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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Do I need a different solicitor or am I fucked?

82 replies

TrucksTrains · 18/06/2023 18:00

I earn 85k. DH earns 30k (he chose to leave his old job and get a less stressful one and only do 3.5 days a week)

House worth 600k. 280k of that is equity. All of that I inherited/saved/made before I met him.

Three kids. Two pre school. Expensive childcare.

DH gives me 800 a month to contribute to mortgage and childcare. I pay the rest of mortgage, childcare and bills (3000) and all other things really. I have nothing spare at end of month.

DH will go for 5050 and could well succeed.

Solicitor says he could walk away with almost all the equity despite putting 0 in as he won't be able to afford a mortgage otherwise. So could take nearly 280k as I could get a mortgage with my salary so to ensure both our homes are equal.

Is this true?

The kids are v happy at their home with me. DH is around physically but always on his phone etc.

We have been married 4.5 years.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 18/06/2023 18:19

How long did you cohabit before marrying?

it is true he could take higher than 50% share of assets especially if you both have children 50% of time as both your housing needs are the same and in paper currently his needs are higher. However, that might be balanced by short marriage

What did he earn before he took a step
back - you need to argue that he should be maximising his income and has potential
to earn much higher than he currently is, and should go back full time Rather than stay lower paid part time expecting you to pick up the shortfall

this is the position men usually find themselves in

Soontobe60 · 18/06/2023 18:20

He could, but it’s not a certainty. He would also be expected to work full time too.

millymollymoomoo · 18/06/2023 18:21

And yes, find a better solicitor who will fight to prevent that !

ProfessorXtra · 18/06/2023 18:23

How long did you live together before marriage?

HelloSunshine12 · 18/06/2023 18:25

I am not far enough through the process to know how my situation will pan out. But I earn more than STBXH. He doesn't want to do court so seemingly I'll have DD full time until she's older/he would have her for a night here or there. I'm hoping that means I have a better shot at keeping more than 50% of things...

Reugny · 18/06/2023 18:26

How old are the kids?

How are they cared for while you work full-time?

How long did you cohabit before you were married?

Original poster
TrucksTrains · 18/06/2023 18:29

1 year cohabiting before marriage.

When we met we both earned 50k. I worked my arse off and went back to work early during maternity (we have twins plus one) as he wasn't coping or enjoying his job. He reduced because we could afford to due to my 2 x promotions and he said he needed to/Would be more able to cope with family

We have childcare 4 days a week. And I work from home on Friday and basically do most of the childcare then or at least we do it together

She said most of that is irrelevant as all subjective stuff. She said the best thing I could do is stall my career and get him to go back to full time but he won't do that. I've tried

OP posts:
Original poster
TrucksTrains · 18/06/2023 18:33

If he went full time and took opportunities offered to him he could be earning same as me within a couple of years. Obviously I want the kids to be happy and comfortable in both homes but God would it sting to see if he walk with that money while doing bare minimum at work, while I went back to work after few months of mat leave to support the family

OP posts:
Alongtimelonely · 18/06/2023 18:40

Could you immediately go part time yourself - take yourself right back to 15 or 20 hrs per week and say you discovered you cannot cope with 3 young kids and the FT job now it’s just you on your own doing it? Point out you were only able to wfh 1 day a week because he was there to help safely over 3 young kids.

if 50:50 ends up meaning a week on, a week off - in which case you working FT is not likely to be sustainable during “your” week.

Katrinawaves · 18/06/2023 18:40

My friend is a family court judge and her advice to friends who are separating is always to try to agree the finances, using a mediator if that will help, quickly and amicably as the only winners in a long drawn out fight are the lawyers.

if you end up spending £100k on legal fees that’s a sizeable chunk of your equity gone with neither of you nor your children any the better off for it. In those shoes, better surely to hold your nose and let him have some or all of it to create a better home for the children?

Original poster
TrucksTrains · 18/06/2023 18:40

No doubt I've been an idiot. My mum is saying "why did you allow him to take a backseat work wise and not pick up with kids" but how do you stop someone quit their job? Also i thought it would make him and therefore us happy. But I realise now that isn't going to happen. He talks about quitting entirely and then the fear of God is in that he could get resident parent.

What stops people just quitting their jobs to look like the primary carer? I do bloody everything for thse kids

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 18/06/2023 18:41

I think it unlikely he’d get that ( I’m not a lawyer)

it’s a short marriage
hes only been part time a short while and can easily go bs k to it 5 days a week
he hasn’t ‘sacrificed’ his career for decades

you need to fight for more and at least 50:50 and a solicitor who is fighting your corner

Original poster
TrucksTrains · 18/06/2023 18:44

@Alongtimelonely yes I have thought about doing something like that. But it does against all my better judgement as I just feel like these 3 small kids rely on me so I got to always be earning and working as much as poss cos their dad doesn't haven't that mindset.

OP posts:
BetterFuture1985 · 18/06/2023 19:03

Was this free legal advice? It certainly sounds like it is. The kind that makes you think "shit, I need a solicitor."

First of all, divorce is based on earning capacity now and in the foreseeable future. His will be at least £50k because he used to earn that. Arguably it will be more like £60k in a few years so the difference in earnings is not huge.

Second, he would only get all of the equity if you got another asset that matched it such as a pension. There is clearly not good grounds for a deviation of more than a 55/45 asset split in his favour based on earning capacity.

Unfortunately though beyond that divorce can be very unfair on the higher earner and grossly overestimates the contribution of the weaker financial party. The law is completely out of date and desperately in need of reform. It should always be 50/50 split and only child maintenance where split of childcare is uneven in my opinion.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 18/06/2023 19:16

He really is a shit isn't he. It seems like planned this in advance. I'm sorry.

I think you need a solicitor who will.focus on the manipulation within your marraige, focus on the fact there is no medical reason he cannot earn more, focus on the fact that it wasn't a join decision to reduce his hours and who will focus on the fact thst the majority of childcare still falls to you. It he's working 3.5 days and you have 2 days off a wk if he was compensating for childcare, they wouldn't need creche 4 days. You need a solicitor that is willing to fight to expose him as a manipulative,lazy, liar who is creating a false narrative around his working hours.

gogohmm · 18/06/2023 19:20

Under 10 years they look at assets into a marriage too. You are expected to work full time, my income (part time) was pro rata'd up to full time to calculate my earning potential

Gothambutnotahamster · 18/06/2023 20:01

I'm sorry but most of your advice sounds true based on the experience of friends.

You need to find a shit hot lawyer who will argue about his earning potential rather than just what he is earning now, but the comment about the kids having equal homes is true and you'll be expected to fund it as the person who is working.

Good luck as it is galling given you never to a proper conversation about him giving up work and choosing the SAHD as his role!

isthistheendtakeabreath · 18/06/2023 20:09

I can only really tell you my experience - I earn £80k - soon to be ex £23k. 3 young children including twins in full time childcare. He contributed not much more than yours to our family "overheads" - twins childcare alone £2k a month

£350k house - £160k equity - largely from rise in house prices (when we bought it was a wreck)

My financial order was signed off by the court a couple of weeks ago

He gets £55k once twins start school from either remortgage/sale of house. No pension sharing. Realistically he'll never get a mortgage on his own on his income but that's life. He could absolutely earn more but he can't be bothered. He's made his bed

Original poster
TrucksTrains · 18/06/2023 20:09

@Gothambutnotahamster is the thing about equal homes true even if he doesn't have the kids 5050? If he was a EOW dad would they expect his home and what is currently the family home to be equal?

Does anyone know how likely is it to do that thing when I promise him half the equity when the kids are 18?

We live on the same street as the primary school. Two doors down from a childminder who helps. One boy is ASD. The most important thing from them would be to find a way for them to stay here. Which I can't afford to do if I have to give him all the equity of course.

OP posts:
isthistheendtakeabreath · 18/06/2023 20:12

is the thing about equal homes true even if he doesn't have the kids 5050?

Not in my experience no - I have twins plus one as well. I have a 3 bed. My solicitor argued that due to the age and sex of my children my "needs" are actually a 4 bed...I have compromised on a 3 bed and at best he"ll probably manage a 2 bed but he's only ever likely to have the 3 of them every other weekend for the night if that and he openly admitted he didn't want the twins for several years anyway 😳

Lostmum2407 · 18/06/2023 20:24

He will get 50%. He has chosen to work part time.

Gothambutnotahamster · 18/06/2023 20:26

@TrucksTrains I only know what a close friend has been through, I'm in no way an expert, but her solicitor told her he was entitled to a house of 'equal standing'. This is despite the fact he only works 3 1/2 hrs per day & could easily up his hours to earn a lot more but chooses not to. Again, they never had a conversation about this, he just decided one day that he'd had enough of working full time & she didn't disagree as thought if he were happy, they'd be happier as a family.

He has also been given half her pension!

Gothambutnotahamster · 18/06/2023 20:27

They've been married 20 years & the kids are young teens. Don't know if that matters but as an FYI.

LemonTT · 18/06/2023 20:29

Get a better solicitor who you have more faith in. But I am minded to think the one you spoke to was trying to give you a wake up call about what share your ex will get. From your posts you are stuck in a moral fairness argument which won’t change the law.

Whether you now regret the decision or not, a lot of your dissonance is over decisions made in the marriage and these won’t be unpicked. That you put inheritance into family finances was a marital decision and now it is a marital asset. That you agreed he would reduce hours to support the family was a marital decision which means he earns less and probably has less pension. This all ends with a factual conclusion that his needs are greater.

Fighting the reality that marital assets are split on divorce is pointless and expensive. Even though the marriage was short you have three children and this is pertinent.

JetBlackSteed · 18/06/2023 20:33

You need a new solicitor. You don't have to stay with the first one you see, in fact you can see a few and then they can't represent your DH.

hHe earns 30k and only gives you 800 per month, while you have no money left at the end of the month? You need a solicitor to argue he has enough money coming in from his work for rent or a mortgage, the courts won't leave him homeless but it's not guaranteed he would get 50% of the equity at all.