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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Fear of financial hell keeping me in unhappy marriage. Please help

76 replies

Sneezywheezy5 · 18/06/2023 12:30

I want to separate from my husband. As soon as possible.
We have a complex situation in that my dad gave us the money to buy our property but he isn't on the deeds. My husband and I are on the deeds and we have a declaration of trust me 80% share, husband 20% share although I'm told this probably isn't worth the paper it's written on. The plan we had said at the time was on a separation my dad would pay him the 20% value of the property (about 80k at the moment) which would allow me to keep the house. Husband agreed to this but don't know if he would now. Also it'd gone up alot in value and I don't think my dad would want to do that, neither do I blame him.
Husband is a high earner, just under 100k a year. I'm a housewife with no money of my own but I use his credit card to pay for our food, my petrol , phone etc which he pays the bill for and obviously he pays all the bills. We have no mortgage or rent to pay.

I have low earning potential, at least at first. If/when I start work i will be able to earn on average £1500 a month full time . For me to stay in this house that would only cover the bills . I would have zero left over for food, phones, petrol, anything for the kids, prescriptions etc . Zero.
I would have to downsize the house to somewhere smaller in the hope the bills are less and a smaller house and garden for me to maintain. How would I manage financially?

If husband was able to force a sale of the house & split it 50/50 I would not have enough to purchase another home, I also wouldn't be able to get a mortgage . Because I haven't had an income for years there's nothing on my credit report , and I'm not eligible to apply for credit cards and things like that so I'd probably fail the credit checks to rent also.

What do people I'm my situation do? We've got 2 kids age 9 and and 12.

OP posts:

LadyJ2023 · 19/06/2023 09:07

You need to get a job, probably move to a rented house etc or stay and be unhappy

Backstreets · 19/06/2023 09:11

I wish the young uns who glamorise being a SAHM on social media would have a read of these boards sometimes.
Like many things in life it works til it doesn’t.

WhatADrabCarpet · 19/06/2023 09:15

You said in your previous thread, in February, that you'd only got enough savings to support yourself for four months.

I'm assuming that's now depleted, so what have you done to support yourself now?

Its worrying that you appear to have not progressed in those four months despite all the excellent advice that you've already been given.

Being a SAHM until it's all over is a silly position to put yourself in. You need to support yourself now. Your children are old enough for you to be working to some extent.

You come across as burying your head in the sand. You need to act now.

Original poster

Sneezywheezy5 · 19/06/2023 15:59

Thanks for the comments
Yes I am burying my head in the sand because I am terrified and also angry.
I didn't want to not be working for this long, my husband has made it virtually impossible for me to do so over the years

. He said he wouldn't help with childcare., covering holidays etc so I would have to do it all which just wouldn't be possible and that my wage would have to go in to the family pot (rightly so) so I wouldn't be keeping any of it for myself anyway.
I'm angry that he is now a earner and I have no work experience and yes I'm kicking myself and know it was a stupid thing to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sneezywheezy5 · 19/06/2023 15:59

OP posts:

watermeloncougar · 19/06/2023 16:12

Ok so being angry is a good step in a way because it should motivate you to change things and move forward.

With kids the age yours are, there's absolutely no financial excuse not to work anyway, because even a minimum wage job will mean that you'll earn more than wrap around care will cost. Also factor in that the minimum holiday allowance in a job is 28 days, so you'll have over 5 weeks of school hols that won't need cover.

You need to get out of this marriage and move on. You've had the good fortune to be given a house so when you sell, there's no mortgage to pay off, and splitting between you and your dh, you'll have a decent sum. If it's not enough for a deposit for a mortgage then you'll need to rent for a while. Get yourself into a job where you can move up, so you're no stuck on minimum wage forever.

I'm aware this probably sounds like an insurmountable situation to you, if you haven't worked for years and haven't ever needed to organise childcare, or pay your own rent /mortgage but honestly, it's what most adults do. Perhaps your husband has been financially abusive, I don't know, or perhaps you've just been sheltered from the realities of life with your dad buying you a house and your husband earning 100k while you sit at home with the kids at school... but whatever the back story, it's clear that you're not happy and you need to take steps to remove yourself and move on.

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 16:18

I[d see a lawyer (good lawyer) OP and I would not get a job until you have.

You facilitated your husbands career you provided the house.
Please do not listen to the rather sneery put downs on here about you being a SAHM. Presumably 9 year old was only 5ish when pandemic hit?

Best of luck. IMO you[ll get to keep the home at least until youngest is 18. Your husband will not look after them, or want to.

watermeloncougar · 19/06/2023 16:28

It's not sneery at all to point out that the OP has made herself very vulnerable and needs to take positive action to get herself out of a marriage she doesn't want to be in.

SueVineer · 19/06/2023 16:29

You said on your last thread that your dh earns 60k, now he seems to have almost doubled that to 100?

Original poster

Sneezywheezy5 · 19/06/2023 16:31

Yes I feel completely vulnerable now and would never advise anyone to do what I've done
It was perfect when the kids were small and our marriage was happy, then covid came along and royally fu*ked everything up. That was the turning point in our marriage .
I wish this wasn't happening but we are both desperately unhappy which isn't fair on us or the kids. Both of us are trapped, him because he's been able to live mortgage/rent free in a big house for 20 years and me because I've made myself financially reliant

OP posts:

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 16:31

The OP realises this. It is not helpful to point out.

Long marriages of 20 years and the OPs situation are different to now. She needs to see a lawyer.

As I said, she[ll get to keep the house until youngest is 18. IMO.
To rent is madness.
To get a job at this stage is madness and bad advice.

Booklover40 · 19/06/2023 16:34

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 16:31

The OP realises this. It is not helpful to point out.

Long marriages of 20 years and the OPs situation are different to now. She needs to see a lawyer.

As I said, she[ll get to keep the house until youngest is 18. IMO.
To rent is madness.
To get a job at this stage is madness and bad advice.

This.

Get yourself an appointment with a decent solicitor (preferably one who’s been recommended and preferably a woman) ASAP.

I get it OP.

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 16:42

OP, I was given horrendously bad advice 4 months ago on here.

Result, I ignored it, went to the police, my husband got arrested for domestic violence (it was emotional abuse in front of DD) court ruled and I am getting divorced and he has a criminal record.

My mistake was saying on here about our joint assets and family mortgage free home... people do not like it, say you are lazy, say you are stupid.

I gave up my career to follow my husband and ended up totally vulnerable. But, that is what we agreed and I was happy to do. I am in a fairly similar situation (apart from the abuse, I hope)

Your husband can support himself in a rented flat, you can continue doing what you are doing and possibly getting some sort of job in a couple of years.

Pretty sure that is what you can expect. In 10 years, you may have to sell the house. But it depends.

He has paid bills, you have provided free childcare, fascillitated his career and provided the home.

Freefall212 · 19/06/2023 16:42

He will have to figure out how to take on childcare responsibilities And look after the kids and you will have to learn how to take on financial responsibilities and earn your own money.

Splitting family responsibilities so one does 100% of one and the other does 100% of another is rarely good for either party. He now doesn’t have much of a relationship with the kids and you don’t have income to contribute to basic life expenses for yourself and the kids.

Definitely get a job. The house should be split 50/50. It is a marital asset and you didn’t put anything into it. You also get your share of his assets gained during marriage.

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 16:46

The home will not be split 50/50 for at least 10 years.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/06/2023 16:47

If the house is mortgage free and worth about £400k (so you are not running a mansion) then what bills would eat up £1,500 a month and leave nothing to live on?

Lefteyetwitch · 19/06/2023 17:01

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 16:31

The OP realises this. It is not helpful to point out.

Long marriages of 20 years and the OPs situation are different to now. She needs to see a lawyer.

As I said, she[ll get to keep the house until youngest is 18. IMO.
To rent is madness.
To get a job at this stage is madness and bad advice.

Mesher orders are very very rare and not seen as a good thing by court. They like clean breaks to avoid future issues.
The OP can not hold out hope that she will get the house until the children are 18

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 17:09

As I said, she should see a lawyer.
This is not rare in a situation with 2 young DCs and a SAHM and a father who can support himself and travels away for work and is unable to do childcare.

OP also provided home. Who paid for it, on her side of the family, is irrelevant.

I sadly have a bit too much knowledge about this at the moment.

watermeloncougar · 19/06/2023 17:10

Exactly @Lefteyetwitch. Some really poor 'advice' on here, encouraging the OP to not look for a job, and just to hang on hoping the house wont have to be sold.

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 17:15

No. She should not look for a job.

Lefteyetwitch · 19/06/2023 17:15

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 17:09

As I said, she should see a lawyer.
This is not rare in a situation with 2 young DCs and a SAHM and a father who can support himself and travels away for work and is unable to do childcare.

OP also provided home. Who paid for it, on her side of the family, is irrelevant.

I sadly have a bit too much knowledge about this at the moment.

Mesher orders are rare full stop.
OP has the ability to work and the courts will expect that

He can support himself. As single adults should. He also needs to support his young children and needs money for that.

If OP is RP child maintenance will be calculated based on his overnights.

She needs to work out her own finances.

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 17:16

She needs to see a lawyer.

Lefteyetwitch · 19/06/2023 17:19

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 17:15

No. She should not look for a job.

The have a few thousand in savings.
Ges not rolling in it.

She will absolutly be expected to finance herself.

UC are going to expect her to work.
Gone are the days where SAHM had any power.
She could claim a Higher % if she can prove she will have Residency but CMS will be factored for his working away

But overall she needs to work.

Seas164 · 19/06/2023 17:24

Before you make any changes to anything see a solicitor. Gather as much information as you can regarding any assets, debts, outgoings, pensions, paperwork pertaining to the loan from your father, the cost of a house in the area you would need it to be with enough bedrooms, rental costs for the same and a calculation of any benefits you would be expected to receive etc and make an appointment.

If you keep telling yourself you're trapped, then trapped you are. You're not as trapped as you think. Yes some things will have to change, but if you're ok with that then you can absolutely move forward. Even if it's small steps, long game, it's possible.

adriftabroad · 19/06/2023 17:36

Precisely!

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