Fear of financial hell keeping me in unhappy marriage. Please help

[Sneezywheezy5]

I want to separate from my husband. As soon as possible.
We have a complex situation in that my dad gave us the money to buy our property but he isn't on the deeds. My husband and I are on the deeds and we have a declaration of trust me 80% share, husband 20% share although I'm told this probably isn't worth the paper it's written on. The plan we had said at the time was on a separation my dad would pay him the 20% value of the property (about 80k at the moment) which would allow me to keep the house. Husband agreed to this but don't know if he would now. Also it'd gone up alot in value and I don't think my dad would want to do that, neither do I blame him.
Husband is a high earner, just under 100k a year. I'm a housewife with no money of my own but I use his credit card to pay for our food, my petrol , phone etc which he pays the bill for and obviously he pays all the bills. We have no mortgage or rent to pay.

I have low earning potential, at least at first. If/when I start work i will be able to earn on average £1500 a month full time . For me to stay in this house that would only cover the bills . I would have zero left over for food, phones, petrol, anything for the kids, prescriptions etc . Zero.
I would have to downsize the house to somewhere smaller in the hope the bills are less and a smaller house and garden for me to maintain. How would I manage financially?

If husband was able to force a sale of the house & split it 50/50 I would not have enough to purchase another home, I also wouldn't be able to get a mortgage . Because I haven't had an income for years there's nothing on my credit report , and I'm not eligible to apply for credit cards and things like that so I'd probably fail the credit checks to rent also.

What do people I'm my situation do? We've got 2 kids age 9 and and 12.

Hi, sorry to hear, that sounds very tough.

It sounds like you might need to rent post separation? But ultimately it sounds like it would be worth it, emotionally.

Have you asked your husband if he would be willing to stick with the original agreement, in some form?

I think someone with more financial savvy will be along soon!

Firstly, you need to get a job. You might have to play a longer game but it may result in more security. I’d job hunt, speak to your dad and a solicitor before you say anything to your husband.

Two things. Get a job. Speak to a solicitor who specialises in family law.

You're entirely financially dependent on two men.

Get a job first of all.

The house must be worth about 400k and mortgage free, so you should get by with a job (and presumably money from your ex-to-be for childrens costs) and over time your earning potential will improve.

Yes, you need to get a job.

100k and mortgage free?! I’d expect there’s a fair few thousand in savings and investments. Before openly discussing divorce make sure you know the value/location of any savings and investments.

Like other have said priority must be get a job. Even with a £1500 pm income you’d be entitled to working benefits which would top up your income sufficiently. And you’d also be eligible for child benefit. Ex would also have to pay child maintenance, although I wouldn’t bank on that as that tends to be the last means of maintaining control!

Doesn’t matter whose name is on the deeds it’s a marital asset and shares held as tenants in common can be over ruled in a divorce

if you’re mortgage free there will be a fair but if equity , perhaps you can negotiate more ( eg 60:40 or something) but unlikely you’ll get to keep it if you’re husband then gets nothing !
You’ll need to look at all assets inc pensions to work out fair split

see a solicitor
get a job

Get a job now. Have you never earned your own money? It’s astounding that grown women rely on men to provide them with everything. Time to grow up & stand on your own two feet.

Your DH must surely have some money stashed away somewhere? What's he done with the money left after paying the bills and living rent free in a house YOUR dad paid for? You need proper legal advice but I'd be looking for an 80% share of the house plus some money towards bills etc whilst you find a job.
Also, what about pension? He has been able to build up a pension but you've done the childcare.
If you can't afford a place where you are could you consider downsizing to a cheaper area as remaining a property owner would be my priority to give me a financially stable future.

He's only starting warning that money recently. We don't have any investments etc and just a few thousand in savings so far.
Because he worked away almost all the time it was very difficult for me to work with the 3 kids, we have no family to help with childcare so it was just easier for me to be a sahm and we didn't need the money at the time.
Obviously now I'm trapped

*earning

I think you need to play the long game. Even renting with cost of living as it is you’d struggle to cover your rent and bills.
Get a job. Start trying to become more financially independent then once you are you can plan to divorce knowing you will manage on half the marital assets. And make sure you take half of his pension since you stayed home enabling him to work and left yourself without one

My husband and I are on the deeds and we have a declaration of trust me 80% share, husband 20% share although I'm told this probably isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Who told you that - did you speak to a solicitor? If not, the first thing to do is seek legal advice from an experienced divorce lawyer.

This. You are not stuck in anything.

Surely the worst case scenario is that you will walk away with the value of half your house + (if you go 50:50 with the kids) plenty of child free time to start training/working. If you don’t go 50:50 you’ll have considerable child maintenance, and your kids are all school age. Certainly your lifestyle will change, and doubtless it will be very galling that his won’t change as much, but you can be free if you are prepared to make that choice.

That said, I know how difficult this is - I was earning good money but couldn’t see a way out for years.

Use this - it'll help you get through your divorce with as little money as possible. Or if you really need a solicitor, hire one and use this website to lessen your costs as much as you can by doing some of it yourself

Hope it helps!

https://www.iamlip.com/

You’re not trapped
there are assets to split and you can work full time
you just can’t expect him to walk away with hardly any assets ( he needs to house himself and children) and you need to work full time as he won’t have to find you forever once separated

Regarding getting a job, I've been told by someone who's been through similar that if I wait until we are separated then I will automatically become the primary care giver as I'm the sahm and have always done everything. Then get a job immediately afterwards?
For me to get a job now just makes everything 1000 times more difficult. He doesn't help with the kids at all, u do everything and he's told me many times that if I work I will have to manage everything myself. Once we are separated he will have no choice but to look after his own children

@millymollymoomoo he's lived rent and mortgage free for 20 years . Surely an 80k pay off would be acceptable that he can use as a deposit and I'm sure he can easily get a mortgage on his 100k wage. I don't see any struggles for him

@Sneezywheezy5 you said in your first post you have two children age 9 and 12. Later you mention 3 kids?

Anyways... there is absolutely no reason why you can't get a job asap, and frankly that's the only way forward. As someone mentioned upthread, you've basically made yourself dependent on men, first your father in giving you a house, and then your husband.

Even if your earnings are low at the moment, surely you can work your way up. If you're not qualified for any specific role, there are openings where you can train on the job, and put yourself in a better position for the long term.

You may need to forget about staying in this particular house and it may mean renting for now, but tbh you're fortunate in that you have no mortgage so the sale of the house should give you a great financial leg up, even after splitting the proceeds with your husband. I do think though, your situation sums up why it's always a good idea for a woman to make herself financially as independent as possible so that she has choices. I'm aghast at how many women seem to rely on high earning men, but seem to only be able to earn minimum wage themselves. I'm not saying a relationship like that can never work, but it seems a strange balance to me and leaves the woman very vulnerable

I think it's a bit unfair that people are making comments like "living off a man", you were a partnership and made a joint decision that he would work out the home and you would work in the home raising your children. A decision millions of families up and down the country choose (including me). Childcare is ludicrously expensive.

How old are your kids OP? I went back to work when mine were 10, 8 & 9. Was a bit easier navigating after school & breakfast clubs than full time nursery costs, are you in the same boat?

I would get a job, if you can. DH will need to step up to the parenting plate. From there you can work out using entitledto what your benefit entitlement might be, you can do calculations for child maintenance and see where you are financially then. As an OP said, it's playing the long game.

Just seen, they're 12 and 9, an excellent age for going back to work. 12yo can look after themselves whilst you work and 9yo can do after school club.

There’s no reason not to get a job. Your children aren’t babies. They are of an age where they should be pitching in with chores anyway- washing up, tidying their rooms, putting a wash on etc
When did you last work? How do you currently fill your days when they are at school?
When you are separated he won’t be around anyway so you’ll have to find a way to make it all work.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel
*
I think it's a bit unfair that people are making comments like "living off a man", you were a partnership and made a joint decision that he would work out the home and you would work in the home raising your children. A decision millions of families up and down the country choose (including me).*

It's one thing for a couple to decide as a partnership that (usually for a short period) one parent will stay at home. And obviously this is going to work best when it's a well thought through decision and where the SAH parent has the skills and experience to get back into the workplace when they need to. Because there are always unknowns, not just separation but the WOH parent could get sick/ made redundant.

In the OP's case she admits she's been dependent on men. Her father has bankrolled the house, and she's been living for years without earning herself (at least 12 years as eldest child is 12.) What's more, she has a husband earning 100k but doesn't seem qualified to earn more than minimum wage herself.

It's not unfair for posters to point out that she's made herself incredibly vulnerable and doesn't seem to have done anything to make herself less so.

OP you have already posted about this, back in February - unless it's someone else with a weirdly similar situation.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4742584-husband-wants-a-divorce-im-a-sahm-what-are-the-steps-i-need-to-take

You were advised back then to speak to a solicitor and look into getting a job, it's now 4 months later, why haven't you done either of those things?

I'm sorry but it does seem as you you are waiting for a 'solution' that allows you to never have to work again, which is not practicable.

Maybe you thought your marriage would last forever and your husband would financially support you, but that is not the case anymore, you need to be realistic. Given your house seems to be paid off, you will have a decent lump sump when it's sold to start again, but you need to start looking for work to support yourself and your children.