your number. Buy a pay as you go sun and text him from that when you arrive you say you have left him and a solicitor will be in touch but in the meanwhile he is to leave you alone completely.

I did this, 25 years ago. My sister came and helped me just in case he came home. I realised as we got around 10 miles away I'd left my car docs in the filing cabinet so we turned back. It was fine, and I got half of everything in the end despite not wanting a thing initially. It's surprising how you toughen up when solicitors get involved. The first night I spent in my new house in my own bed after I'd gone was the happiest I'd been for years. Good luck xx

Ps get a van and pack everything - it’s amazing how quick you can be with ten people helping.

I would suggest checking apps on your phone like Life360 and location is disabled. People are your strength here. Boxes and pack and go - good luck! I managed to do it in an hour. Remember spare sets of keys and all laptops, computers, kindles etc he will never let you back in to get more stuff.

everything must go

Get legal advice, and make sure you photograph everything paperwise you might need (even things for a later date). I would only leave a short note saying you are leaving because … so he’s clear and you are clear, he can’t twist it later (take a picture of the note too) and that further contact will be from solicitor. Also I would keep to a minimum who you tell where you are going to be living because unfortunately there are always people who think they are helping by giving your information away (know this from experience) especially if you have mutual friends. Good luck, it may be the best thing you’ve ever done ❤️

Womens aid. Email them from work and ask their advice. They will have a really good list to help you

Wishing you nothing but good things moving forward xx

Just wanted to say good luck xx

I separated after 30 years marriage, I wasn't even bothered about getting divorced as no plans to ever marry again, just wanted to escape and like you didn't care if financials weren't fair. I've always earned my own money.
Won't bore you with long story but just make sure you change all passwords. My ex couldn't use a computer when i left so never entered my head but 5 years later I realised he'd learnt and been reading my emails. I did divorce then with the help of a very scary lady solicitor 😉the peace every day is still bliss over a decade later💐

Make a list in advance of what you want to pack, so you don't have to remember it on the day when you're feeling emotional. I left whilst he was at work too. Packed everything I was taking, which wasn't much as we weren't married and 90% of it was his. Took all the practicalities, documents of mine etc, personal possessions, pets, plants etc. Left an email on his private email once I was away. Don't bother trying to explain, "the relationship isn't working for me any more so I'm breaking it off", is sufficient. If you try to explain, he'll try to counteract that with his reasons why he's right and you're wrong. It's a waste of breath.

As you're leaving with none of the paperwork side of things done you want at least a day to sort things out, so don't tell him you've left him right away (unless it'll be blindingly obvious by an enormous walk in wardrobe being empty of all your stuff, for example). Tell him something like you're staying with a bereaved friend for a few days. That gives you time to call the bank etc and inform them of change of address, get yourself removed from utilities and council tax, contact solicitor etc, without him knowing you're not coming back and hiding his assets or taking out a second mortgage or anything else detrimental. Give yourself some breathing space with an excuse for a few days, if you can.

I know it feels easier to just leave but the risk is him ending up with all your inheritance, any savings he has managed to hide and half of yours, all the house value and half your pension too, if he's hidden his assets. It would be best to avoid that if possible.

Have a look around for any documents before you leave and take good clear photos of them with your phone, if you can't physically take them. Is the loan of your inheritance documented anywhere?

Congratulations on getting to this point and I'm glad your DC are on your side. Don't engage with him other than through a solicitor. You'll find he's incapable of having any conversation that doesn't revolve around talking about the marriage and how it's all your fault it isn't working. Mine acted like I was having a hissy-fit and would be back with my tail between my legs any day now. He literally couldn't believe I'd left him. Forget staying friends or being amicable etc, it doesn't work. The conversations are nothing but a total waste of your time and energy that'll stop you moving forward and getting on with things.

If you decide not to heed this advice then at least implement a no-contact-after 7pm rule with him. If he "needs" to speak to you about something he'll ensure he finds time to do it at a sensible hour. Get off the phone by 8pm without fail each time (set an alarm). Then watch the tumbleweeds blow across your phone as you realise the only reason he calls is to pick a fight late evening, possibly after drinking and how he really doesn't have anything he "needs" to talk to you about enough to prioritize time for it during the day.

Well done OP! Enjoy your new life, sounds like you deserve some happiness.
Could you ask a friend to be there while you move for support and to provide some warning should DH arrive home unexpectedly?
Have as much organised in the days leading up to it so it's just a case of lift and go x

Don't panic if post does come for you. You don't need it so tell him to bin it, don't be lured back to meet/talk. As long as you've changed all your addresses over, it'll just be a standard letter saying "we've been notified of a change of address for this car/account/thing, if this wasn't you please get in touch". They send it to the old address as theft/fraud prevention. These letters won't contain the new address.

If your clothes are expensive but he doesn't really know clothes, get some cheapie bundles off Facebook and fill your drawers/wardrobe with those while you sneak your others out.

@Stormwatcher I hope you're ok too after being surprised whilst leaving.

if its a verballoan it means noting in a divorce he can deny you ever said it

in which case he can go for at least half

Good advice to get bits out gradually so less to pack on the day. A bit baffled by the advice to take Christmas decs though. Can't imagine they are a priority.

Did he sign an agreement re-loan? Have you kept a record of how much he has paid you? I would try and get one (get your kids to witness) before you go.

I helped a woman escape like this ( it was harder as she had two small children to get out as as well).

She snuck a lot of stuff out of the house in the weeks before she left. She set it up first by doing “ spring cleaning “ and clearing out genuine junk and taking it to the charity shop. Her husband always complained that the house was messy / kids had too many toys etc so he was happy that she was tidying up.

She made a big thing of cleaning too and rearranging things , saying that she realised he was right and that the house DID look so much better. Of course she knew that this flattery would work and not make him suspicious.

She got a lot of things out and into friends garages / sheds etc . Out of season clothes, kids toys, a small number of kitchen and household items that he wouldn’t miss, random things like some tools from the shed etc. anything that would costs money to replace ( she was a SAHM and was going to be dependent on benefits so every penny counted ).

She wrote a detailed list of all the things that had to be packed on the final day , room by room.

on the last day, as soon as he went to work, about 6 of us all arrived at her house with boxes , suitcases etc . We each packed up a room, filled our own cars and mostly took things home with us, to our garages etc as she was going into a refuge and didn’t have space until she got her own housing association flat months later .

We dismantled and packed up the kids beds and cots, small furniture like chests of drawers , table lamps etc . We got all the kids clothes and toys and all her clothes, lots of kitchen items .

It sounds like you are in a different position @Professionallytorn and are going to stay with family. Even then I’d think carefully About taking everything you care about from the house. It’s not uncommon from men to smash up things once you are gone, so don’t assume you can come back later and get them.

Take photos and a video of each room before you leave, in case he says YOU trashed the place.

You need to take meter readings and contact people like utility providers on that day so he domestic run up bills in your name. Tell them you are fleeing domestic abuse.

As you are going to family he will soon find you so you must MUST get legal advice before you go, to find out how to protect your relatives. You need to know what to do if he turns up at their door .

You need to think of the worse possible things he could do and plan for that

eg emptying every joint account , emptying your own accounts that he has a password to , phoning the police and reporting you missing , phoning your employers , posting evil things on your social media ,

These men do NOT like losing control .

Sometimes it's just better to leave most things behind just to get out. I left with a few items and 2x bing bags of clothes and I'd never been happier. 'Stuff' can be replaced. The only thing I did beforehand was to take my important documents and leave at a friends house

Is there an update?