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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Do I need a different solicitor or am I fucked?

82 replies

TrucksTrains · 18/06/2023 18:00

I earn 85k. DH earns 30k (he chose to leave his old job and get a less stressful one and only do 3.5 days a week)

House worth 600k. 280k of that is equity. All of that I inherited/saved/made before I met him.

Three kids. Two pre school. Expensive childcare.

DH gives me 800 a month to contribute to mortgage and childcare. I pay the rest of mortgage, childcare and bills (3000) and all other things really. I have nothing spare at end of month.

DH will go for 5050 and could well succeed.

Solicitor says he could walk away with almost all the equity despite putting 0 in as he won't be able to afford a mortgage otherwise. So could take nearly 280k as I could get a mortgage with my salary so to ensure both our homes are equal.

Is this true?

The kids are v happy at their home with me. DH is around physically but always on his phone etc.

We have been married 4.5 years.

OP posts:
Gothambutnotahamster · 18/06/2023 20:33

His needs are greater - this was a phrase my friend heard.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 18/06/2023 20:35

Get a second opinion.

Yours is a short marriage - I suspect there would be consideration about who brought what into the marriage. I can't see why he would get so much.

In my case it was a long marriage and ex got just under 50% despite the fact that i had paid all of the high % deposit, and the kids were with me 6 nights a week. Length of marriage did for me there.

Good luck x

discardedBox · 18/06/2023 20:41

With such a short marriage what you brought in will be considered yours - only what was made during the marriage goes into the pot to be split that also stays true for pension pot.

Your solicitor sounds crap - as others have says, find a better one. Most that specialise in family law will offer a free hour consultation which will give you an idea about whether you want to go with them.

BetterFuture1985 · 18/06/2023 21:01

Gothambutnotahamster · 18/06/2023 20:33

His needs are greater - this was a phrase my friend heard.

Yes, but a decent solicitor will help the OP point out his needs include the need to get off his lazy backside, his need to work more hours, his need to get a reality check....

The courts have hardened their attitudes to lazy ex-spouses who refuse to maximise their earning capacity, and rightly so.

Gothambutnotahamster · 18/06/2023 21:09

Fingers crossed @BetterFuture1985

Original poster
TrucksTrains · 18/06/2023 21:43

Fingers crossed indeed!! . I have read threads on here of women saying they wish they'd stayed in their miserable marriage as the pain and loss is so much - mainly horrible men getting resident parent status.

It's the uncertainty. He has acted in such unrecognisable ways over the last couple of years that God knows what he may do.

If I knew he would get the house/all the equity/take the kids...I will just put up and shut up. If he's get a SHL they could surely spin I'm the career one, he's the one who reduced hours and income, I can afford to find somewhere else etc.

I'll speak to some solicitors. I don't want to lose this short marriage factor either. Thank you for the advice all.

OP posts:
Needapadlockonmyfridge · 18/06/2023 23:39

Yup I think if you need to split, do it ASAP- the longer, the greater the chance he will end up with more.

Good luck.

Mumof3confused · 19/06/2023 08:29

I think with a ‘needs’ argument it might trump the short marriage but definitely get some proper legal advice. Especially with your ASD child as the best thing for them would be to stay in the house, it sounds like keeping the children in their existing home would be a higher priority and the court might seek to do that if you are able to buy him out. Is he looking for 50:50 childcare? The sex of the children also matters re who can share and consequently how many bedrooms he needs.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2023 08:54

I would do anything rather than get divorced given your specific circumstances of childminder and school in same road

You said you've got a house - can you reconfigure to split it physically - divide it into 2 flats (properly)?

LemonTT · 19/06/2023 11:49

The length of a marriage is a strong determinant in whether it is possible to return people to their pre marriage financial status. Logically there is no reason why each party cannot take out what they put in and carry on as before without any financial detriment.

But it gets blown out of the water if you have three children. That’s a huge change in life circumstances which on the face of it was enough to require one parent to reduce their work commitments. This is not a case where the parties will be returned to where they were before. It is a needs case because there are three children who will need to be housed with both parents. Even full time the lower earner will get more of the equity.

The longer the wage differential is allowed to exist the more it will embed and widen, even at FT comparison. The needs gap will widen.

Original poster
TrucksTrains · 19/06/2023 13:22

@LaurieFairyCake I think you might be right. I accept a loveless marriage and keep the house & keep my kids safe and secure OR I leave my husband, lose my home, lose my kids 50% of the time which risks trauma and damage to them due to DH, have a toxic and difficult co parenting relationship, lose my savings and inheritance, have to keep seeing him anyway etc

I'm starting to think pragmatism may win here. I don't think I can stomach the reality of divorce.

He doesn't abuse us, he doesn't lie to us, he does help out a bit and he can be funny.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 19/06/2023 13:27

What if he decides he wants to separate ? He could do that and you’d be in this position regardless. Only 5 years down the line if he has not gone back full time and upped his game you’ll then be in a worse position

millymollymoomoo · 19/06/2023 13:28

Oh and he hasn’t needed to reduce his hours or stress he has chosen to ! Wouldn t we all like to do that only some of us accept our obligations and don’t expect others to fund our laziness

Original poster
TrucksTrains · 19/06/2023 13:31

@millymollymoomoo putting the fear of god in me. You're right though. I don't know how I'm meant to get him into more work though. He told he had to reduce hours for his mental health but he wasn't asking me his permission....I thought he would never leave me but I did find him searching for two bed flats to rent a couple of months ago.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 19/06/2023 13:33

Please tell me you and Ex have two solicitors, and are not sharing one solicitor to handle your divorce and financial settlement.

nauseatedsidney · 19/06/2023 13:42

Have you asked him/ has he said he'll take your money/inheritance? Any decent person would walk away, you might be worrying over nothing

Wastinmylifeaway · 19/06/2023 13:57

Any kind of work adjustment for ANY health issues should be supported with the relevant medical paperwork- just saying

Alex3420 · 19/06/2023 15:15

I doubt he will walk away with more of the share than you. See if this might help you understand what to do and what you can do https://iamlip.com/help-guides/the-court-process-of-dividing-your-marital-assets-finances-and-pensions/

BetterFuture1985 · 19/06/2023 20:43

TrucksTrains · 19/06/2023 13:31

@millymollymoomoo putting the fear of god in me. You're right though. I don't know how I'm meant to get him into more work though. He told he had to reduce hours for his mental health but he wasn't asking me his permission....I thought he would never leave me but I did find him searching for two bed flats to rent a couple of months ago.

The honest answer is that if he had a mental health condition severe enough to affect his work he would fucking know it, he'd wish he didn't and he'd spend time not being able to work at all.

Apologies, this is a bit of a side rant, but the modern tendency to conflate a bit of stress and worry with mental health issues really upsets me. Every other person these days seems obsessed with mindfulness and fear of burnout but people in real distress are ignored.

You should tell him unless he's been diagnosed then he should get off his backside and work full-time.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/06/2023 21:02

So he's at home for weekend plus 2 days a week but you are paying for childcare for 4 days, and you do it on the 5th? That doesn't add up.
You are paying for childcare while he's at home? I suppose the upside is that may prevent him from being able to claim that he is the primary carer. Make sure you can evidence that you do most of the childcare on your wfh day ( though how you look after preschoolers while actually working is hard to fathom). If you can't prove it, start thinking of how you might do that.
You don't have a long marriage which is in your favour. I don't know what to make of him giving you £800 pm from a salary which will be not far short of £2000 pm.
What are your ages, pension pots, etc? Is he is ill, much older ( so fewer years to earn but otoh much bigger pension pot?)
I would drop a day or a week working for the time being so that there is more parity of earning.
And yes, try another solicitor who might be more prepared to fight your corner.

PoachedEd · 19/06/2023 21:30

Think you need to be clear on what your solicitor is telling you. If they’re just saying “here’s the situation” that’s not terribly helpful. However, telling you the situation so you have a realistic view of potential outcomes and then working with you to draw out the best arguments to avoid an undesirable result- that’s the sign of a good lawyer. You don’t want someone who’s not honest with you about the risks.

If you’ve only had an initial chat, it may be that you haven’t had the full picture yet and it might be worth pursuing further if they’re recommended. On the other hand if they’re just being negative and you get the sense they’re not going to fight for you, or if you just picked them out if the phone book and they’re not impressing you, then keep looking.

Original poster
TrucksTrains · 19/06/2023 22:31

This thread is so depressing I was telling myself to stay put. And then I just asked him to do the simplest of tasks filling in a form about dietary requirements for DS and he acted like I was asking him to achieve world peace. Then when I said "it will take you five minutes" he replied "alright alright, I'll do it tomorrow, don't say I don't do any favours for you"

Anyway...I know this is for legal advice not moaning. But fuck. These are my choices...tolerating that level of useless or tolerating that level of useless but living in separate much smaller houses.

I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for all of it.

@DelphiniumBlue I'm not meant to be caring for DC when working. I just somehow always do. He let's them run riot. I'm the manager of a large team and I just juggle it and make it up in the evening. V few meetings on Friday

OP posts:
Original poster
TrucksTrains · 19/06/2023 22:33

@DelphiniumBlue I'm in my 30s. He's late 40s. His pension will be better than mine. He's not unwell.

OP posts:
PoachedEd · 19/06/2023 22:47

Well the pension is a marital asset if the house is. Any chance he can keep the pension and you keep the house? That might be a reasonable thing to agree if the figures work.

PoachedEd · 19/06/2023 22:50

E sorry my last not very clear. I mean if you’ve been married long enough to treat the house as a marital asset then you’ve been married long enough to treat the pension as a marital asset.