Do I need a different solicitor or am I fucked?

[TrucksTrains]

I earn 85k. DH earns 30k (he chose to leave his old job and get a less stressful one and only do 3.5 days a week)

House worth 600k. 280k of that is equity. All of that I inherited/saved/made before I met him.

Three kids. Two pre school. Expensive childcare.

DH gives me 800 a month to contribute to mortgage and childcare. I pay the rest of mortgage, childcare and bills (3000) and all other things really. I have nothing spare at end of month.

DH will go for 5050 and could well succeed.

Solicitor says he could walk away with almost all the equity despite putting 0 in as he won't be able to afford a mortgage otherwise. So could take nearly 280k as I could get a mortgage with my salary so to ensure both our homes are equal.

Is this true?

The kids are v happy at their home with me. DH is around physically but always on his phone etc.

We have been married 4.5 years.

Any pension accrued during the relationship is a marital asset for sure.

what would you be teaching your children by staying with this strategically useless man?

This isn't practical or logical. You going to keep having sex with this lady arse who you don't want to be in a relationship with? No? You going to be happy when he has an affair? You're definitely not going to be happy when you make all this sacrifice and he divorces you because he wants to live with someone else and why not because he'll be better off financially out of the divorce, what's he got to lose? It is going to turn toxic if you stay. That's a given. Either that or you'll get some awful illness as a result of the stress of decades of burying your resentment and kidding yourself everything is fine. If you divorce years from now you'll just lose more of what you've built up and your DC will grow up in the toxic environment. Then you'll be even poorer, older, DC left home, less chance of meeting someone new. You be happy then? I think not. Don't delude yourself, staying for the sake of DC doesn't work 💐

*lazy not lady!

And then I just asked him to do the simplest of tasks filling in a form about dietary requirements for DS and he acted like I was asking him to achieve world peace. Then when I said "it will take you five minutes" he replied "alright alright, I'll do it tomorrow, don't say I don't do any favours for you"

This man’s going to go for 50-50?

Think of it another way, OP. If you stay, you are setting your marriage up to be an example to your children of what marriage is. That's how I knew STBXH and I were finished. There was no way on Earth I wanted to see DD grow up thinking that was what she needed to go out and find in a life partner. I would rather be alone forever than

Posted too soon! Rather be alone forever than stay in a marriage that skews her perception.

Now is your best shot to get out of this cleanly. The age your children are, there is so much grunt work to do you could call his bluff on the 50:50. The older they get and the less grunt work, the more likely he is to want 50:50 I think, and the more likely it is he can turn one or two of them to live with poor Daddy if he feels so inclined. The indoctrination I have seen of my friend's son (who was 7 when they separated and is now 10) and parental alienation by her ex is unreal.

This.

800 pm on 30k is a joke. He is clearing 2k.

You definitely need to value and include his pension in the calculations and split. If he’s going to argue that the house is a joint asset ( fun fed by you predominately) then the ie soon is too

he doesn’t get to keep high share of house equity and all his pension

defo get a second opinion, and a solicitor who will fight your position
also read up and arm yourself with as much knowledge of the process as possible - there is so much info online that can help

I would strongly suggest you arrange to see a mediator for the financial side of things, this will also make the divorce process easier if you can arrange your finances in this way, as the agreed position can be submitted as part of the divorce petition (and should cost less than running financial discussions through two sets of solicitors).

The finances aren't guaranteed to be accepted by the judge, but with mediation means that they are far more likely to be approved than without.

I had a very acrimonious divorce with my ex, I was the higher earner.

Found a mediator, each party has an individual appointment with the mediator to set out how the mediation works and to ensure there are no coercive/violent behaviours etc they need to be aware of. Then both given a form to complete separately to detail all assets/outgoings etc and to provide supporting evidence.

After this, both parties meet with the mediator and start to work out assets/pensions/debts/child maintenance etc. We needed about three sessions to get to an agreed position and the mediator was totally impartial. They didn't take any bullshit from my ex and pulled him up at various points for lying about things which had already been evidenced. They also pulled us both back in line when things got a bit heated.

It definitely made it easier to discuss with us both in the room, with the mediator, and being able to question the figures and proposals there and then rather than dragging it out over letters better solicitors.

You need to get out of that marriage now. It's only going to get worse

Find a really good solicitor and see what you can get

But don't stay with this loser because you're worried about the money. Longer term that won't even matter to you.

What matters is your freedom and happiness

Husband needs to have somewhere to live so the kids can stay with him sometimes

He has a good income already and a good pension

You can do this

If he will go for more than 50% I'd have a conversation with my employer and reduce my hours to part time whilst the dc are small and use this opportunity to divorce him then. Not ideal but in the long run it will be financially better. Get a better lawyer who's willing to fight this. In my experience I've found that some lawyers want the business, but an easy ride to get the job done, so won't push things.

Yeah @Totalwasteofpaper he's always complaining about being broke and when he reduced his hours he said he could only afford 800. I said "well I don't know if that's enough for mortgage, childcare etx" and he said "I could always quit totally and being SAHP" which I obviously want to avoid like the plague.

But yeah, I pay for mortgage, childcare, all bills, both cars, and all clothes, holidays and food.

I have to admit though I don't bring this stuff up with him anymore as he just gets stressed, pissed off, says its causing his anxiety to flare up etc. Its easier for me just to take the 800 quid and then manage it all

In your case, I would treat money spent on a shit hot lawyer as an investment. I would also consider dropping to part time for a while due to stress.

My ex did this, feigned ‘stress’ whenever I expected him to adult. It’s a form of control. He’s got you exactly where he wants you. For me, counselling has been invaluable and you might want to explore it.

The other thing I'm worried about is I had an almighty panic attack a couple of months ago. Never had one before but was awake at 2am and then suddenly felt like couldn't breath and shooting pain through chest etc, ended up in hospital with it as was so intense and wasnt easing for long time. Referred me to GP who prescribed me anti anxiety meds straight away which I haven't taken as now doing breathing exercises and walking twice a day. But have been physically sick a couple of times too randomly. DH knows all this and has talked about "why aren't you coping all of a sudden" etc and worried if leave now he will argue I'm not coping. Which I totally am.

@Mumof3confused yes, he ducks out of everything due to anxiety. Holiday this summer - he won't talk about because it makes him anxious. Mortgage rates - won't talk about it or just looks at his phone etc. V frustrating.

Having a panic attack doesn't mean you won't cope. Sounds like his MH stuff is more of an issue than yours from what you've said.

Has he actually said he's go for 5050 etc or are you just worried he might?

Are you keeping a log of everything relevant (re bahviour etc)? Get copies of all financial stuff especally anything about his pension.

Has he been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by a medical professional or is it his own self-diagnosis?

As an aside, OP you do sound like you're starting to suffer from stress. Your body is telling you that you're not coping as well as you think. Which is hardly surprising given the circumstances. You need to keep this hidden from him so he can't use it against you. Don't tell him about any GP appts, meds etc.

You need to get out of this marriage asap. This man is going to try and suck you dry, and the longer you stay with him the better his chances are of succeeding.

He is mentally abusing you. You need to protect yourself and the children by leaving this man.

My lovely friend married someone similar, although he had rarely worked and then stopped.
Mental health, stress, working from home on a book as a still unpublished author, you name it, he didn’t do it
while she worked full time to pay the bills and childcare, which he also abstained from.

With help from some posters here she saw to divorce she would have to become like him and cut down on work too, or she’d not get the kids.
So she too had a breakdown. It was a long time coming. Cut childcare, cut expenses, worked the bare minimum to live.

At got out, with the children. He had EOW

I would love to say she lived happily ever after

He refused to engage with his own solicitors, pay them, or find work.

She lost the house but gained her sanity and some degree of freedom from him

I’m not mocking either of their mental health
He had issues
But he could work
And had worked
Ae just chose not to
He was ultimately just a lazy cocklodger and remains so to this day
Her mental health was almost destroyed by his laziness in every single thing, even on holidays he acted worse than the young children in his poor me I can’t do anything act

Claims regarding mental health would surely have to be supported by medical reports.

in her case it was
when she finally took a day off to go to her GP
He ironically could never find the time or inclination to even make an appointment to improve his, or have it documented

What's he doing with the extra wages £1200/pcm? I'll bet he has more than a few thousand in savings.

He's controlling. Saying he'll stop working when you raise the issue of his financial contribution is a threat designed to silence you. Saying stress/pissed off/anxiety when you raise financial issues is manipulative and designed to silence you.

I'm not sure what to say regarding your MH. The poster above makes a point about playing him at his own game. You have the foundations in place to do that. You could file a regular prescription for the meds whether you take them or not and go part time at work. Or you could go back to the GP, have a chat about how you're managing things with self help and how the cause is your husband/divorce and get yourself officially declared cured/not actually ill (shit life syndrome).

@TrucksTrains very similar position here, will dm you